Dad got his affair partner pregnant Now what

[Ska]

My parents have had a rocky relationship since I can remember, we found out a month ago he's been cheating on my mom for two years with a girl 20+ years younger than him. On top of that, she's 3 months pregnant.

 

My dad has had at least 2 other affairs my siblings and I know of. He's a liar, and a con artist. He isn't an attractive man and has always abused my mother.

 

This girl is younger than my two siblings an older than I am, and apparently knows nothing about any of this. We asked him if he'd used a condom, and he gave us his famous "condoms are for sailors" line. Meaning no.

 

My mom told him she wanted to see this girl and he told us we were in luck, they were going to a party and we could all tag along if we played by his rules. We couldn't tell anyone who we were, speak to him, speak to his girlfriend, and stay at least a few feet away from him.

 

When we got to where we were going he took off his ring and hid it in his truck, and walked in front of us. We walked into the backyard of the house we were at and there she was. As much as I hate to admit it she was beautiful, way out of his league.

 

They started to kiss when he got to her, he held her hand and made sure he stayed by her all night. They went and sat with people who were my age and talked. He completely changed his personality with them. He was nice, he told stories, he sounded like a nice guy for a change. She was all over him too kissing him, rubbing his arms, and laying her head on him.

 

I wanted to get up and tell her what was going on, but my mom told me no, she wanted to watch. we were there for hours and it was the most difficult thing I've ever watched.

 

At the end of the night she wanted him to go home with her, he told her no he couldn't because he wanted to make sure he got up in the morning because he had things to do. They said goodbye and we walked back to the truck. He seemed almost proud of himself. My mom cried the whole way home, she is beside herself still.

 

When we got back he stayed in his truck for half an hour and when he came in he went into the other room and slept. I want to tell this girl about him, because for some strange reason I feel bad for her.

 

How do I deal with this? Should I tell this young girl she's been lied to? What should I say to my mom to make her understand she should kick him to the curb? What do I do? I want to see him crash and burn, but for some reason I don't want this girl to do it alone. Why am I acting so noble? I just don't understand any of this, as odd as it may seem I already feel a responsibility to my half sibling, they don't deserve this. Any help is appreciated.

Edited July 22, 2012 by Ska

[Radu]

I think your dad is sick, so very sick. Probably a Narcissist.

Your mom wanted to watch because she wanted to get the motivation to leave [my guess].

 

Yes, i would tell her but i would also bring undeniable proof of this.

Family pictures, all of it.

 

I think your mom needs a lot of help from you and your siblings, because what you describe is incredible emotional abuse.

 

Remember that lesson, because many times kids end up with a partner like their opposite sex parent.

Remember that when a guy mistreats you.

 

What does your family and siblings think ?

[Ska]

I think your dad is sick, so very sick. Probably a Narcissist.

Your mom wanted to watch because she wanted to get the motivation to leave [my guess].

 

Yes, i would tell her but i would also bring undeniable proof of this.

Family pictures, all of it.

 

I think your mom needs a lot of help from you and your siblings, because what you describe is incredible emotional abuse.

 

Remember that lesson, because many times kids end up with a partner like their opposite sex parent.

Remember that when a guy mistreats you.

 

What does your family and siblings think ?

 

I'm a guy, but it's cool. I think he's a narrsissit too, but he's never been diagnosed.

 

I made it a point to never be like him since I first saw him hit her. I remember going to a friends house after and when I came back it was obvious he'd beaten the sh*t out of her...

 

My siblings are pissed too, they hate him as much as I do, but I don't think they want to get involved.

Edited July 22, 2012 by Ska

[Radu]

I think it's seriously messed up if your siblings [older] don't want to get involved in this and protect their mother.

 

I also suspect that you feel some obligation to help for what you just mentioned [that incident].

Nobody lives with someone like this for 20yrs and not get messed up to some degree, trust me on this ... i had a grandfather who also was very controlling and manipulative and i know the history of my dad and his brother, my dad's brother actually cut all ties with the rest of his family and refused to come by and visit.

 

Get some therapy, read up on this abusive relationships, and i hope you can help your mother.

 

I mention this because i truly believe in action and reaction.

