Dad got his affair partner pregnant Now what

[turnera]

You can explain to her that being around them is too painful and that, as much as you love her, you have to distance yourself. She'll understand.

[Ladydrib]

Sorry I meant to say that out of the three kids (myself, my brother, and my sister) I'm the one of the least sympathy towards her. She's had chance after chance to leave. She's been punched, slapped, called every name in the book and other things, told that no other person will put up with her, kicked, cheated on a few times, strangled, spit on, and continues to stay.

 

There's only so much a guy can take, at least I think so.

 

Ska,

 

I totally disagree with the person who said shame on you. You did not ask to be born. You are not responsible for fixing dysfunctional parents. You are caught in the middle and unfortunately could be emotionally damaged for the rest of your life.

 

Continue to be aware of your own behavior. Continue to get counseling. And get out of this toxic family. It's sad to think of leaving your family. I'm sure you love them equally as much as you suffer from them. But you can't fix them. You can only fix yourself. And if they are not fixing themselves, you are hurting yourself to stay and subject yourself to the toxicity. Love shouldn't come with this kind of pain. Move as far away as possible. Stop worrying about any of them. Build a strong friend network. Focus on your career and hobbies. If you like pets, rescue one or two. And hopefully meet a wonderful woman that you can one day have a normal and happy family with. And stop talking to these people.

[turnera]

So you know, I cut my dad and his wife (and her family) out of my life because his wife tried to get me to divorce my husband. Maybe I should have (another story), but it wasn't her place to decide it. So I had to cut them both out of my life. Sometimes you have to do hard things.

[bluegreen]

This boy just is either unwilling or unable to "cut them both off" and rest of us are bashing our heads on walls trying to get him to see the reason until he decides to do this himself no matter what we say nothing will change this thread has few hundred of pages has anyone seen that ?

 

I hate to sound mean and my heart actually really hurts for both of them but if neither is willing to change anything then this will go on until end of time I just hope its more case of is not able to then not willing to cause that will mean even far away he is just as messed up as that poor woman and he needs even more help professional help than her.

 

How about we do what we preach him to do

QUIT ENABLING see what happens then

[Ska]

My dad text me today "we need to talk, just about the car, the apartment (which by the way, I know auntie's paying for) and school. Mom is out of bounds, I don't need to have a conversation with you about it. She chooses me anyway." what a slap in the face...

 

I'm actually Eligible for a lot of scholarships, grants are a little difficult because they take my dad's income into consideration... Hopefully I can do this...

[pink_sugar]

My dad text me today "we need to talk, just about the car, the apartment (which by the way, I know auntie's paying for) and school. Mom is out of bounds, I don't need to have a conversation with you about it. She chooses me anyway." what a slap in the face...

 

I'm actually Eligible for a lot of scholarships, grants are a little difficult because they take my dad's income into consideration... Hopefully I can do this...

 

Unfortunately this is true. I think you have to be 24 or over or meet the list of exclusions to not have to furnish parental info.I would still try and do everything you can to be financially independent of him, even if it means taking a job and spending a little longer in school. You can do it. Change your phone number if you have to...be rid of that man! I would even consider a restraining order if I had a father like that.

[turnera]

ska, you've almost made it all the way through, you're past your bachelors, everything else is gravy.

 

If I were you I'd just go for the scholarships and fill the rest with loans, just to not be beholden to him any more.

 

If you must meet him, agree ONLY to meet him at a public restaurant.

[Ska]

I'm thinking about pulling out... Then maybe taking the LSAT for law school, if that doesn't go well I'm just going to find a job somewhere.

 

He meant talking on the phone, I think, not in person.

[turnera]

Just remember that he is evil, and he has NO reason to meet you or talk to you except to get a bigger dig in at you.

 

You say that you are just like him, looks, mannerisms. Don't think he doesn't know that. Abusers like him HATE other people who might come out better than them or come on strong when he is waning in looks and job future and strength. He hates you for being better looking, stronger, smarter, less f'd up.

