Husband always has to be the center of attention.... UGH

[randomized]

hello!

 

 

 

I'm finding myself particularly frustrated lately with my husband. He is a good man, for the most part. He does sweet things for me, tries to be considerate and respectful. 80% of the time, things are cool. I don't hate him in any way.

 

He just has some very very aggravating character traits, that I am extremely frustrated with.

 

 

 

I will do my best to keep it short. I typed this whole thing out once already, and my IE restarted... erasing everything. lol. I really don't want to retype it all.

 

 

My husband has a very bad habit of making really rude, condescending, sometimes even insulting comments. Not just to me... to everyone. It's gotten to the point where I've said something, his close relatives have said something, and his boss has said something about it.

 

He says he doesn't know he's doing it. His mom is the same way, except she DOES know she's doing it. She just doesn't care.

 

Gentle correction does not work. It usually ends up with me explaining why something is rude, and he responds unapologetically with "that's just how you feel/it's not my fault that's how you feel", "you're being too sensitive", or "that's just your opinion".

 

Every time I make a decision, or do just about anything, I'm met with criticism, condescending remarks, rudeness. I have to justify everything I do, only to be made to feel like I'm doing something wrong no matter what the outcome. It's a beat down, and I'm tired of it. I can only let it go for so long.

 

 

 

He also ALWAYS has to be the center of attention. ALWAYS. He overpowers every conversation, and is obnoxious and rude in the process. This mostly happens when other people are around. ESPECIALLY other guys. It's the worst around other guys.

 

He also mimicks however other guys are acting, and not like himself. Our next door neighbors are AWFUL. The husband treats his wife like CRAP, so that's what's mirrored in my husband when they hang out together.

 

I don't like hanging out in social settings with him because of this. He goes out of his way to get attention, and I fall by the wayside. He even goes so far as to be rude to me in the process of getting attention. Especially when he's been drinking.

 

Now, my husband brought to my attention that the next door neighbor (husband), and his friends have made some sexual comments about me in the past. We had a very heated conversation about this, because he never came right out and said that verbatim... it was the tone and the way he approached me with it, that was very accusatory. He made me feel like something I was doing was causing this.

 

That led to me not wanting to go over there at all. It makes me VERY uncomfortable. I don't like or try to attract that kind of attention.

 

When it happened, he went off on a tangent about how he doesnt want them disrespecting me, etc etc. Yet he continues to hang out with them. This mystifies me, and he hasn't given me a good reason as to why he continues going over there.

 

 

Now, I'm not wanting to divorce him or separate or any of that. I feel like with time and effort, this could possibly be corrected. Does anyone have any suggestions.

[Radu]

Well, generally speaking if someone wanted to be constant center of attention it would probably scream insecurity.

Mimicking behaviour is a nice way of belonging to the group, of not being different, it's a defense mechanism that you can also use to appear more convincing to ppl.

 

Well, the first step is to admit he has a problem, his answers are quite formidable defenses ... gift from mommy ?

[randomized]

Yup. "It's it's not my fault that you feel that way" is trademarked MIL.

 

Now, he's not a momma's boy by any stretch. She's not a nice lady, and we limit her interactions to only if she's seeing our kids.

 

He's just picked up some of her, ahem, traits.

[Radu]

Have you considered therapy ?

[randomized]

We've talked about therapy, but I don't think he wants to go.

 

He's expressed an interest, but never follows through, then gets defensive when I bring it up to him.

 

Insecurity issues may be hitting the nail on the head. I don't understand why being rude would be from that. Maybe pushing people away because of the insecurity? I'm sure you're right though. The mind works in weird ways like that.

 

Do I maybe need to give him more attention?

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh jeez,

 

I wonder if you married my brother-in-law because we seem to have the same mother-in-law. She floors me!

 

Is there any chance you could get him to read Gottman's Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work?

 

If not (and to be honest it sounds like not) then MC.

 

My father (he isn't sweet though) had a lot if these "social" traits as well. The mirror the other guys and throw people under the bus traits to get attention. It's a form of abuse. And it's also idiotic.

[dreamingoftigers]

It happens among guys who might not have had a strong or involved father-figure (IMHO).

 

Being rude is what a lot if them imitate in order to be cool and assert their manhood. A lot of guys without that dad get their man-image from tv and media etc. A lot of that content is socially inappropriate.

 

In my husband's case (he doesn't do the public throwing under the bus but the stuff he says to people OMFG!) he was raised by a rude mom who apologizes for none of it and no dad.