You mention you will never be like him, there is a slight danger you will go the other way and be a doormat, confuse high self-esteem [something your mom lacks right now] with being a ball busting feminazi.

It is hard to find your neutral spot, to center yourself.

Edited July 22, 2012 by Radu

[Ska]

I think it's seriously messed up if your siblings [older] don't want to get involved in this and protect their mother.

 

I also suspect that you feel some obligation to help for what you just mentioned [that incident].

Nobody lives with someone like this for 20yrs and not get messed up to some degree, trust me on this ... i had a grandfather who also was very controlling and manipulative and i know the history of my dad and his brother, my dad's brother actually cut all ties with the rest of his family and refused to come by and visit.

 

Get some therapy, read up on this abusive relationships, and i hope you can help your mother.

 

I mention this because i truly believe in action and reaction.

You mention you will never be like him, there is a slight danger you will go the other way and be a doormat, confuse high self-esteem [something your mom lacks right now] with being a ball busting feminazi.

It is hard to find your neutral spot, to center yourself.

 

Yea, I got into therapy as soon as I could get off my dads insurance and on my own. He refused to pay for it, and made sure I couldn't go. I'm in a better place than I was a few years ago, it's helped.

 

What I mean with my siblings is they want to help my mom. They want her to leave him too. I just don't think they want to get involved with this new baby, or help this girl. For some strange reason I want to, I can't figure out why. Maybe I feel bad because I know how he is, and she doesn't.

[pink_sugar]

Your dad sounds like a class a douchebag. I would seriously disown a parent like that. My dad has been dating women 20+ years younger than him and if he got any one of them pregnant, I wouldn't speak to him again. His ex W who was 20 years younger wanted a baby with him and thanfully he got the D instead. I would tell that girl. I would usually say it's not your business, but the poor thing has no clue to what's going on this whole time. It's time to come clean with her, show photos, try and get your older siblings to introduce themselves etc.

[Ska]

Your dad sounds like a class a douchebag. I would seriously disown a parent like that. My dad has been dating women 20+ years younger than him and if he got any one of them pregnant, I wouldn't speak to him again. His ex W who was 20 years younger wanted a baby with him and thanfully he got the D instead. I would tell that girl. I would usually say it's not your business, but the poor thing has no clue to what's going on this whole time. It's time to come clean with her, show photos, try and get your older siblings to introduce themselves etc.

 

I would have if my mom hadn't stayed with him. That's what's made it hard, she loves him, but for years I've got the feeling she's afraid of him...

 

My dad almost bragged the fact this girl has no idea. I mean who does that?

 

Should I offer her my help? I want to, but I don't want to look stupid or like a creep. She's only a year older than me.

[darkmoon]

tbh, Ska, it's your Mother that needs you, imo

[goodthingscome]

Wow, hate to say this but you have a seriously f'd up family. I don't know who is "sicker", your dad or your mom. They both need help and while it's commendable that you want to protect your mom and this 'girl', you really need to distance yourself. Both of them have "failed" as a mom and dad in my opinion from what you've said.

 

I hate to see your sperm donor bring another child into his dysfunction....

 

And I am sorry you had to be raised by them. I know you can rise above and that you know their marriage IS NOT a healthy normal relationship.

[MuscleCarFan]

I think you should definitely tell that poor girl so that she knows what is going on. I feel sorry for her and your future little brother/sister.

[Ska]

I don't want to see him pull the rug out from under this girl, like I know he will. I dated a girl whose daughter had a dead beat dad and I never understood how someone could do that.

 

I think one reason I feel this way is I always wanted to be the one who saved my mom. I wanted the credit for being the one who got her away from him, but I lost hope for that on my 15th birthday, also known as "the day someone stood up to dad". I wonder if I'm trying to help my mom but shifting the focus on someone that still has a chance.

 

I feel bad another child is about to get involved in all this, I wish I could change it for them.

[MuscleCarFan]

I don't want to see him pull the rug out from under this girl, like I know he will. I dated a girl whose daughter had a dead beat dad and I never understood how someone could do that.

