Whats the best way to go if you actually do want to get back with your ex

[ZhaoZilong5]

I am sorry that I have to say this, but that will absolutely not work. When a woman makes a decision, she will have calculated her options over and over to make sure that she knows exactly what she wants. She made up her mind that the relationship was currently not working, and your attempt to pull her back in will only push her away.

 

False. It can work, just very, very unlikely. Since each break-up is different, then they all need to be assessed individually. The only two break-ups that I have personally known to reconcile were through constant contact, and even flowers were given. With that said however, if you assessed your situation but couldn't find a solution, then go NC for a month at the absolute minimum. NC is the only action that will never damage your chances of reconciliation.

 

Don't let this breakup make you take your relationships with other people for granted. Family and good friends are a bit different from your average girlfriend; they typically will not leave you.

 

It's unlikely that he'll take anything for granted since he'll be re-evaluating with his life. Keep in mind that you can depend on your family and friends, but only for so much. During my BU, it was the first time I ever opened up to people for emotional support. I lost most of my friends, and I haven't seen my family in 3 weeks. I had family who didn't understand modern dating, and friends who only thought of themselves. I saw everything that was wrong with my ex after the BU (there wasn't much...she just needed to emotionally mature), and I helped a friend who was going through the same thing. These other friends definitely were not happy, because now everybody knows they ****ed my friend's BF. I'll admit it; I threw them under the bus to save somebody else from a ****ty life. Post-BU is all about YOU. NC is about YOU. Take a good look at EVERYTHING, not just the BU. If you have friends that you've known for years that need to be cut out of your life because they're bad people, then do it now. You're already feeling as worse as possible now, so now is the time to completely clean up your life.

 

So I beg you, please do not do anything in your power to influence or manipulate her to come back to you. By not contacting, speaking, or meeting up with her, she may come back to "test you out," or to see if she is interested in you.

 

This is ironic, because NC/LC itself is game-playing. In an ideal world, we'd be able to be 100% up-front with our partners and be who we are and do what we want to do. NC/LC are things that in *most* cases don't come naturally to people. They came naturally to me when I was younger without me actually knowing what they were.

 

The reason why we go NC is to heal, but it has the psychological effect of making our exes miss what they were used to having. The reason why we go LC instead of communication is to not risk pressuring the ex and thus make them more comfortable. We give them bread crumbs to keep them coming back for more.

 

How are NC/LC/NIC NOT games? Don't get me wrong, I'm a firm believer of them, but it's silly to not admit that they're games because let's face it...we do it to psychologically affect our ex's subconscious without her/him realizing it.

 

Why do you guys think is she sending me this? Should i call her back and find out?

(My intentions are to eventually unite with her,Replying to this msg or continuing to ignore her whichever puts me in a stronger position i will do what you guys reccomend)

 

I'm assuming you're the dumpee. This is just another bread crumb. If she wanted to reconcile, then she would have been upfront about it. This is where you would go LC if you've fully, emotionally healed. However, I'm almost sure that you haven't, so ignore it and stick with NC. Since your intentions are reconciliation, ignoring this bread crumb will show her that she can't pull you back whenever she wants. She'll have to deal with living her life without you, somebody that was comfortable and familiar to her. You'll become a mystery so that when LC does eventually happen, then it'll be like dating anew again, and that's what you want.

 

NC until you've 100% healed, then go LC would be my route.

Edited July 29, 2012 by ZhaoZilong5

[lemonlime]

That whole try to make someone jealous manipulation tactic doesnt always work with everyone. If you both really still love each other, that could be the last straw that convinces someone to not come back. This is especially true if your sleeping with other people. For a lot of people, that is something they cant move past.

[leoc1973]

That whole try to make someone jealous manipulation tactic doesnt always work with everyone. If you both really still love each other, that could be the last straw that convinces someone to not come back. This is especially true if your sleeping with other people. For a lot of people, that is something they cant move past.

 

OH I am not saying sleep with another guy. But if your ex thinks you are starting to like another guy and that sleeping with him is becoming a very real possibility then he will come running back. I am assuming if he REALLY loves you. A (normal) guy cannot take this. He just can't. No matter how stubborn or how rational or weather he is a deep thinker or an idiot he's still a man and its wired in our dna.