 

Luckily, (sorta) he was raised Jehovah's witness so he wasn't allowed to watch a lot of the media content growing up.

 

If a guy with insecurity issues wants to fit in with another jackass because he worries about his manhood or whatever (good luck getting him to admit this to you) He will throw his grandmother under the bus to get that attention. And idiots always encourage idiots to do even more idiotic things.

[randomized]

Thanks for the suggestion on the book. I'm going to go check out Amazon for it.

 

I think I can get him to go for it. He's real big on the idea of reading self help books. Just wasn't sure where to start.

 

He tried to get us reading a set of man/woman marriage books, but they were very christian-based, and frankly, that's not my thing. I like solid non-denominational advice without all the bible references. To be honest, they weren't very helpful either. It seems like a lot of marriages have problems relating to body image and sex, which we don't have a problem with.

 

We agreed for him to read the guy's first, and I'll read the woman's first. I found a lot of it didn't describe me or my feelings on the various topics, and he kind of felt the same way. So it wouldn't have been much help anyways.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good luck!

[randomized]

Caught your second post after my last one.

 

THANK YOU. His mom is a crazy person, and his dad was a "there but not there" parent who essentially spent his childhood zoned out in front of football or at work.

 

That explains a lot, and it seems like it should have been obvious. Sometimes it helps to bounce things off other people I think.

 

Plus, I'm still new at the whole marriage thing. lol.

[dreamingoftigers]

Someone needs to write The Crazy Mother-In-Law Handbook.

[randomized]

there aren't enough trees in the world, to cut down and make enough paper, to write a Crazy mother in law handbook.

 

and frankly, an e-book version would probably make my kindle explode.

 

Not because of the size, because it will no longer want to serve humans, knowing that people do that crap to each other irl. LOL.

[WildHorses]

That is just completely disgusting.

[randomized]

ummmm.... ok?

[whichwayisup]

"I'm really unhappy and if we don't go to marriage counselling and fix this together, our marriage isn't going to last much longer. We need to learn how to communicate and listen to one another and deal with the issues at hand and solve them so we can be a happy family again."

 

simple and sweet.

 

Address his comments and his flaws that truly are affecting the marriage IN marriage counselling.

 

He is stubborn and doesn't care that it upsets you. I call pure bullshi.t on him not knowing he's doing it. Unless he has a brain problem and isn't aware of wtf comes out of his mouth PERIOD...Which I doubt. People probably are afraid to stand up to him because he has strong views, talks loud and it's easier to let him have his way than disagree and have an argument or deal with how he reacts later on.

[randomized]

" People probably are afraid to stand up to him because he has strong views, talks loud and it's easier to let him have his way than disagree and have an argument or deal with how he reacts later on.

 

 

That's how people handle his mom. My husband and I have a lot of arguments about it, because I don't like being walked on, and I usually stand up for myself unless I'm flat out not in the mood to deal with it.

 

I think he knows that he does it, but after it comes out of his mouth. I think his defensiveness probably comes more from embarassment that he put his foot in his mouth.

[BetheButterfly]

Now, I'm not wanting to divorce him or separate or any of that. I feel like with time and effort, this could possibly be corrected. Does anyone have any suggestions.

 

Wow. I would have divorced him in a heartbeat. It just wouldn't work out for me to unite myself or stay united with a man who is rude. I have a very low tolerance for rudeness and it would just mean confrontation after confrontation, which isn't very peaceful.

 

My suggestions: ok, so you don't want to divorce or separate... that severely limits your options...

 

1. I would say to refuse to go over to the neighbors. I perfectly understand why they make you uncomfortable now, and I feel sorry for the neighbor's wife. How does she feel? Or you know what? Maybe if the neighbor's wife is a nice lady, why not invite her to your house? Maybe that's not a good idea, but since her husband treats her shamefully, maybe she needs a friend and is sad and hurting? Why not invite her to go to Starbucks or Panera Bread with you for a girl's night out? She might need a listening ear and comfort.

 

2. Intervention: I know that is normally used for people addicted to drugs. However, is it possible to meet with a counselor who can come to your house and directly approach him about this issue with his boss and others who have talked to him about it present? That might get his attention.

 

3. Make new friends who are intelligent, courteous, and successful people who hopefully your husband can learn from through their example. Although it might take time and understanding on your new friends' part, maybe that will help him not want to be rude?

Edited July 24, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[randomized]

Wow. I would have divorced him in a heartbeat. It just wouldn't work out for me to unite myself or stay united with a man who is rude. I have a very low tolerance for rudeness and it would just mean confrontation after confrontation, which isn't very peaceful.

