"If they loved you..."

[SoMovinOn]

I demand things of life, my career, my relationships. There are things that I need and if I don't get I have to make changes. I call that demands. Why does the word seem to bother you?

 

I guess because "demanding" something from someone you love, and who loves you, just seems wrong to me. I know it's a bit fairy tale-ish, but, I expect when two people truly love each other, they will do the right things for each other. If demands are required, something is wrong.

[SoMovinOn]

I can think of many situations where people risk their lives or the lives of their families for one reason or another. We will risk even that we value for the right reason.

 

In those situations, wouldn't you think the thing creating the risk is perceived to be of greater importance or priority over the thing being risked?

[woinlove]

Before my affair, I would have claimed that I loved my then-wife.

 

This shows how words of love can mean things so variable. Who knows what someone means when they say they love someone? Other times, you have said you only married your ex for financial reasons, described her as an awful person for many years before your A, someone you should have divorced when she became pregnant, but to you that was love. I really think love is all in the actions. When you show love day in and day out, it is obvious. The words ... well, in the absence of continuous loving actions and decisions, they can be all over the place.

[Silly_Girl]

I guess because "demanding" something from someone you love, and who loves you, just seems wrong to me. I know it's a bit fairy tale-ish, but, I expect when two people truly love each other, they will do the right things for each other. If demands are required, something is wrong.

 

I see it differently. Relationships have conflicts all the time, career decisions, family pressures, tough schedules, blended families - but the onus is on us as individuals to make the call when a situation is destructive or negative for us, would you agree?

 

Perhaps the word has negative connotations for you. Certainly I don't mean 'demands' as a list of prescribed behaviours that I insist my loved one must carry out.

Edited July 24, 2012 by Silly_Girl

[alexandria35]

Before my affair, I would have claimed that I loved my then-wife. But the affair showed me that I did not. Because I was willing to have an affair, prepared to take the risk of losing my marriage, and was at least willing on some unconscious level to risk hurting her in the process. Counselling showed me the depth of my anger towards her, and helped me understand my motivation in seeking to exact revenge on her for the myriad wounds and indignities I'd suffered, or felt I'd suffered, during my marriage, by having the affair. An affair is not an act of love towards the spouse. It is an act of hatred, of anger, or of indifference. In my case all three.

 

I loved my love, with every fibre of my being, and yet I know that even if I had not left my marriage I would have loved her no less. I would simply have been paralysed by the fear of what my leaving would do to my children, having seen the trauma they suffered through a previous separation. Perhaps, according to those you quote, the argument holds that I didn't love her enough if I was prepared to put my duty as father to ensure as far as I could the emotional and physical wellbeing of my children ahead of my love for my lover. Perhaps "loving her enough" in their view equates with pulling out all stops, irrespective of morality or legality, in order to be together. Perhaps such voices would only have been satisfied had we married on the bloodied grave of my ex-wife, I can't say. But I can state hand on heart that my love for my wife could have been no greater, whatever the body count.

 

The bolded is just ridiculous. I have never ever seen anyone say anything remotely close to "if you love someone you will do anything to be with them, even kill your spouse". I have never seen that said by anyone here or anywhere else. It's stupid and I don't know how you expect anyone to take anything you say seriously when you speak such absurdities. And you know what else? Any man who wants to put the emotional and physical well being of his children above all else would never risk putting them through the emotional turmoil and fallout of an affair, especially a man who claims that his wife is abusive and unstable. Having an affair in those circumstances has got to be the ultimate act of selfishness because not only are you risking the marriage you are also risking the very safety of your children. Even is non abusive marriages people who are trying to protect and honor their duty as parents would never risk bringing that kind of trauma and emotional upheaval to their childrens lives. Affairs have nothing to do with being a good parent. There is nothing honorable about being a cheating parent and putting your children through that. Having an affair is a parent putting their own desires and needs far above the well being of their children. Divorce is traumatic for children too and that shouldn't be taken lightly either but I still maintain that the fall out from infidelity is worse and often leads to divorce anyways so why not just divorce in the first place without adding the devastation of infidelity to it?

Edited July 24, 2012 by alexandria35

[Silly_Girl]

I believe she is saying she has demands FOR HER LIFE. I'm sure she doesn't stand there, hands on hips, and declare her wants in an authoritative manner. She just knows what her expectations are and she demands OF HERSELF that she doesn't compromise her own expectations.

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong, SG. I just don't see you as someone who would be basically shouting orders at your loved one.

 

You're right Donna, for sure, but I kinda like the idea now

[William]

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