 

I think one reason I feel this way is I always wanted to be the one who saved my mom. I wanted the credit for being the one who got her away from him, but I lost hope for that on my 15th birthday, also known as "the day someone stood up to dad". I wonder if I'm trying to help my mom but shifting the focus on someone that still has a chance.

 

I feel bad another child is about to get involved in all this, I wish I could change it for them.

 

What happened when you stood up to your Dad?

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't want to see him pull the rug out from under this girl, like I know he will. I dated a girl whose daughter had a dead beat dad and I never understood how someone could do that.

 

I think one reason I feel this way is I always wanted to be the one who saved my mom. I wanted the credit for being the one who got her away from him, but I lost hope for that on my 15th birthday, also known as "the day someone stood up to dad". I wonder if I'm trying to help my mom but shifting the focus on someone that still has a chance.

 

I feel bad another child is about to get involved in all this, I wish I could change it for them.

 

Lemme guess, Mom jumped in and defended him?

 

I know that story. I gave upon getting my mom out years ago.

 

Tell the girl. But duck after. Narcissists don't like to have their superhero **** disturbed.

 

I'm guessing you and "Dad" don't talk too much.

[USMCHokie]

I don't really frequent these particular sub-forums much, but can this thread actually be real...?

[dreamingoftigers]

It's past the edge, yes.

 

BUT my Dad is a total f-up narcissist, my mother a total codependent who let me get quite abused as a child (and did some abusing herself).

 

A lot of the elements feel like "home" to me, and my father was pretty arrogant like this one.

 

When my dad was caught in his affair he bitched at my mother saying. "well I sure don't feel the love now, (mom's name)."

 

Plus he went on quite the rampage for weeks.

 

He's an idiot. She followshim down the idiot path because she doesn't know where all of the other paths go. They've been intertwined for over 30 years. If you had the unfortunate experience of going to lunch with them, you could ask him a question and she jumps in and responds to all of the emotional parts. "your father is a little tired lately."

 

He answers for her, it's bizarre. And not cutely romantic.

[Ska]

I got a punch in the face and six kicks to the stomach. As soon as I could get up I ran away. I got away for three days until my mom's friend saw me walking down the street and called her and told her where I was.

 

One of the of the scariest experiences I've ever had was my dad pulling up to me slowly and telling me to get in. He bought me something to eat and took me home. That was really the end of my hope for her to leave.

[Radu]

Why didn't you go to the police ?

 

Tbh, i'm starting to see your sibling's POV, and lose sympathy for your mom.

[TG1]

If your dad got his mistress pregnant, then I would say you have every right to tell your mother especially if she doesn't know the truth about what your father has done but if your mother knows and she is putting up with this, then she should definitely leave your father because she is losing whatever self-respect she has left by continuing to stay in this marriage. But I am sure you want your parents together, what child doesn't want that?

 

But you have every right to hate your father's mistress but at the same time your father's mistress is pregnant with your half-sibling

 

And you shouldn't hate your half-sibling, you should love them and embrace them, it is not their fault that they will be born into this world, the blame lies squarely on your father's shoulders and his alone but his mistress also played a part too in that, so you should hate your father and his mistress but not your half-sibling

[Ska]

Why didn't you go to the police ?

 

Tbh, i'm starting to see your sibling's POV, and lose sympathy for your mom.

 

Because at the time I thought it would cause more harm than good, and that no one would believe me. Hindsight is always 20/20.

 

My siblings and I all sympathize with our mother, they don't sympathize with the other girl like I do. Or at least haven't said so. If anything I care the least about my mom.

[TG1]

Because at the time I thought it would cause more harm than good, and that no one would believe me. Hindsight is always 20/20.

 

My siblings and I all sympathize with our mother, they don't sympathize with the other girl like I do. Or at least haven't said so. If anything I care the least about my mom.

 

Yes and if you do sympathize with your mother and with your father's mistress, then you have that right to do so, if anything your father is the one who should have the least sympathy if any at all, what your father did was destructive and not to mention he single-handedly has ruined your family but still the saving grace is that you have an unborn half-sibling, either a little half-brother or a little half-sister who I know that once he or she is born, you will fall in love with him or her

[turnera]

I think one reason I feel this way is I always wanted to be the one who saved my mom. I wanted the credit for being the one who got her away from him, but I lost hope for that on my 15th birthday, also known as "the day someone stood up to dad". I wonder if I'm trying to help my mom but shifting the focus on someone that still has a chance.

