Girl I just started dating might have an eating disorder..

[dasein]

It sounds like she is open to treatment and knows there is a problem. That is a great sign. In making your mind up, you should find out as subtly as possible details about her life. Does she have normal friendships and good relationships with family (other than mom)? Or is she a loner who tends to alienate people? Has she had normal relationships? Does she vilify her exes as all "abusive" villains? or merely "didn't work out?" Has she made progress in school? How are her grades and study habits? Does she exhibit relatively frequent signs of impulsive behavior, substance related, promiscuous past, impulsive spending, risk-taking? Does she drink lots? Is she prescribed anxiety meds? On SSRIs? If the answer to all of these is normal, then it will probably be no more risky than average to become involved with her. If she exhibits lots of the above negative traits, would consider moving on in your shoes. Good luck.

[The Way I Am]

That's great. So she's willing to acknowledge and work on her issues and can acknowledge her issues like an adult.

 

Now that you've seen lists of worst-case, I'd like to point out that there is a bright side. People who are willing to seek therapy and work on themselves also tend to be more likely to work on a relationship and seek counseling for issues down the line. If she's willing to share that dirty laundry, chances are that she's not just putting up a front to get you into a relationship. Possibly fewer surprises down the road.

 

In making your mind up, you should find out as subtly as possible details about her life.

 

I get that you've read/seen/heard about these issues as part of this disorder, but all of those things you mention are things you should be on the lookout for in a new relationship no matter what. (Except for how a person does in school unless the person is currently in school. I did great in school, but I work with many successful people who did poorly and do great at work. If the woman owns her own place, she either has someone else supporting her or has a decent work ethic.)

 

There's no way to "subtly as possible" find out about someone which isn't off-putting other than how you would normally get to know a person and watch out for red flags.

 

You should always be on the lookout for alcoholism, abusiveness, blaming exes, poor work habits etc when you're getting to know your partner. I don't see why you should treat the person differently because they told you they have an issue that includes those on a list of side effects.

 

Just do what you would normally do to size up a potential partner for those things.

 

The only thing I would suggest you find out is how she feels dating will fit into her recovery process since it's generally accepted that you shouldn't date while you're working through major issues. Since a relationship issue (specifically a break up) is what triggered her disorder, I'd be concerned for her that something you might do could trigger her again if it's too early in her recovery. I think you should find out how she feels about her progress and how it'll go with the potential ups and downs of dating.

[melodymatters]

Seems like everyone has become a dime store shrink since I joined in 2006 !?!

 

Many, many women struggle with low level eating disorders in this day and age. I don't know many teenage girls who aren't obsessive about their bodies and haven't tried a few tricks from the " Bulimia Handbook".

 

YOU found one who is honest and intelligent enough to face it, deal with it and discuss it honestly.

 

I had a similar mother and story as the OP's friend, and when I went off on my own, met and fell in love with my H, accepted HIS validation of my womanhood, not my mother trying to hang on to her/my "girlhood", it pretty quickly resolved itself.

 

Will I always be a bit concerned with not exceeding a certain normal healthy weight ? Probably. Is it a bad thing that makes me a psycho ? Hardly.

 

Over 20 years of not suffering from an eating disorder, but being aware that healthy and slim works best for me, has been a pretty happy and healthy recipe for life and love in my experience:)

 

Don't cross her off based on some laundry list of perfection, unless you're THAT kind of guy anyway, in which case she would be better off with a more empathetic partner IMO.

 

Good luck to BOTH of you !

[dasein]

Seems like everyone has become a dime store shrink since I joined in 2006 !?!

 

It doesn't take a dime store shrink to know that eating disordered are every bit as risky to date as alcoholics or drug addicts. Presenting bulimics maybe even more risky than dating an alky. Up to OP what his risk tolerance is and how many precautions he wants to take.

 

Of course these are potential issues with dating anyone, just massively more likely to exist in bulimics.

