How to cope

[Ross MwcFan]

I suffer from anxiety, depression, and find regular life very overwhelming and hard to deal with. And now the money that I was getting for being sick has been stopped, which means I'll be getting a lot less money and I'll have to actively look for work and go to job interviews and take a job if I get one otherwise my money will be stopped all together.

 

How do I cope with being forced into a crappy job where I'll feel really anxious and uncomfortable and really depressed, and where I'll probably get bullied?

 

How do I cope with probably having to work at this kind of job for the rest of my life?

 

How do I cope with having to drive (this is if I can still afford to drive) to interviews and to places that I don't know, where the routes are complicated, when I'm not that good at driving, and I'll be incredibly scared, and I know I'll expereince many incidents and crashes, and will get shouted at by other motorists, and will probably get beaten up?

 

How do I cope with having to wear glasses when I go out (I wont be able to afford contact lenses anymore), when I feel like I look really loserish in them, and they make me really self concious, make me have zero confidence, and will make me even more of a target for bullying?

 

How do I cope with having to go to the job centre often where the people there will probably not be understanding of my situation, and will probably be rude towards me, and where there'll probably always be loads of chavs in there, who will probably sometimes be nasty towards me (used to happen when I had to go to the job center many years ago)

 

How do I cope with all these things at once?

 

Already my depression and anxiety have gone way worse. And if it wasn't for people who care about me I would give anything to be dead.

 

I'm already on medication and I'm seeing a therapist but it's not enough.

Edited July 22, 2012 by Ross MwcFan

[Els]

I'm sorry to hear this happened. I thought they just told you that you had to go to some work seminar or counselling or something (sorry, the details elude my mind) to qualify for financial help? What happened to that?

 

FWIW, my experience has been that people in job centres are usually nice, most people look fine in glasses even though they think they don't, and perhaps you could take a bus instead of drive if you hate driving?

[writergal]

Take it one step at a time Ross. Don't try to address all of your anxieties at once or you'll just feel overwhelmed more than you do already.

 

When I feel overwhelmed, I find that making lists helps me, because then I can look at each task separately. It will help you feel more in-control of your situation.

 

I agree with Elswyth about people at job centers being helpful. Since your disability checks will end, you may have the option to ask for an extension. Have you already done that?

 

When I was collecting unemployment checks, I was allowed to apply for three extensions (each extension lasted 3 months). Then I went to a job center (we call them Work Force Centers here), where I could attend job-finding seminars, search for jobs on their computers, and get access to more county and state resources for financial support. So you may want to go down to your local job center or county office.

 

I'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed Ross. Don't try to tackle all of your worries at once. Just take one at a time. Your first concern is your finances. Focus on resolving that first, then worry about the job, the driving, and the glasses, etc. after you've taken care of that.

[Els]

When I feel overwhelmed, I find that making lists helps me, because then I can look at each task separately. It will help you feel more in-control of your situation.

 

Seconding this. I make uber long lists during times like this, or when huge decisions need to be made. Sometimes they take 2-3 hours to brainstorm and write out, but the relief and clarity of mind you obtain after that is irreplaceable.

[Ross MwcFan]

I'm sorry to hear this happened. I thought they just told you that you had to go to some work seminar or counselling or something (sorry, the details elude my mind) to qualify for financial help? What happened to that?

 

FWIW, my experience has been that people in job centres are usually nice, most people look fine in glasses even though they think they don't, and perhaps you could take a bus instead of drive if you hate driving?

 

It was a place that I was supposed to visit once a month, where they would let you go at your own pace, and help you find a job that you would be able to do/would be able to cope with.

 

I only went there twice though, because they never sent me an appointment letter to see them for the 3rd time, and they said when I do see them again it would be at some other place.

 

Now because I'm not on sickness benefit anymore I wont be able to go there anyway.

 

I could take buses, but I'm not sure if I'd be able to afford the bus fares on top of runnign my car.

 

I guess I'll have to either drive and be scared out of my mind, and to feel extreme anxiety al the time (even when I'm at home), and experience incidents and crashes. Or I'll have to give up driving, and sell the car so I'll be able to afford taking the bus to places. If I go for the second option it will mean that I'll end up pretty much a recluse, since driving helped me to get out often (I only drive to 2 places that I am able to manage driving to), because I feel anxiety about taking the bus to places, and a lot more walking is involved, and I'm worried about getting bullied at the bus stop where I live because of the way people are around here (before having a car, whenever I used to walk down the main road instead of getting a bus I would get picked on, for some reaosn though I never thought of getting the bus instead, but I can still see myself getting picked on when I'm waiting at the bus stop)

[writergal]

Yep Elswyth. I agree.

