She's cheated and moving out. Wtf

[David84]

Hello,

 

Im 28 her 25. She just moved in after 3 years of dating. Been living together for 3 monthes. Had our anniversary 2 weeks before the split. This girl was in love with me. Like her eyes pierced your soul when she said it daily. Always asking if we were gonna get married the whole deal. I did everything for her. Treated her like a princess. The only time we argued was when I brought up her lack of sex drive. But it was always just who she was but I hoped it would increase a little once we were in a place alone. I've had a few 2-3 year relationships.

 

She came home from a week vacation with her family and Gf. I missed her like crazy. Had the evening planned out, flowers, clean house ect. She walks in the door and tells me she's not in love. I was floored. Totally blindsided. She stayed for 3 days and got colder and colder towards me. I told her I wanted to be with her she never gave me any reasons for not wanting to work on it. I'm a great guy, just needs to live alone ect. I finally drew a line when she brushed off my touch in bed and wouldn't respond to my I love yous. She was looking for a place to move for the 15th. She decided to go to her sisters for the weekend to think. I told her if she leaves it's over. I still was baffled as to why?

 

She left and I didn't hear from her until Monday. I took steps for myself after a hard week. I removed her from social media and joined a free dating site to help with the lonelyness. Just conversation I'm still deeply in love. On Monday she tells me she wasn't a good girlfriend. Was flirting with a guy. Tells me this guy took her to a concert on Friday but nothing happened. She found out about me on dating site and looses it begging for me back. I'm devastated she left me for another guy. I feel like there must be more to it for such a quick ship jumping.

I told her it wasn't going to work for me now. Go be with your new dude. She begged for two days to come home. I finally tell her to come talk and she tells me that evening wasn't good for her. I honestly was baffled because of her desperation to see me and talk. I figure she was with the new guy and couldn't leave. I initiated no contact. And politely asked her family for assistance with her furniture and clothing to be moved from our place. Her family was supportive and will be collecting her things tomorrow. I haven't told them details about anything.

 

My ex contacted me for the first time in 6 days early this morning about moving her stuff and moving and also about her missing me, thinking about me everyday, loving me, please don't shut me out, not happier without me,

Believes that time will bring me back still denies this guy is anything. I was blunt and too the point staying on topic about the move tomorrow and financial stuff.

I finally gave in and asked her to talk and come see me. Explain how she can say she still wants to work on us after I had wanted that from the beginning.

I haven't heard a response in 6 hours. I don't understand. It's hard because we were awesome together and there were no signs from her never a complaint. It's hard cause her stuff needs to be moved out but I think it's still a sign it's not over for me. It's hard cause shes making contact and saying the right things then dropping me. I just don't understand. I'm nervous about tomorrow. Any advice would be amazing. I've been reading this board lots the last 2 weeks for support and insight.

 

Dave

[Occu3.14'd]

Dave bud,

 

I'm sorry for you man. I know how awful a feeling it is to have it end seemingly out of the blue.

 

But it has to start somewhere. She probably had all these thoughts in her head, but didn't know how to say anything.

 

Then, by going away on vacation, she had time to think about things without any influence from your presence.

 

You need to just give it time and see.

 

Again, my heart breaks for you

[David84]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I've been civil and want to show her/family that I'm a great guy till the end of the move but I feel it will be hard to see her leave.

 

I don't know how to proceed and if it's even right to feel like this can be readdressed in the future. I feel I will continue no contact after the move but It pains me to hear her saying regretfully things yet when asked to act upon them she vanishes.

 

I don't know what to take away as a learning experience. Our relationship was great and I felt like we both were in this for good and wanted the same things. I felt like she loved me even more than I loved her. How can I grow from something without any answers as to why another guy stole her attention so dramatically. It hurts because he is also 23. Much younger.

 

Thanks again.

[StrangeBehaviors]

When you are there, she wants to withdraw and treat you like dirt.

 

When you draw the line and tell her no more, she wants you back.

 

 

Learning anything? Wanna' keep doing this? 'Cause that's what's gonna' happen.

