WEIGHTLOSS is causing friendship to fail

[Happygirl]

I need your help! I have been good friends to a neighbor for the past four years. My neighbor/friend is 2 years older than me. We went to the same high school but never really knew each other being she was older.

 

Five years ago she and her husband moved across the street from us. When I say across, I mean we can see everything they do in their front yard and they can see us. We both had daughters the same year and are actually 3 days apart. We have been very close friends since then and do almost everything together including our families.

 

Our girls are friends too. Last year I had another baby. I have usually weighed about 10-15 lbs. more than my friend. THen after my last baby we decided as friends to loose weight together. We took up running and over the year we have both lost a lot of weight. Now, in the past few months I have been getting vibes from her and she just doesn't seem herself. She will make comments about me loosing weight and trying to outdo her. Our friendship is starting to take a turn and I feel as if we are competing against each other about weight. We weigh the same now and it's always the topic.

 

Now about 2 weeks ago our girls have become involved and they hardly play together anymore. My friend invites the other neighbors over to play with their son and now the little girl plays with them leaving my daughter out. What do you think I should do? THe kids don't want to play with my daughter and are sometimes mean and make her cry. This never used to be.

 

My friend has also came up to me and asked me why I don't call her to work out anymore. I then started to call her to work out and every time I do she turns me down and says that she is going to go later or that she's already went. Now I don't call anymore to work out because I'm sick of being rejected.

 

Our families were close and now I feel everytime I go outside I can't even talk with them. It's a simple conversation and not what it used to be. I just don't want to loose our friendship but if she is not trying why should I. We even went for a long walk and talked about how we could get past this and I've called her since and she doesn't go out of her way to call back. She is very jealous and competitive. Do you think I should just go back to a regular "neighbor" friendship?

 

Thanks!

[DerangedAngel]

If her jealousy of your weight loss is the real reason she is acting this way, then I say yes. Go back to a regular friendly neighbor relationship.

 

There is no reason for her family to make yours feel unwelcome, or unimportant, because you've lost a few pounds.

 

How old is your daughter now? Will she be able to cope with losing what I assume was a really good friend?

 

Are you sure nothing else is bothering her? It seems like such a silly thing to get upset over. Maybe you and your family are better off without their friendship.

 

Good luck to you.

 

-Deranged

[Mr Spock]

I have no use for petty people, and you shouldn't either. If she is feeling bad about herself, that's no reason to drag you down. Keep up with your regimine!! Work even HARDER than you have been. The best revenge is looking good. Distance yourself from her. Be polite, but cool. People who act like that aren't used to people not wanting to keep the friendship alive-in her mind you've done something wrong (outdoing her) and should be kissing her butt-that is NOT the case. Don't you dare. You've done nothing wrong.

[CurlyIam]

I say get over this stupid little girl fight!

 

BAke a delicious cake and hop on at her place unexpectedly with your little girl. If she refuses your cake, the kids sure won't!

 

Tell her you feel ackward about all the situation and with you being neighbours and all, you could at least keep things civil. It will make you feel a lot better and maybe it will change things for your little girl.

 

 

I don't think she ever was your friend. You just have common hobbies... Friends love and care for eachother. So move on, no that you know how much she values you.

 

Good luck,

 

Curly

[CascadiaLady]

Originally posted by Happygirl

She will make comments about me loosing weight and trying to outdo her. Our friendship is starting to take a turn and I feel as if we are competing against each other about weight. We weigh the same now and it's always the topic.

 

 

Our families were close and now I feel everytime I go outside I can't even talk with them. It's a simple conversation and not what it used to be. I just don't want to loose our friendship but if she is not trying why should I. We even went for a long walk and talked about how we could get past this and I've called her since and she doesn't go out of her way to call back. She is very jealous and competitive. Do you think I should just go back to a regular "neighbor" friendship?

 

Thanks!

It sounds to me like she's stuck in a groove re: the weight thing. Why should it be a competition? At any rate, it is her problem not yours. I would say her lack of response is showing volumes as to how much she values your friendship. The bottom line is that it takes two to keep a friendship going and if she won't pull her "weight" (pun intended) then I'd say put your energies elsewhere. I hate to say it, but you may just have to let her go and begin to make friends elsewhere, and help your daughter to do the same. If she does come back, welcome her with open arms, but don't allow her manipulative, jealous and competitive nature set the pace. You don't need the aggravation.

[miz_barby]

I wouldn't "stoop" to try and "make up" with her! You didn't do anything wrong! I say just talk to her, ask her why she's still being this way and if she can't act civil have NOTHING to do with her!

 

As for your children, again you need to tell her to knock it off and stop putting the children against each other, it's obviously HER petty jealousy and the kids do NOT need to be involved!

