I don't know how to go about this...

[ashy555]

Ok just to put it out there im 22, and have had the worst luck when it comes to men. I admit i've never been in love and im always ALWAYS the one that gets hurt.

 

So i have been friends with this guy Lucas for about a year now. At first when i met him he had a girlfriend and in early May he broke up with her after 10 months. I've always gotten on really well with him but i never imagined EVER liking him. About a month before he broke up with her i noticed he was a little flirty with me and would text me a lot. We have two best friends in common who are also a couple so all four of us have started hanging out atleast once or twice a week. He told me the reason he broke up with her is because he didnt want to be with her anymore... but we dont talk about it much.

 

A few weeks after they broke up a few of us went out for dinner for my birthday and he told me dinner was on him which i thought was so sweet.

That same night this guy(jake) who i had been seeing for for a few months, taking me out on picnics, to the movies etc told me he didnt want a relationship. I was hurt and confused but accepted it. Literally a week later before our whole group was to go away he went into a relationship on facebook. I was a completer mess, i felt like i had been used and rejected all over again. I told him as it was that i was disappointed in him, he used me lied to me etc and that i deserved better. I also told him that morning to not bother coming to the weekend.

 

This weekend i started to get really close the Lucas, to the point where we hooked up... I told him i wasnt after anything because i was sick of the way i was getting treated and HE told me he wasnt looking for a relationship as it had only been 2 weeks since he broke up with his ex. All was good and i started to see him in a total different light. He was so sweet and tried so hard to get me to forget about Jake and it totally worked. I had the best weekend.

 

Since then we have talked every single day. I went away for two weeks and it was non stop texts and phone calls. I know for a fact he still talks to his ex and i know he texts a lot of people. It doesnt bother me, but im really starting to fall for him. We hang out quite a fair bit. We have slept together.... :/ which i really need to stop. Im the 2nd person he has ever had sex with. When we hang out with our two best friends(who are a couple) it always feels like a double date and they always tell us that.

 

Its still only been almost 4 months since he broke up with his ex and hes really starting to confuse me. When we hang out he has even started to hold me really tight and kiss me consistently on the forehead and it really seems he cares about me. Last week we were sleeping and in the middle of the night when i was asleep i woke up slightly as he just kissed my forehead out of nowhere. It was really sweet. He had started opening up about his family etc. All we have really discussed was that "nothing is going to ruin our friendship or our group" he even said to me that if something was to happen "which it wont(he said) it might be weird at first but it only takes a bit of time before it gets back to normal.

 

Clearly i changed my mind but i dont know about him, and i really really dont not want to say anything that could potentially ruin our little group we have going on.(we have a lot of mutual friends)

I know i have to stop sleeping with him but im starting to get really scared. I was happy just going with the flow but its starting to become more and more unbearable to the point where im in tears because its like i KNOW and im EXPECTING it to turn sour and once again get rejected and feel again like i meant absolutely nothing to someone. All i want is some advice PLEASE.

[NoMagicBullet]

... All we have really discussed was that "nothing is going to ruin our friendship or our group" he even said to me that if something was to happen "which it wont(he said) it might be weird at first but it only takes a bit of time before it gets back to normal.

 

Um, no. Sex changes things. Feelings that go beyond friendship change things. Things do not go back to "normal" or how things were before. That's reality, if not for all parties involved, then for the party who doesn't get their feelings reciprocated. Relationships change, group dynamics change, and the only thing one can do is try to navigate those changes as gracefully and as honorably as one can.

 

He kisses you on the forehead? Ugh. That is just too platonic for lovers. And based on the statements he's made... I'm sorry ashy, but you are only a friend with benefits to Lucas. I think you know it in your gut, and that's why you're scared and expect things to go sour. I could be wrong, but they only way to know for sure is to have a serious talk with him and tell him how you feel about him. A good time to do this would be when you tell him that's why you can't sleep with him anymore.