 

This thread is a perfect example of gender reversing exposing some of the inherent feminine biases of LS. Opinions given to a woman thinking of dating a backsliding meth addict or even a garden variety alcoholic would be startlingly different, near opposite to the "advice" given by some women to this OP, all because it's a poor poor female eating disorder "victim" in question. Spare the hypocrisy, LS. It gets old.

[The Way I Am]

This thread is a perfect example of gender reversing exposing some of the inherent feminine biases of LS. Opinions given to a woman thinking of dating a backsliding meth addict or even a garden variety alcoholic would be startlingly different, near opposite to the "advice" given by some women to this OP, all because it's a poor poor female eating disorder "victim" in question. Spare the hypocrisy, LS. It gets old.

 

I don't see why the advice for someone dating a recovering alcoholic would be much different. I would recommend the exact same approach for a woman dating a man who was recovering from alcoholism:

 

• Make sure the person is mature and open enough to talk about it
  
• Found out if the person is getting help and if they're at a point in their recovery where they can focus on dating
  
• Don't get overly paranoid and act like a weirdo trying to over-analyze the person like they're a lab rat while you look for every negative trait you've read might be associated with the issue. Just evaluate the person as you normally would a potential partner.
  

 

I wonder if your advice would be the same. I'm not sure you would be warning the OP against watching out for signs of bulimia and promiscuity if it was a male recovering alcoholic.

 

As for a recovering meth addict, that would be different to me. I think of meth addicts as dirty and gross no matter what gender -- maybe wrongfully, probably rightfully. So I would be negatively biased and would not have commented.

Edited July 25, 2012 by The Way I Am

[dasein]

I don't see why the advice for someone dating a recovering alcoholic would be much different.

 

Wrong. This woman, even if in therapy, is -presenting- not -recovering. Massive difference. Try again.

[The Way I Am]

Wrong. This woman, even if in therapy, is -presenting- not -recovering. Massive difference. Try again.

 

Semantics. I generally don't give a flying fig about terminology even in my area of expertise. No matter what you want to call it when someone acknowledges their issues and is seeking help for them, if the circumstances were the same but the person was a male alcoholic, I would advise the same thing.

 

Nice diverting though.

 

ETA: Since this is getting off topic and into some gender-specific agenda you seem to have, I'm going to refrain from responses to things that don't address helping the OP.

Edited July 25, 2012 by The Way I Am

[dasein]

Nice diverting though.

 

No. I'm not being a pedant here, you were being purposefully sophistic to bolster your position by sliding in "recovering." A bulimic who is purging currently is not "recovering," just as an alcoholic with a scotch in their hand is not "recovering," no matter their good intentions, nor how much therapy nor how many AA meetings they are attending. I think you know this full well and just don't like being called on it.

[amaysngrace]

No. I'm not being a pedant here, you were being purposefully sophistic to bolster your position by sliding in "recovering." A bulimic who is purging currently is not "recovering," just as an alcoholic with a scotch in their hand is not "recovering," no matter their good intentions, nor how much therapy nor how many AA meetings they are attending. I think you know this full well and just don't like being called on it.

 

She's in therapy and hasn't purged since May.

 

Yea she threw up after drinking but it wasn't induced vomiting...its cause she drank too much. That's different than purging.

 

It'd be like not giving an alcoholic any credit for not having a drink since June.

 

Active vs. Recovering

[Forever Silent]

There are a lot of issues that are deeply personal. She brought it up. If someone isn't prepared to address their issues in an adult discussion after bringing them up, then that person is in no frame of mind to pursue a committed relationship. It's not fair to the other person.

 

I was under the assumption that she brought it up while intoxticated. Regardless he has took action and have had a postive outcome. Please keep us updated. I wish you the best in your budding relationship.

[Leigh 87]

I had an eating disorder when I met my boyfriend.

 

We got through it. But it was complete hell.

 

I do NOT recommend you do it - as GLAD as I am my partner and I worked through it...

 

It CAN work, but she needs help fast.