 

She is f#@ked in the head. Smile at her, tell her she doesn't exist anymore, and go about your life like you never knew her.

 

She'll try to play with you. FB pictures with someone knew. Make sure she runs into someone you know with a guy. All kinds of stuff.

 

That's what people that are f#@ked in the head do.

 

She's dead to you.

[KatZee]

 

She absolutely was cheating in some form before ending it with you. Whether it be emotional or physical. This new guy is absolutely the reason for her sudden jump of ship, and as a girl I can tell you this isn't "out of the blue." At least not for her. Girls do NOT if ever leave relationships unless, 1. They've thought it completely through, have weighed pros/cons, and/or 2. Have someone waiting for them on the other side.

 

She continues to contact you out of guilt. Nothing more. She's tossing all the breadcrumbs at you. "I miss you" "I still think about you" "I'm not happier without you" and then the second you respond, and show her you're still there, still willing to talk, still willing to work it out, she goes MIA. That's a classic "breadcrumber." When it's validated that you're still waiting, she's free to continue exploring her new life. You're still on a string, waiting for her to make the next move. As long as she knows you're still on the back burner, the longer she's free to do what she wishes.

 

You need to remain consistent in talking to her. Do not ask her to talk. Do not discuss anything beyond her moving her crap out. Deal with her until her stuff is gone, and go into complete NC. There's no reason for you to have her new guy shoved in your face, or to hear her moaning and whining. SHE chose to end it. SHE chose to move out. SHE chose to be with a new person. You owe her nothing.

[Pod81]

Remember that actions speak MUCH louder than words. She says things like I miss you, thinking about you, please don't shut me out, etc etc but where are the actions to back this up? She hasn't responded to you and there is absolutely no sense of ANY urgency on her end! Does this sound like someone who truly does miss and love you? She's just telling you things that YOU want to hear because she's selfish and wants to relieve her guilt, as Katzee said. If I were you, I'd drop off her stuff somewhere else just so you don't have to see her. Drop her like a rock, wish her well, and go NC. Below are some threads that have helped me cope with a similar situation.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/279056-dumped-someone-g-i-g-s-all-your-questions-answered-within-thread

[David84]

Hey!

 

I'd really like to thank all of you for the responses. I just joined a men's soccer team and have been doing my best to stay active and reconnect with friends. In my head and heart I know and hear all the things you are saying to be true. It's not my first significant separation, however this was my first true adult separation having moved in and built our careers and lives together. I will be checking out the links posted. I'm feeling pretty ****ty going home to an empty house. The thought of her having someone to take her mind of everything bothers me even thou it's out of my control.

 

I really appreciate the support and being able to just talk to clear out my head over and over to get me back focused on the facts. I'm really dreading the emotions that will come tomorrow with her family there to help her move. Part of me wants to call her out and the other part wants to lay it all out for everyone to see. Her family loved me and I feel like she hasn't told them what's really happened. I also know it's just trivial and petty. And calling her out for her actions and hurt won't make her run back and have a healthy relationship.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions of how to handle things tomorrow? How to cope once the door is closed and my home is half empty? I will be having my brother come by immediately after to just be around and talk out anything I feel and just support me. I feel like I go throu cycles and forget I did nothing to deserve this amount of hurting.

 

The only message I sent her with any feeling was telling her if she really missed me and hoped time would bring me back to her, if she truly wasnt happier if she really thought about me everyday and loved me then to come see me one last night. I feel like **** that I gave that too her after 6 days NC. Of course the conversation stopped. I find myself hoping to hear from her now tonight. I won't. I haven't before. The cycle continued.

 

Is there anything should say or do before going NC. I already have a iblacklist on my phone. I will no be in contact with her but it always bothers me that she doesnt respond to my lack of contact. I guess thats pretty normal. I just feel like there must be one last conversation or way to say goodbye in person when shes leaving. I dont want to replay it over and wish i hadnt or had said or done it differently. Again, thanks for listening and I look forward to your supportive replies! It's really helping me! This whole situation is just messed up. Three weeks of emotions and feeling lost.

Edited July 24, 2012 by David84

[David84]

I just need some help dealing on how to deal with her moving today...