 

My suggestions: ok, so you don't want to divorce or separate... that severely limits your options...

 

1. I would say to refuse to go over to the neighbors. I perfectly understand why they make you uncomfortable now, and I feel sorry for the neighbor's wife. How does she feel? Or you know what? Maybe if the neighbor's wife is a nice lady, why not invite her to your house? Maybe that's not a good idea, but since her husband treats her shamefully, maybe she needs a friend and is sad and hurting? Why not invite her to go to Starbucks or Panera Bread with you for a girl's night out? She might need a listening ear and comfort.

 

2. Intervention: I know that is normally used for people addicted to drugs. However, is it possible to meet with a counselor who can come to your house and directly approach him about this issue with his boss and others who have talked to him about it present? That might get his attention.

 

3. Make new friends who are intelligent, courteous, and successful people who hopefully your husband can learn from through their example. Although it might take time and understanding on your new friends' part, maybe that will help him not want to be rude?

 

 

1. She is a very nice lady. I have no problems with his wife, and talk to her when her husband isn't around. Her husband doesn't work either, so that limits when that actually happens. He took off on her about a month back, and she came over crying, and I talked to her for about an hour. She's at a loss. They have three kids together, one of which is 15 and just had her second baby. Perfect example of what happens when kids have a sh*theel father figure (sorry guys). I had a calm conversation with my husband about it last night, and told him just that. I explained why I'm uncomfortable being over there, and that I don't want to go any more. He said he understood, and agreed that would be ok. He said he didn't think of it from my perspective.

 

2. That's not a bad idea. I'll have to look into that to see how much it costs. Money is tight right now.

 

3. I talked to him about finding other friends. He says he has a hard time making friends, has a hard time fitting in. He's ashamed of his insecurities and self esteem issues, and comes from a physical and sexually abusive childhood, and abused drugs through his teens and early 20s. I should have probably mentioned that. Sorry y'all.

 

He says most guys act up when their wives/girlfriends aren't around, so it's hard to find guys to hang out with who don't do that. I don't prevent him from going out or having friends in any way, but I've told him in the past about specific people that I *don't* want him hanging out anywhere with for various reasons, and he's been ok with it. It seems like there's always some quirk about new guy friends that ends up being a problem, if my husband gets along with them at all. And I don't mean like, leaving your socks on the floor.

 

I mean like, our neighbors across the street seemed very cool for a minute. They were close to us in age, had kids about the same age, shared workout tips etc.... but it turns out one day my husband went over there to hang out and he was bragging to the group of guy friends about how he was always having threesomes with his wife and her best friend, and how it was awesome and pretty much encouraging everyone else to try it.

 

I was like O_o. Their bedroom scenarios are none of my business, and I'd prefer to keep it that way. lol. I told my husband, I would reaaally prefer it if he kept their friendship topical.... because their values were not matching up with the kind of things we agree with.

 

Then the husband started taking steroids, went crazy, and his wife left him with their baby. Then they moved away. Soooo yeah.

 

I want him to have friends, just ones that aren't going to get him into trouble. He's always gravitated towards bad people, as he was a wild child and was partying up until about 4 years ago.

 

He has several friends that I like, and are a good influence on him. Since they work and have kids and whatnot, scheduling is somewhat of a bear. Last night I reached out to them on facebook to schedule a cookout on Wed night.

 

I'm hoping it won't take drastic measures to get him squared away and out of these bad habits. Maybe surrounding himself with good people will be enough to rub off on him. If he has a problem with mirroring other people, at least he'll be mirroring positive things that over time will replace his bad habits.

 

I'm pretty patient when it comes to things like this I think. I know I'm not perfect, and he's given me a lot of grace when it comes to my crap. After talking with him, it seems like although certain things come naturally to us, he hasn't spent a whole lot of time "being on the right path" and making morally and socially acceptable choices. So this "doing the right thing" is fairly new to him.

 

His boss, who is also his mentor, has been a huge help. His boss has been 20 years clean after being a crack addict for most of his teens and 20s, and is now a multi-millionaire and a business owner.

 

He reinforces the things I've been telling my husband. He's flat out told my husband that he's at a point where he can no longer be promoted unless he changes how he interacts with people. He needs him to step up and become a manager, with which comes a huge pay increase, but unless he changes his aggressive behavior, and the way he talks to people, he won't give him the position. I think that really drove home the point I've been trying to make with him.

[TripLine]

I assume you knew what you were getting married to so why bother fussing now? You are trying to change his personality and I don't think it will change. You can try to be passive aggressive and turn the tables by embarrassing your husband as well.

