Crap! Looked @ his FB page!

[TrebleClef]

Why did I do that to myself?!?

 

I'm logged in to FB I get this notion to type in his name. His name is so unique that I only had to type two letters and there it was...his page. He's changed his profile pic to a more current pic, updated his status to single, and has his ph# on full display (so, not like him). He's smiling looking amazing on the pic and has on one of the outfits that I've always told him he looks amazing in.

 

It brought back every detail of his last dumping to the forefront. I replayed the entire scene from the proposal to my question, to his ignoring me/walking away, to me following him, lifting his head up, his accusation of me being a physical abuser to the "move on with your life, you're not the woman for me after all".

 

Help! Knock some sense into me! For goodness sakes why can't I move on as quickly and as easily as he seems to have done?!? I've tried mantras "He's a butthole, he's mean, he's manipulative" and "it was all a scam, you've been played woman" but it hasn't worked. I'm reading suggested literature, keeping busy, etc. yet I still had the urge to look at his FB page. I still want him to contact me.

 

Utter ridiculousness...I know.

 

Now, I'm a wreck again. I'm shaking and wondering how could he have been so cruel to me? Therapist states that contrary to what I believe (that that whole proposal scene was a charade of his) he was NOT play acting. Therapist said what I was seeing was how what he consciously wanted conflicted with his subconscious fears.

 

Please!! That fool wants what he wants when he wants and will do any and everything to get it, matters who gets hurt or trampled on. And if you dare question him or cross him about anything he rids himself of you, but not before backing up and trampling over you again and again!

[Silly_Girl]

What you're doing is NORMAL. It's not fun or constructive or good but it's normal. We waver. We're human. It doesn't mean you're about to buy a shotgun and bundle him in to your car boot and force him to live with you 'cos you love him ssoooo much'!!

 

You peeked. You saw that he's dusted himself off and is ready to make someone else feel 'special'. Good luck to her, I say.

 

Hugs.

[neveragain2012]

Delete your facebook. Well, not delete, but you can deactivate it. This will maintain your page but make it not easily accessible and you can reactivate it later when you have more self control. I got that snippet of advice from here and it's helped A LOT!!! You'd be surprised how little you need fb. By deactivating it you can resume it at any time BUT you have to take steps to do it. It can't just be "Oh, I'm on the computer, I can just wander over to fb and Oh My! What's this? My ex's fb page?" You have to make a conscious effort. It gives me just enough pause to think about what I'm about to do. Mines been inactive for a couple of weeks. Haven't missed it once.

 

Hope it helps! Good luck!!!!

[sleepie]

We all have moments of weakness, so don't beat yourself up about it too much. If you can deactivate your FB account, then do it. Otherwise, you're going to have to do what I do: put your head down, grit your teeth, and gather all your determination during times of weakness.

[Stellar Wench]

Obsessing over someone and stalking their FB page is not normal. From reading your posts here and beyond, you have some mental health issues that are not being dealt with sufficiently. While married, your obsession with him was flattering and boosted his ego. Now available, he saw your fixation on him as what it is. An unhealthy obsession, and you grabbing his face was more evidence of that.

 

Your counsellor allowing you to fixate on him is not prudent. Instead of trying to make you understand him, they should be helping you understand yourself and your obsessive nature.

Edited July 24, 2012 by Stellar Wench

[Silly_Girl]

Obsessing over someone and stalking their FB page is not normal. From reading your posts here and beyond, you have some mental health issues that are not being dealt with sufficiently. While married, your obsession with him was flattering and boosted his ego. Now available, he saw your fixation on him as what it is. An unhealthy obsession, and you grabbing his face was more evidence of that.

 

Your counsellor allowing you to fixate on him is not prudent. Instead of trying to make you understand him, they should be helping you understand yourself and your obsessive nature.

 

I have known friends of friends and also new business contacts check out my FB page. It hardly qualifies as stalking.

 

I haven't seen other threads, however, so maybe I am missing something big.