[Sugarkane]

Hey Dave I'm sorry to hear this. You said you've had more than one 2-3 year relationships. Where are guys like you hiding?

[Ruby65]

Is there any way you can NOT be there when she's moving out?

[David84]

It's not really an option. I don't trust her in my home alone for the last time. I also offered her dad help with the lifting because it shouldn't be his burden. I'm just going to pack most of her belongings in garbage bags and hope were done before she arrives after work. I gave myself an hour to at least have most of it done just me and him. She will have to figure out money with me tonight too so there will be some need to talk.

[Ruby65]

Do you have a friend who could be there to help the dad and supervise her presence instead of you? Money issues can be handled by phone or email.

[Chi townD]

Okay, first thing. She's not being honest with you. Something happened. A girl doesn't just throw away a relationship for "flirting" with another dude. No girl just gets up and leaves for flirting. A girl doesn't give up her man and her place and gives you the cold shoulder for "flirting". Something substanal happened in order for her to do that.

 

Now, that she realizes you you're moving on and I suspect that the other dude just "hit it and quit it", the dude isn't interested in a relationship; NOW, she's in damage control.

 

Dude, she made the choice to leave. That was her choice, not yours. So, she has to live with the consequences of her actions. When people on here go NC, normally, we say that if your Ex contacts you and says, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake and I will do anything for a second chance." Anything else is breadcrumbs. If she meets up with you a and starts talking about a "friendship" Well, I'm sure you didn't get into a loving and caring relationship only to take a step back and be viewed as nothing more than a really good friend.

 

Choice is your's on what you want to do. But, I still believe that your not getting the full story on what's going on. And if you decide to get back with her, you're going back into a relationship that is holding some secrets in it.

[David84]

Just received another message from her this morning.

 

"I went to my parents last night to figure things out. I believe they are going to rent me the suite. I don't believe out issues will be solved by "a night" together I think that just is hard on us both. I think once I am settled if we are going to work on it then we need to rebuild from the Start, not just sleeping together. I will probably be over about 530 with my pa to pack things"

 

She just moved from her parents into my condo 3 monthes ago.

 

I responded with "There is nothing to work on. You think the grass is greener on the other side.*

I have done nothing but love you whole heatedly. You have cheated on me. Lied to me. Hurt me. Your actions have spoken much louder than any of your words. You want to see what else is out there and have fun again, have fun and best of luck to you. I don't need to start over from the start. There is no reason for me too. This is your issue. After today I will be going back to no contact for good. It's the only way I can disconnect from this, heal and move on. One day, probably a year or two from now you will understand what you did here."

 

I have very mixed emotions. Is this girl ****ed in the head all of a sudden or what? Why would I start from the begging? She never has told me what I did wrong to cause her to "be a bad girlfriend and flirt with other guys" before snap leaving.

[Ruby65]

You haven't done anything wrong. You've nailed it perfectly: she's got GIGS.

 

I agree she's not telling you the truth about her involvement with this other guy.

 

This is all about her trying to manipulate things so she can withhold information and keep you on the back burner in case she changes her mind later on.

[antelope82]

i posted my story on another thread, but i am going through the same thing. started talking to her again after a week of NC and she did something really stupid and drove home drunk and now, and called me. I wouldnt have picked up other than the fact that she had just drunk texted me that she was driving home drunk. I told her basicially the same thing you said, that she'll never find the one if she keeps thinking the grass is greener in her relationships, friends, workplace, etc. so go have fun and waste your time getting nowhere.

 

She now wants to seek psychotherapy to help her with her issues. She's got GIGS, whether she knows it or not. She left me because she thought she wasn't sure that this was the best she could get even though we never had any major issues, and she never said a bad thing about me to her family friends etc.

 

Now I'm going through this... what the heck do I do thing as well. She wants me to help her find help, and I said OK because I want her to be happy with or without me. She deserves it, even though she did screw me over big time.

[David84]

I think NC is the only thing that will help.

Can't wait for the stress of today to be over.

