Has anyone's instincts been wrong when it comes to cheating?

[Al]

I know that people always say to trust your instincts and that there are "tell tale" signs of someone who is cheating. But has anyone ever suspected their significant other of cheating only to be wrong?

 

I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I'm just an overly paranoid person or not. I have not caught my boyfriend cheating or anything like that but sometimes things happen that make me wonder and now I'm completely paranoid. He has never given me any reason to think that he wasn't interested in me anymore, he says he loves me and that if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be but sometimes I just can't shake the feeling that something isn't right. I know that my insecurities and accusations are getting to be quite the nuisance and I know that people hate to be accused of something they didn't do so how can I help calm my nerves since I really have no proof that he has cheated on me.

[famthera]

So what are the things that happen to make you wonder?

 

Personally, I have never been wrong when that feeling has come about. I know it is hard to be logical though when your gut is screaming something at ya.

[StartingAgain]

but sometimes I just can't shake the feeling that something isn't right

 

You're rather vague about why you suspect your man could be cheating on you. Cheaters often suddenly change their behavior. For example, they may suddenly want more sex. SOmetimes they seem to turn off to you sexually. They may become argumentative. They may blow things out of proportion. They may suddenly take something you say and demand to know why you don't trust them. They may not show up when they are supposed to and can't give a plausible accounting for themselves. They suddenly can't be reached at work or on their cell phone. etc. etc. etc.

 

Why don't you try to figure out what that "something that isn't right" is before you start worrying about cheating.

[Al]

Well the most recent incident was this: I bought and pay for my boyfriend's cell phone and the other night I was laying in bed and just could not fall asleep. This sounds stupid but I felt this strong need to look through his phone. Well I did and what do I find: I find a text message in his outbox to a number that says "where do you want me to be!" and one in his inbox stating "in my bed!" I didn't recognize the number and it wasn't programed into his phone so I dialed it and got one of his ex-girlfriend's voice mail. I asked him what it was all about and he said that there was an original message asking where he was (that wasn't in his phone when I looked) and that since only me, my friends and his text message him, he automatically responded to it. He said that when he got the response "in my bed" he realized he didn't know who the number belonged to so he called it and when he realized it was her number, he told her that he didn't know why she was bothering him and told her to leave him alone. Fine right? Well this happened on a night at 2:00 in the morning and he said that he was out with the guys that night but didn't come home until 5:30. I know I should trust him but it's hard. For the first year of our relationship, I had someone emailing me stating he cheated on me and that he has a kid with this person (whom I've never been able to track), then I had another exgirlfriend telling me they went to parties together, again something I've never been able to prove. So do I give him the benefit of the doubt on all this? Or keep snooping?

[StartingAgain]

And he's a pretty lame liar to boot. BUT You had no business looking through his phone messages. Just becaue you paid for the phone doesn't mean that his phone messages are his private messages are for you to look at without his permission.

 

Once, I came home from work to find my wife madder than a hornet. Seems she had logged onto my computer account "by mistake" to look something up on the web. She said she opened what she thought was her history (yeah, right) to fetch a URL and found one to a porn site. She asked me about it and I told her the truth. A friend of mine had sent me the link with a "man, you gotta see this bizzare s***". So I took a look. But now here I was being acuse of being a porn-freak, probably having an affair, and all sorts of weird stuff. I told her that she had always had my password and could check up on me anythine she wanted. If I were guilty of all the things I was being accused of, would I give her my password and net clean up after myself? I told her I was angry with her for snooping on me, since I'd never done anything to deserve that. She said I was trying to change the subject.

 

Anyway, you did wrong, but now you know.

[stewwy]

well, I dont know if I agree with starting over. If your gut says something and there is a way to either put your mind at ease or confirm, then I say do it. that includes emails, journals, anything. if your mind is put at ease, then let it go and never say anything. however, if your worst fears are confirmed then you have hardcore evidence that cannot be disarmed. follow your gut and be your own investigator to find the truth.

[StartingAgain]

No one ever has the right to invade someone else's privacy, stewwy. That in itself is a violation of trust. If you are that distrustful of your mate, then you shouldn't be with him/her.

[sally1530]

I snooped and discovered the truth that he was cheating....so in my case it worked out in my benefit.... he gave me too many red flags and my gut told me I need to find out what was going on because he wasnt going to tell me. If the man is being dishonest and the gal has the right to find out if its going to effect her life and health.....

[Al]

I know that you say looking in his phone is wrong. But if something is going on, I want to know. Plus I had that phone line added to my plan, I bought the phone and I pay the bills so technically I look at it as he is borrowing my second phone. But I have all this information that doesn't add up and he always has reasons for everything and says that if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be with me. I just don't know what to think anymore. But if he is cheating we are definitely over, but then again if he isn't cheating, my accusing him or asking him about things ALL THE TIME isn't going to make for a long lasting relationship either.