 

Ross, you can write the lists out by hand, type them out on you computer and then save them in a Word document.

 

Why lists are great tools: 10 Reasons Why We Love Making Lists : NPR

 

Help you organize your life

Help you remember things

Can be meaningful to you

Length depends on your needs

Relieves stress and focuses your mind

Helps with time management

Prevents procrastination

[Ross MwcFan]

Yep Elswyth. I agree.

 

Ross, you can write the lists out by hand, type them out on you computer and then save them in a Word document.

 

Why lists are great tools: 10 Reasons Why We Love Making Lists : NPR

 

Help you organize your life

Help you remember things

Can be meaningful to you

Length depends on your needs

Relieves stress and focuses your mind

Helps with time management

Prevents procrastination

 

I don't know how I'm supposed to write the lists. Do I just list all my problems and how I should tackle them? I don't know how to tackle a lot of them though.

[writergal]

I don't know how I'm supposed to write the lists. Do I just list all my problems and how I should tackle them? I don't know how to tackle a lot of them though.

 

Well, have you written lists before? Write your list out in whatever style you choose.

 

I usually divide my lists into categories relevant to my life, such as:

 

Grad School

Health

Spirituality

Dating

Finances

Social Life

Hobbies

Pets

 

There's so many different ways to write lists. It just depends on your style.

 

Here's a sample list based on your posts in your thread based on my list-writing style. Some of it I just improvised...as an example.

 

1. Call up job center today.

a. Explain my situation to them

b. Ask them if they can connect me to a job counselor or resources to help me with my financial situation.

 

2. Mood

a. Go for a walk

b. Post on LoveShack

c. Watch a funny movie

 

3. Small Business Ideas: Sell artwork on website

a. check out entrepreneur resources

b. attend free seminars about how to run my own website to sell my artwork

c. do informational interviews with small business owners, consultants, website owners.

d. take one or two computer classes (ask about grants or scholarships if offered through a job center or non-profit, to help pay for cost) towards goal of becoming a computer consultant

[SpiralOut]

When I read your post I see a lot of catastrophe thinking....assuming the worst...

 

Whenever I feel that way I find it helpful to write things out. It's kind of similar to writing a list, except I'll only write out each step at a time. I'll write down the first thing that needs to be done, do it, then write down the next thing, do it, and so on. Otherwise I become overwhelmed by the amount of items on the list that I need to follow. Or sometimes I will write a list, then set it aside where I can't see it. I'll only look at it after I've done some things and can't remember what to do next.

 

So when starting, just write down the first thing that needs to be done, what worries you about it, and what can you do to make it less stressful. Then do it. Don't even worry about what you need to do after that. Just focus on the first thing that needs to be done.

[Taramere]

I suffer from anxiety, depression, and find regular life very overwhelming and hard to deal with. And now the money that I was getting for being sick has been stopped, which means I'll be getting a lot less money and I'll have to actively look for work and go to job interviews and take a job if I get one otherwise my money will be stopped all together.

 

Did you appeal against the decision to stop your sickness allowance, Ross? You should be able to claim bus fares for attending any appointments you have to go to.

[Ross MwcFan]

When I read your post I see a lot of catastrophe thinking....assuming the worst...

 

Whenever I feel that way I find it helpful to write things out. It's kind of similar to writing a list, except I'll only write out each step at a time. I'll write down the first thing that needs to be done, do it, then write down the next thing, do it, and so on. Otherwise I become overwhelmed by the amount of items on the list that I need to follow. Or sometimes I will write a list, then set it aside where I can't see it. I'll only look at it after I've done some things and can't remember what to do next.

 

So when starting, just write down the first thing that needs to be done, what worries you about it, and what can you do to make it less stressful. Then do it. Don't even worry about what you need to do after that. Just focus on the first thing that needs to be done.

 

Okay I'll try that.

[Ross MwcFan]

Did you appeal against the decision to stop your sickness allowance, Ross? You should be able to claim bus fares for attending any appointments you have to go to.

 

I've not done so yet, since I got the letter on Sat and today is Sun. I did actually think before about trying to appeal against the decision tomorrow.

[Ross MwcFan]

Well, have you written lists before? Write your list out in whatever style you choose.

 

I usually divide my lists into categories relevant to my life, such as:

 

Grad School

Health

Spirituality

Dating

Finances

Social Life

Hobbies

Pets

 

There's so many different ways to write lists. It just depends on your style.