 

An eating disorder can impact your self worth, and the way you thik others percieve you. For instance:

 

- I thought he was not that into me because my self worth was pinned to my body and my ED, therefore I felt unworthy and like I was nto enough for a guy to be that into

 

- I was not satisfied with my 110 lbs, curvy, 5 ' 5 body. I was always a little upset about my weight. When I was clearly slim.

 

- I caused drama every single NIGHT. Every. Night. There was ALWAYS a problem I made up.

 

 

 

 

................ I am in remission now and am a healthy weight and think my weight i sjust great ( albiet, I would like to get fitter for health and vanity again)

................ My partner stuck around for me, because we were too attached to part ways. We just couldnt do it.

Many times we BOTH knew it was healthier to break up so that I could work my issues, BEFORE entering into a healthy relationship. SOmehow, we are free of issues now, but it took A LOT OF COMMUNICATING!

We truly had to communicate A LOT about the steps we needed to take to resolve so many issues, but it was worth it in the end.

It has taken me about 1.5 years to be totally at ease with my ED and its correlation with my relationship. However, unfortunately the ED is often a symptom of OTHER issues, that can destroy relationships.

 

So, I am well enough for my partner and I to get along well and not fight; but there are still reminants of my mental issues, that will affct my relationship again if I let them.

Cut short: My ED is over, but the mental turmoil from it are still running strong in me, but I have managed to control things enough to have a very happy relationship on a day to day basis now.

[ascendotum]

Just curious, is there (or would there be) much of a difference in dating a girl who has anorexia as opposed to bullimia? I gather with bullimia the ED is hidden, whereas with anorexia its physically obvious, but in terms of the mental havoc it can play with the relationship?

A family member had mild anorexia for a while and it never seemed to cause a drama in terms of mental instability or relationship criseses that I was aware of. I realise there are different levels of intensity with ED, and as mentioned it can be a symptom of other issues.

 

From what I have read/seen I had the impression most anorexics are single, because they dont think they are good enough yet to deserve a bf. Leigh did your bf have to persevere with you to stay on?

[Leigh 87]

Just curious,

 

From what I have read/seen I had the impression most anorexics are single, because they dont think they are good enough yet to deserve a bf. Leigh did your bf have to persevere with you to stay on?

 

 

 

 

He had to go through complete hell. Before my bf, I was totally isolated socially. I had no friends, all I had was my eating disorder. I was very lonley and cried most days. I had a LOT of emotional turmoil to deal with, once I started wanting to change.

It started out okay, but my eating disorder consumed me - I had NO identity besides my ED.

I was surprised my bf and I had a special " feeling" about one another, actually. I had not established my true personality as such, because all I did throughout the past 5 years was work out and worry about being thin enough.

 

.......... I guess I had the will and drive to be happier. My bf happened to be a positive, happy person. To begin with, we only had basic conversations that were pleasant, but no true things in common, and I did not established a personality enough for us to really " click" , let lose, and have fun together. We just had the raw feelings.

... I guess I wanted to change, I saw I had potential to be an awesome person if I worked hard at it, so I changed a lot. My bf and I got very close when we had the raw feelings, AND I became a better person to him - a girl he could be around every day and have a lot of fun with.

 

For me, it took randomly meeting the right guy, who:

 

- had the patience to deal with a new issue every night for months

- was a very positive, carefree, and happy guy, who had the feelings for me, and just could not walk away from me.

 

I am not sure what stage the OP'S g/f is at!@ Plenty of girls with EDs have great jobs, gerat careers, and are social people with family and a lot of friends. They also have a fun personality, that captivates people ( including their partners!)

...... Obviously, overcoming an ED in a relationship CAN be done to an extent; I was nto even AT the stage of having ESTABLISHED my adult personality yet, when I first met my partner. I now feel like MYSELF - I have established a disntinct personality, that does not include me eating disorder. It took me almost two years.

 

 

...... My bf and I are at a stage where we are living together and are very happy going about our lives together, and we are happy every day. The drama and issues I caused due to my mental disorder have dissipated and do not occur now.

If I can make a relatioship work after an ED, others can too, but it is hard work and only a really great guy with patience can handle it. Love is not always enough.

