does no contact work if you both have attachment disorders?

[ballycastle]

Hi need some advice. does no contact work if your ex is avoidant and you have an anxious attachment disorder?

 

In brief, was with my ex for almost 2 years. we were close but after a few months he began to grow distant . In arguments he would always leave, was always sensitive to criticism. in the end i just avoided expressing my needs as he could not handle them. he also never told me he loved me and i learnt to live with it. Being anxious, this was hard, as we need validation.

 

it was a shock when he suddenly ended it saying he couldn't be in a relationship any more. this was 4 months ago and i am still devastated. I did a month NC and we got back in contact. After a few weeks of what i thought was us getting back together, he said he liked my company but again couldn't be in a relationship (classic avoidant behaviour is they are unable to be intimate). he has been single for many years before because he has hurt people before by leaving them.

 

I am 3 weeks into NC again. He has contacted me twice but I have ignored his messages.

 

My question is, does NC work where both parties are hurting due to their attachment issues? i believe he misses me too but is scared. He won't attend therapy. I have just finished 10 weeks of therapy for depression and attachment issues but have finished it as it made me feel worse. I get more comfort from these types of forums than speaking to someone who i don't think fully understands the pain of being dumped by someone who has these types of issues (rather than cheating/falling out of love with you/growing apart/long distance etc)

 

i miss him every second of every day. i am trying to move on with my life, so would love some advice. thanks

[sao2]

I have been down the road you are on and sometimes I wonder if I should have gotten therapy. Luckily I found a good friend who happens to have been a therapist and actually does understand the issues you mention. She has told me that many therapists don't.

 

In my case, I think I wish I would have gotten therapy. It would have saved me a lot of time in building the excuses I made for my ex. I ended up with this extravagant fantasy for her that I was more powerfully attached to than I could have ever been to her.

 

Don't fall into the trap of making too many excuses for him. If he loved you then at the very least he could have met you halfway on your needs.

[CopingGal]

I've never heard of anxious attachment disorder...but it's that's anything like being codependent, it can be extremely difficult to stay away from someone in a break up. I believe I'm co-dependent and I'm telling you I thought I was going to die. But I did it. I stayed away from him. It's been about 8 months of NC, that I broke, but only to tell him to stop harassing me or tell him off. I stopped doing that too and now I've been straight NC for over 3 months.

 

It's hard, but it was the ONLY choice I had to keep my sanity. He no longer harasses me, so I hopefully I can be NC forever.

[ballycastle]

thanks for your replies. I guess the attachment disorder does have that element of codependency (well it does if you are at least anxious preoccupied which I am). I had to give up therapy as my therapist didn't grasp what the issues were at hand, or at least give me advice on what to do or how to deal. There doesn't seem to be many therapists that specialise in love addiction or attachment disorders in my area. Every day gets worse, not better. I still cry 4 months on and miss him. He was my best friend. LS has been my saving grace.

 

I think, yes he would need to meet my needs half way but i do not think he is emotionally able or aware do this. It has been me researching what was wrong with the both of us, me who went into therapy, me who is trying to make sense of the loss. Him, he just carries on. I love him with all my heart, but guess I will have to continue with the NC and try to move on that way. He is 'avoidant' so has had many years to equip himself with moving on/shielding himself from trauma. As for me, i can see me switching from anxious to avoidant so I never get hurt again. This has been the worst break up of my life, and at my age, cannot ever put myself through this amount of pain again. It is not worth it. I would rather die sad and lonely than risk being abandoned again.

 

thanks for reading.

[KansasChica]

OP, I definitely understand what you are going through and honestly, I don't have the answers. I'm avoidant/anxious and my ex is avoidant so we had a tough time in the relationship. There was a lot of push/pull on both of our accounts. From the book I read on attachment theories, relationships between avoidants and anxious are extremely difficulty if not impossible. Avoidants are afraid of intimacy and want give you the reassurance that anxious people need. I was definitely clingy and he never stated how he was really feeling throughout the relationship. Or he would tell me what I wanted to hear to avoid conflict. He then resented me and his built up anger and frustration exploded like a volcano (right before he broke up with me).