 

Here's a sample list based on your posts in your thread based on my list-writing style. Some of it I just improvised...as an example.

 

1. Call up job center today.

a. Explain my situation to them

b. Ask them if they can connect me to a job counselor or resources to help me with my financial situation.

 

2. Mood

a. Go for a walk

b. Post on LoveShack

c. Watch a funny movie

 

3. Small Business Ideas: Sell artwork on website

a. check out entrepreneur resources

b. attend free seminars about how to run my own website to sell my artwork

c. do informational interviews with small business owners, consultants, website owners.

d. take one or two computer classes (ask about grants or scholarships if offered through a job center or non-profit, to help pay for cost) towards goal of becoming a computer consultant

 

So you just write a list for what you need to do that day?

[Taramere]

I've not done so yet, since I got the letter on Sat and today is Sun. I did actually think before about trying to appeal against the decision tomorrow.

 

Don't think about appealing. Do it. That will buy you some extra time. Possibly a few months, and you're going to need to use those months very constructively in trying your best to build up confidence in going out and about. I know that's easy to advise and not easy to do...but what you have to understand is that the government agency doesn't care whether the prospect of having to go into a workplace leaves a person feeling suicidal with anxiety. They will still say "you're fit for work". Emotional problems will only cut it if they think you're likely to put others at risk (either by being violent or by being so out of it, concentration wise, that you might make stupid and dangerous mistakes).

 

I've a friend who's a doctor, and we were just talking about this yesterday. She feels that a lot of people who really aren't fit to go back to work are being pressurised back into it..and that it brings problems for absolutely everybody. The person themselves, obviously, the employer, colleagues etc. There's also that aspect of people only getting to stay on sick pay if they are assessed as being a danger to others. WTF kind of society does that breed? It's frightening...it really is.

[Ross MwcFan]

Don't think about appealing. Do it. That will buy you some extra time. Possibly a few months, and you're going to need to use those months very constructively in trying your best to build up confidence in going out and about. I know that's easy to advise and not easy to do...but what you have to understand is that the government agency doesn't care whether the prospect of having to go into a workplace leaves a person feeling suicidal with anxiety. They will still say "you're fit for work". Emotional problems will only cut it if they think you're likely to put others at risk (either by being violent or by being so out of it, concentration wise, that you might make stupid and dangerous mistakes).

 

I've a friend who's a doctor, and we were just talking about this yesterday. She feels that a lot of people who really aren't fit to go back to work are being pressurised back into it..and that it brings problems for absolutely everybody. The person themselves, obviously, the employer, colleagues etc. There's also that aspect of people only getting to stay on sick pay if they are assessed as being a danger to others. WTF kind of society does that breed? It's frightening...it really is.

 

 

Well, I do feel like I may 'snap' if I end up being bullied.

[Taramere]

Well, I do feel like I may 'snap' if I end up being bullied.

 

I think you should tread carefully there. What you don't want is to say something (in a desparate bid to win an appeal) that could pose problems for you at a future date.

 

Why don't you have a look at this site

 

Successful incapacity benefit appeals

 

It might be of assistance.

[Ross MwcFan]

I think you should tread carefully there. What you don't want is to say something (in a desparate bid to win an appeal) that could pose problems for you at a future date.

 

Why don't you have a look at this site

 

Successful incapacity benefit appeals

 

It might be of assistance.

 

Thanks, I'll take a look.

[Taramere]

I can't believe I spelt desperate "desparate".

 

Good luck, Ross. I hope you get your appeal.

[quankanne]

lotta good suggestions here, my friend ... as for your questions about lists, maybe separate into two sets of goals: short-term (what needs to be done immediately, like file an appeal) and long-term (overall goals). The cool part is that you can fill in the blanks as you go, and chances are, as you complete these goals, one or more issues will be affected or answered. So, start small, and then conquer away, baby!

 

as for the lack of contacts, here's my take: With the right pair of frames, a person can look incredibly sexy. And intelligent. I tried contacts before, some 25 years ago but had problems because of dry eyes. My doctor tells me they've got better quality ones that breathe and won't make the dry eyes worse, but I kinda like how I look in my glasses, so I've kept them. The only regret? Not being savvy about the styles I chose in the past, but hey! It was the 80s and everyone had those ugly frames!!!! Gonna try posting a current photo for you. I really don't think I look like myself without the glasses ...

