don't think i can let go

[Dblock10]

panic struck me. i don't think i can let my ex go..

 

she is on the other side of the planet and living her life. but i feel horrible and don't want her to be with someone else.

 

this has consumed me now. i have not spoke to her for over 8 days and i don't want to become a stranger to her so staying in lc or contact would be my only option. but then by doing so i won't ever be able to move on properly and i'll wonder who's she's been going out with, what she's up to, and not knowing if she has hooked up with anyone the previous night etc. basically all those horrible thoughts. but then if i go into no contact properly then decide to talk to her say after a month or what ever, or sooner if she has contacted me, then if i hear she is with someone else now, that would gut me.

 

this hurts

Edited July 22, 2012 by Dblock10

[Brokendude]

Took my words exactly im goin 8 days also and feels like i cant do this, the more the days r going the harder the struggle, u described exactly how i feel and worse i cant even motivate u coz i feel the same gloom i hope we can get past thru this

[Sameold]

The relationship is OVER!

 

Do not be the fool that hangs around your ex as a friend. If you really want her in your life long term as a partner then you are doing all the wrong things. You need to let this go completely and if you ever get back then so be it but she needs to be the one to initiate it.

 

Do not be her gay best friend who asks how her day as been when the night before she lets some guy do her from behind!!!! Do not be that person, be a MAN!

[Dblock10]

this sucks so much. sameold i know what you mean. is it really that black and white though?

 

word cannot even sum up all this. i feel like the whole thing is a mess. i feel like a mess. I didn't hang around as a friend before but the bridge of communication was there and she came back, we met up etc, but she has gone again now and i can't accept it. why am i such a loser !

[Sameold]

Dude...we are all living through this, I just lost the girl I wanted to marry after living with her and a 4 year relationship. Poof and she was gone, no real reasons but I found out she wasn't the person I thought she was.

 

You seem to be afraid of closure. If you kept a bridge open before and she came back but then left again doesn't that in itself tell you it is a failing tactic? Everything you have said tells me she is travelling and sleeping with whoever she likes, wherever she likes. She isn't bothered about you anymore past your friendship and the little pick me ups you give her. I'm sorry dude but you just wont accept that whatever you had is over and SHE is the one who has to want you. SHE needs to be the one pushing to see you and speak to you about a relationship.

 

Seriously, are you happy for her to be swallowing another guys's load whilst you sit in the background and she doesn't even care? Get out her life NOW!

[Dblock10]

thanks for those words that does help a lot.

 

how can i stop wanting to want her to be mine :s i get jealous and feel hurt thinking of her with another guy.

[Pod81]

Sorry to break it to you, but she's young and at the stage of her life where she wants to "do whatever, with whomever, whenever." I went with that with last last ex pretty recently. She doesn't want to answer to anyone right now. Simply put, she's too selfish and empathetic to be relationship material right now. I know you've probably had some good history with her, but the past is the past! She's this new immature, selfish person with a lot of inner demons that you cannot associate yourself with for the sake of your own sanity. If she wants to live selfishly, you need to do the same thing as well! Go out, have fun, meet new people, try new activities, etc. She doesn't deserve to have to have you as an security blanket to check in on every couple weeks while she has the time of her life. I know you're probably hoping/waiting that she comes back down to normal and becomes grounded and stable, but why wait for something that might not happen for a while, maybe even years? Besides, you can definitely find someone who can give you that right NOW without all the added BS. You know you deserve it and we all know you do as well! In the meantime, you need to learn to LET GO completely - block her phone, email, unsubscribe her from FB, etc etc. Out of sight, out of mind. Take a look at the guide below (if you haven't done so already).

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/84894-guide-second-chances

[todreaminblue]

panic struck me. i don't think i can let my ex go..

 

she is on the other side of the planet and living her life. but i feel horrible and don't want her to be with someone else.

 

this has consumed me now. i have not spoke to her for over 8 days and i don't want to become a stranger to her so staying in lc or contact would be my only option. but then by doing so i won't ever be able to move on properly and i'll wonder who's she's been going out with, what she's up to, and not knowing if she has hooked up with anyone the previous night etc. basically all those horrible thoughts. but then if i go into no contact properly then decide to talk to her say after a month or what ever, or sooner if she has contacted me, then if i hear she is with someone else now, that would gut me.