[hurting tonight]

FB is a public forum, and going to ones page does not qualify as stalking. If it hurts you deactivate your account, or you can block him. If you block him, he can never see you or what you post as you him.

[EmptyHeartGirl]

I'm actually going to agree with Hurting Tonight. Having a random slip up does not warrant stalking.

HT is also correct just block him from FB. It doesn;t make any sense to totally delete FB for one guy. If you block him as HT stated, you will not be able to see his page and he won't be able to see yours and you can continue to have your FB privileges.

[Stellar Wench]

I have known friends of friends and also new business contacts check out my FB page. It hardly qualifies as stalking.

 

I haven't seen other threads, however, so maybe I am missing something big.

When someone becomes so unhinged that parental involvement is required, that is not normal. The FB stalking is minor. Edited June 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TrebleClef]

Obsessing over someone and stalking their FB page is not normal. From reading your posts here and beyond, you have some mental health issues that are not being dealt with sufficiently. While married, your obsession with him was flattering and boosted his ego. Now available, he saw your fixation on him as what it is. An unhealthy obsession, and you grabbing his face was more evidence of that.

 

Your counsellor allowing you to fixate on him is not prudent. Instead of trying to make you understand him, they should be helping you understand yourself and your obsessive nature.

 

He proposed back in college, he disappeared, he found me years later, he professed his undying love for me, he pursued me, he lied to me, he dumped me, he came back, I ask questions, he ignored, he showed up at my door, he dumped me, he came back, he bought me lavish gifts, he dumped me, he requested 'friends' on FB, I don't accept, he came back, he showed up at my church, I ask questions, he dumped me, he text/called, he showed up at events our group performed at, he dumped me, he came back, he apologized for all the lies, he professed undying love again, I ask questions, he dumped me, he came back, he divorced, he proposed, he says I'm the woman for him, he professed undying love, I asked a question, he ignores, he walks away, I follow, lift his head up (I did not grab his face), he dumps me, he tells me to move on with my life, I'm not the woman for him after all.

 

Yes, I was a damned fool for taking him back each time, that's on me. Now, I will say if I'm obsessed (not) it's with trying to know why the hell he did all this to me. My biggest problem is trying to figure things out. I just have to know why, why, why and that's my downfall.

 

From that first email when he found me after college all the way to that proposal he's had an agenda to scam me (IMO). He went to such extreme and for what? Even to the point of proposing?! Why play with my emotions like that? Again, what was the point? I'm not rich, I stopped intimacy once I found out the truth, so it wasn't that.

 

My therapist is not allowing me to fixate on him. Their strategy is to pinpoint the misunderstandings and fears we both had about each other. And to look at MY fears and why I allowed such torture from him and/or why I felt the need to look at his FB page that ONE time.

[TrebleClef]

FB is a public forum, and going to ones page does not qualify as stalking. If it hurts you deactivate your account, or you can block him. If you block him, he can never see you or what you post as you him.

 

...as I AM NOT a stalker. I may have self esteem issues and the inability to let things go (especially this) but stalking, I have no desire to do. Yes, I still love him...for real...not that B/S he was running...but I would never sit in his driveway, ask to be friends on FB, have lavish gifts sitting on his doorstep, sit in the back of his church.

 

Sitting in my driveway after disappearing on me, or sitting in the back of my church after dumping me...b/c he LOVE, LOVE LOVES me sooooo much...is that stalking?

[TrebleClef]

FB is a public forum, and going to ones page does not qualify as stalking. If it hurts you deactivate your account, or you can block him. If you block him, he can never see you or what you post as you him.

 

I don't think he'll ever look at my FB page or ask to be 'friends' again. We were never friends on FB and my page is private. All he or anyone for that matter can see is "this person's page is private".

 

Like I said, he was very adament about me moving on with my life. It's just very hard for me to.

[TrebleClef]

I have known friends of friends and also new business contacts check out my FB page. It hardly qualifies as stalking.