[donna351]

Last year I was sitting at my computer, his mother sent me a pic that was possibly my husband. He was in Iraq. I was fine that day... never suspected him of anything it was 4th of July. It was weird.. I looked at the pic and bam all these feelings came through.. like you need to look at his e-mail, he is hideing something..ok I said to myself No I'm not doing that.. those feelings didn't go away.. My first marriage my husband cheated and I knew each time he did I would get those gut feelings in the pit of my stomach with a pain, well I had been divorced from him for like 10 years and now re-married, I hadn't felt that feeling for 10 years. I sat there and it became intense.. Ok I said screw it and broke his password... got in there and they were e-mails to other girls and some were a couple of weeks after we married and up to he was deployed to Iraq. Things like I saw your pic and I think your fine, I would like to talk to you, his age, name, where he was stationed.. and several other girl's. And after he e-mailed them he e-mailed me saying I love you. He was a member of several dating sites. and one site to meet someone for sex, that was on our credit card bill. Trust your instincts... look into them. I have never ever been wrong and now I have more gut instincts and he makes me feel like it's me, not him.

[moodyblues]

One backdoor way of finding out whether he has a kid or not is to look up court records. Wherever he supposedly had the kid at, go on your search engine and type "city court" and see if they have Records online. If not, you can call the Clerk there and see if there is a form to request records and then using your boyfriend's name and birth date you should be able to find something, especially if you have the "mother's" name. Look for paternity and child support. In all technicalities, court records are public records and you wouldn't be snooping through his personal possessions.

 

Coming home at 5:30? Are you in a 24hr town or at least do the bars close at 3am or after?

[Al]

He goes have a child with an exgirlfriend and then one day out of the blue, I start getting messages via email from an untraceable address (I even had an investigator look into it) stating that he cheated on me and that she was pregnant with his second child. These emails went on for over a year with this girl never providing proof, etc. and he says that if I knew about his one child, if he had two, why wouldn't he tell me. Plus if this girl wanted him in her life so bad, you would think that tests or child support or something would have been done.

 

As for the second part, no we don't live in a 24 hour town. We actually live in a small town and the bars close at 2:30. But his friends are the type that still like house parties and after bar parties. On the plus side, he always comes home no matter what hour of the morning it happens to be.

 

My friends all think something isn't right but yet when I guestion him, he looks me straight in the eye and everything. Isn't someone lying if they can't meet your eyes or look away?

[moodyblues]

Actually, someone can look you in the eyes. There is a way to see though and it depends on if they look up or down or left or right. I don't remember the exact direction, but I am sure that you can find that on the computer too. Basically, since certain parts of our brains control certain functions (like visual or story-telling) our eyes go in a certain direction when we access that part of our brain.

 

Do you ever go out with him and his friends?

[Olivia_19742004]

Isn't someone lying if they can't meet your eyes or look away?

 

My husband has looked me straight in the eye numerous times and lied! Some people are just better at lying than others. Especially if they have something to lose that they don't want to let go of. How did he respond when you told him you had looked at his phone? Was he defensive? Did he get angry with you for doubting him? What is he like when he comes home late? Does he want to have sex? Have you tried initiating it when he gets home?

[sally1530]

when I caught my husband to be online looking for sex and email 3 different gals I printed out one of his emails and asked him first are you cheating on me, he said no , are you emailing girls, he said no , then I gave him the email and the looked at it for a few seconds , stunned, riped it up and threw it on the ground, and crossed his arms in defense mode... he was guilty and caught! Couldnt lie himself out of that one! Busted!

[Al]

To answer some of the questions that were asked: I rarely go out with him and his friends. His group of friends, well in my opinion, they aren't anything to be proud of but most of these guys he's grown up with but I can't pick his friends nor would I want to and I know I have girl friends that he doesn't care for either.

 

As for the way he is when he gets home...tired! Wouldn't you be if you were out until 5:00 in the morning?!

 

When I confront him of these things, well lately he's been defensive only b/c I think I ask him to confirm his feelings 24/7. You see, when we first started dating he spent every waking moment with me and then he realized that he was losing touch with this friends. So now he's been spending more and more time with them and that means more late nights out that I wasn't used to before. I don't know if that's why these things bother me so much or what.

 

We still have sex although not as much as we used too but that happened way before I found text messages or anything like that. He's been working a lot lately, I work two jobs and go to school now so the time isn't there like it used to be. As far as initiating it when he comes home after late nights, usually he initiates it anytime so I've never tried. Plus I have a hard time sleeping not knowing when he's coming home b/c I'm always worried that something bad is going to happen to him so by the time 5:00 rolls around I'm just happy he's home safe and want to sleep.

 

He always says that he isn't lying when he tells me the explanations for the things I find. He always says he's never felt like this with anyone before and that he woudln't be with me if he didn't want to be. We live together and the questions he asks me when I ask him about these things is why would he live with me, be with me, whatever if he was cheating. If I was accusing him of something he did, why wouldn't he just leave. Why would he stay with me if he wasn't happy and wanted someone else. These questions I don't know how to answer since I know that people cheat in relationships. Sometimes things just don't add up and it just seems so convenient that I find these text messages on a night that he was out until 5:00 "with the boys."