Tell his girlfriend the truth; and drive your mom to a women's shelter so they can talk to her about the truth SHE has to deal with. She's been beaten down mentally and physically for so long that it's unlikely she'll ever leave him, but how can you face yourself if you just give up?

[turnera]

If anything I care the least about my mom.

Then there is something wrong with you. Shame on you.

[TG1]

Tell his girlfriend the truth; and drive your mom to a women's shelter so they can talk to her about the truth SHE has to deal with. She's been beaten down mentally and physically for so long that it's unlikely she'll ever leave him, but how can you face yourself if you just give up?

 

Yes you should take your mom to the shelter and your mom is going to have to face the truth sooner or later and if she doesn't and she decides to still be with your father, then it's her choice to do so, but you should come down on your father by telling him that if he doesn't change or if he doesn't get help, then you should cut him out of your life completely but you should be there for your unborn baby half-brother or unborn baby half-sister because they are your sibling and they didn't ask to be here, they didn't ask to be born but they are here

[dreamingoftigers]

Then there is something wrong with you. Shame on you.

 

It's hard to keep caring about a parent who is complicit in the other parent's idiot-bullsh*t. I had truly hoped my mother would finally leave my father when his affair came forward but instead she took it out on me.

 

Just like when I stood up to my father and left, she tried to get me to come home. Because it "depressed" her. The fact that he tried to kill me by strangulation and that he told me he was going to "rip my head off and piss down my dead skull" didn't depress her, the fact that I left after "depressed" her.

 

After OP's father hit him repeatedly etc, Mom clearly didn't care enough to stop exposing her children to the madman. It's damn hard to care when your "parent" won't leave in such overwhelmingly obvious crap. You almost HAVE to stop caring or it kindof consumes you. You also can't save someone drowning by tossing them a lifeline if they refuse to take it. It leaves the only other option of jumping in the water with them and hoping that they don't fight you and drown you too.

 

My mother's situation has not improved much. She only gies outside of the house with my father and he does not allow anyone over to see her. She still refuses to see the light and thinks that she can "talk to him" about it.

 

I have a four -bedroom place here. Both her and my sister could stay here if they needed. (my sister is autistic, I don't expect her to understand the ins and outs of the situation). They won't. Most likely ever. There's an open door but she refuses even to acknowledge it. Even while my father has rented a two-bedroom condo for $1000 a month which he "doesn't really use but don't talk about it." he's so disgusting.

[TG1]

It's hard to keep caring about a parent who is complicit in the other parent's idiot-bullsh*t. I had truly hoped my mother would finally leave my father when his affair came forward but instead she took it out on me.

 

Just like when I stood up to my father and left, she tried to get me to come home. Because it "depressed" her. The fact that he tried to kill me by strangulation and that he told me he was going to "rip my head off and piss down my dead skull" didn't depress her, the fact that I left after "depressed" her.

 

After OP's father hit him repeatedly etc, Mom clearly didn't care enough to stop exposing her children to the madman. It's damn hard to care when your "parent" won't leave in such overwhelmingly obvious crap. You almost HAVE to stop caring or it kindof consumes you. You also can't save someone drowning by tossing them a lifeline if they refuse to take it. It leaves the only other option of jumping in the water with them and hoping that they don't fight you and drown you too.

 

My mother's situation has not improved much. She only gies outside of the house with my father and he does not allow anyone over to see her. She still refuses to see the light and thinks that she can "talk to him" about it.

 

I have a four -bedroom place here. Both her and my sister could stay here if they needed. (my sister is autistic, I don't expect her to understand the ins and outs of the situation). They won't. Most likely ever. There's an open door but she refuses even to acknowledge it. Even while my father has rented a two-bedroom condo for $1000 a month which he "doesn't really use but don't talk about it." he's so disgusting.

 

But with that said though, do you hate your unborn sibling, the one your father's mistress is pregnant with?