 

I haven't seen other threads, however, so maybe I am missing something big.

 

You're missing him showing up at my door after dumping me, him sitting at the back of my church after disappearing on me, sitting in my driveway with a lavish gift after dumping me, professing he loves me too much to stay away, him asking to be 'friends' on FB, him proposing, then dumping me b/c I ask too many questions. I did not grab his face, I lifted his head up by his chin with my pointing finger for goodness sakes. And thata (in his mind) constituted physical abuse and me putting my hands on him.

[Stellar Wench]

He proposed back in college, he disappeared, he found me years later, he professed his undying love for me, he pursued me, he lied to me, he dumped me, he came back, I ask questions, he ignored, he showed up at my door, he dumped me, he came back, he bought me lavish gifts, he dumped me, he requested 'friends' on FB, I don't accept, he came back, he showed up at my church, I ask questions, he dumped me, he text/called, he showed up at events our group performed at, he dumped me, he came back, he apologized for all the lies, he professed undying love again, I ask questions, he dumped me, he came back, he divorced, he proposed, he says I'm the woman for him, he professed undying love, I asked a question, he ignores, he walks away, I follow, lift his head up (I did not grab his face), he dumps me, he tells me to move on with my life, I'm not the woman for him after all.

 

Yes, I was a damned fool for taking him back each time, that's on me. Now, I will say if I'm obsessed (not) it's with trying to know why the hell he did all this to me. My biggest problem is trying to figure things out. I just have to know why, why, why and that's my downfall.

 

From that first email when he found me after college all the way to that proposal he's had an agenda to scam me (IMO). He went to such extreme and for what? Even to the point of proposing?! Why play with my emotions like that? Again, what was the point? I'm not rich, I stopped intimacy once I found out the truth, so it wasn't that.

 

My therapist is not allowing me to fixate on him. Their strategy is to pinpoint the misunderstandings and fears we both had about each other. And to look at MY fears and why I allowed such torture from him and/or why I felt the need to look at his FB page that ONE time.

Please stop playing the victim. Everything is him, him, him, and what you allowed him to do to you. Enough.

 

Your obsession with him was great when he was married. It was an ego stroke and made him feel good. Now that he's available, your obsession isn't fun anymore. It's a burden, and he got off the crazy train. It didn't take weeks of therapy for me to tell you that.

 

You need CBT.

[EmptyHeartGirl]

I don't think he'll ever look at my FB page or ask to be 'friends' again. We were never friends on FB and my page is private. All he or anyone for that matter can see is "this person's page is private".

 

Like I said, he was very adament about me moving on with my life. It's just very hard for me to.

 

I think you're missing the point. Blocking him is more so YOU don't have to see HIS page. It will end any chance that you have to post another "Crap! Looked at his FB page" thread. If you continue to have the option of going on his page, you will continue to do so and you will never be able to move forward.

 

 

I am also very bothered by your obsession with your final encounter where you touched his face, etc... You really need to let that go. YOU know that you didn't physically abuse him, so if he wants to think otherwise, Let him. He's an a** for thinking it anyway.

[TrebleClef]

Please stop playing the victim. Everything is him, him, him, and what you allowed him to do to you. Enough.

 

Your obsession with him was great when he was married. It was an ego stroke and made him feel good. Now that he's available, your obsession isn't fun anymore. It's a burden, and he got off the crazy train. It didn't take weeks of therapy for me to tell you that.

 

You need CBT.

 

CBT?

 

Stellar Wench, I am not playing victim. Nor was I trying to make it him, him, him. At least that was not my intent. I own up to my part/parts in this whole thing.

 

Perhaps I didn't express myself in the right manner or light or I came across as "it was him, it was him" but I was only trying to make a point to you that he was the one who'd pop up wherever I was after disappearing or dumping me.

 

He's dumped me for good, and while I'm having a hard time with it, It still doesn't make me want to go sit in his driveway until he comes home, etc. I looked at his FB page, please don't send me to the guillotine for it.