 

Don't go expecting him to care about you. Expect him to try to trick you or hurt you.

[NoMagicBullet]

Ska, my advice at this time is to don't do anything you don't have to do, in both cases.

 

1) School -- Don't leave if you don't have to. It is more difficult to go back later. Also, the economy still really sucks in many places as far as jobs go, so I wouldn't recommend leaving school unless you already have a full-time job that you can't schedule classes around. Apply for scholarships, talk to your financial aid office (I know sometimes they aren't very helpful, but still), and see if you can get a part-time job or something you can work around your classes.

 

Also, unless you have a burning desire to be a lawyer, going to law school means a lot of student loan debt and just as much difficulty in the job market afterward. But that's another topic....

 

2) Your dad -- Do you really have to talk to him about those things? The only reason I would say talk to him is if you think he would come after you in person if you didn't. Protect yourself first. It sounds like he's looking for another opportunity to mentally and emotionally manipulate you, beat you down, and put you in your place (under his boot heel, from his perspective). You don't need that crap.

 

If your aunt is paying your rent, then it's no longer a concern of his, unless he co-signed on the lease or something like that. Find a way to get away from him financially with regard to school. It sounds like he's looking to control you with money in that regard. If getting away from his control is your reason for dropping school at this time, then it's understandable -- but please look into your other options before you do.

 

The car... I know he slashed your tires, but does he have some sort of financial interest in it? I may have missed it if you mentioned it before.

 

I know this is difficult in so many ways, but I think it's in your best interested to avoid both your parents from this point on, and keep them out of your life as much as possible. I know you love your mom, but she's a package deal with your dad, and she's proven herself to lie and manipulate things for his benefit all these years. Again, protect yourself, and limit contact with both of them to only what is absolutely necessary.

[LuckyLady13]

Hi Ska. I'm so sorry to hear about your whole family situation here. It reminds me a lot of my own. Women can do exactly the same thing as men. And men aren't immune to doing what your mother is doing. I haven't seen my dad in a few years now and I know how it feels to get cut off from the parent who is abused. Watching that parent stand up for the abuser, try to please that person, cover up for them and keep hoping and dreaming all the time that the person abusing them will love them if they just do this or that right.

 

I really feel for you. Let me say this, though. After a few years of staying well away from my parents (I had to), I've realized some things (besides what PEACE is).

 

Abused or not, a parent has eyeballs! They can see the hurt being brought down on their own kids by their horrible, abusive relationship. If that parent continues down that road...they are in turn being equally as responsible for the abuse their kid goes through.

 

Your mother has subjected you to a lifetime of abuse and there is NO EXCUSE for that. Do you understand, Ska? No excuse.

 

You feel bad for your mom and bad for your mom, bad for your yet-to-be-born sibling but who in the world is caring for you? Somebody has to and right now that's you.

 

You have to see the truth for what it is here. Your mom, sweet as she may be, has had a hand in you being abused by your father and even if she's afraid of him or has low self-esteem or is suffering Stockholm syndrome or whatever, she's still your mother and until you realize she wasn't putting you above her "love" for your father, you're not going to see her clearly and set appropriate boundaries that you need to be there to protect yourself from further abuse.

 

I did the same thing you're doing. Remember, my situation is reversed. I saw my dad with the same rose colored glasses you're seeing your mom with. He was so beat down mentally by my mother he had no self-esteem left and was a shell of a man who put up with insane amounts of abuse. I kept seeing him as a victim, victim, victim who didn't know what was going on because he was so mentally beat down.

 

You know what I eventually realized? He's a grown man and a parent!

 

My father is a grown adult and so am I. If he's going to stay with my mother, so be it because that's his decision. But I stopped allowing myself to be subjected to her abuse and I stopped seeing my dad as that poor little victim. If my father couldn't stand up for me when he wasn't going to stand up for himself, something's wrong with him that has nothing to do with abuse from my mother. He's a selfish parent no matter how you slice it or dice it.