 

 

 

 

........a partner can make you want to change - because to have a normal healthy life, it can take meeting a posititive, mentally healthy person, to make you WANT to change.

Regardless of wheather me and my bf work out long term, I really benifited from having him. I got better and recoverd MUCH FASTER than if I had never met him. I know this to be true; I know what i was like, and what it would have taken for me to recover, without meeting a good person to guide me.

[Leigh 87]

Just curious, is there (or would there be) much of a difference in dating a girl who has anorexia as opposed to bullimia? I gather with bullimia the ED is hidden, whereas with anorexia its physically obvious, but in terms of the mental havoc it can play with the relationship?

A family member had mild anorexia for a while and it never seemed to cause a drama in terms of mental instability or relationship criseses that I was aware of. I realise there are different levels of intensity with ED, and as mentioned it can be a symptom of other issues.

 

From what I have read/seen I had the impression most anorexics are single, because they dont think they are good enough yet to deserve a bf. Leigh did your bf have to persevere with you to stay on?

 

 

 

Oh. And even after almost two years, I still have issues that my ED left me with. I can just cope now, on a day to day basis, in my relationship. We are happy a lot more than sad now.

 

The ED is pretty much dead, but I have mental issues that correlate to an ED, that the OPS girlfriend may or may not have. These issues can always potentially ruin relationships if they are not dealt with and kept in check.

 

I do not have much life experience when I WAS in a healthy, positive mindset, so my bf and I may very well not last long term, because I am just not mentally healthy enough in the end; although I am very happy every day now, and function well socially, after years of not having any friends due to ED.

 

If the OP's Girlfriend has ligering issues associated with her ED, she needs to adress than amd constantly be aware of when she is slipping into destructive issues.

[ascendotum]

........a partner can make you want to change - because to have a normal healthy life, it can take meeting a posititive, mentally healthy person, to make you WANT to change.

^ From a rational guy perspective, this is what I thought would/should happen. A girl with ED & major self esteem issues, would feel really good about herself because this 'great' guy was in her life and was really keen on being with her & loving her, and so it would make her think she cant be that bad if this guy thinks she's hot and it would inspire her to slowly scale back on the ED, and to be a devoted gf. (theory anyway). dasein obviously had a different experience and got sucked into the crises, and as has been mentioned there can be other issues that lead to ED, but which just don't go away.

[Radu]

I have no ideea what to do in this situation, i was also bulimic [still am] but not heavy into it and i don't throw up [it made me fat]. I basically eat when i'm nervous, i calm down by doing it ... it relaxes me.

 

I would breach the subject later on, just 6 dates so far.

And i would not let her get away with 'it's not the right time' or 'i don't want to talk about it'.

Because quite frankly ... men are not supposed to be doormats, passive and what not, we are supposed to be strong ... and they like that about us.

 

That's at least what i would do.

[ascendotum]

Radu, how long before you would mention you are bulimic to a new girl? Early on in dating or after when you had become an couple?

[Radu]

I never mentioned it as a serious talk, they kinda figured it out by themselves when they saw i hit the gym a lot and was keeping my fridge a cold wasteland [plus the past weight problems].

 

But i'm not bulimic [she has bulimia nervosa] in the sense that this girl is, for me it wasn't such a big deal.

I eat when i'm nervous, but i don't throw up [i found it disgusting] or starved myself to death [even though at one point i was 150 pounds overweight].

 

What she has is bulimia nervosa, and for women it's much worse than for men :

- teeth destroyed

- oral trauma

- vomit reflex destroyed or not under control

- ulcers

 

The worse part is yet to come :

- women have more body fat than men, if they go under 17% body fat, their fertility is affected. If it gets to 12%, they are in big trouble, no more periods, dried ovaries.

- heart problems appear at young ages

- they can faint in the middle of the street, one girl fainted right in front of me in a supermarket check line

 

Someone above compared it to alcoholism, i think he was pretty close to it.