[writergal]

Ross,

 

I like Quankkane's suggestion of making two lists for yourself:

 

short term goals (urgent, must be addressed now)

 

-appeal for your sick benefits on Monday July 23rd

-secure financial assistance for yourself while you look for a job

-take the bus or ask your mom to drive you to the job center so you can meet with someone to help you form a short-term plan for finding part-time income.

 

long term goals (less urgent but important, can take time to accomplish these)

 

-create a website to sell your artwork on

-decrease your anxiety when you drive or take the bus

-feel good about wearing glasses until you can afford contacts again

 

 

I like to make TO DO LISTS for each day. I have a notebook that I keep my lists in. You can do that and carry it with you throughout your day, or you can create your list in a Microsoft Word document and save it.

[Eclypse]

Ross, I am going to voice my opinion here, and you will probably not like what I have to say.

 

After reading your last few threads, not to mention most of the threads you have made over the last few years here 2 words have formed in my mind and stick out more than any others. And these are: Procrastination and Entitlement. I have lost count of how many times over the last year and a half or so you have said you'll "look into such and such" or "think about going to the animal shelter." It's all very well to plan to do something, but it doesn't mean much until you put your money where your mouth is and go do it. Actions speak louder than words. At your current rate, by the time you actually go to the animal shelter to pick up the forms most people on this site will have moved onto other things, and by the time you actually fill them out the rapture will be upon us. People have given you advice, but you continually reject it. If you want to make a change in your life then go do it. As cruel as this may sound, your mother won't be around forever... and then who's going to take care of you?

 

Also once again, don't take this harshly, but you do sound like you think you're entitled to free money from the guv. You used to be able to do this, but not any more. I don't doubt you have issues, but so do most people. Do you think I enjoy getting up at 6:30 every day and coming home at 6:30 or 7? No I do not, and I would much rather stay at home all day playing Xbox. But I can't just up and leave my job. The fact is the times they are a-changin'. Welfare states used to be commonplace. But alas, the budget surplus has run out, and now it's time to wake up and smell the roses. My grandfather retired at 53 on disability due to Angina Pectoris. Nowadays that's not enough to qualify you for disability in the country he lives in. The government doesn't care about you or me. They want to get rid of as many people on the dole as possible. As a healthy man in his mid 30s "I don't want to work a **** job" just isn't going to cut it these days. The guy who broke his back after being hit by a car... you bet he'll get priority for the disability money. If everyone went on disability and no one paid taxes, then where would your money come from?

 

Also you have to learn that people simply aren't nice. In fact most of them are jerks. You are worried about getting bullied, and I understand that, but that is a simple fact of life that most people fall into 2 categories: a small number of people who are genuine and caring and actually have your best interests at heart, and a large number who can go get f*cked. The sooner you learn to accept this the better it will be for you. There is no way around this. Either stay at home all the time (which you can't do anymore) or learn to deal with people and stand up for yourself. I am still learning every day just how cut-throat the world is. It's all very cloak and dagger. Pretty much everyone is looking to stab you in the back when you aren't looking (figuratively of course). But you have to develop resilience and combat this and if you are able to do so you will come out on top and lead a successful life I promise.

 

You have dreams. You want a woman. You want to be able to live alone. You've been given an opportunity to do this. Just stand up for yourself and go out there and take the world on! Le jeux sont faits. It's sink or swim time.

Edited July 23, 2012 by Eclypse

[Taramere]

Also once again, don't take this harshly, but you do sound like you think you're entitled to free money from the guv. You used to be able to do this, but not any more.

 

No..that entitlement to government money has been usurped by companies like Atos healthcare and Ingeus.

 

Atos is the company that carries out medical assessments on people who are on disability. Its boss gets £800,000 per year. Here's a report about the many people who have died of stress related illnesses after ATOS declared them fit for work.

 

Atos - how much grief can one company cause? - Investigations

 

The more people ATOS declares fit for work, the better its chances of hanging onto that government contract.

 

Ingeus is a company that is paid by the government to get people into jobs. They might get fired for lack of capability in a matter of weeks (causing further problems if they're already psychologically unfit for work), but Ingeus still gets its cut regardless.

 

I think people are better being productive and working if they're able, but I absolutely abhor this practice of the government giving private contractors highly lucrative contracts to force people into jobs when they clearly aren't fit for work. It's creating a very rotten system, and it's one that I think should be fought tooth and nail rather than condoned with a "suck it up" approach.