 

You have it stuck in your craw that I'm obsessed/stalking. So be it, in your eyes I'm obsessed/stalking.

[hurting tonight]

You are not obsessed.

[MissBee]

Why did I do that to myself?!?

 

I'm logged in to FB I get this notion to type in his name. His name is so unique that I only had to type two letters and there it was...his page. He's changed his profile pic to a more current pic, updated his status to single, and has his ph# on full display (so, not like him). He's smiling looking amazing on the pic and has on one of the outfits that I've always told him he looks amazing in.

 

It brought back every detail of his last dumping to the forefront. I replayed the entire scene from the proposal to my question, to his ignoring me/walking away, to me following him, lifting his head up, his accusation of me being a physical abuser to the "move on with your life, you're not the woman for me after all".

 

Help! Knock some sense into me! For goodness sakes why can't I move on as quickly and as easily as he seems to have done?!? I've tried mantras "He's a butthole, he's mean, he's manipulative" and "it was all a scam, you've been played woman" but it hasn't worked. I'm reading suggested literature, keeping busy, etc. yet I still had the urge to look at his FB page. I still want him to contact me.

 

Utter ridiculousness...I know.

 

Now, I'm a wreck again. I'm shaking and wondering how could he have been so cruel to me? Therapist states that contrary to what I believe (that that whole proposal scene was a charade of his) he was NOT play acting. Therapist said what I was seeing was how what he consciously wanted conflicted with his subconscious fears.

 

Please!! That fool wants what he wants when he wants and will do any and everything to get it, matters who gets hurt or trampled on. And if you dare question him or cross him about anything he rids himself of you, but not before backing up and trampling over you again and again!

 

Well one thing I learned about FB in general, is that people put up what they want you to see. There are people who do host pity parties on FB and talk about all their drama and turmoil as though it is their personal diary; but, others use it to put their best face forward. During my breakup my ex used Facebook to display how "great" his life was, he was going out a lot more, taking pictures with women, updating his status every 5 seconds about how happy he was. It drove me nuts (as intended) and I had to unfriend him. The short of it was that he wasn't actually happy. He admitted that later on and used Twitter instead to express his feelings that weren't good. Twitter was for his real emotions and FB was for the facade smh.

 

I'm saying that to say, don't get caught up in what you see on FB and read into it.He may be truly happy or he may not be..but his happiness or lack thereof won't change your own feelings. Deactivate your account or hide him so that you don't play into it. You don't need this dude at all. Put him out of sight and out of mind. When you have the urge to look, just think about how manipulative he is and think about how looking will just ruin your day...then find something better to look at or do.

[TrebleClef]

I think you're missing the point. Blocking him is more so YOU don't have to see HIS page. It will end any chance that you have to post another "Crap! Looked at his FB page" thread. If you continue to have the option of going on his page, you will continue to do so and you will never be able to move forward.

 

 

I am also very bothered by your obsession with your final encounter where you touched his face, etc... You really need to let that go. YOU know that you didn't physically abuse him, so if he wants to think otherwise, Let him. He's an a** for thinking it anyway.

 

I did miss the point 'emptyheartgirl'. Got it now. FB deactivated.

 

I know, my obsession with the final fiasco bothers me too...honestly. I want to let it go, I swear. I want to move on quickly and easily. My mind won't let it go. I can't say "I love you" then "F-you," and mean them both, ALL within the same breath! I can't just hurt a person, WHOEVER it is, and just walk away like "F that B", and keep smiling all while going: "NEXT!"

 

But you're right, I KNOW I'm not a physical abuser, just like I KNOW I'm not an obsessive stalker. So like I told 'stellarwench' if they want to think that, fine...in dude's eyes I'm a physical abuser, in stellarwench's eyes I'm an obsessive stalker. There it is.

 

Thx Emptyheartgirl.