 

We've now been broken up for close to 8 months. We went NC for about the first six months. I tried to reach out to him a couple times and he was still hurt and angry (even though he dumped me). He also avoided me and cut me out of his life. I know he was hurting. He didn't really date anyone else. We are now in some contact. He admitted to missing me and even still loving me, but still doesn't want to get back together with me. But he didn't want to go back there (to our relationship and its potential conflict). He didn't want to deal with his issues and prefers to stay in his safety bubble.

 

I know it hurts, because I still hurt daily. I've been in therapy and my ex hasn't. He won't be able to change until he does get help and that won't happen until he wants to change. Hang in there!

[CopingGal]

thanks for your replies. I guess the attachment disorder does have that element of codependency (well it does if you are at least anxious preoccupied which I am). I had to give up therapy as my therapist didn't grasp what the issues were at hand, or at least give me advice on what to do or how to deal. There doesn't seem to be many therapists that specialise in love addiction or attachment disorders in my area. Every day gets worse, not better. I still cry 4 months on and miss him. He was my best friend. LS has been my saving grace.

 

I think, yes he would need to meet my needs half way but i do not think he is emotionally able or aware do this. It has been me researching what was wrong with the both of us, me who went into therapy, me who is trying to make sense of the loss. Him, he just carries on. I love him with all my heart, but guess I will have to continue with the NC and try to move on that way. He is 'avoidant' so has had many years to equip himself with moving on/shielding himself from trauma. As for me, i can see me switching from anxious to avoidant so I never get hurt again. This has been the worst break up of my life, and at my age, cannot ever put myself through this amount of pain again. It is not worth it. I would rather die sad and lonely than risk being abandoned again.

 

thanks for reading.

 

Until you can find a good therapist, I suggest you get some books on the subject. Books can be a wonderful help.

[lemonlime]

You need to work on your personal issues, and stay away from him as long as he is unwilling to do the same. Reconciliations can work out... but only when both people have worked on and are committed to not making the same mistakes again.

 

You deserve someone that is going to either not treat you like that, or be willing to look at who they are and what they realistically need to change, and show you that they are actually doing it.

[ballycastle]

thank you all for your supportive posts. i am working on my personal issues through therapy, a lot of reading, and using these forums. I know I have a way to go, but my ex, unfortunately will not go to therapy, so I cannot help him.

 

I haven't managed to find a therapist that really specialises in attachment disorders. I have been to 2 so far, the second one said she did specialise in attachments but after 8 or so weeks, I found myself knowing more about it than she did, because I was so obsessed with overcoming the pain of the relationship. I am not saying i am unique but people with anxious attachment issues are finely tuned so i sensed that she will continue to take my money, listen but not help. I may look into this again.

 

my ex contacted me again this week but i have continued to ignore him, however hard it is as i want to believe he can get better alone. but i know he cannot. No contact has been a struggle, anxious types constantly need validation so not being able to get it from an avoidant is painful. I know he loves me in his own way but lacks the capacity to show it.

 

i am truly scared to embark on relationships again, defeatist i know, but the hurt from being abandoned by avoidants relives childhood issues, i know i wouldn't survive the rejection from another again.

 

thanks again.

[lemonlime]

I think the very best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Work on making yourself healthy, and the best you you can possibly be. Dont worry about a relationship. I know for you thats going to be particularly difficult, since you get some validation from it. Learn to stand alone. Be happy being yourself. Dont look for a relationship. When the right person comes along, and you feel like your ready, itll just happen.

 

What I personally did when I was trying to work through some things, and after I got divorced, was decide I wasnt going to get involved with anyone for a year. 11 months later a great guy came into my life. I did have to deal with some stuff that came up. Some things you can prepare for outside of a relationship, but can only really deal with once your in one and dealing with some of those feelings coming up. But like I said, he was a great guy... and I had told him up front what some of the issues were, and he was very supportive and understanding.

[ballycastle]

I think the very best thing you can do is take care of yourself. Work on making yourself healthy, and the best you you can possibly be. Dont worry about a relationship. I know for you thats going to be particularly difficult, since you get some validation from it. Learn to stand alone. Be happy being yourself. Dont look for a relationship. When the right person comes along, and you feel like your ready, itll just happen.

