DDay forced by me (OW). BS spouse called me.

[woinlove]

It's unfortunate you weren't aware of her mental state prior to forcing the D-Day. It's dangerous to buy into the "truth will set you free" mythology ... as you so readily found out.

 

At this point, it's all damage control ... trying to put the genie back into the bottle ... and no matter what you do, it will be a mess. I doubt there is anything you can do to make this better. It's really up to MM to help his W now.

 

The damage started with the A. From reading LS, it seems like in some ways it is all damage control from the time the A starts, it is just a matter of when the ones involved in the A start to recognize that.

 

And actually, the problem is that people were lying and deceiving. Had people chosen to behave honestly and openly, one wouldn't be in this situation, would one?

[2sunny]

Honestly I don't want the hassles of a full time relationship. I like the idea of when I want to see you, I will. That's what made it so nice. No hassles.

 

And YOU can set that boundary with an AVAILABLE man! But you didn't or don't. Having principles and integrity (or none) says everything about a persons moral character.

 

There's no reason for him to respect you - wen you don't respect YOURSELF. Yes, YOU do this to YOU - by YOUR CHOICES.

 

Doing nothing is still doing something...

 

To the OP ---> great job on being honest with his wife! It's takes courage and strength! Good action!

[2sunny]

WWIU, to answer your question, then I wont post on here anymore. My XH and I where not together when this happened. Yes I had the affair when we where together, but I moved out. He wanted me back home, and I was torn between him and my MM. I told MM good bye at the time. I chose to go back home. XH came to help me move, that's when he found the card. There was no way I could tell him the whole truth, so it had to be a fabricated version. After being home for 2 months I realized I didn't love my XH, and moved back out again.

 

Just more evidence of how lies hurt others... You could have just been honest with your then husband!

 

Please seek counseling to learn how to be honest.

[Emme]

It's time for you to no longer be a factor in these peoples lives. Take yourself out of the equation.

 

You initiated Dday... Good for you. Move on. When I say move on I don't mean you leave a trail for them to follow. Disappear.

 

You needed forgiveness, fine. May I suggest praying to your god.

 

I am at a loss as to how someone can question how should I proceed. This is your statement.

 

He does not want to tell her everything because she became suicidal yesterday, got one of his guns and left him a goodbye message and one to her mom as well (this is true since she confirmed it when I spoke to her yesterday).

 

This is not a soap opera. Unless you are certified to handle someone who is this unstable, in my opinion you are doing the wrong thing by continuing to involve yourself. Detach yourself. Do it before her brain decides to make one of those bullets your best friend.

[sad puppy]

Wow. Getting tired must've gotten tired of the outrageous thread jacking that occurred here. Wow, just wow. She really needed some valuable input, even stating she was afraid and look what this whole thread turned into. Ridiculous.

 

Getting tired - if you're still there, please take care. You absolutely did the right thing and even though the BS must be upset, she can only benefit from your willingness to speak and be honest. That was a good move, it will give her some peace of mind. Dump the MM, he sounds like a mess.

 

Now it's time for you to move on, disentangle yourself. Your life will be much better.

[SoMovinOn]

The damage started with the A. From reading LS, it seems like in some ways it is all damage control from the time the A starts, it is just a matter of when the ones involved in the A start to recognize that.

 

And actually, the problem is that people were lying and deceiving. Had people chosen to behave honestly and openly, one wouldn't be in this situation, would one?

 

Well, yes. It was a bad situation, which has been made worse and lead to the BS becoming suicidal. Not exactly the best solution.

[2sunny]

Did the OP actually confirm that the wife was suicidal or was that another lie that the MM used to deter this OW...?

[woinlove]

Some still seem to be harping on the fact that they think it was wrong for GettingTired to tell the BS the truth. Perhaps they missed her update after she met with the BS in person and was honest with her. I've quoted it below.

 

Again, I think what was wrong was all the dishonesty and deception of the MM, and we often see incredible negative fallout from such dishonesty. It is not unusual for OW to post here saying they have been suicidal because of how MM has treated them (I recall two current examples). If MM/MW were honest and open in their interactions, so much of the pain we see here would be lessened. I don't agree at all with the perspective that the solution to such deception is more deception.