 

Good idea about the cake but she would probably accuse this woman of trying to "make her get fatter" it would probably be conceived as an insult instead of a token of friendship, with friends like these you don't need enemies that's for sure! Friends should be mature and happy for one another and reconize the fact that something good happened to someone they claim to be friends with is a great thing and hope their friend will be just as happy when something good happens to them!

[CurlyIam]

I'm sure that the moment she'll tell her to knock it off and stop putting the children against each other, it's obviously HER petty jealousy and the kids do NOT need to be involved! the neighbour will do just that !!!

 

 

Leaving the feminine envy aside, in my pov it's about:

 

A. keeping things civil with someone with whom they're always due to interract

B. not making her kid suffer from it!

 

IT's not about sucking up a$$es here, it's about being intelligent and diplomate. Being a lady. Acting like a 16 years old little highschool won't do that!

[Happygirl]

Thank you for all of your reply's. They have helped. To the person who told me to take a "cake" over to my friend/neighbor...well, I actually did that when my son turned one and she totally got mad at me for bringing it over. She said I was trying to make her "fat". But she was saying it in a joking matter...not really. I told her that the kids could eat it. It was the start of our friendship turning.

 

As far as becoming friends again....I'm not sure what is going to happen. I usually talked with her everday and now it's been almost 3 days and we see each other here and there and just wave or say "hey". That's about it. My mind is starting to play games on me. I feel myself wanting to confront her again or just ask her "what's going on". But then I find myself saying "why". She hasn't called me and never walks over to my house. I do feel like I'm in high school again!!

I do have other friends but most of them live in another town. I don't have any real close friends in my home town besides my husband.

 

Thanks to the reply who told me to "work out even harder" I am!! :-) ha ha ha.... Thanks! We both go to CURVES and if any of you have been there they weigh you and measure you on a monthly basis. Well...they then post your inches lost and weight loss on this star. My neighbor is always looking at mine. How do I know you ask? Because she will comment on the pounds I loose. One time she was upset because she wasn't loosing anything but working out just as hard. Then the last time we talked she told me that I tried loosing weight because I saw that she did on her star the month before. I told her "I'm not competing against you." If anything my neighbor is my reason to keep going. I didn't want this to become a competition...I just wanted to finally look good in clothes. Why can't we just be happy for each other????

 

Oh, one more thing. My husband and I were out walking with our 4 year old daughter and 1 year old son the other night. Our neighbor's were doing some landscaping in the front yard. I wouldn't have went over there but my daughter starting yelling across for their daughter to play. So, we slowly wondered over and carried on a casual conversation. It was weird. You would think it was the first time we have talked in years. My neighbor/friend made conversation with me. I found myself having trouble looking her in the eye. I would make eye contact with her here and there but not like before. She would go on asking what we were doing for the weekend and then telling me that "girl friends" called and wanted them to go here and there and that so and so was coming over to play with the kids. I felt like "oh, are you saying this to try and make me jealous?" Then she goes "Oh, I'm doing something corageous (sp?) this weekend." I go "what" she goes, "I'm running in a marathon 2 miles." We both run and that's why we are in the outs, anyway I go "Oh, yeah someone asked me to do that too but I said no." and I left it at that. I heard that she won it in the age group of her's. Should I go out of my way to congratulate her???? Then as we were talking again her mother in law was standing there and told her she was too skinny and she goes "oh, I ate bad this whole week at work." "I ate at the DQ (ice cream place) every time I worked." It was like she was sending me a sabliminal message that she was "eating bad". This is why I have no time. Why can't she just have a normal conversation with me. Why is it always weight with her.

 

Thanks!

[CascadiaLady]

Argh! I hate that when a person is fixated like that...esp on weight. I worked in a TV station for many years where the reporters were obsessed with their weight. Mind you, most of them were 100 lbs soaking wet, and I was the "BBW" of the lot easily at 169 lbs (I'm considerably larger now...and happier!) One got the impression that you had to continually talk weight and diets in order to fit in with this particular clique...and I simply wasn't interested. In fact, I'd walk in with a hot fudge sundae for myself and they'd stare daggars at me as if to say 'how DARE you eat that in my presence." what-ever...

 

At any rate, I got so sick of them going on and on about how many fat grams are in this food, or in that food or whatever. One day one of them was going on about a single small chocolate chip cooky. I finally marched over and said "You have one of two choices, either eat the "f*cking cookie" or give it to me. You people make me sick...when you consider that in many places in the world women aren't getting enough to eat...you go on and on about being thin. It's sickening!" and then I walked out the room. After that, no one talked weight in my presence.

 

Mind you, I'm not saying to curse at her (I've since mellowed LOL) but be straight with her about your feeling about being stuck with weight talk...and that you would prefer to discuss other more interesting things. If she won't go with it, then go out and find other friends. Why not join some clubs or make more arrangement to meet with the friends in the other town?

 

To tell you the truth, I would speculate as to whether she may have an eating disorder...it sounds like she may be anorexic/bulemic or well on her way to it.