[Al]

Oh and my friends think I'm insane for this but I feel like I have no solid proof. Sure some things don't always add up but I feel like if I don't have solid proof I can't walk away. I'm afraid that if I leave, I may find out in the long run that I was wrong and if that's the case, I did really lose a good guy. Yet my accusations my in turn cause him to cheat if he isn't right? And if we stay together, how do we come to terms with our trust issues? My mind is just spinning!

[Johnny16]

Probably within a month after me and Ashely began dating. I sorta ditched her at her friends house....left there....went home talked to girl online.....went to her house.....and accidently fell asleep there. No, nothing happend. And yes I told her about this. She was obviously pissed at me of course and I assured her nothing happend and she trusted what I was telling her. But one night. She was talking to me on phone and shes like "Im bored so im going to call someone to hang out".

 

So who does she call?

 

Her ex-boyfriend.

 

Yea yea, paybacks a bitch. But this girl whos house I went to ive known her for about 7 years and were almost brother/sister.... and she knows that.

 

 

They ended up going to a park alone, a park that me and her ONLY went to so it we kinda say its our park because we like hanging out together there. I started calling my friends and her best friend for their opinions because I really didnt trust her that early in the relationship because she has cheated on a boyfriend before. So ya, she went to a park that we always went to...alone with her X at night....and the park is pretty much secluded.....so my mind just went off.....Really thought she did something with him and all but if she did she would tell her best friend. And she didnt know me and her best friend talked so she had nothing to hide from her.

 

It turns out they just talked about us...like mine and ashleys relationship and all. But to this day im sorta iffy on that subject because I really dont trust that kid she was wit.

 

Were over that payback, dishonest crap.

[Johnny16]

And plus it didnt help when her BEST FRIEND and my friends were like, yea she defiintly did something with him...then we were going to go jump the kid at his house. But I was on probation at the time.

[Caramel]

Originally posted by StartingAgain

No one ever has the right to invade someone else's privacy, stewwy. That in itself is a violation of trust. If you are that distrustful of your mate, then you shouldn't be with him/her.

 

I strongly disagree with 'startingagain'. I feel that if you are in a relationship, there should be no need to check up on your mate. There should be no secrets. At the same time, if she purchased the phone, she has every right to search through it.

 

As far as your gut feeling, go with that. A woman's intuition is a very powerful thing. Even if he is not currently cheating, the possibility is lurking somewhere and my guess is that it's in his mind. Someone is probably propositioning him and he may have considered it. If I were you, I wouldn't worry myself sick about it. What's done in the dark will ALWAYS come to light. If you love this man, you be the best you can be and remind him that he loves you. If he cheats, he doesn't deserve you and you cross that bridge when you get to it.

[StartingAgain]

You couldn't possibly be more wrong, caramel. You never have the right to violate someone's privacy. You may be in a relationship with them, but YOU DO NOT OWN THEM. If you don't trust them, you don't trust them. I agree that generally a couple should not keep secrets from one another, though there are some things you should never tell your mate. For example, if you have a dalliance or a full-blown affair and end it before your mate discover it, you take that secrete to your grave. You don't cause your mate the unspeakable pain s/he will endure when they learn of the affair just to assuage your guilt. That's the price you have to pay for cheating.

 

Cheaters will almost always trip themselve up sooner or later. And there are a number of ways to confirm your suspicions without doing dishonest things like rummaging through cell phone calls, his wallet, and hacking into his email account (which is a felony offense).

[sally1530]

its not a offense if he said it out loud to you twice the day before.... and knows that you know the password... plus it was my right to know if hes cheating on me before marriage...I mean its my body too... I dont want to catch aids or an STD, this effects my future with him and my health... he has no right to keep something like that a secret if he intends on marrying me in a month... gezzz come one... really!

[StartingAgain]

Sally, if you mistrust you man so much that you feel the need to spy on him, you should not be marrying him in one month, since there is something fundamentally wrong with your relationship and you marriage is doomed to failure.

 

What is wrong with everyone anymore? Nobody trusts one another and based on the postings on this site and cheating seems to be almost acceptable. Have you women had so many men cheat on you that you've become jaded?

[Butterfly_Queen]

People will say its wrong to violate someones privacy, but well lets see then, is it not already a violation of the relationship if someone has done something they shouldn't, such as cheat etc? If she felt something wasn't right so what if she checked. She needed to find out whats going on to ease her curiosity.

 

As far as the lying thing goes, yes people can look you right in the face and lie. There are ways to tell for sure though. I read in book something about their pupils will dialate or something like that. Looking down or up or to the side thats another one.

 

Most of the time when someone feels something is wrong, its only human nature to want to check things out to see for sure. So in my opinon you were not in the wrong for checking. Best of luck.

 

 

_________________________

 

When in doubt, check it out!

[sally1530]

Thanks I didnt think he was cheating...I went in to look at the bachlor party invitation.... and found he was cheating... I regret doing it... biggest mistake of my life and the best all at once... its hard to know how to feel about it now. But he would have never know I went in to look at the invitation, because it wasnt there in the first place , only 3 emails from 3 different gals... that was it... it really hurt.