 

this hurts

 

I feel the same one of the reasons I have been struggling alot over the past few weeks.I pulled my online dating profile because i considered getting to know someone who was the spitting image of my ex.So not fair to the man involved he was a nice guy and understood.....exactly like my ex would and so unfair to the guys who tried to get to know me I have unresolved feelings.

I spoke to my ex and it doesnt help that he, even though he is with someone else cant stop the feelings he has for me either and doesnt want to go no contact with me(besides the fact we have children together) aaargh what a mess.We already know that we cant be in the same vicinity we only talk over the phone.Other lives we both care would be drawn into our hot mess and would be affected.

 

I would try no contact for a while if you can get some support of the people who care about you to help with withdrawals.Because it has similar feelings to having an addiction.I cant promise you that it is going to be a quick fix the no contact route when you lose something you care about or someone its going to hurt.Its best to deal with the hirt as soon as you can so others dotn have to feel teh same or for the hurt you feel to end up more complex.Hurting sadly can't be avoided.Just know that you are not the only person who has felt this way and most people struggle and find it hard to deal with.I feel better because I am trying to deal with it better today that I have accepted I have issues I need to deal with before I can move on.I am having a much better day today and accept that rough days are still going to occur and that it is what I have to prepare for......good luck and you are not alone..communicating with others who are in the same boat does provide a soothing feeling that you are not alone and all people struggle with hurting.....hugs to ya...deb

[Pod81]

But if you want here back it is best to restore some common ground and become her friend 1st.

 

 

I have to disagree with this part. Being her friend will only cause her to step all over you and use you as an emotional crutch/security blanket/doormat while she's out there having the time of her life. Graciously bow out of her life. Remember, the ball is in HER court...it's HER job to win YOU back and not the other way around.

[Dblock10]

@pod

yeah i have accepted that, and its tough. but there is ultimately nothing i can do about it. thats the way it is. well i did hope and wait for a year, she did come back but has now gone and didn't want a relationship with me still. so yeah i will do the same and i plan to. like you said its got to be her that comes to me, as did sameold. like same old said i don't want to be her gay best friend.

 

struggling to decide about the blocking etc on Facebook.

 

 

@dreamin

 

sorry to hear of your situation, when children are involved it must be heart breaking

 

yeah i am in nc simply because i have no power to change what is. staying in contact will only hurt me knowing i can't be with her, and knowing she is happy living the single life. why would i? its best to leave it how it is. she seems to only want me when it suits her and when it doesn't she's off doing other things/people.

 

how do you mean "Its best to deal with the hirt as soon as you can so others dotn have to feel teh same or for the hurt you feel to end up more complex"

 

yeah we are in the same boat many of us are. but i have accepted the situation a lot better now than i did back then.

 

 

@barnet

 

i get your angle but i think the back story to me and her is more complicated than that. i basically did what you said and she came back after a year but it was for more of a bit of fun and nice to see you again type thing, before she disappears off abroad again to stay in a country for a year..

[YorickBrown]

The relationship is OVER!

 

Do not be the fool that hangs around your ex as a friend. If you really want her in your life long term as a partner then you are doing all the wrong things. You need to let this go completely and if you ever get back then so be it but she needs to be the one to initiate it.

 

Do not be her gay best friend who asks how her day as been when the night before she lets some guy do her from behind!!!! Do not be that person, be a MAN!

 

I am grinning, like so --> the way you put it Sameold, brutal but true...I "liked" it but I "hate" you also...

 

this sucks so much. sameold i know what you mean. is it really that black and white though?

 

word cannot even sum up all this. i feel like the whole thing is a mess. i feel like a mess. I didn't hang around as a friend before but the bridge of communication was there and she came back, we met up etc, but she has gone again now and i can't accept it. why am i such a loser !

 

...Dblock, dude.....listen to what he said..."get behind" Sameold!!!

[todreaminblue]

@pod

yeah i have accepted that, and its tough. but there is ultimately nothing i can do about it. thats the way it is. well i did hope and wait for a year, she did come back but has now gone and didn't want a relationship with me still. so yeah i will do the same and i plan to. like you said its got to be her that comes to me, as did sameold. like same old said i don't want to be her gay best friend.