She's been msging all day about petty things. Trying to hold out on returning items until a later date. I told her she doesn't exist for me after today and that she is ****ed. I feel guilty for being rude because she's still telling me she can't just stop talking to me and I just don't understand.

 

Tomorrow will be day one.

I've decided to remain stone faced during the move. Say nothing of value or importance. Give her nothing. Tell her take care as I close the door. I'll set one week. Two week. Four week and Eight week NC goals. Hope by then I will at least have met someone new to spend time and conversate with.

[Frank13]

She walks in the door and tells me she's not in love.

 

Believe this. This is how she feels.

 

She found out about me on dating site and looses it begging for me back.

 

Don't believe this. This is her bruised ego talking.

 

She begged for two days to come home.

 

Don't believe this. Again, this is her bruised ego talking.

 

I finally tell her to come talk and she tells me that evening wasn't good for her.

 

She got the ego stroke from you and validation that you still want her so she no longer needed to come back to you.

 

I honestly was baffled because of her desperation to see me and talk. I figure she was with the new guy and couldn't leave.

 

Nope, if she begged you to come back and was serious, then she would have dumped the new guy and came back. It's not that she couldn't leave. You gave her the ego stroke she craved so was now okay to not come back.

 

My ex contacted me for the first time in 6 days early this morning about moving her stuff and moving and also about her missing me, thinking about me everyday, loving me, please don't shut me out, not happier without me,

Believes that time will bring me back still denies this guy is anything.

 

Don't believe this. This is her ego talking.

 

I finally gave in and asked her to talk and come see me.

I haven't heard a response in 6 hours.

 

Again, she got the ego stroke from you and validation that you still want her so she no longer needed to come back to you.

 

Are you seeing a pattern here?

 

I don't understand.

 

Read what I wrote. She doesn't want you unless you don't want her. It is all about her ego. The only way she wants you is if you don't want her. If you want her, then she doesn't want you. Can you see how this is never going to work?

 

It's hard cause shes making contact and saying the right things then dropping me. I just don't understand.

 

This is not a confused women. This is a selfish, horrible person. She doesn't want you. She just doesn't want you to not want her.

Edited July 24, 2012 by Frank13

[Chi townD]

I'll set one week. Two week. Four week and Eight week NC goals. Hope by then I will at least have met someone new to spend time and conversate with.

 

 

Bad idea! Don't set a date as to when you start dating again. Start dating when your ready and completely healed from this. If your still harboring feelings and anger towards her. Or your still thinking about her, then that wouldn't be fair to you and definately not to the girl you would be dating. She would deserve you at your best, not someone that is still hurting and fractured. Don't make her a rebound.

[Frank13]

Bad idea! Don't set a date as to when you start dating again. Start dating when your ready and completely healed from this. If your still harboring feelings and anger towards her. Or your still thinking about her, then that wouldn't be fair to you and definately not to the girl you would be dating. She would deserve you at your best, not someone that is still hurting and fractured. Don't make her a rebound.

 

I believe his dates were goals for staying NC. He is hoping to meet someone new to spend time with and have conversations with. He may be speaking only of finding a friend to occupy his time.

 

Setting smaller NC goals is great and helps people maintain NC. Finding other people or things to occupy his time is also great. I do agree you with if he is talking about dating.

[g450]

You posted:

 

I finally tell her to come talk and she tells me that evening wasn't good for her.

 

Did you catch that? Things weret good for "her". In other words she is selfish. It's all about her, her, her.

 

Things with the new guy fell through so she is pitty partying her way back to you so you can support her. What a sweet girl! I sure hope you can see through that BS.

 

Best thing you can do is ignore her. She is a user. Nothing more. There is nothing in it for you. Millions of other fish in the sea. Why play head games with this one?

[David84]

So her dad and her came to move her stuff. I helped her father with the heavy furniture and never made eye contact with her. Once he left she tried to talk but I just let her pack. She asked for help and I declined. She got angry and told me she would have other people come and help and they would be guys. I lost my cool and had a quick heated exchange of words. Weve never gotten like that before and as there was just a flood of emotions and she kissed me with so much feeling. I'm only human, I'm hurting, it had been over a week I hadn't seen her. We ended up having the best sex of what was our relationship in all aspects.

