At the crossroad... contact my ex or lose her forever?

[WB]

Hi

 

I've been lurking here for a couple months now. And I need some sagacious advice.

 

My girl broke up with me a little over a year ago. We had our problems. It was my first real relationship, and I basically had no clue. She was a very moody person (maybe even bipolar) and it just made my job so much harder. I did a lot of stupid things and wasn't sensitive to her feelings at times. But I always treated her like a princess, sacrified a lot to be with her. I dreamed about her for many years before we finally got together. She was my love and my whole life. On the other hand, she didn't treat me well. I think she always felt uneasy because I wasn't "smooth". She had dated many guys before and was chased by everyone from royalty (with castles) to her boss. So we basically had a lopsided relationship, me the abashed novice and her the siren.

 

To make things worse, we lived on opposite coasts.

 

Despite all that, we had an extremely close relationship. We talked about marriage, kids, everything. We had very passionate get-togethers. Then about a year ago, her work got really stressful. I tried to help her but everything I did seemed to backfire. (Like I said I really had no clue). Finally she broke it off. For the next three months, I pleaded with her but it only pushed her further away. As a last resort, I asked her to go to Europe with me so she could get away from work and we could reconnect. She refused.

 

Since then there were only sporadic contact between us, an IM here and an IM there, all from her asking how I was doing and hoping I wasn't angry at her any more. I think she felt guilty, and tried to obtain forgiveness from me, but I never gave her that. I would end the IM when she started talking about what happened.

 

A month ago, she IM'ed, saying she's coming to my city to see some people. Didn't ask to meet me, just that if I could help her with booking a hotel. I just said okay, didn't ask to meet her neither. We ended the conversation rather tersely with her saying she'll get back to me with exact dates and I saying okay. Last week she IM'ed saying she cancelled the trip. I didn't reply. She then just said she hoped I was doing well.

 

So here's my dilemma. I don't know what she wants, but I don't think she'll contact me again. I've been pretty cold toward her in the last few months, She used to IM me once every couple weeks but lately once in a couple months. Either the fear of rejection is getting to her, or her guilt is fading, or she just doesn't care anymore. Either way I doubt she'll contact me ever again. Part of me is still angry at her. But the other part wants to be with her. In fact every night I fall asleep thinking of her and every morning I wake up thinking of her. When I went on dates, I couldn't help but think how inadequate my dates were compared to her. I still love her deeply. I just need some time for the anger to dissolve.

 

Should I contact her? And if I do, what do I say?

[doubledown]

Hey WB,

 

reading your story brought back so many feelings for me. My story is very similar to yours, my feelings for her, the way it ended, the distance, the attraction that existed before we dated.

 

Unlike you though my EX and I have not communicated in 6 months. She dumped me for another guy. She is now living with her new BF. It's really hard to see her move on and not miss me the way that I do her. Sometimes I feel that if we could just talk alone for a few hours, we could resume where we left off. But I know that it wouldn't be fair to me to make the first move, or the second , or the third.

 

If she never comes back to me, then eventually I'll have to move on. I would just hate to hear ten years down the road that she really missed me and was waiting for me to let her know that I forgave her, and that she could come back.

 

It's a tough call, for your situation, it's easy for me to say "yeah, if you don't ask you won't ever know what might have been". But I would only give you that advice if it had worked for me first. I guess in some ways I'm afraid to find the answer, so I play my cards 'close to the vest'.

 

I can't really tell from your story what type of signals your EX is sending to you. I do know that girls like our EX's, who can have just about any guy they desire, usually like to keep it that way, free to explore and date someone until the "honeymoon phase ends", then it's on to the next conquest. I've always though that it was guys who acted that way, but anyone with alot of options usually does. It's the people who believe in finding "the one" who usually get hurt by these people.

 

Maybe you should start to date others to help you move on and let your EX contact you. I know you think that if you hesitate you'll lose, but do you really want to worry like that the rest of you life, or at least while you're dating her? If she feels as strongly as you do, then it's really up to her to make that known to you, whether her pride is put on the line or not.

 

If you spill your guts to her, she'll know that she can keep you on the back burner. You should really make yourself believe that IF you give it a 2nd chance, then that's all she gets and move on for good after that. Also, let her know the finality of making it work this time. If she really loves you then she'll jump at the offer and work to make it last. Otherwise, she'll never change and it'll never work between you two and maybe never between her and anyone else.

 

Keep us posted as to what transpires, and good luck, I really do know exactly what you're going thru. I wish I could be of more help, but I'm still learning too.

[WB]

Thanks for the support. I needed that.

 

I think the reason I don't know what to do is that I don't know if I want to be with her. I still love her, but the relationship is sufficiently poisoned that we may never recover what we lost. Our breakup was pretty bad. We both said things at the heat of the moment that probably should had been left unsaid. We may get back together, but I fear we'll break up again. And I don't want that.

 

I know she wants to be friends, but I don't think that's good for me.