 

struggling to decide about the blocking etc on Facebook.

 

 

@dreamin

 

sorry to hear of your situation, when children are involved it must be heart breaking

 

yeah i am in nc simply because i have no power to change what is. staying in contact will only hurt me knowing i can't be with her, and knowing she is happy living the single life. why would i? its best to leave it how it is. she seems to only want me when it suits her and when it doesn't she's off doing other things/people.

 

how do you mean "Its best to deal with the hirt as soon as you can so others dotn have to feel teh same or for the hurt you feel to end up more complex"

 

yeah we are in the same boat many of us are. but i have accepted the situation a lot better now than i did back then.

 

 

@barnet

 

i get your angle but i think the back story to me and her is more complicated than that. i basically did what you said and she came back after a year but it was for more of a bit of fun and nice to see you again type thing, before she disappears off abroad again to stay in a country for a year..

 

 

how do you mean "Its best to deal with the hurt as soon as you can so others dont have to feel the same... or for the hurt you feel to end up more complex"

 

If you deal with the hurt you feel now, as quickly as you can... you and your ex {the other person} can both move on... because her indecision is going to cause her pain in the future and probably guilt and definately more grief for you.....the longer you allow hurt to be a part of your every day....the scars get deeper and harder to heal and the time it takes you to recover also longer......the scars become permanent and then effect the way you go into a new relationship in lots of ways insecurities, distrust suspicion developing a need to control the new relationship.....all by products of prolonging a relationship that is not good for you or that hurts you.......best wishes to you....deb

[Dblock10]

I'm sure she won't be sat around worrying about me.. she's probably been dating seeing someone new by now.

 

she probably has feelings for me, but not strong enough for her to want to be with me. and as she said she's happy being single, if she was after something she is on the other side of this world anyway so.. - her words

 

so it may cause her some discomfort in the future if she misses me but by then its usually to late. i should be happier at that point anyway.

 

i don't want pain to be part of my everyday life not at all. i get what you mean.

so what are you suggesting exactly?

[todreaminblue]

I'm sure she won't be sat around worrying about me.. she's probably been dating seeing someone new by now.

 

she probably has feelings for me, but not strong enough for her to want to be with me. and as she said she's happy being single, if she was after something she is on the other side of this world anyway so.. - her words

 

so it may cause her some discomfort in the future if she misses me but by then its usually to late. i should be happier at that point anyway.

 

i don't want pain to be part of my everyday life not at all. i get what you mean.

so what are you suggesting exactly?

 

I have known a lot of men who have suffered through pain because women have discounted them, mistreated them , abused them(yes men get abused),overlooked them, left them for greener pastures and some of the mothers that have bought them up( have caused serious psychological problems not to mention sexual problems because they don't feel like men anymore they feel substandard and useless )

 

these women they knew, were never happy they transfer all their unhappiness onto men, they blame men for their problems and think they deserve to have it all when they find someone good do you think that makes them happy.....no.....because then they are unhappy that they could do better and missing out the longer they stick around) ......

 

ill tell you what I told these men.......there are crap women and there are crap men who need to put all their rage, hate and or unhappiness onto someone else to make themselves feel good......pretty ****ed up way to live life.....basically they **** up your perception and confidence makes them feel empowered.......don't waste anymore time thinking of them you need to find someone who makes you feel excited for the next day to come not sick in the guts....that twists you into a bad mind frame....

if you think about all the crap you went through you will never find someone to make you happy that you can give back that feeling and share that.....

this is it ....at the end of the day.....

what do you want as your last memory before its over for you..do you want to have a smile on your face when you go........and that could happen tomorrow so choose your last memory if there is not one recently within a week say.... that is awesome.... you need to go find it now so get trekkin...

i think you know what the answer is......here is mine.......carpe diem..you are mssing out....seize the day you are in.... make it yours and surround yourself with people who love life and dont ever expect a relationship with a woman to provide happiness....you should already have it.......I wish you the best..here is a song just for you..."shiny happy people" by rem I know this is long....hope i helped....heres a hug for your journey from me to you....happy trails....deb

[Dblock10]

as of late its been 3 weeks with nothing said or heard to ex.