[josie54]

You mentioned that you were already seeing a therapist. Ask your therapist to help you write down your action plan for the next few months. Each week, with your therapist, discuss your overall goals, and the steps you need to accomplish toward that goal over the coming week. Those goals should fit three criteria. 1) They should be direct and specific, with a verb attached, such as "Narrow down and make a list of type of jobs I can do," "Call job center" or "Fill out application at X." 2) They should be reasonably sized, so that they are easily accomplished within the week. And 3) They should lead directly to the larger goal or goals you set with your therapist. (In this case, the goal is probably "Find a job that suits my skills, so that I can support myself.")

 

Ask your therapist to help you be accountable for accomplishing the tasks each week. If you set goals that are reasonable, there should be no reason why you would go to your next therapy session having not completed them. If you don't complete them, you and your therapist will have to delve into why. If you repeatedly don't complete them, then.... well, I would say next would probably not help you!

 

And I've said this before in some of your previous posts--and in this, I agree with Eclypse, although Eclypse by his or her own admission may have put it harshly. You seem to think you if you can't have a job you love, then you shouldn't have to work at all, and I've never understood why you think that. I realize that you suffer from oversized anxiety and catastrophic thinking that do not afflict the rest of us, but you don't just say "I'm too scared to work." You say, "I don't want a job I don't like." That second part is a big problem. Your anxiety is an obstacle, for sure. But you just need to get over that second part. You are not entitled to a job you love, or even like much, just because you want it. All of us want jobs we love, but none of us are entitled to them. You can narrow your search down to exclude certain jobs that are sure to make you miserable (if you don't like doing construction, well, don't apply to those jobs), but once you've narrowed down your search to jobs you think you could do, then start applying and take the first one that hires you.

 

Few people "love" their jobs. Most of those who truly love their jobs worked years at jobs they didn't love. We work so we can have money to do what we love in the hours we're not working. When we have enough experience, we can use that experience to find a job we like better. But look around you next time you're out and about and see how many people are out there working. How many of those people do you think love what they're doing? Why do you think you should be any different from them? From us?

 

My jobs were, in order: Fast food clerk, office gopher, data entry person, library assistant, part-time secretary (at several jobs, one at which the pervert I worked for groped me and I quit FAST), tutor, teacher, editor/writer. That's 22 years in a nutshell. And that first job pretty much sucked. The next few were boring as hell, but the people were nice (with the exception of the groper). Toward the end, I had my college degree and was taking on more and more responsibility. Now, I work from home and pretty much make my own hours.

 

Also, realize even the smallest jobs often have their perks, besides the paycheck. Shopping mall clerks get employee discounts, fast food workers get free food, construction workers get overtime pay, receptionists often get bonuses. Most of the time, even the jobs you'd think you'd hate really aren't that bad. ANY job you take has value--no matter what it is, it's giving you valuable experience and helping you build interpersonal skills and a sense of responsibility.

 

We all have a responsibility to take care of ourselves (although some do not for various reasons--some valid, some not). Society would collapse if most people didn't work to support themselves financially. And government has a responsibility to help those who are on disability try to get off it eventually. Society only functions if we each try to take care of ourselves by any means necessary--even if it means taking on jobs we'd rather not have, working with people we'd rather not work with, and doing things we'd rather not do. We can use that work to help us qualify for jobs we like better down the road. It's just how it works.

 

How do you cope with that? By doing what the rest of us do--take satisfaction in the fact that the work you do helps you pay your way in the world, have money to start building the life you want, and help the world function. Waiters, receptionists, sales clerks, janitors, trash men, construction workers, teachers, doctors, lawyers, and astronauts--everyone keeps the world running in some way. You cope by taking pride in the fact that you're doing good work, conquering your fears, and supporting yourself after so long. Once you're on the other side, you'll see why it's worth it.

 

I have a feeling this isn't what you want to hear, and this isn't going to help much. But that's my best answer to your question.

[pteromom]

I find it difficult to believe that people bully you every time you walk out of the house. Either you live in an incredibly rough area, or you are seeing bullying where there isn't any.

 

Unlike Elswyth, I believe that MOST people are good and kind and just trying to make their own lives better, and there are a few jerks sprinkled in. You have to avoid the jerks.

 

And guys look cute in glasses. Unless you have really ugly glasses, I bet they look nice on you.

[betterdeal]

It's curious, but most people I know with rosy jobs have done plenty of ****ty ones. See, the thing with jobs is, they fill your days and get you out of your head and into the world, and the ****tier they are, generally the more they need doing. So get out there and get a ****ty job and hold your nose. You want to get to the top, expect to do a bit of climbing.

 

Or don't. It's your life.

Edited July 23, 2012 by betterdeal