 

What I personally did when I was trying to work through some things, and after I got divorced, was decide I wasnt going to get involved with anyone for a year. 11 months later a great guy came into my life. I did have to deal with some stuff that came up. Some things you can prepare for outside of a relationship, but can only really deal with once your in one and dealing with some of those feelings coming up. But like I said, he was a great guy... and I had told him up front what some of the issues were, and he was very supportive and understanding.

 

 

Thank you Lemonlime. The thing is I was doing all the things you suggest before we met. i am an older single parent and have always been independant. i have my own life so could stand alone. i have always lived my life not dependant on anyone. When he came into my life he was so supportive of me which is why it is such a shock that he has turned around and abandoned me when he knew i had abandonment and trust issues. He also chased me for many months. I know he has his issues but how do you trust again when everything from you has been taken? I have lost the ability to be intimate. This may change in time, but when it happened i felt a lightswitch turn off inside, as if my hope for ever meeting anyone who would respect and love me turn off (I am in my forties and have never had a successful relationship.) He was my last hope as we both understood each other. It seems to only be us who work on ourselves continually while those who continue to hurt us just carry on ruining other people's lives by never dealing.

 

Since finding out about attachment disorders this has changed my life. the book ATTACHED by Amir Levine showed my behaviours and it was a revelation. I am an anxious preoccupied but see myself becoming avoidant like my ex. I have always been an open, fun loving person, but see myself shutting down for the risk of being at deaths door again like i have with the ending of this relationship.

 

NC is the only way for me, but I miss him every second.

 

thanks so much for members taking time to support me.

[lemonlime]

I think you may need to just focus on your thought patterns. If you notice your obsessing over him, or any negative pattern of thinking, make a point to change the direction of your thoughts. I know, easier said then done. At first youll probably notice every 5 minutes and manage to change it for 10 seconds at a time, but over time it will keep decreasing.

 

Just try to have faith the right person will come along, and try to stay conscious of maintaining healthy boundaries with them. Two people with some of the issues you described could fall into a very unhealthy relationship pattern. Next time just try to be more aware of not allowing that to happen. And remember that you deserve better.

[sharon09]

I only found out yesterday that my dysfunctional relationship for 2.5 years was to do with attachment issues. My partner and I share the same type. I can relate to the pain of being with them, so you break up though there is pain of being without them. Nothing relieves the pain. Does anyone know of a couple who both had attachment issues that managed to work through it and have a better relationship?

[ballycastle]

without both parties going to therapy and recognising each others disorders you will not get any couples whose relationship turns out to be normal. from what i have read and experienced that these relationships will be impossible, difficult and destructive.

 

i have attempted no contact twice for a month and failed. I am on my third therapist to work on my attachment issues, but my ex still will not go to therapy. although we are close, he will not commit to me, but unlike many posters here, no contact destroyed me rather than healed me. Guess I am not strong enough.

 

all i know is to work on each day as it comes. Some days I feel fine,others totally wretched. i cannot see that changing for some time. It's a slow process.

 

what attachment disorder do you and your partner have?

[ballycastle]

It appears to me that I have switched from someone who is anxiously attached to completely avoidant. I have decided to never embark on intimate relationships because months of therapy have revealed that I have so many underlying issues that I actually could not bear the thought of going through the pain of rejection again. It would literally kill me. I read others who post with so much hope for their future. That used to be me. Unfortunately the pain of knowing I will be rejected again down the line is so much to bear that I have decided in my forties to remain a lonely spinster. It is sad because I am an intelligent attractive woman with so much to give someone but unfortunately i attract and am duped by the type of men who will abandon me.

 

I have tried NC twice with my ex, but he comes back. He tells me he doesn't want a relationship but contacts me like he does. When I challenge he gets angry with me. So I am left to accept the crumbs offered. I know a lot of you will say, find someone who will give you what you deserve. Here's my answer, this person DOES NOT exist! No one out there is secure and single. They are all taken! All we are left with are the avoidant/emotionally unavailables of this world. I have dated them. Can I trust another human being again. Absolutely not.

 

Really really sad. Wish everyone all the best in finding the one who loves them back like they deserve.

[CopingGal]

Sometimes it takes years to find a good therapist. You can research therapists and ask if they have any specialties related to what you are looking for. Or, even better, ask your friend for the confact info for that therapist that was so good. If you live in a different area, you can ask the therapist to recommend someone for you in your city.

