My mom is dying and I'm not ready for it

[whichwayisup]

Hi, I had four kidney stone procedures myself since Oct 2011. Three were unsuccessful lithotripsies and one a stent implantation. I still have the stones in both kidneys and there has been no change except to poke the one that was making me bleed heavily into urine back into the kidney where it has been sitting. Thanks for your post and kind thoughts. I'm learning a lot the hard way about kidney stones though.

 

Can I ask why you just don't have surgery to have them taken out instead of having lithotripies?

Or were they too far up in your kidney to remove them?

[whichwayisup]

Excellent news all you lovely people whom have been my support through this tough time. After a transfusion my mother has rebounded and seems to be out of the woods for now. She's on a lot of meds that will stand in the way of any surgery to try to fix the hiatal hernia or the kidney stone so there's a chance still that she could have an attack and have the same inability to breathe--but it's been a couple of days now that the respirator has been removed and she had the feeding tube removed last night. So, I think she's going to be OK for a while and this will change things to get me and my 7 younger sibs and their kids more prepared to face that the rock of my family--my mom--will die sometime sooner than we've been ready for. It's an emotional thing to say in type or words. But anyway, it comes for us all and I appreciate every one of you for your support. Love Jim.

 

This is such great news! I'm sure everybody will have a much (and well needed) better sleep tonight.

[TaraMaiden]

This is excellent to know.

And yes, you're absolutely right to consider this time a gift, that you and your family can use to prepare yourselves for the inevitable. I wish you all well, and strength, and love and togetherness.

 

It's good to know you all have more precious time together.

[cerridwen]

Hugs, Frisky.

Hugs and much love!

[denise_xo]

Excellent news all you lovely people whom have been my support through this tough time. After a transfusion my mother has rebounded and seems to be out of the woods for now. She's on a lot of meds that will stand in the way of any surgery to try to fix the hiatal hernia or the kidney stone so there's a chance still that she could have an attack and have the same inability to breathe--but it's been a couple of days now that the respirator has been removed and she had the feeding tube removed last night. So, I think she's going to be OK for a while and this will change things to get me and my 7 younger sibs and their kids more prepared to face that the rock of my family--my mom--will die sometime sooner than we've been ready for. It's an emotional thing to say in type or words. But anyway, it comes for us all and I appreciate every one of you for your support. Love Jim.

 

That's great, so glad to hear!

[Feelin Frisky]

Can I ask why you just don't have surgery to have them taken out instead of having lithotripies?

Or were they too far up in your kidney to remove them?

 

Invasive surgery on a kidney is something to be avoided if at all possible. I understand that there is another procedure that is semi-invasive but it still sounds drastic and problematic where you have a tube and a plug of some kind that goes into the kidney. Since the doctor poked the one that was cutting me and making me pass blood (and test as "anemic") back up into the kidney I haven't had any real pain. That was the left side one. The right side one is painful on and off but I've never had any of the kinds of painful attacks that other stone sufferers describe, so I'm just living with it for now. I ran up a lot of bills last year and am a little concerned about adding more at the moment.

[Coffee20]

I am very very happy to hear that !! Finally something positive.

[spiderowl]

Very sorry to hear what you are all going through, Frisky. Sometimes the worst thing is feeling as if you should have or should be doing something when you have no choice, just have to accept that sometimes we have no control.

 

I have heard that people in comas can sometimes hear and understand. Perhaps you could talk to your mum and say the things you want to say. I'm sure it would mean a lot to her.

 

Sorry, I realise now that you've updated us. I hope your mum is doing well. xx

Edited July 31, 2012 by spiderowl

[UpDownAllAround]

So very glad to hear your mom is doing so much better FF. Wishing your family the absolute best in everything in the days to come.

[mercy]

What wonderful news!

 

Time is a gift, such a precious gift.

 

Much joy and happiness I'm wishing (praying ) for you and your mum.

[Feelin Frisky]

Just a thank you note to all again who have been so nice and supportive. My mother has been transferred to a rehab hospital but it still unwell. It's a coin toss as to whether she'll be able to get on her feet again and regain some self-sufficiency. I had thought she'd be well and vibrant into her 80s but the Grim Reaper seems to have other plans. I'm adjusting to the truth in bits daily. Thanks for your well wishes and prayers LSers. You're some wonderful people.

[amaysngrace]

I'm glad to hear the update FF. Rehab is good news...much much better than hospice.

 

They are the grim reapers of the medical field.

 

XO

[Leigh 87]

Frisky,

 

I am SO sorry to hear about your mother. It is just terrible:(

 

I have not been on this website for a while, and I only just saw your post just then!

 

I just wanted to send love your good energy your way.

 

I hope it all work out for the best!