 

Again, GettingTired, I'm glad you and the BW could share an honest and respectful interaction and I wish you the best in moving on from this painful experience. You may already be able to get a restraining order against MM because of his recent interactions with you which have made you feel unsafe. You should not need to feel that way.

 

A quick update. I am back at work after meeting with her. We had agreed yesterday to meet at noon at a local restaurant. She was there promptly, I got there about 5 minutes late. We were there for 1.5 hours. The only thing I can say right now is that he does not deserve either of us. She is a wonderful woman just as I am and we were both lied to. She knew all along but she put up with it, he would never admit to it when he was asked, so she wanted confirmation from my part. I did tell all because he threw me under the bus big time, saying I was obsessed with him and would go look for him at work and would not leave him alone!!! We just took a day trip on Friday and she was very surprised at that. I told her a lot of details and she asked to see some pictures which I showed. I had some questions as well and yes, he lied to me on a lot of things as well. I'll come back to post more details later. She thanked me for telling the truth she was not getting from him.

 

I am devastated, I cannot believe this is happening to me. I believed everything he said, he seemed so honest with me, he deserves an Oscar. I do not want to hear from him ever again. I am tired. Now I fear for my safety, I have seen an aggressive part of him I never knew he had and I need to protect myself. He is going to be livid when he finds out I shared details and some photos with her. She asked me to. God protect me from MM fury if she tells him everything I told her. She said she would be discreet about it but at this point she could now throw me under the bus but I do not care, I just want to be away from them and let them figure out their marriage. He had me in limbo for 2.5 years and his actions showed he wants to stay committed to his marriage so it is now time for me to look forward to my future. I am free. Yes, the truth will set you free. I just have to worry about my safety now. Wish me luck.

Edited July 24, 2012 by woinlove

[frozensprouts]

OP,

not sure if it will help you or not, but I think you did the right thing for both you and your ex married man's wife.

 

You given you both freedom and a chance to start over, whatever that looks like for each of you. You given her the knowledge she needs to make informed choices, and you've taken back your power from him...you've seen first hand that the things he told you were lies and also just how low he can sink...it may hurt to know that now, but in the days to come it will give you strength...you'll know him for what he is...

 

It sounds like both you and his wife handled the meeting with great dignity, and you were both respectful of each other...

 

time now to take what you have learned from this and move forward to a happy life ahead...onwards and upwards:)

[todreaminblue]

Morning all,

 

It has been a very emotional draining weekend. I forced a dday on Saturday and MM BS called me last night, very nice, very concerned about my well being as I was about hers. We are to meet today at noon. She asked me why I did not tell her before. MM has asked to cover for him since he told her we have only been in contact for 1 year, and only to lunch (he told her we have not been intimate). He does not want to tell her everything because she became suicidal yesterday, got one of his guns and left him a goodbye message and one to her mom as well (this is true since she confirmed it when I spoke to her yesterday).

 

I do not know what to do, if she is in this mental state, I do not want to make the situation worse by telling her the truth should she ask the details (I told her in our conversation I had photos, texts, etc.) I told her we have been having a relationship for 2.5 years and it has been intense, she asked me if he told me he was leaving her and I said yes. I asked for her forgiveness. She was very warm to me as I was to her, it was like talking to a friend, she felt for me because she understands that I was lied to as well. She told me MM told her I was the love of his life a couple of years ago when my XH (my H then) called her to tell her we were in touch.

 

MM is under a lot of pressure since the gun incident and has asked me not to release details, to back his story up. He says being the type of person she is, very low self esteem, she wouldn't be able to handle the truth.

 

MM was livid that I forced DDay, that I betrayed him, he called me every name in the insult book. He treated me so badly, he was furious, he insulted me so much. I felt I was going to die yesterday.

 

This morning he called me, he was calm and we talked about the events that happened this weekend. He was not aware that we are going to meet today.

 

How should I proceed? I feel I have done enough damage by forcing the DDay and I should not make the situation worse by revealing more details. But that means she will never get the truth she is looking for. I do not want MM to feel more betrayed by me if I release more information.

 

 

I have been in the position of the wife I had to be hospitalised... I could trawl my sad story out here I almost did but deleted it....I still suffer from mental illness but i am following drs orders....here is my advice

 

Dont meet her.....if the wife has no regard for her own life.Do you think honestly she has regards for yours if anything you may be below in regards to her life.

