sendme Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 ok... so here's the story, or at least the short version, I was with a man for nearly a decade, we relocated so I could go to postgraduate school... he was depressed and miserable and hated it here, so he moved... when he moved back home to be with his family I felt as though he "had left me" even though he was in his mind only leaving the place we live. I was heartbroken and devastated, but spent my holiday break from school with some very dear friends. I came back to school positive and upbeat, and decided that I didn't want to do long distance with some guy who left me, so we broke up and I started dating someone else. a month or so goes by and the ex starts calling me, we talk, over the winter break I go see him, the current boyfriend finds out we're talking but doesn't know I went to see the ex. At the time the current boyfriend finds out we're talking and he starts becoming an insecure controlling jerk. He insults me, puts me down... he's emotionally and physically abusive he uses sex as a weapon saying things like, "if you don't have sex with me right now I'll know your talking to your ex and break up with you..." the current boyfriend has even said things to me like, I know exactly how to control you, if I don't want you to leave the house I'll just make you feel so insecure you won't go out for a week. In the meantime the ex, is amazing and wonderful... he really loves me, he's walked beside me through all my struggles with the current boyfriend, the abuse, the sexual assault, every thing. he's truly demonstrated that he loves me... Anyway... the current boyfriend slept with several other women while I was away visiting the ex... the current boyfriend doesn't know that I was with the ex, but he suspected it which is how/why he justified his cheating. I was away with the ex for quite a while... and my anxiety level was lower, I missed sex with the current guy but NOTHING ELSE.... I was happy for the first time in a really long time... but couldn't stop thinking about sex with the current guy... So here's the thing, I realize that I really love the ex, and want to be with him, except the sex is terrible... the current boyfriend and I have mind blowing once in a lifetime amazing sex but he's so very cruel... last night we had a fight because I wanted to go to dinner with my girlfriends, he literally looked at me and said " well it's a good thing you're going, because I'll call so and so and sleep with her." I keep staying with the current guy because I don't want to be out at school alone, but I can't succeed in school while dealing with the current guy, but I'm obsessed with him, we try to break up and I can't handle it I pace the house and get all antsy and either he or I will go to the other person's house basically right away. If this keeps up I'll lose the ex, who I truly want a life with I love him and love his family and have no doubt that he loves me we could have a wonderful healthy loving life together, and yet I'm obsessed with a jerk who treats me terribly... I'm thinking of quitting school because as long as I am here I won't be able to stop with the current guy, but what I'm doing in school is my dream... and I don't want to give that up... so why am I obsessed with a guy who is terrible to me, and why can't I let go... I think its because he's the only person I know here.... someone please help me... how do I break the cycle to be healthy and happy and have the life I want with my ex?? I'm lying to both, I'm anxious and hate myself both for the lying but also for all the hateful things the current guy says to me, he calls me a whore and a liar, and a manipulator and a game player and he sees nothing good in me... my self esteem is already low and I can't help but believe that all the things the current guy says to me are true... I hate him and the he screams at me, pushes me around and treats me, but when we're having sex its like a freaking movie, amazing like nothing I've ever known.... The ex is stable and supportive, he loves me and accepts me flaws and all, he knows I spent the last year lying to him and being with someone else and he still wants me, he's willing to forgive me, he's from a wealthy and affluent family I would never have to worry about being provided for, he's handsome, he's my best friend. I love him he makes me laugh, we talk like I've never talked with anyone, he is my safe haven, I hug him or see him and all the world just settle into place and I know that everything will be okay.... just because he's by my side... ugggghhhh how terrible am I? who does this? who is torn between two men? one great and one abusive? Am I the only one whose ever been in this position? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Okay didn't read anything but the title but do you really need to elaborate? Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Listen, maybe you shouldn't be with either man right now. You are thinking about this abuser. Being with the ex wouldn't be fair to the ex if you are still thinking about the current guy. Regarding the current guy...there will come a day where you will look around and your self-esteem will be completely gone...you will feel used up...washed up...bad about yourself. You think this is bad now? There's more coming. You can remove yourself from him. I understand. He's inside your skin...a part of you. You may be addicted to him. You might feel like you can't make it without him. You need to dry out like an addict. It will be hard...you will feel anxious, itchy, short of breath, etc....like an addict. I was that when I decided to stay away from my ex for good. It was horrible. I felt like a strung-out addict and I've never done drugs before and I don't like most alcoholic drinks I've tasted. But I was like a strung out addict, needing a fix. It was so unbelievable hard, but I did it. Time does heal, but you have to be willing to go through the horrendous pain and not rush it because time works slowly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 (edited) The first few decades of life: Biology trumps morals. Flesh trumps the spirit. Natural inclinations reign. After getting burned repeatedly and getting worn out in life (anywhere from the 3rd decade to the time of our death bed): Morals trump biology. Spirit trumps the flesh. Choice and wisdom reign. Hopefully this is how it goes for everybody. I believe God is good and gently nudges us towards the latter. It's a natural progression but we can still resist it if we choose. I believe there comes a point where it's harder to resist than it is to just submit. Edited July 25, 2012 by M30USA Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Why would you stay with someone who outright tells you he aims to control you? What are you, a dog? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lordmayhem Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 If the ex is so great, then why is he an EX? Looks like the typical re-writing history to justify seeing the Ex to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sendme Posted July 28, 2012 Author Share Posted July 28, 2012 The first few decades of life: Biology trumps morals. Flesh trumps the spirit. Natural inclinations reign. After getting burned repeatedly and getting worn out in life (anywhere from the 3rd decade to the time of our death bed): Morals trump biology. Spirit trumps the flesh. Choice and wisdom reign. Hopefully this is how it goes for everybody. I believe God is good and gently nudges us towards the latter. It's a natural progression but we can still resist it if we choose. I believe there comes a point where it's harder to resist than it is to just submit. wow... that is both encouraging and beautiful thank you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dhyan Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Leave that guy! It's better to be lonely for a while than to be with such a horrible person. Don't betray yourself and ruin your future by staying with him. That's the first order of business. Now whether or not your Ex truly belongs in your life is another topic all together. You first need to get out of that abusive relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
CopingGal Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 SendMe, how is it going? Link to post Share on other sites
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