 

I don't care about what is good for your ex. I care about what is good for you. Seriously, I tried to do things that were good for my ex when we broke up. He ended up treating me even worse. Your ex is none-of-your concern now. I know it sounds harse, but it's about survival. You have to go into survival mode and do what's best for you, especially with these issues you have.

 

Staying away from someone bad would be good for you and I think will help you with your issues. I think it will make you stronger. You can learn that you never again have to be in a relationship again with someone who doesn't treat you right.

Edited October 20, 2012 by CopingGal

[CopingGal]

thank you all for your supportive posts. i am working on my personal issues through therapy, a lot of reading, and using these forums. I know I have a way to go, but my ex, unfortunately will not go to therapy, so I cannot help him.

 

I haven't managed to find a therapist that really specialises in attachment disorders. I have been to 2 so far, the second one said she did specialise in attachments but after 8 or so weeks, I found myself knowing more about it than she did, because I was so obsessed with overcoming the pain of the relationship. I am not saying i am unique but people with anxious attachment issues are finely tuned so i sensed that she will continue to take my money, listen but not help. I may look into this again.

 

my ex contacted me again this week but i have continued to ignore him, however hard it is as i want to believe he can get better alone. but i know he cannot. No contact has been a struggle, anxious types constantly need validation so not being able to get it from an avoidant is painful. I know he loves me in his own way but lacks the capacity to show it.

 

i am truly scared to embark on relationships again, defeatist i know, but the hurt from being abandoned by avoidants relives childhood issues, i know i wouldn't survive the rejection from another again.

 

thanks again.

 

 

I suffer from GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and yes, I need validation, but after the horrible relationship I had with my ex, I learned to put more effort into validating myself. I dont do it is much as I should, but I'm much better with it now. Don't look to people who hurt you for validation. That is masichistic. Look for validation from people who treat you good and have your best interest at heart. But most of all, work on validating yourself.

[Million.to.1]

although we are close, he will not commit to me, but unlike many posters here, no contact destroyed me rather than healed me. Guess I am not strong enough.

 

 

It's not that you aren't strong enough. You need to allow it time. Give yourself a break. No contact doesn't heal you over night.

 

Step away from this relationship which serves you nothing. You will meet someone else who meet your needs in a compatible way.

 

If your ex doesn't want you, or help, then leave him to it.

[ballycastle]

Thanks for your responses. I read the NC links and my conclusion about NC is that the reason there are so many posts about it because it doesn't really work (for me) and a lot of others. We are all human. When our ex contacts us we respond from a position of love/missing them/desire/wanting them back. No one posts about how lonely life is on your own. It's all about MOVE ON, join a gym, get a hobby, forget them! Really? I can and did all of that before. Why will that help me get over an ex?

 

That's what I mean about not being strong enough to do NC. Because, forgive me for saying this, I still love my ex. He is a big part of my life. And yes, maybe I do deserve everything I get because I won't walk away. Maybe the cards dealt in this life is to feel heartbroken constantly. I don't have the strength to change that.

 

Guess I will never get peace in my head. It made me laugh about finding someone else. I don't have that type of life to meet secure, single men. I am a single mother. All my friends are hooked up. I don't go out much. The thought of going through even more potential heartache with another stranger to accept my foibles sickens me.

 

I have read someone posting that 5 years on they are still getting over their ex. I identify with that. I have been single for many many years because of past issues. Guess the same applies here. I am not looking for sympathy just to express that I do not believe I will move on from this, 5 or 10 years later. And I don't know how to clear that constant aching in my heart that I am not set up for healthy relationships.

 

Thanks for listening anyway, I know I have huge validation issues that will take many many year of curing with a therapist. Perhaps not. By that time I will be 50...too old to find the person out there in the same boat as me, who has dealt with their issues and wants to love me back.

 

Real sad.

[CopingGal]

 

We are all human. When our ex contacts us we respond from a position of love/missing them/desire/wanting them back. No one posts about how lonely life is on your own.

 

That's not true. It really isn't. People post all the time about feeling alone. They really do.

 

 

 

I read the NC links and my conclusion about NC is that the reason there are so many posts about it because it doesn't really work (for me) and a lot of others

 

NC does work. I'm telling you it does.