[BetheButterfly]

1. She is a very nice lady. I have no problems with his wife, and talk to her when her husband isn't around. Her husband doesn't work either, so that limits when that actually happens. He took off on her about a month back, and she came over crying, and I talked to her for about an hour. She's at a loss. They have three kids together, one of which is 15 and just had her second baby. Perfect example of what happens when kids have a sh*theel father figure (sorry guys). I had a calm conversation with my husband about it last night, and told him just that. I explained why I'm uncomfortable being over there, and that I don't want to go any more. He said he understood, and agreed that would be ok. He said he didn't think of it from my perspective.

 

I'm glad that you have been there for her. It sounds like she has a difficult life. That's great that you talked with your husband and he seemed understanding!!!

 

2. That's not a bad idea. I'll have to look into that to see how much it costs. Money is tight right now.

 

Yeah...

 

3. I talked to him about finding other friends. He says he has a hard time making friends, has a hard time fitting in. He's ashamed of his insecurities and self esteem issues, and comes from a physical and sexually abusive childhood, and abused drugs through his teens and early 20s. I should have probably mentioned that. Sorry y'all.

 

So he has a lot of stuff to sort through and heal from... I'm sorry for thinking divorce first thing.

 

He says most guys act up when their wives/girlfriends aren't around, so it's hard to find guys to hang out with who don't do that. I don't prevent him from going out or having friends in any way, but I've told him in the past about specific people that I *don't* want him hanging out anywhere with for various reasons, and he's been ok with it. It seems like there's always some quirk about new guy friends that ends up being a problem, if my husband gets along with them at all. And I don't mean like, leaving your socks on the floor.

 

I mean like, our neighbors across the street seemed very cool for a minute. They were close to us in age, had kids about the same age, shared workout tips etc.... but it turns out one day my husband went over there to hang out and he was bragging to the group of guy friends about how he was always having threesomes with his wife and her best friend, and how it was awesome and pretty much encouraging everyone else to try it.

 

There are guys who aren't like that. Even though of course since I'm a woman I don't know what they talk about when there are no women around, but the main place where there are no women around (usually) is when they go fishing. I have been on fishing trips with them and they don't talk alot. They enjoy the peace and serenity of being in nature. They enjoy the human silence and listening to the birds, crickets, and frogs, which is awesome.

 

Hey! Does he have friends who enjoy fishing or hiking? There is something soothing and healing about spending time outdoors away from houses!

 

I was like O_o. Their bedroom scenarios are none of my business, and I'd prefer to keep it that way. lol. I told my husband, I would reaaally prefer it if he kept their friendship topical.... because their values were not matching up with the kind of things we agree with.

 

Then the husband started taking steroids, went crazy, and his wife left him with their baby. Then they moved away. Soooo yeah.

 

That's very sad.

 

I want him to have friends, just ones that aren't going to get him into trouble. He's always gravitated towards bad people, as he was a wild child and was partying up until about 4 years ago.

 

He has several friends that I like, and are a good influence on him. Since they work and have kids and whatnot, scheduling is somewhat of a bear. Last night I reached out to them on facebook to schedule a cookout on Wed night.

 

Great!!! A cookout with friends who are a good influence = super idea!

 

I'm hoping it won't take drastic measures to get him squared away and out of these bad habits. Maybe surrounding himself with good people will be enough to rub off on him. If he has a problem with mirroring other people, at least he'll be mirroring positive things that over time will replace his bad habits.

 

True. I hope so!

 

I'm pretty patient when it comes to things like this I think. I know I'm not perfect, and he's given me a lot of grace when it comes to my crap. After talking with him, it seems like although certain things come naturally to us, he hasn't spent a whole lot of time "being on the right path" and making morally and socially acceptable choices. So this "doing the right thing" is fairly new to him.

 

Patience is a virtue

 

His boss, who is also his mentor, has been a huge help. His boss has been 20 years clean after being a crack addict for most of his teens and 20s, and is now a multi-millionaire and a business owner.

 

He reinforces the things I've been telling my husband. He's flat out told my husband that he's at a point where he can no longer be promoted unless he changes how he interacts with people. He needs him to step up and become a manager, with which comes a huge pay increase, but unless he changes his aggressive behavior, and the way he talks to people, he won't give him the position. I think that really drove home the point I've been trying to make with him.

 

His boss does sound like an inspiration and I'm glad that he has him as a role model and mentor! I wish y'all the best! It's great that you love him and are there for him, and i very much hope that he grows!