 

To the wife in a sickened state you could actually be a focal point.

Do not kick her anymore while she is down leave the texts and proof you feel you need to show her..

 

Let the husband make the decisions you dont know her really and you certainly dont understand how she is feeling.At least she is still leaving notes when it is a plan in her head authorities can only help her.

 

Do you think if she possibly dies the husband might not be with you at all, sounds like it from the abuse you were shown when he found out.

 

Give the husband space to get her the help she needs to move on.

A little space isn't too much too ask.Then when she is safe the husband can continue his life with you.I guess its your decision how highly you regard her life because she no longer has regard for it......hope it works out for everyone concerned...good luck..deb

[todreaminblue]

I read further posts after i had posted the above post and read you met her.....you did take a risk I am glad that risk turned out for you and for her.

She obviously was more in control of her illness than I was......best wishes.....deb

[todreaminblue]

She already met with her and things went okay.

 

I read the posts.I am glad it did work out.I am glad the wife had control.I always look worst case scenario.Because for me it was.

I didnt leave notes and even though i am on drs orders with medication now.I have been struggling lately having rough days it is becoming visible in posts i am posting.So I apologise to the op I didnt read further the post hit my heart......I think its time for bed......night ...deb

[woinlove]

I read the posts.I am glad it did work out.I am glad the wife had control.I always look worst case scenario.Because for me it was.

I didnt leave notes and even though i am on drs orders with medication now.I have been struggling lately having rough days it is becoming visible in posts i am posting.So I apologise to the op I didnt read further the post hit my heart......I think its time for bed......night ...deb

 

Sorry that you are having a rough time. It is good that you are under the care of a doctor and I hope it gets better very soon. Given your situation, I can see why you responded as you did out of concern.

[CALOVELY]

HT,

 

I'm sorry that you feel as long as the wife is kept in the dark she is not being hurt by the cheating.

 

Nothing could be further from the truth!

 

Most BW's know something is off, and not quite right, but most think it is just due to job stress etc. Some BW's repeatedly ask their H's what is the matter and are told nothing, or lies.

Then the really cruel WS's gaslight and deny until the wife feels like she is crazy for seeing all these signs/wierd behaviors.

 

Me and my kids suffered much verbal and emotional abuse before we found out the reason behind his changed behavior. I wish I had found out the truth a lot sooner, as we never deserved any of this.

 

I second that. I watched a dear friend nearly lose her mind because her husband was so cold, distant and awful to her. He said everything in the book: tired, stress at work, low libido, possible depression, etc. He was having a 3 year affair and during those 3 years I saw this beautiful, funny and caring person turn in to a husk of her former self.

The whole what she doesn't know won't hurt her is a farce. Imagine being gas lighted for 3 years and made to feel that YOU are crazy. The children suffered greatly as well. Dad was always gone and mom was a mess. Cruelest thing I have ever personally witnessed.

[woinlove]

I second that. I watched a dear friend nearly lose her mind because her husband was so cold, distant and awful to her. He said everything in the book: tired, stress at work, low libido, possible depression, etc. He was having a 3 year affair and during those 3 years I saw this beautiful, funny and caring person turn in to a husk of her former self.

The whole what she doesn't know won't hurt her is a farce. Imagine being gas lighted for 3 years and made to feel that YOU are crazy. The children suffered greatly as well. Dad was always gone and mom was a mess. Cruelest thing I have ever personally witnessed.

 

Viewed from that perspective, one sees how the honesty that GettingTired gave can be a gift to the BS for getting her life on more firm (and real) ground.

 

In principle, it can also be a gift for the WS although that is only if it serves as a wake-up call to them and they decide they want to treat others better than they have been and to be more honest in the future.

[BetrayedH]

My MM by the way did throw me under the bus, but said he was sorry for it the next day. I emailed him, said thank you for that. We know there's no hard feelings. I know I will never hear from him, but we cleared the air knowing there's no bad feelings. His wife doesn't know everything, and I would never betray him and tell her.

 

I love a happy ending.

[William]

Thread starter, if/when you wish further input regarding your specific circumstances, alert on this post and request the thread be re-opened. I'll clean the rest of the off-topic banter up and infract as appropriate later. Thread closed.