 

Your mother never showed you what setting appropriate, healthy, safe boundaries looks like. That's when therapy comes in real handy. To have someone outside the situation explain to you what is okay and what isn't.

 

Moving on with your life and getting away from your mom for a while (creating a good bit of distance from her would be healthy so you can get your head straight) and staying well away from your father would do you so much good.

 

Maybe I see things differently because in all reality here, my dad is twice the size of my mother and I realize no matter what she's said or done, he doesn't have to take a shred of abuse from her for a minute but he does anyway. Your mother could get on her feet, walk out and stop this madness but doesn't. She's getting something out of it. I'm sorry to say that.

 

I'm sorry really...to point out that your mom isn't so innocent because you're already dealing with your dad as it is. Last thing I want to do is throw something else on the pile for you there. But the sooner you realize who these two really are as people, the sooner you will be able to live a much healthier life.

 

You don't want to repeat anything like this in your own future relationship, do you?

 

Ask any mother of children (young or grown) what happens when someone harms their children or even tries. There is no force on this earth that can stop a mother bear from protecting her children!

 

I gave my father the excuse for a long time that he's a man and didn't get away from my mother and protect his kids from her because he doesn't have a mother bear instinct and mentality but really? What a sorry excuse. I should have never even thought of him that way.

 

In my first relationships, I was abused. I didn't know what was normal and what was abuse since I was so used to what I grew up with. You know what? I learned. But I learned more being away from both of my parents and spending time with normal people!

 

Your mother should never ask you to sit down and have dinner with the guy who abused you. I like the way someone called him a sperm donor. And I think that's almost giving your dad too much credit! Your mother shouldn't ask you to ever try to please or appease your father.

 

My father used to do this stuff to me. He'd beg me to have dinner over their house because that's what my mother wanted. He was more interested in pleasing her than protecting his own kid from further abuse.

 

And it's not normal to sit down and hang out, have dinner or even a cup of coffee with the guy who's been doing to you what your father has done, okay?

[Ska]

Now his affair partner won't answer my texts or calls. I've called three times and text maybe ten. What the ***? I did this to help her, it sure as hell hasn't done me any favors... I just need to stop helping these stupid women.

[CC12]

Now his affair partner won't answer my texts or calls. I've called three times and text maybe ten. What the ***? I did this to help her, it sure as hell hasn't done me any favors... I just need to stop helping these stupid women.

 

You did a nice thing by telling her what was up, but she doesn't owe you anything. Three phone calls and ten texts? That's pretty inappropriate, Ska. Leave her alone.

[turnera]

Now his affair partner won't answer my texts or calls. I've called three times and text maybe ten. What the ***? I did this to help her, it sure as hell hasn't done me any favors... I just need to stop helping these stupid women.

Ska, do you remember me telling you that you were being inappropriate getting close to her? That you were doing it for YOUR benefit and, to her, you were a stranger?

 

Now you are a stalker. And you need to be seeing a therapist to deal with the abuse and disappointment.

 

Stop it.

Edited September 26, 2012 by turnera

[Ska]

I am in therapy...

[Ska]

Last night I was up reading a book I got about dealing with abusive parents and watching a movie. There was a knock at my door, I opened it and it was my mom. She was crying and asked if she could sleep here, I told her of course. She tried to sleep on the couch, I told her no she was going to sleep in my bed after I put new stuff on it. She cried for probably an hour before she feel asleep I slept on my couch.

 

I made her breakfast, she looked afraid to touch it... I felt so bad, she ate it all though. She told me she would've got a hotel but she forgot her purse, I think she came here for protection to tell the truth. Thats ok, I'm happy she knows I'm here to keep her safe.

 

I got in the shower, when I got out she was reading the book. I highlight things that remind me of him, me, her, and his behavior... She looked up and said "Daddy doesn't mean any of the things he does. I wish you could see it, he loves me." I didn't respond. Then she left.