 

But me personally. I tried to get my ex back for 6 months. I knew she was dating and from what she had said at the time none of them were serious. She is also not the type to jump in bed with anyone right away. So as I thought maybe she might be liking a guy here or there and thinking of her with another man on top of her(ugh this is what I mean) I got more and more desperate but you are right when I found out that she was intimate with someone else that was the last straw.

 

I have seriously seen tons of guys go from "I am done with her" "I hate her guts" to "she is my world" "I am going to die if I don't get her back"... Its like a switch gets tripped. I have seen dozens of guys I am close to go through it and have been on the other end of dating a girl and seeing her ex go from throwing her away for a new girl to threatening to kill me or her or himself.

[Libra85]

Originally Posted by Libra85

Why do you guys think is she sending me this? Should i call her back and find out?

(My intentions are to eventually unite with her,Replying to this msg or continuing to ignore her whichever puts me in a stronger position i will do what you guys reccomend)

I'm assuming you're the dumpee. This is just another bread crumb. If she wanted to reconcile, then she would have been upfront about it. This is where you would go LC if you've fully, emotionally healed. However, I'm almost sure that you haven't, so ignore it and stick with NC. Since your intentions are reconciliation, ignoring this bread crumb will show her that she can't pull you back whenever she wants. She'll have to deal with living her life without you, somebody that was comfortable and familiar to her. You'll become a mystery so that when LC does eventually happen, then it'll be like dating anew again, and that's what you want.

 

NC until you've 100% healed, then go LC would be my route.

 

Heres the million dollar question she sent me a text two weeks after i told her im not ready to be her friend and i dont want to talk on the phone for the moment.The text said "Call me when you get a chance.There is something i need to tell you that i didnt two weeks ago".

If she really was trying to reconcile how would i know? Nobody will send you a text message saying i want to get back together with you.

If this text was intended to get me back it would be the greatest regret if i knew that she told me she wanted to get back..I would regret it a year from know

[Libra85]

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[lil hoodlum]

Does anyone have any suggestions?

 

 

If she truely wants to get back with you, I doubt becuase you don't respond to her text that it would be your one and only shot at this.

 

I need to realize that you are the prize, not her! If she hasn't figured that out then maybe she still needs some time to grow up and think about things. Imagine you just won the lottery and are now $10billion richer. Wouldn't you expect her to really put forth more effort into reconcilliation?

 

Just hang in there and remain strong. If she really wants you back, I would think she would let you know.

 

Good luck!

[ZhaoZilong5]

It's unlikely that if she wanted to get back together with you, then she'd mention it was something she wanted to tell you two weeks ago. It would be more along the lines of, "Can we talk?" or something vague but with no time attachment to it.

 

Something two weeks ago sounds like it slipped her mind. It is possible that it's a reconciliation message, just unlikely.

 

Whatever, just ask her what it is. Ignore it if it's not relevant. At least you'll know whether or not similar messages in the future are bread crumbs or not.

[Libra85]

Yeah its been a week since she sent me that text telling me that there is something she wanted to tell me two weeks ago.I sent her a text back a couple days later telling her that i think it is best that she email me whatever it is that she wanted to tell me.I have not heard anything back from her yet and have really been curious about this and it has been lingering in my mind.I am suprised that she hasn't emailed me about what she wanted to tell me.I want to call her and find out but since i already asked her to email me i don't want to look weak.

[Twins]

You told her to e-mail and you chose not to call. So now the ball is in her court. Be patient. It's hard we all know.

[Libra85]

Yeah its been almost two weeks since i sent her the text to email me what she wanted to say..she hasn't replied or called should i give her more time or call her and tell her that i was waiting for your email and i haven't heard anything.

[Libra85]

Update

 

I called her a couple days ago to find out what it was that she wanted to tell me that she didnt tell me two weeks ago..We agreed to meet in person and talk about this.In addition,she seemed very friendly on the phone and also told me that she has many dates but doesnt know what to do with them..I want to know how i should approach the meetup if my goal is to reconcile..Should i treat her like a friend or hit on her?

[salmagundi]

I don't know man, do you think she has ignored you the past few weeks and then when YOU finally contact her she tells you she has more men on the go than she knows what to do with to encourage you?