 

Thanks for listening anyway, I know I have huge validation issues that will take many many year of curing with a therapist. Perhaps not. By that time I will be 50...too old to find the person out there in the same boat as me, who has dealt with their issues and wants to love me back.

 

Real sad.

 

 

 

No dear, it's not sad. You are making it sad. By the way, 50 is the new 40. And guess what else? My friend found love at 55. She had been in a horrible marriage before.

 

NC works only if you are committed to standing the pain. And I'm telling your right now dear, if you are in a relationship with someone who disrespects you and treats you like crap and you don't go NC, get ready for a lifetime of being treated like crap.

 

Going NC made me feel disgusting. My skin crawled, like I was a drunk drying out. I was anxious, breathing hard, I felt like I was going to jump out of my freakin' skin. It was the most disgusting, nastiest feeling I ever had. But thank God I did it. Thank God. Because now I know that I don't have to have men in my life that treat me like trash. I dumped my bastard bf because I had a choice to make. It was either stay with someone who took away my self-esteem and treated me like I was a joke, or choose me. Baby, I chose me and I kicked that bastard out of my life. NC saved my friggin' life. Yep, co-dependent me, I walk away from that jackass and chose me.

 

Am I lonely? Yes

 

Do I cry? Yes

 

Do I miss dating and going places? Yes

 

But am I better off? Yes. My heart is in cleansing mode so that it will be one day ready for someone who actually is human...for someone who actually deserves me.

[ballycastle]

That's not true. It really isn't. People post all the time about feeling alone. They really do.

 

 

 

 

NC does work. I'm telling you it does.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Going NC made me feel disgusting. My skin crawled, like I was a drunk drying out. I was anxious, breathing hard, I felt like I was going to jump out of my freakin' skin. It was the most disgusting, nastiest feeling I ever had. But thank God I did it. Thank God. Because now I know that I don't have to have men in my life that treat me like trash. I dumped my bastard bf because I had a choice to make. It was either stay with someone who took away my self-esteem and treated me like I was a joke, or choose me. Baby, I chose me and I kicked that bastard out of my life. NC saved my friggin' life. Yep, co-dependent me, I walk away from that jackass and chose me.

 

 

But am I better off? Yes. My heart is in cleansing mode so that it will be one day ready for someone who actually is human...for someone who actually deserves me.

 

Coping Gal thanks for your message and kind words of support! I wanted to say that a lot of what you said does ring true but I wasn't treated like crap or disrespected by my ex. He is avoidant and I am anxious and with these attachment styles comes a lot of issues relating to the fear of intimacy. He did not end because he did not have feelings for me or cheating etc, although I have learnt this through researching his condition to understand it. I am anxious which means that subconsciously I push avoidants away through constant need to be validated because I do not feel I am worthy of being loved. I am in therapy to try to undo that and for that reason I do not feel I can be in a relationship with another human being until I unwire my rock bottom self worth and esteem. That's why I questioned whether NC was for me in the sense that it would have helped me move on but I guess we both have feelings for each other still and I have a better understanding as to why avoidants have commitment issues.

 

I understand when members say NC to move on, but probably at the moment I don't think I can. Awful to say I know, but we both have the fear of intimacy but still have feelings for each other it seems.

 

thanks everyone for their support

[CopingGal]

Coping Gal thanks for your message and kind words of support! I wanted to say that a lot of what you said does ring true but I wasn't treated like crap or disrespected by my ex. He is avoidant and I am anxious and with these attachment styles comes a lot of issues relating to the fear of intimacy. He did not end because he did not have feelings for me or cheating etc, although I have learnt this through researching his condition to understand it. I am anxious which means that subconsciously I push avoidants away through constant need to be validated because I do not feel I am worthy of being loved. I am in therapy to try to undo that and for that reason I do not feel I can be in a relationship with another human being until I unwire my rock bottom self worth and esteem. That's why I questioned whether NC was for me in the sense that it would have helped me move on but I guess we both have feelings for each other still and I have a better understanding as to why avoidants have commitment issues.

 

I understand when members say NC to move on, but probably at the moment I don't think I can. Awful to say I know, but we both have the fear of intimacy but still have feelings for each other it seems.

