I have issues with him calling her.... so .... about the kids?

[Adamgem]

I have been very mixed up lately. Very quickly... he lives with me. I am not sure what she knows about it.

 

When they talk on the phone 'about the kids'... I feel uncomfortable. I do not get the feeling that it is all about the kids. They are very connected.

 

I change my mind every day. I want to leave. I want to stay. I want him to get on well with everybody. I don't want her in our relationship.

 

Am I being unreasonable or selfish? I am so confused. I do not have children. I do not know anything about how people deal with split ups. What is normal?

 

He told me she is not accepting the split up and is going on like he will always be hers.... I do not know what is true?

[Happyface]

Hmmm. I guess they are very connected because they are married and parents of children usually do discuss their children, separated or not.

 

It seems to me that you are not in touch with the reality of you situation. You don't seem to know anything.

 

Perhaps you should, for your own benefit, find out in person what his wife does or does not know. It will help you to decide whether this man is worth all the confusion and anxiety you are going through.

 

Best wishes,

 

Happyface.

[jwi71]

I have been very mixed up lately. Very quickly... he lives with me. I am not sure what she knows about it.

 

When they talk on the phone 'about the kids'... I feel uncomfortable. I do not get the feeling that it is all about the kids. They are very connected.

 

I change my mind every day. I want to leave. I want to stay. I want him to get on well with everybody. I don't want her in our relationship.

 

Am I being unreasonable or selfish? I am so confused. I do not have children. I do not know anything about how people deal with split ups. What is normal?

 

He told me she is not accepting the split up and is going on like he will always be hers.... I do not know what is true?

 

Then sit him down and ask him.

 

If need be, ask HER.

 

Better still, ask how he feels about you meeting his xW for lunch.

 

You and his xW really should sit down and discuss your role as step-mom.

 

One other thing - she will be in your life for as long as those kids live. Period. The M may have ended but their being parents NEVER ends. So meet her and help set the tone for the rest of your life.

[whichwayisup]

I have been very mixed up lately. Very quickly... he lives with me. I am not sure what she knows about it.

 

When they talk on the phone 'about the kids'... I feel uncomfortable. I do not get the feeling that it is all about the kids. They are very connected.

 

I change my mind every day. I want to leave. I want to stay. I want him to get on well with everybody. I don't want her in our relationship.

 

Am I being unreasonable or selfish? I am so confused. I do not have children. I do not know anything about how people deal with split ups. What is normal?

 

He told me she is not accepting the split up and is going on like he will always be hers.... I do not know what is true?

 

They will always have a bond - Their kids. Embrace it and accept it, don't be scared, intimated or worried about it. He is living with you - Yet he is package deal - Kids and an exwife.. She will always be around on some level because of their kids so please don't get in the way of that, put restrictions on when he can talk to her, or what they talk about.

 

Seems this is your issue with him, not her. Either you trust him and know that there's nothing going on between them and have faith that he is faithful and not doing something behind your back or don't trust him at all and get mad that they may joke around and have conversations that doesn't involve the kids. They still need to be a good terms for the sake of their kids. That's healthy and in the long run the kids will benefit from this.

[alexandria35]

When I was with my ex he had an 11 yr old son with a woman he had never married and they had seperated for several years before I met him. He had a lot of issues and our relationship was terrible and emotionally damaging to me but his relationship with his ex was never an issue for me. Of course they shared a child and therefore had contact with each other because of that but not all of their conversations were about the kid. They had a shared history and sometimes they would talk about incidents from the past, reminisce about the good old days. Sometimes she would ask him for a favor that had nothing to do with their child. Like driving her to the airport and picking her up when she got home. When she asked for something he obliged because he felt it's the least he could do considering that he left her and their child and she was doing most of the hard work in raising their son. Having been a single mom myself I 100% agreed with him. The fact that he treated her right was one of his redeeming qualities in my eyes.

 

The fact that he was sporadic in paying his child support (and she didn't make a fuss about it because she was very independant and did a good job of supporting her son on her own,) was something about him I disliked. The bulk of his money went to his wants and needs and he paid child support to her as an after thought. This selfishness was one of the reasons we didn't last as a couple. I would have never interfered in his interactions with his ex or tried to control it, however the difference in my situation was that we were an open couple. I knew his son, met his ex and we were all okay with each other. They had been seperated for a long time and I figured that since they had the last seven years to get back together and they didn't ever do it that their relationship was the least of my worries. If I were to ever date another man in a similar situation I think I would take the same approach, because I know the second I become jealous and insecure about it, it will be all downhill for me from then on.