 

Try not to look at it like being used -- at the time, you both agreed that you weren't looking for a relationship when you hooked up. Both of you are/were in rebound mode -- you were hurt that Jake did not want to pursue a relationship, and there was Lucas. Stop and think really hard about this: how much of your infatuation with Lucas is about wanting to be in a good relationship with a good guy? How often do you fantasize about doing boyfriend/girlfriend type of things? You may be more in love with the idea of a relationship with him than actually in love with him.

 

This situation is why hooking up with friends from a group of friends is a bad idea. In a situation like this, it's a lot to ask of one person to shove their feelings aside to keep the group intact. It's possible to do this for a while (I did when I was a little younger than you are now), but you won't be able to get over Lucas until you are not in contact with him anymore. You may need to make new friends and socialize with new people, for a while anyway. I hope your group includes kind, trustworthy people who would understand this. You and Lucas might not remain friends, and I know that sounds awful right now, but friends move into and out of our lives, and sometimes the best thing to do is appreciate the friendship we had at that time and not try to hang onto something that does not get us to a better place in our lives.

 

Good luck, ashy.

[ashy555]

Thanks NoMagicBullet... yeah i think i know deep down i guess i have just been ignoring it out of fear of being hurt.

 

It just seems that no guys actually ever want to be with me. Even the first 4 men that i started to date just STOPPED talking to me... just like that, i didnt sleep with them.. nothing. One night one guy who i had been out with about 8 times and who ASKED me out just stopped replying to me... was because he met someone else. Then there was my first relationship. We saw each other for 4 months, were official for a month and i gave him my virginity, then 2 days later i was dumped over the phone in 2 minutes.(havent heard from him since)

 

The guy after that knew the story, said he would never do that, so i saw him for about 2 months before i slept with him and a few days later he ignored me, got with other girls and i LET him treat me like CRAP for about 6 months i ended it when he finally told me he didnt want a relationship... turns out he was calling me fat and ugly and telling everyone he used me for sex behind my back which SHATTERED my self esteem. I felt like a fool.

 

Then Jake who lied and used me.... now this.

 

Its hurting me to the point where i am too scared to move on. This thing i have for Lucas is preventing me from meeting anyone else. I currently have 2 guys who are trying to take me out, but im just not feeling it and i really want to give them a go, but im so scared that once again they want me for the wrong reason, use me, then leave me hurting in the gutter. I can't help but look for all the bad. Even when it was going well with the previous guy, i used to cry almost every night because i was waiting for that same heartbreaking pain. I cannot even IMAGINE what people go through when they get divorced... or broken up with after an 8 year relationship. It makes me sick to my stomach

 

I really want to let go of everyone, be single and focus on myself. I want to be strong enough to tell this guy enough is enough, im just so afriad of another rejection.

[NoMagicBullet]

Just being single and focusing on yourself -- I assume that means you would not be dating or having sex with anyone -- sounds like a good plan. You've been hurt several times before, and getting away from all that for a while gives you the space you need to heal.

 

You're afraid of getting rejected by Lucas if you tell him that you won't sleep with him anymore? I understand that -- he says he's your friend, but this puts that to the test. And your past experiences with men have shown you they won't stick around. But it seems as if you think Lucas won't like you or show you he cares about you anymore if you aren't sleeping with him. Well, it's possible that he won't, but it's also possible that he cares enough to understand why you need to stop having sex with him. There is the remote chance he does have some kind of feelings for you, but you need to talk to him about all of this. Let him know that you care for him, more strongly than you expected to when you first hooked up, and that's why things between you need to change.

 

Don't focus on this as an occasion for another rejection. Sometimes people just don't have the feelings for us that we have for them, and that's not their fault. What makes a difference is how well the people involved handle that situation. I hope you and Lucas can work things out positively.

 

You're young and I assume the guys you've been with have been young, too -- many people in their 20's are still learning how to deal with people and life in a mature way, so it's going to be rough. The best advice I can possibly give is to learn from these experiences how to make good choices for yourself and your future relationships, and to not let the actions of others make you bitter and pessimistic.