[crazylove]

Me too Frisky, I've only just read your post and my best wishes are with your Mum, you and your family at this tough time. Hope your mum continues to make good progress:)

[BetheButterfly]

I thought I'd have some warning, some chance to square things with her but she's on a respirator and can't communicate. It's so frustrating. Her brain is fine, her heart good. But her lungs aren't cooperating and I wish I could do something. It was my birthday this past Wednesday and I got a call from my sister saying my mom got nauseous and went to the emergency room. Turns out she had a kidney stone attack. But the retching with pain caused her hiatal hernia to rupture and her stomach to invade her chest cavity partly collapsing a lung. She could not come out of anesthesia which was given for stent implantation and has been on the breathing tube since. Terrible thing that. When people who have that inside them come to consciousness their impulse is to gag and reach to pull it out. But if they pull it out, they die.

 

I'm the eldest of her children and feel like our whole family life is about to change in a harsh way I'm no way ready for. I don't know where this leads--how long does this go on? How do they get this tube out? Can they operate and repair her innards if she's already compromised? Any medical people here or persons who have had the breathing tube drama around them who might venture some advice?

 

I'm sorry about your Mom. I very much hope she gets all better and enjoys more time with you and your siblings.

 

It is wonderful your love for her. It makes me sad for the emotional pain you are experiencing while she is feeling physical and emotional pain, and also touched by your love for the lady who gave birth to you, who loves and cares for you.

 

Could you tell us a little bit more about her? Her character? What she likes?

That would be awesome to learn more about your Mom!

 

Pain and death are not fun things, but I very much hope that she has more time to enjoy with you. Death sometimes does not give a warning first, and it's so good to treasure the moments we have with our loved ones. Wish I could give you a hug and am hoping she heals!!! Besos y bendiciones

[TaraMaiden]

Just a thank you note to all again who have been so nice and supportive. My mother has been transferred to a rehab hospital but it still unwell. It's a coin toss as to whether she'll be able to get on her feet again and regain some self-sufficiency. I had thought she'd be well and vibrant into her 80s but the Grim Reaper seems to have other plans. I'm adjusting to the truth in bits daily. Thanks for your well wishes and prayers LSers. You're some wonderful people.

 

Talk to her, and never miss the opportunity of telling her you love her. any past problems, iron them out, this is no time for restraint and awkwardness.

 

I sat by my father all night, as he slowly slipped away. It was one of the saddest things I have ever been through - yet one of the most serene. It felt right, it felt timely, and everything that had needed to be said, was said.

 

the downside is that my elderly 80-year-old mother, misses him terribly.

He was the one and only man to ever be in her life - she has only ever known him as a partner, companion, lover, best friend and spouse. For over 60 years.

 

those hardest hit are those who need to carry on coping.

 

Be good to yourself, and prepare, now.

Accept this WILL happen - and appreciate how wonderful, vibrant, transitory and preciously fragile, life is.

[Lostinlife4now]

FF.....

 

Thinking of you today! Praying for you and your Mom!

 

Your Mom is one lucky lady to have such a wonderful son like you!

 

Bring her flowers, favorite foods, anything she wants.

 

And remember to take care of yourself also. You can't do anything for her or your siblings if you are not up to par!

 

Hugs to you......

 

Blessings..

[IfiKnewThen]

my thoughts and prayers are with you. praise God for whatever progress there is/has been. good she is at the rehab stage of it at least. sounds like you guys have been through so much. so sorry for all your mom and family have been going through. hugs and God bless you guys especially during this time. keep hanging in there.

[HeavenOrHell]

Only just saw this, how awful But great to hear she is improving now.

 

I dread losing my mum, she'll be 80 this year, never an easy thing to face is it.

 

All the best to you and your family.

[Feelin Frisky]

...

 

Could you tell us a little bit more about her? Her character? What she likes?

That would be awesome to learn more about your Mom!

 

..

 

Thanks for asking. She's a retired motel manager who worked a busy motel on Sunrise Highway on Long Island for 25 years. She's the eldest of her family of seven siblings and I'm the eldest of her brood of eight. She was just your archetypal Irish Catholic girl--extremely moral and prudish but in a likable sort of humorous way--not an authoritarian at all. She went "born-again" in the 80's when one of my sisters married an aspiring minister who got her into the more musical kind of church thing. Religion has always been a wedge between us and even today she doesn't really believe that I'm the atheist I am. I think I've done a pretty good job of educating her politically however--except for her next in line in age brother who is a crusading Democrat like me, all of her other sibs are Fox-watching dolts. Sorry folks. But mom can go to church and listen to all the other right-wing ladies bemoan President Obama and co-sign Fox "News" lies while silently keeping aghast at how narrow-minded and wrong they are. Unfortunately mom has a Pat Robertson addiction and that makes me wonder how anyone can play both sides of the fence.

 

Anyway, she's a rock of dependability that has produced eight adults with no police records. That's pretty good coming from where we did in Brooklyn. The great news is that today she sat up for the first time since 7/17 and made it to her feet for a moment. Yesterday I wasn't sure if she could ever get up again, so I was very happy to learn of this. Thanks again for all the good wishes everyone.

[Lostinlife4now]

FF

 

 

You described your Mother PERFECTLY! I feel as if I would love to have met your mom. She sounds wonderful...So happy for you and your siblings!

 

And she is doing better! YEAH!!!!!!!