 

It seems different in an relationship that started out as an affair though. In the rare cases where the MM does leave the marital home to be with the OW, the OW's mental state often seems to become worse instead of better. Her jealousy and insecurity seem to rage out of control and she has an almost rabid need to see him completely and utterly reject his betrayed spouse on every level. He is not to do her any favors, he is not to have any discussions with her that the OW doesn't approve of, he is not to be alone with her, etc etc...It's really quite crazy when you think of it. I agree with everything WWIU said except the bit about you trying to control when he's allowed to talk to his ex and what he is allowed to talk about. I guess I'm of the opinion that if you're in a relationship with someone who has to be monitored and controlled that way, you have to ask yourself if this is a normal healthy relationship to begin with.

 

I spent years with an alcoholic and I went through the trying to control another adult phase and I will never do it again. Never! It drove me crazy and did nothing to improve our relationship. Our relationship was a dysfunctional mess which was only 50% caused by his drinking, the other 50% of our mess was caused by me and my unhealthy need to control him and make him change. Eventually I just became exhausted and gave up. Then I started paying a lot more attention to myself and what I was doing and lot less attention to what he was doing. I went back to school, I got a better job, I raised my self esteem and my self worth and during this time I handed his life back to him. I let him do whatever the hell he wanted. When he came home drunk or didn't come home at all, I simply went on with my life and doing the things that brought me happiness which was mainly spending time with my sons and my family. I refused to engage in any sort of discussion or disagreement with him when he was drunk because I knew it would disingrate into a senseless argument and that wasn't good for me or for the other members of my household. Eventually I let go of him for good, because I realized his alcoholism would never let him be a healthy strong partner to me.

 

I would never ever let myself become emotionally attached to another drug addict or alcoholic. History has taught me that we truly can't change or control another human being so why would I set myself up to lose that way? Why do so many women pick me men who they are not happy with and then insist that the guy has to change to make her happy? Why not just pick a guy who is who you want him to be in the first place? You have chosen to be with a cheater. As I understand it he has cheated in both his marriages and his current BW actually started out as his OW. So you know what he is and what he does. You can accept this or you can get out and find someone who is not a serial cheater. The onus for your happiness is on you. It's not his job to change to make you happy. He wasn't put on this earth for your personal happiness. If you decide to stay with him than accept him for who he is and understand that you are in a relationship with someone who makes you feel insecure, unhappy and jealous by your own choice. You and you alone choose what you want in this world.

 

From reading your very first thread here it doesn't sound like you think you have a lot going for yourself besides this relationship. I think you should delve a little deeper into that and figure out what you can do to make yourself a stronger, happier, more independant woman. Instead of running around like a crazed woman worried about what your MM is up to with his ex, start thinking about yourself and what YOU are going to do to make YOUR life better. Stop making this MM the be all and end all of your entire existance and take responsibility for your own happiness.

[MissBee]

I have been very mixed up lately. Very quickly... he lives with me. I am not sure what she knows about it.

 

When they talk on the phone 'about the kids'... I feel uncomfortable. I do not get the feeling that it is all about the kids. They are very connected.

 

I change my mind every day. I want to leave. I want to stay. I want him to get on well with everybody. I don't want her in our relationship.

 

Am I being unreasonable or selfish? I am so confused. I do not have children. I do not know anything about how people deal with split ups. What is normal?

 

He told me she is not accepting the split up and is going on like he will always be hers.... I do not know what is true?

 

 

A relationship built on insecurity and distrust is a sinking ship.

 

You are either insecure because of your own reasons or because there is a real reason.

 

You seem to not know a lot. If a man is living under your roof...you should at least be aware of what is going on. Talk to him. Ask him if she knows you all live together, tell him how you feel, you guys as a couple need to be communicating openly and should be on the same page. It seems like he is relishing in the thought that she "wants him" and that you're jealous over it, as I don't see why else would he tell you that. I second the idea that you need to find out what's going on, as it could very well be that he is lying to his wife and you're still the OW. That is, he lies about living with you and is using you as a place to stay and a soft landing as he tries to get back into his wife's good graces.

 

I don't have kids, but I know enough to know that parents who split still have to communicate. I guess in a post-A scenario it breeds more insecurity in the exOW. How did your MM end up leaving? On his own? Was he kicked out? Did a dday push it?

 

My ex-boyfriend was divorced and had a child and had to talk to his ex-wife daily. It didn't bother me one bit, as I knew without a shadow of doubt that he was not into her...but I suppose that was because they divorced before we ever met, so I had no reason to feel like things weren't over between them. But he had to communicate with her daily about his son. I expected this. He was also very open with me about their relationship and made sure that everything was above board. So I am sure in your MM's case and most other cases, the parents have to be parents and they can't do that without communicating. You have to learn to handle your jealously in that regard. I don't know enough to say it seems like he is still into her or they could be cheating...but it cannot be ruled out at all. It's easier to cheat with your ex-wife whom you have history with and speak to all the time, than a new person. So I'd start by communicating more and paying attention to whether or not he seems truthful, open, transparent or he seems to be hiding things.

Edited July 23, 2012 by MissBee