 

I don't know if this is good because she's getting away, or if it's bad... I hope maybe it's her realizing she deserves better, I hope so. I love her more than anyone in the world.

 

On a positive note I'm eligible for tons of scholarships, and quite a few grants that are more than enough.

 

I'm also getting interested in helping abuse victims. No woman should ever think they deserve to be hurt by a man or that there's an excuse for it.

[pink_sugar]

Good for you Ska. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been. Do you know why she suddenly came to you like that? She defends him, but she had to have come to you for a reason.

[turnera]

ska, I just can't tell you how proud I am of you. You continue to become more and more of a grown man, and one with integrity.

 

She sees you growing up and showing that integrity, and it gives her hope. You have to understand that when an abused woman has kids to raise, she kind of gives up hoping for anything for herself. It's like she turns off. She doesn't count.

 

When you guys are grown, she's a little bit freer to kind of stop being the buffer, or being invisible. Doesn't mean she's able to leave him, but at least see things a little more realistically.

 

If she continues to see you standing up to your dad, it may give her hope. Be prepared for her to come again. Maybe even frequently. As she tests the waters to see if she can stand up to him without getting murdered, she may gain more faith in herself.

 

IIWY, I would slip her some pamphlets on women's shelters, on abuse, on life after leaving an abuser, to let her see that other women DO escape.

 

Keep it up, ska, you're a great son.

[Ska]

Thanks, I've been trying to be better. I don't deserve the Son of the Year award by any means, but I want her to be happy. I want her to be able to say what she wants without having to worry about getting hit, I want her be able to eat without worrying about getting "fat and disgusting" (which like I've said she never has been over weight, now she looks like she's 98 pounds) I just want her to do what she wants, without anyone's input.

 

I want to be a better son than I have been being for the last year. She's been a wonderful mom and I feel like I've done a piss poor job at being a son. It's been helpful talking to all you ladies about this. Thank you for countinuing to offer me your support. I appreciate it.

[turnera]

My H's mom packed up the other kids and showed up at my H's door, now that he was out from under the dad. Be prepared for that. May not happen, but it may.

[Ska]

She's still getting beat... But she did come over again, her face was swollen up bad. She asked me to please not call the cops, she wasn't crying, her voice was just very solem. All she wanted was an ice pack, a place to lay down, and wanted to know if I had soft food. I didn't, but my buddy brought over some jello for jello shots so I made it for her (coincidentally it was her favorite kind)

 

 

I got her to open up about the first time he hit her, I read somewhere it might help. It was so sad, I could still see the little 16 year old girl whose boyfriend told her she was stupid and beat the f*ck out of her. She told me she's never told anyone else, and she still has nightmares about it.

[pink_sugar]

Good for you, Ska. Keep working on her if she's willing to open up. Maybe there is something you can do for her after all.

[Ska]

She started sobbing uncontrollably. So we went and laid on my bed and I just held her and told her she was ok. (that actually sounds creepy now that I think it over) I just couldn't do enough to help.

[turnera]

ska, you did TONS to help her. Think about it. You're the only person she's shared her most shameful moment with. Yes, she is ashamed that she let it happen and still stayed with him. She's ashamed she didn't protect you guys. She's ashamed she never left him. Her whole life is shame.

 

And your place is turning out to be the one place she can be herself. You're the only person she can sob uncontrollably around. She can HURT in front of you. That is IMMENSE.

[Ska]

ska, you did TONS to help her. Think about it. You're the only person she's shared her most shameful moment with. Yes, she is ashamed that she let it happen and still stayed with him. She's ashamed she didn't protect you guys. She's ashamed she never left him. Her whole life is shame.

 

And your place is turning out to be the one place she can be herself. You're the only person she can sob uncontrollably around. She can HURT in front of you. That is IMMENSE.

 

I guess that's a good thing. I just want her to be happy, well as happy as she can be with him. Or if she has to sleep here, which probably sucks...

 

Is it weird that I laid with her? it did seem to calm her down though.

Edited October 10, 2012 by Ska