 

still think about her :/ its so frustrating. was away at the weekend with two friends and we saw plenty of hot girls, but still i thought about my ex some what.

 

just wondering when this will all end, we haven't been together for over a year or close to a year now...

 

this isn't normal, keep getting thoughts of seeing/hearing her in a relationship on fb, keep thinking of the two other guys she slept with

 

yeah this isn't great

[barese1]

Mate I'm still feeling all what you've said but I will say to you that its only been three weeks since you've not had contact.

 

Give it some time then see how you feel. I know that feeling, you might be chatting/getting with a hot girl but its not the same. One day it will be though...we just don't know when

[sendme]

as of late its been 3 weeks with nothing said or heard to ex.

 

this isn't normal, keep getting thoughts of seeing/hearing her in a relationship on fb, keep thinking of the two other guys she slept with

 

yeah this isn't great

 

I think you are absolutely normal... when you have sex with someone monogamously you form an intimate bond, and when that bond is broken it cheapens what you treasured and what you gave them...

 

Don't be down on yourself because you are capable of loving and feeling and committing... just try to realize that she isn't the one, but somewhere someday you'll find the one who is worth the love and commitment you offer...

 

Of course my own love life is a hot jerry springer mess... so feel free to disregard anything I say

[Dblock10]

yeah cheers guys,

 

bares did you check up on your ex? is she with someone new?

 

so 3 weeks isn't much i know. but when you have tried to avoid noticing their display pic on fb and not heard anything, the mind goes walking.

 

send me, what gets me down is that I'm still hung up on it :s and when i look back i realise that she moved on almost instantly never looked back, travelling having the time of her life sleeping with other men its no wonder she never initiated contact when she left the country, was to busy enjoying everything. sure i slept with other girls when she was gone but they were purely rebounds and to satisfy my needs.

 

i hate thinking that she could just jump into bed with another guy and that he would be doings things to her that i used to do. and wondering how much she would be loving it with the new person, imagining her face etc.

 

i miss her, and i miss sleeping with her, truly miss the sex with her.

 

 

the only thing that seems to help is to think she doesn't care she moved on, she chose to move away again, she only wants me when it suits her, she has her life i have mine, i need to get on with things and put it behind me... but then i still think about her and now feeling or thinking she will never come back is just killing me. but then also i think to myself there is nothing to go back to, we are living totally different lives now and who knows what will happen or is happening.

 

staying in touch is doable but would only hurt to hear what she's up to not knowing if she had slept with someone recently etc, and id constantly be thinking in the back of my mind about who she's hanging out with etc. is just torture so ignorance is bliss, but then at the same time will only help her move on and totally forget me if i stay nc

[barese1]

Mate I won't lie, thats pretty much the hardest thing for me too. This girl was unbelievable in bed and I dread the thought of her saying and doing those things with somone else.

 

No, I could find out but I don't want to. The dread of what she might be doing is easier to deal with than knowing she definitely is f*cking someone else. I'd rather not know at all.

 

I do think blocking fb and NC is the only way but there's not much else to do about those thoughts other than chase them away. I've been hooking up with girls recently and not sure if that helps or not at the moment. We'll see

[Dblock10]

yeah you sound like we have the same dilemma completely. its rough.

 

well this is the weird thing mate, i did that, and i was getting on with my life! i hadn't been on LS for a few months and i had met a new girl, very hot, and cute all those things.. but it didn't work out for what ever reason. Of course i still thought about my ex but it wasn't as full on as it used to be, then me and the ex met again and it was magical, she was kissing me loads telling me how she had missed me etc etc can you imagine that...

 

it had been a year since we met or talked on the phone let alone in person and sleeping with her once again, it was so strange but amazing. we talked about things and i asked how many she had slept with, at the time it didn't really get to me as i had been busy and slept with people also, but now she's gone again and i miss her and the sex and its hard to get in my head that i may not see her again and she could be or probably is sleeping with another guy..

 

i guess the naive hopeful side of me hoped that maybe she wouldn't go back abroad to work and just stay in the uk, she told me she has feelings for me and cares, but isn't after a relationship and is happy being single. so yeah pretty much indicates she's doing what she wants when she wants with who ever she wants.