 

You should not have broken NC. The ball was in her court...but now she knows the dog is still on the leash. Why are you not making her put any effort into this? Why are you doing all the work for so little reward? You realize that if you HADN'T contacted her first and she didn't contact you...you win right? Because you would be moving on right now. Its like she doesn't have to string you along...you're stringing yourself along at this point...

 

Not to be harsh and obviously I hope I'm wrong...

[Libra85]

I contacted her because she contacted me first. I specifically told her that i am not ready to be friends yet.However, 4 weeks ago she sent me a text saying theres something i need to tell you that i shouls have told me two weeks ago.So thats why i replied..i can always go back to NC but i was genuinely curious about what she had to say.So when we talked on the phone she said she would rather tell me in person but it doesn't really matter anyway.The "it doesn't really matter if i tell you in person or on the phone" thing is making me wonder if it has to do with reconciling.But i am supposed to meet up with her today.How should i approach this?Should i take her out to dinner or should it be strictly business

[AlexfromBoston]

if i actually do want to get back with my EX Gf,what is the best way to go about this.I was wondering what strategies worked for some of you guys here NC? being friends at first?

 

Personally, I have a system that works approx 70-80 % of the time(providing I didn't get caught cheating).

 

1. I lay it on thick and explain to her why I deserve another chance. I basically beg for her forgiveness without losing my masculinity. This shows her you care.

 

2. Go NC for approx 1 week(2-3 depending on the nature of the break) and avoid ANY contact with her. Even if she initiates it.

 

3. Send her a "1 last contact" email following the week of NC. Let her know you care for her, you'll always be there for her and let her know you understand that her decision was for the best.

 

4. If she contacts you know is the time to initiate a LC scenario. Maybe sporatically text her to see how she is doing but don't overdo it. Maybe a simple "good morning, have a nice day" text. If she initiates keep convo to a minimum and don't talk on the phone for any more than a few minutes. Let her know you're busy.

 

5. Eventually, attempt to arrange a "catch-up" date at a nearby coffee shop, bar etc. Dress how she would like you to dress and act as how you were on your first date(whether it be shy, confident, etc). Keep this meeting to a minimum and focus all of your attention to her. Don't even glance at another women.

 

6. Attempt to set up some more "friendy dates" but dress to the 9's and look your best. I shamefully admit that I actually fasted and applied a light coat of makeup to chisel out my face and hide noticable blemishes. At this point you're dressing to attract another female and you should occasionally glance around the room. It is important to act slightly more distant and more colder as the dates progress. Ideally, you will want to avoid some of her texts and call her back at your earliest conveinance.

 

For me, this little game has made my ex's think that I was ready to move on and due to my appearance, I would be rather successful at attracting another female. If you want her back, fight for it. Remember, "All is fair in love AND war".

[Libra85]

So we got together and i took her out for dinner.During dinner she told me what she wanted to tell me when she asked me to call her in that text.She told me that the thing she wanted to tell me was that the reason she broke up with me was that i should date more woman and sleep with more girls..Really?She broke up with me because she wants me to date other women..wtf i thought to myself and i said to her "I don't need to prove my love to you by dating other women then returning then returning with you""If i want to be with a person i want to be with them.I felt humiliating after this especially when she told me that i should remember to wear a condom..I felt like she was trying to mess with my brain because this is not what you typically tell someone after you break up with me.Our last convo 2 weeks ago i told her im not ready to be friends with you and went NC for the last two weeks and only called her to respond to her message..Iam starting to think if it would of made a difference if i stayed NC and didnt even pay attention to her message..I suckered myself into thinking she wanted to reconcile..

[Coyoteloco]

ok man if she wants u to sleep with other women, tell her too hook u up with one of her friends, or to get u a threesome with another girl ;D .

[Libra85]

So now i am thinking that i need to go NC for at least 3 months to have any chance.She said that she wants to date other men to find out if i am the right person.I am ok with this because i also want to **** other women while she is doing this.But ultimately i do want to be with her.

[salmagundi]

So...you are going to allow her to sleep with a bunch of other men in order for her to figure out if she's really into you or not? You are capable of being in love with a manipulative, selfish twat who is actually capable of saying this to you and thinking it is alright?

 

Are you insane? At any rate, I can see this is going to be a really long thread.

 

Good Luck!