 

thanks everyone for their support

 

I'm glad you were not treated like crap. And yes, you have to choose what's right for you, whether people agree with you or not.

 

Take care of you.

[Sarahbee]

Hey Ballycastle. how are you doing? I read your posts with interest because I too was involved with an avoidant man, and I had to break up with him to protect myself as he just couldn't give me what I needed. Every time we would get close he would pull away, and it was doing my head in to the point where I felt I had no choice but to end it. Even though I loved being with him, there were times towards the end when I could feel him distancing himself (he took a job for a year in another country and didn't want us to break up, but being in an ldr with him would have completely destroyed me). He was badly heartbroken by his previous gf who he had intended to marry, and he had major trust issues. When I broke up with him he said that he still wasn't over the pain of her, which made me feel sad as he just wasn't ready for a relationship with me or anyone else.

 

But we can't let these people destroy us, or our faith and belief in love! It's not true that they're the only types out there roaming around hurting people. Sure, we all have baggage, but I believe that most people try to deal and learn throughout their lives. That's why we're on here, trying to understand ourselves and learn from each other. Don't get defeated, you're definitely not too old to find love, I'm older than you and I've found it twice in the last 3 years. Neither of them worked out as both had issues, and through both of those I've learned more about my own issues and am working through them. I've sure learned more about what I need to feel safe and secure in a relationship, and also what some of the red flags are in avoidant people. I don't want to attract another one, as they rob you of your confidence and leave you feeling anxious and worried most of the time. That's not a good basis for a healthy relationship! The hardest part is that they're not intentionally hurting us, and they're good people (at least my one was), but they simply can't let themselves be vulnerable or trust another person not to reject them. In my case it was a self fulfilling prophecy for him because that's exactly what I did. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done and I still miss him, but I know deep down that staying with him would have been harder than living without him.

 

Please don't give up hope or let this experience rob you of the possibliity of finding love. It's what makes our lives sparkle, don't lose sight of it, you will find it again!

[todreaminblue]

Thank you Lemonlime. The thing is I was doing all the things you suggest before we met. i am an older single parent and have always been independant. i have my own life so could stand alone. i have always lived my life not dependant on anyone. When he came into my life he was so supportive of me which is why it is such a shock that he has turned around and abandoned me when he knew i had abandonment and trust issues. He also chased me for many months. I know he has his issues but how do you trust again when everything from you has been taken? I have lost the ability to be intimate. This may change in time, but when it happened i felt a lightswitch turn off inside, as if my hope for ever meeting anyone who would respect and love me turn off (I am in my forties and have never had a successful relationship.) He was my last hope as we both understood each other. It seems to only be us who work on ourselves continually while those who continue to hurt us just carry on ruining other people's lives by never dealing.

 

Since finding out about attachment disorders this has changed my life. the book ATTACHED by Amir Levine showed my behaviours and it was a revelation. I am an anxious preoccupied but see myself becoming avoidant like my ex. I have always been an open, fun loving person, but see myself shutting down for the risk of being at deaths door again like i have with the ending of this relationship.

 

NC is the only way for me, but I miss him every second.

 

thanks so much for members taking time to support me.

 

 

I used to miss my ex my story is vary similar to yours i am probably a bit avoidant..... so i wont repeat mine because it so similar....these past five years are the only time i have been out of a relationship since my teens i needed that time alone to recoup and deal with things i failed to deal with while i was in a realtionship I have also had extensive therapy...both my relationships were with partners who were unfaithful and that exasperated my trust issues with men from a pretty traumatic past....but then i have had loving males in my life and my family so I draw on memories of those people i love who were and are in my life now........I dont miss my ex anymore......thought i wanted him back because like you he was the center of my life in there with my family my kids....

 

 

i relied on him too much i think to be a buffer for me and others....i have a mental illness......so I would let my ex deal with people who bothered me...i put up with a lot in that relationship though and i gave far more than i got....

 

 

this time.....i want something so simple....a loving relationship that is based on trust filled with understanding compassion kindness and respect in equal quantities and ill bring all i have to offer and give as good as i get......oh i forgot monogamous that should be first actually....smilin.....you will get on with your life the missing will fade and there is someone who is right for you you just havent met them yet....wait for the right one......and you wont be sorry.....best wishes....deb