 

Which is also pretty typical at the end. She was really upset that I was going no contact. Shes moving back home but into the basement suite which is a pretty good choice. Wants to be single but wants to work and date me. Suggested having a sex only relationship. I declined. NC will help once we no longer have to deal with this move. I won't be seeing her in person unless by choice. I hope I'm stronger than that. I'm not really angry anymore, still hurt but I can understand that she is and needs to do this. I feel her intent to hurt me wasn't there she just met someone who made her question things enough to leave. I feel like she cheated while with me but that's trivial since she's leaving anyways. She knows I feel that way and it's why i can't be with her.

 

I intend to have no contact after tomorrow. She still has one car load of stuff and financials to deal with afterwork. She had way more than anticipated. We haven't contacted each other since she left nothing to say no point. I think it will be a pretty Solom goodbye and her last plea to not go no contact but I have to let it her go. There's nothing here right now and more than not will never be again unless time is good to us both. I've never had it happen thou. It's gonna sink in once I know I'm starting NC. Addictions of the mind and heart. Thanks for listening and posting. Again this helps a lot. Knowing the grass is always greener syndrome stuff has helped a lot and seemingly brought some closure because I've gotten cold feet or transitioned from a pair of girls when I was in my 20-25. No real reason just a few that we're good enough. Still cared about them. Wanted them around for an easier transition but always cared about the new one more. The old was just good top up feelings. Its not fair but how can I be a hypocrite that it's happening here. Recognize and Deal with it.

Edited July 25, 2012 by David84

[David84]

Yep. Waking up really hurting.

*Sigh*

[David84]

So tonight is the last I will see of her. I understand she has gigs and the honeymoon was over for both of us. I will miss her and hold onto the thought of making it work until it fades with time. I've accepted this. She had met someone else while her feelings were uncertain and it was enough for her to leave after acting on it. She wants to have friends with benefits and relive the honeymoon stage with me. Start over. I feel like I can't if she's unwilling to commit to just an us. I feel like its just a ploy until shes secure with her new guy. Theres still passion and love between us. We both felt it last night as we had what will most likely be the best and final sex of the relationship. When we first got together we dated for 9 monthes then I got cold feet. Met someone. Got gigs myself I guess. She never knew I just called it off. She stuck around and fought for me, stayed with me physically and after 3 months I was glad she had because I realized I had made an error. That was 2 years ago. I just don't know what my final words should be or if I should fight like she did for me until she realized like I did this was special. I've told her I'm going no contact after today and I understand what's happening. She doesn't want no contact. Should I tell her that if she decides she wants this back that I need more than words. I need actions and an apology? Do I tell her she knows where to find me if she really needs me more than texts or emails? I'm dreading this. What a swinging of feelings thoughts and emotions this week has been...

Edited July 25, 2012 by David84

[David84]

Just thought I would update how things went. I find myself on this site quite a bit reading for support. She came and get the last if her boxes yesterday. I helped her take them down. Very civil. She was calling me babe and passionately kissing me telling me she loved me. Very odd behavior for a girl who has a new boy that she has admitted to now being physical with and spending a lot of time with. It's been 2 weeks...

 

I hugged her, told her to take care and that I was sorry. She told me she would message me later. Very nieve that my apology was for cutting her completely from my life from that moment forward. I never returned I love you's. As I turned to walk in the building I could tell she was kinda stunned I wasnt going to cry as she drove into the sunset.

 

I have initiated NC. She's been blocked on social media for 2 weeks now. I have iblacklisted her and all her associates numbers, private and blocked calls. It responds with the message "this isn't to hurt you. Your not in love anymore and I'm not there yet. I need space and time to disconnect emotionally. You will always be special to me. I hope nothing but the best for you and your family. Take care. I turned the history off because I found myself wanting to check to see if she's contacting me. Part of me wants her to come beg but I also know things will never be what they were. She never tried to salvage the relationship nor tell me she was unhappy.

 

Wonder if I'll hear from her. Either way she needs to do what she needs to do and I need to do me hurt or not.