trombean Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 I'm crazy about this girl... She likes me, but she's not exactly crazy about me. We're really close friends and we have a great conection... But things between us are complicated... She says that she likes me, but she hasnt been able to decide whether or not she wants to date me. When I first asked her out, she gave me a straight up "no" and told me that I was like a brother to her. She just didnt feel that way about me. So we kept being friends and a few months later, she brings it up again with a "maybe..." but then followed by a "no"... Few months later, she does the same thing... And again, and again and again. Of course we start having problems because I want to date, but she's completley unsure. We try going on a few dates and kissing and talking a lot about it, but in the end her answer is always "idk" As time goes by, things start getting worse. Its stressing me out, because I'm crazy about her, but idk when she's going to turn around and tell me "no" after getting my hopes up, and its stressing her out because she cant make a decision. She tells me that she's never been so confused in her life and that she thinks I'm perfect and I have everything she wants, but I'm just missing one major detail (but she refuses to tell me what it is because she says she knows I'll try to force it and I need someone that will love me for who I am). She makes a lot of excuses. Saying "idk if I like you, or if I'm just attracted to you" or "idk if I like you or if I just like the way you make me feel about myself" or "idk if I like you or if I'm just lonely" .. But she says no matter what, she wants me to be her best friend in the world and be really close to me... But at the same time she feels like she also wants the benefits of a bf, so she's confused... That part doesnt make sense to me... So we've talked a lot about distancing ourselves from each other, but neither of us really wants to do that and we cant comit to it. And we dont want to stop being friends either, even even though we know we cant be stuck like this... The last time we talked, she promised me she would never bring it up ever again, but at the same time, she's made that promise to me several times in the past, and I feel like its going to come up again soon. Thats why I'm asking for help now... I feel that if we dont go out, we're just going to keep being stuck like this, but I cant get her to say "yes"... And I'm crazy about her so I really want this to happen. Is there anything I can do to help her make up her mind? Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 She makes a lot of excuses. Saying "idk if I like you, or if I'm just attracted to you" or "idk if I like you or if I just like the way you make me feel about myself" or "idk if I like you or if I'm just lonely" .. But she says no matter what, she wants me to be her best friend in the world and be really close to me... But at the same time she feels like she also wants the benefits of a bf, so she's confused... That part doesnt make sense to me... times in the past, and I feel like its going to come up again soon. Thats why I'm asking for help now... She's not feeling the kind of chemistry she wants to with a potential boyfriend. She likes you, but only as a platonic friend. She probably would like a boyfriend, and she knows you'd be a good one, but she knows she doesn't feel for you they way she should for a boyfriend. Rather than lead you on and accept your dates, she's done a good thing by declining. It's not your fault, it's just the way the human heart works. We can't choose who we are attracted to. I'm afraid there's nothing you can do to change things -- you've known her for a while, and if she felt the attraction, she would have given you a definitive "yes". Don't push anymore to go on a date with her. A date won't change her feelings, and you'll only be miserable that it won't go anywhere from there. Your best course of action is to give each other that distance you both agreed would be a good thing. Neither of you may want it, but YOU really need to be away from her, to get over your unrequited feelings for her and try to date other girls. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trombean Posted July 23, 2012 Author Share Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) She's not feeling the kind of chemistry she wants to with a potential boyfriend. She likes you, but only as a platonic friend. She probably would like a boyfriend, and she knows you'd be a good one, but she knows she doesn't feel for you they way she should for a boyfriend. Rather than lead you on and accept your dates, she's done a good thing by declining. It's not your fault, it's just the way the human heart works. We can't choose who we are attracted to. I'm afraid there's nothing you can do to change things -- you've known her for a while, and if she felt the attraction, she would have given you a definitive "yes". Don't push anymore to go on a date with her. A date won't change her feelings, and you'll only be miserable that it won't go anywhere from there. Your best course of action is to give each other that distance you both agreed would be a good thing. Neither of you may want it, but YOU really need to be away from her, to get over your unrequited feelings for her and try to date other girls. We have great chemistry though. And I'm never the one to bring this stuff up, it's always her. I tried moving on since the first time she told me no, but she made it really hard by bringing it up so much to tell me "ok maybe". I was never even the one to ask her on dates besides the first time. It was always her suggesting it. Now, I'm just completely confused as to whether it's even gonna happen or not. She's told me before that she feels like she just has a problem with commitment. She's afraid to get attached to someone who will eventually hurt her. She's only had one boyfriend and in the end, he hurt her pretty bad... So therefor she's always telling me "I really want you, but I'm not sure if I want you forever. And I shouldn't be wasting my time with someone that I'm not sure if I'm going to marry" Edited July 23, 2012 by trombean Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Well, unfortunately for you, "maybe" still isn't a yes. She doesn't really know what she wants, and if you're crazy about her, you're the one more likely to get hurt in this situation. I don't know how long ago her breakup was, but she may still have residual feelings for her ex, even if he hurt her. She may need more time to heal, and in the meantime, her heart doesn't seem to be in dating you. You both seem pretty young, and young women -- well, all women, really -- are under enormous social pressure to have a boyfriend/husband/man in their life at least most of the time. Perhaps she's feeling the need to have a boyfriend, even though she's not 100% into going that route with you. Whatever the case, it seems she has some stuff to work out about what she wants, and it's best to just let her be and sort herself out. I suppose you could say "Listen, if you ever decide you want to date me, then say so. Until then we're only going to be friends, so please don't bring up the subject again until you've made up your mind." I know she's your friend, but if she really cared about you, she wouldn't be putting you through this head trip of her indecision. She knows you're crazy about her, and whether she it's intentional not, she's keeping you on a hook this way. Again, I seriously recommend that you give her some space, set some boundaries with her ("Quit telling me you want me if you're not going to date me."), and try to date others at this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trombean Posted July 24, 2012 Author Share Posted July 24, 2012 Her last relationship was about 3 years ago. She had met someone else before me, but they never dated and he ended up hurting her also. I guess I'll try to distance myself :-\ it just sucks. She's the most incredible girl I've ever met. I've never felt this way about anyone. And we're so close, but yet it doesnt look like it'll ever happen. It feels like a really cruel joke someone's playing on me :-( Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 It feels like a really cruel joke someone's playing on me :-( It always does. To all of us at different times in different ways. I'm still trying to get past a "cruel joke" on me that began last year. 6 weeks of no contact and counting; I think it will stick this time. You're not alone, trombean, even though it feels like it. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
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