[MissBee]

When someone becomes so unhinged that parental involvement is required, that is not normal. The FB stalking is minor.

 

Her counsellor seems no better at therapy than the armchair psychologists found on advice fora. OP needs CBT and medication.

 

Don't you think this determination, that she needs medication, is also the same kind of armchair psychiatry (since meds are involved) found on advice fora?

[TrebleClef]

Well one thing I learned about FB in general, is that people put up what they want you to see. There are people who do host pity parties on FB and talk about all their drama and turmoil as though it is their personal diary; but, others use it to put their best face forward. During my breakup my ex used Facebook to display how "great" his life was, he was going out a lot more, taking pictures with women, updating his status every 5 seconds about how happy he was. It drove me nuts (as intended) and I had to unfriend him. The short of it was that he wasn't actually happy. He admitted that later on and used Twitter instead to express his feelings that weren't good. Twitter was for his real emotions and FB was for the facade smh.

 

I'm saying that to say, don't get caught up in what you see on FB and read into it.He may be truly happy or he may not be..but his happiness or lack thereof won't change your own feelings. Deactivate your account or hide him so that you don't play into it. You don't need this dude at all. Put him out of sight and out of mind. When you have the urge to look, just think about how manipulative he is and think about how looking will just ruin your day...then find something better to look at or do.

 

Thx.

 

I've deactivated my account. I didn't FB tons anyways. And you're right I did get that vibe that it was a charade (as he play acts extremely well) and he did put his "best on display". He didn't FB tons either, so him broadcasting his number, his 'single' status, and the pic with the million dollar smile and the outfit I always complimented him on (hmmm), could or couldn't be a front.

 

I keep thinking that folk are like me in that I try my best to ALWAYS keep it real. My pics on FB were a true depiction of my life. I didn't make FB my diary or sounding board, but for my "friends" (mostly family) who did and if I decided to comment, I'd always try and do so with compassion and empathy.

 

I try to be honest with people, I'm compassionate, empathetic and sympathetic and too doggone trusting. Again, I keep thinking everybody is nice, kind, has the other person's best interest at heart, etc. And that's just not the case. I'm learning that the hard way.

 

I promise, I'm not faking, I really didn't know the game. But I'll be doggone if I ain't learning A LOT!!!!!

[TrebleClef]

Thx.

 

I've deactivated my account. I didn't FB tons anyways. And you're right I did get that vibe that it was a charade (as he play acts extremely well) and he did put his "best on display". He didn't FB tons either, so him broadcasting his number, his 'single' status, and the pic with the million dollar smile and the outfit I always complimented him on (hmmm), could or couldn't be a front.

 

I keep thinking that folk are like me in that I try my best to ALWAYS keep it real. My pics on FB were a true depiction of my life. I didn't make FB my diary or sounding board, but for my "friends" (mostly family) who did and if I decided to comment, I'd always try and do so with compassion and empathy.

 

I try to be honest with people, I'm compassionate, empathetic and sympathetic and too doggone trusting. Again, I keep thinking everybody is nice, kind, has the other person's best interest at heart, etc. And that's just not the case. I'm learning that the hard way.

 

I promise, I'm not faking, I really didn't know the game. But I'll be doggone if I ain't learning A LOT!!!!!

 

...and you're right MissBee. I DO NOT need him! I honestly thought I did.

[Stellar Wench]

Don't you think this determination, that she needs medication, is also the same kind of armchair psychiatry (since meds are involved) found on advice fora?

LOL. Could be! My assessment is based upon her posts on another forum, where the OW there told her the same thing. Instead of heeding their advice, she came here.

[TrebleClef]

You are not obsessed.

 

I know.

 

I am hurt.

[TrebleClef]

LOL. Could be! My assessment is based upon her posts on another forum, where the OW there told her the same thing. Instead of heeding their advice, she came here.

 

 

What are you talking about? What other forum? I was in the "Infidelity" section and thought it'd be better to post on this forum. And what is CBT?