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks for asking. She's a retired motel manager who worked a busy motel on Sunrise Highway on Long Island for 25 years. She's the eldest of her family of seven siblings and I'm the eldest of her brood of eight. She was just your archetypal Irish Catholic girl--extremely moral and prudish but in a likable sort of humorous way--not an authoritarian at all. She went "born-again" in the 80's when one of my sisters married an aspiring minister who got her into the more musical kind of church thing. Religion has always been a wedge between us and even today she doesn't really believe that I'm the atheist I am. I think I've done a pretty good job of educating her politically however--except for her next in line in age brother who is a crusading Democrat like me, all of her other sibs are Fox-watching dolts. Sorry folks. But mom can go to church and listen to all the other right-wing ladies bemoan President Obama and co-sign Fox "News" lies while silently keeping aghast at how narrow-minded and wrong they are. Unfortunately mom has a Pat Robertson addiction and that makes me wonder how anyone can play both sides of the fence.

 

Anyway, she's a rock of dependability that has produced eight adults with no police records. That's pretty good coming from where we did in Brooklyn. The great news is that today she sat up for the first time since 7/17 and made it to her feet for a moment. Yesterday I wasn't sure if she could ever get up again, so I was very happy to learn of this. Thanks again for all the good wishes everyone.

 

 

God bless any woman who can raise 8 children and manage to stay out of a mental institution or jail. Two make me want to rip my hair out. Glad to hear she is improving.

[NoMagicBullet]

Just a thank you note to all again who have been so nice and supportive. My mother has been transferred to a rehab hospital but it still unwell. It's a coin toss as to whether she'll be able to get on her feet again and regain some self-sufficiency. I had thought she'd be well and vibrant into her 80s but the Grim Reaper seems to have other plans. I'm adjusting to the truth in bits daily. Thanks for your well wishes and prayers LSers. You're some wonderful people.

 

So glad to hear that she improved enough to be transferred to rehab. I hope it's a good place with good staff.

 

My 80-something grandmother had a mild stroke this past winter; she went to a rehab facility after the hospital and did really well. She has trouble getting around (needs a walker), but she did before before the stroke anyway. On the whole, she probably came out of rehab better than she was before the stroke. Now she's back at her home, and a lady comes twice a week to help her out with various things. It's been an adjustment for her in a number of ways, but it's better than we all could have hoped for, I think.

 

Anyway, I know it's different than what your mom is going through, but success stories do happen in rehab. I hope your mom does well in her recovery.

[BetheButterfly]

Thanks for asking. She's a retired motel manager who worked a busy motel on Sunrise Highway on Long Island for 25 years.

 

Wow! She has an amazing work ethic!!!

She's the eldest of her family of seven siblings and I'm the eldest of her brood of eight.

Cool! Huge families are a minority nowadays! I'm the eldest of 4 (all girls) and I thought I was from a big family lol.

 

She was just your archetypal Irish Catholic girl--extremely moral and prudish but in a likable sort of humorous way--not an authoritarian at all. She went "born-again" in the 80's when one of my sisters married an aspiring minister who got her into the more musical kind of church thing.

My ancestors include the Irish and Scottish.. I don't know very much about them though...

 

About being "born-again", I am one so I think that's cool, but I understand that you are not all that thrilled about it. However, I very much respect that you love and care for your Mom anyways, even though you don't agree with all her decisions in life.

 

Religion has always been a wedge between us and even today she doesn't really believe that I'm the atheist I am.

I am sorry it's a wedge. Again, I really respect you for loving her in spite of the differences in your worldviews.

 

I think I've done a pretty good job of educating her politically however--except for her next in line in age brother who is a crusading Democrat like me, all of her other sibs are Fox-watching dolts. Sorry folks. But mom can go to church and listen to all the other right-wing ladies bemoan President Obama and co-sign Fox "News" lies while silently keeping aghast at how narrow-minded and wrong they are. Unfortunately mom has a Pat Robertson addiction and that makes me wonder how anyone can play both sides of the fence.

Although very happy with the upward advancements into science, technology, and civil rights (much of which were began by Christians including scientists such as Robert Boyle, Christian inventors such as the Wright brothers, and civil right leaders such as Martin Luther King Jr.) many elderly people also have seen much a downward spiral of morals they knew and cherished. I think that's why many tend to cling to Fox News and some even listen to Pat Robertson, which sadly feeds their fears instead of helping anything, in my opinion.

 

Anyway, she's a rock of dependability that has produced eight adults with no police records. That's pretty good coming from where we did in Brooklyn.

Wow She (and her kids) are awesome!!!

 

The great news is that today she sat up for the first time since 7/17 and made it to her feet for a moment. Yesterday I wasn't sure if she could ever get up again, so I was very happy to learn of this. Thanks again for all the good wishes everyone.

That's awesome!!! Great news!!! Thanks for sharing

 

Sending more good wishes your way and prayers to God asking if He wills, to heal her and give her more years with her family, as well as wisdom to the wonderful medical staff who are taking care of her!