 

you are right about blocking fb etc but i can't do it. not yet anyway. maybe when i hear for sure she is with someone new i might do it. but by then hopefully i may be happy with someone or have things to do. Its just so ****. its so much easier when your in a more healthy place and you don't care what they are doing or who.

 

for me i think the idea of her coming back just isn't there anymore and i know that what ever we had is totally over and in the past. so the quicker i forget it and move on the better in all honesty

[Chi townD]

you are right about blocking fb etc but i can't do it. not yet anyway. maybe when i hear for sure she is with someone new i might do it. but by then hopefully i may be happy with someone or have things to do. Its just so ****. its so much easier when your in a more healthy place and you don't care what they are doing or who.

 

 

Why are you hurting yourself? The fact is, you don't want to block her on FB because that is the last true "Life line" you have to her and you're afraid to severe that string. Therefore, you are not truely in NC.

 

And what happens if you see pics of her and some guy looking all happy and possibly kissing. That is going to gut you, and you'll be back on here. RIGHT BACK AT SQUARE ONE!!!

 

Dude, you're right, she's living her life and she could really give a damn about what you're doing. So, don't let her win! Put yourself out there. Make changes to yourself. GO out! Take a trip! Look, it might feel weird and you might not get a lot of enjoyment out of it......at first. But, in time, you'll start to feel better and you'll start to look forward to all the little trips and events that you've planned for yourself. Trust me, it will happen. Don't let her win.

[Dblock10]

exactly chi, i guess it could look like the last life line and maybe on some small scale it is, but its not that entirely, its largely that by deleting her it shows i care it shows i can't handle it... where as just being blissfully ignorant and carrying on, will in time, be the better option as it will show me moving on doing my own thing to.

 

i can't pretend she isn't alive, she isn't out there, just seems wrong. and truth is we never know what they are thinking. but yes i agree that it would gut me seeing that.. that is what i fear. maybe i will delete and block then consider re adding her later down the line i don't know i think i want to be strong.

 

Im making changes, made changes, been out this weekend and it was amazing. looking forward to starting uni and cracking on with life. but for now its a bit of a struggle nothing going on in my home area, got uni work to do though so best be doing that, once I'm engulfed with that and the gym i should be able to hold out until uni starts .

[Chi townD]

exactly chi, i guess it could look like the last life line and maybe on some small scale it is, but its not that entirely, its largely that by deleting her it shows i care it shows i can't handle it... where as just being blissfully ignorant and carrying on, will in time, be the better option as it will show me moving on doing my own thing to.

 

i can't pretend she isn't alive, she isn't out there, just seems wrong. and truth is we never know what they are thinking. but yes i agree that it would gut me seeing that.. that is what i fear. maybe i will delete and block then consider re adding her later down the line i don't know i think i want to be strong.

 

Im making changes, made changes, been out this weekend and it was amazing. looking forward to starting uni and cracking on with life. but for now its a bit of a struggle nothing going on in my home area, got uni work to do though so best be doing that, once I'm engulfed with that and the gym i should be able to hold out until uni starts .

 

 

Dude, if what you wrote is true, she won't give a damn that you've blocked her and I speculate, she won't even notice she's blocked. And you're right. You can't handle it right now! You haven't healed and you haven't moved on. You need to do that. And if she does notice and texts you why she's blocked. Then, just respond that I can't have any contact with you (including FB) until I've healed and moved on. This is hard for me, and even though you're enjoying the single life, I still have feelings for you and seeing your FB page hurts. I just need time to heal. If she can't understand that, then you're better off without her.

[Pod81]

Even if you don't delete her off FB, the very least you should do is unsubscribe so that her status changes and posts don't show up on your newsfeed. That's what I did with my ex. However, this would only work if you can honestly say that you won't look at her page. What's the point anyway? Anything she says or any pics she posts up can only potentially hurt you and not help. Your mind would go crazy overanalyzing every little post. Let that be your motivation for not looking!

[Dblock10]

i haven't looked on her wall. i did it for a year without looking when i thought i was over her. and guess what, it didn't effect me, i was in a better place.. but then we met up and slept together and my mind and body went right back to old times. effectively opened up and brought back all those feelings i had for her