[Leigh 87]

^ From a rational guy perspective, this is what I thought would/should happen. A girl with ED & major self esteem issues, would feel really good about herself because this 'great' guy was in her life and was really keen on being with her & loving her, and so it would make her think she cant be that bad if this guy thinks she's hot and it would inspire her to slowly scale back on the ED, and to be a devoted gf. (theory anyway). dasein obviously had a different experience and got sucked into the crises, and as has been mentioned there can be other issues that lead to ED, but which just don't go away.

 

 

 

 

I was very, very lucky. I did not know what true love and joy felt like before I met my bf. I only had a thin and fit body. I had no love in my life.

I then happened to meet a person, who made me see that love and fulfillment superscede being thin; the happiness being thin derives is NOT true happiness.

 

It was my boyfriends love for ME that changed things. The fact a guy felt something special about me, and grew to love my personality, and the fact he also had two small dogs that I have grown to love - ht b asically taught me what TRUE love and happiness is.

 

My ED and looking thin was not happiness. relying on your physical appearance does not make for a very fulfilling life. Therefore, it took me to discover what it was to love a guy and animals, so overcome the NEED to depend on a FALSE, empty type of " joy" that being thin gave me.

 

 

 

 

.... Unfortunately, I do not think he is all that attracted to my looks. I KNOW he is on some level, but it is very hard for me to feel attractive enough to him, even though he tells me he is very sexually attracted to me.

 

 

It was NOT a case of " wow if he is attracted to me I must be ok". I WISH......................

When he first met me I knew he thought I had a stunning body, because I did! I worked out all the time and was too thin for my body type and had a great body shape.

I KNEW he found me attractive, but I had no personality underneath. I was a shell of a person.

Then, I replaced my perfect body, with a heavier, normal body, and traded my thiness for a personality.

[Leigh 87]

Advice:

 

- tell her you think she is a great girl, and LOVE her personality; tell her she looks GREAT the way she is, and your thrilled that she's your girlfriend. Say this more eloquently haha, but just make it clear once in a while, say once every week or two, how much YOU DO like her!

- tell her you find her very sexy

- just reinforce the things you love about her. It really helps me to not just THINK a person is awesome, but to TELL them.

She has a great career, so why not mention one day how you really admire and that you only like to date girls who have ambition, and that it is such a turn on.

- without being obvious, try to genuinely find the time to make positive reinforcements.

 

I am not sure if the ed is even ABOUT her body image........ For me it was largely because I WANTED to be thin. That simple. But it become much, much more than my appearance that drove it.....

 

If I had a solid career or study achievments I was fulfilling, and a guy telling and reinforcing what potential I have in life to be truly happy, I THINK it would help me want to change. I would feel worthy of change, because I know I am less of a person WITH an ED, and I would think that I am too good to waste... Having an ED minimises your personalility.

[Reegs]

Since everyone on this post gave me such great advice, I just wanted to give everyone an update on where we stand.

 

We are no longer dating. After having that conversation on a Monday night, and thinking we had jumped our first large obstacle in the relationship, I ran into another road bump with her 2 days later.

 

She came over to my place, for what I thought would be a nice night in of watching a movie, dinner, and some wine. She drank too much wine. As I was always told...a drunk girls lips...speaks a sobers girls mind. She really went deep into more stuff that was bothering her personally....

 

-revealed she had an abortion at age 18, and thought about the regret she had about that everyday.

-spoke about how she had walked in on someone that had hung themselves, while she was in high school, and thinks about that everyday

-got really wishy-washy with me...pushing me away one moment...and then calling for me the next. (at points she was telling me that she hated me..and that I was annoying her)

-went deeper into her bulimia issue, and told me how I had no idea what it was like to grow up in her house and the damage it had done to her.

 

To be honest...it was all a little much to deal with after 3 weeks. I wanted it to work...but I didnt want to sacrifice the person I was, to have to be with someone else. I let her know in the next few days that I didn't think that we were a match, and that it was nothing personal.

[ThaWholigan]

Since everyone on this post gave me such great advice, I just wanted to give everyone an update on where we stand.

 

We are no longer dating. After having that conversation on a Monday night, and thinking we had jumped our first large obstacle in the relationship, I ran into another road bump with her 2 days later.

 

She came over to my place, for what I thought would be a nice night in of watching a movie, dinner, and some wine. She drank too much wine. As I was always told...a drunk girls lips...speaks a sobers girls mind. She really went deep into more stuff that was bothering her personally....

 

-revealed she had an abortion at age 18, and thought about the regret she had about that everyday.

-spoke about how she had walked in on someone that had hung themselves, while she was in high school, and thinks about that everyday

-got really wishy-washy with me...pushing me away one moment...and then calling for me the next. (at points she was telling me that she hated me..and that I was annoying her)

-went deeper into her bulimia issue, and told me how I had no idea what it was like to grow up in her house and the damage it had done to her.

 

To be honest...it was all a little much to deal with after 3 weeks. I wanted it to work...but I didnt want to sacrifice the person I was, to have to be with someone else. I let her know in the next few days that I didn't think that we were a match, and that it was nothing personal.

How did she take it?

[Reegs]

Well, in short, when I brought up why I thought it was a good idea that we go our separate ways, she agreed.

 

She said that she didnt remember any of the night after the movie. I went through and listed all the things that she had told me, and how I thought she was great, but how I felt we weren't the right fit, right now.

 

She was shocked to hear all the things that she had told me, and said she didn't know why she told me she had an abortion, since that was not true. She apologized, and at that point, pretty much agreed that it would be better to go our separate ways.

 

Haven't heard from her in over a week.

 

It was a real bummer, because she was a nice girl. I just didnt want to have to deal with issues like that so early on. Just seemed like it was a lot within 3 weeks.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Reegs, before we touch on this issue you are dealing with, you might want to take some time and self evaluation on why you seem to always be attracted to the “wrong” type of girl. Look back through your dating history and figure out the common elements that may have caused you to pick certain women and see if you can’t figure out how that factors into who you are.

 

With that said, you sound like a really supportive caring guy and I respect the way you are handling this so far. The fact that you tried to bridge the convo to what this girl had opened up about the previous night is really good. Even if she felt to defensive to talk about it.

 

My advice to you is to read about the eating disorder. Do some research so you know what you are dealing with. Look for information that might be about how men can help their partners deal with their eating disorders. Perhaps there is a older man in your life that you can even go to for some advice? Your Dad? Uncle? Close family male friend? See what they say about it.

 

The reality is that at some point, the two of you are going to have to talk about it. But if you are prepared and do a little home work, you will have more information to deal with on how to breech this subject with her. Clearly dealing with an eating disorder isn’t going to be easy, for you or her. But with your support, she may find herself growing in ways that she didn’t know she could have done before. I don’t think she is a lost cause. Yes, she has a sickness. This is part of the package deal she comes in. The good and the bad. I suggest telling her something like, “I know that you don’t want to talk bout that conversation we had on blah blah night. But I think we need to talk about it sooner then later. Why don’t you pick a time when you want to do this.” This way you are giving her some feeling of control regarding a situation she feels she has no control over. Her having to open up to you won’t be easy but if she feels like she has control over when she talks to you about it, she might be more open.

 

It comes down to how much you like her and how willing you are to be involved in her life. Because this is unfortunately, part of her life right now and will probably always be a struggle for her. If she is worth it enough to you, you will have the strength to do that. And as you guys get closer and move into things, you can say to her, “I like you a lot and I am having so much fun getting to know you. But I want both of us to be as healthy as we can be so we have the strength that our relationship will need.” Your support may make a lot of difference for her.

[Quiet Storm]

I think you made a good choice by letting her go.

 

An eating disorder can often be the just tip of the iceberg or a symptom of something more serious. Usually Borderline Personality Disorder. This disorder is usually found in those that have abuse, neglect or trauma in their background, and it is not easily treatable.

 

You recognized early that her issues were more than you can deal with, and that was a smart decision. You didn't allow emotions to cloud your logic, and I think you handled this in a very mature way.