john7474 Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 Recently, i was was in a 2 year relationship that ended about three months ago. I was the dumpee. I unfortunately made mant of the mistakes that most of us have done by acting off my emotions. Last night, I was thinking a lot abot my ex and came to a realization why i was not happy in the relationship and wanted to vent. Maybe some of you can relate or give me advice about some of my insights. To begin, i never felt appreciated or cared for in my previous relationship. We had issues in communication which was huge because we were always on different pages. My ex was a stong believer in whst she claims are gender roles. She believe it was the mans duty and respinsibility to pay for all dates. Hey, i wanted to take care of her and provide for her but acting like she is owed something always rubbed me the wrong way. I never felt appreciated for taking her out and even mentioned she could say thank you a little more so at least i felt she was enjoying her time with me. Hey, would a "i really had a great time and appreciate you baby" been so difficiult? When i discussed it with her, she said i was being petty and didnt feel she had to say thank you and it turned into a fight. In my opinnion, fighting over such a small issue was being petty. I remember my birthday she wanted to take me out to dinner and i ofcourse i accepted. I chose her favorite resturaunt and when the bill came, she looked at it, laughed and said, " this is a drag" and paid. I felt awful and afterward we went to a movie which i paid for because i felt guilty. Please dont get wrapped up in the financial aspects of it because its not about that. I realized awhile ago that i was in the relationship alone after the break up. I made the relationship about her and her happiness. I was foolish, i though if i loved her enough, cared for her enough, she would eventually show me she loved me and cared for the. i invested so much of my heart in this a nd when it ended, i was distraught. There were so many red flags in the relationship that i ignored because i invested so much of myself in the relationship. I belive i have a gift, the ability to love and care for others but right now i just feel used. She moved on quickly and began online dating with in a month of our break up. I dont consider what she is doing as a rebound because she never and doesnt know how to emtionally invest herself in a relationship. I have learned so much from this experience but i dont know why it was so important to be accepted and loved by her? Link to post Share on other sites
Brokendude Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 Holty crap that was me!!!!! Ony my gf was overly sensitive and needy so i had to bendover backwards constantly and the rest u already wrote down for me up there ^^^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 I'm sure we've all been there at one time or another. There's something about a selfish person that makes YOU think "they must be entitled to this, they are so adamant about it." Link to post Share on other sites
blue_jay_bird Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 I did the same. Made me realize just cause you will bend over backwards for someone. Doesn't mean they will do the same. It's a child like attitude to believe that if you are nice to someone they will be nice to you. The world does not work like that. Nice people are ****ed over all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
blue_jay_bird Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 I have learned so much from this experience but i dont know why it was so important to be accepted and loved by her? Everyone wants to be accepted and loved, but some people need it more. Try looking at your past, where didn't you want love and acceptance and not get it. I would then try working on be able to get acceptance and love from your self. You can do this by accomplishing thinks that make you feel like love for yourself. An example, i joined a dance class. I start to feel good about myself, as people tell me i'm good at it, and soon i tell myself, (i am good, i love myself). Link to post Share on other sites
Author john7474 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Share Posted July 24, 2012 One of the things have been working on is trtying to increase my self worth in my eyes. I allowed her to make me feel guilty as i failed the relationship, that just is not the case. I would do little things for her xonstantly but she just stated that those are the things you in a relationship which i agree but she didnt reciprocate. Our last fight was rediculous and we didnt talk for days after. My family was visiting and i decided to to dinner with them and asked her if it was ok with her. I then asked if she would like me to make hwr a plate and bring it over and go to a movie afterward. The next day, i texted her to give my mother, which she met on several ocassions, to thank her and wish her a happy anniversary. I expressed it was important to me and ro my mother but she flat out refused sstating she was uncomfortable. I told her i understood but if she could put it aside for a two minute phone call? She refused again and i took it to offense that she didnt care about building our relationship enpugh to make a two minute phone call. She said itbat it wouldnt change my mothers life and it wouldnt but ot would help build their relationship. It was important to me because i wanted her in my future. After discussing this months later, she said i should have explaining more but honestly didnt know that was what the exact reasons were at the time but i knew it was rhe right thing to do. Hey, im37, and is 30 she is a stupid thing we should be fighting about. She loved to place blame to alieve herself, i am not sure. I have spike to other people and they said its about combatability but i dont think so. I do things i dont feel comfortable doing all the time for the sake of other peoples happiness. sorry for typos, im using my phone Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 (edited) I remember my birthday she wanted to take me out to dinner and i ofcourse i accepted. I chose her favorite resturaunt and when the bill came, she looked at it, laughed and said, " this is a drag" and paid. I felt awful and afterward we went to a movie which i paid for because i felt guilty. Please dont get wrapped up in the financial aspects of it because its not about that. I'm not going to get wrapped up in the financial aspect, but it was YOUR birthday for Pete sakes!! When I was dating my wife, it was my birthday and she had the day planned out, I didn't have to pay for a thing and I didn't have to lift a finger. She kept on reminding me that it was my special day. And she made it special for me. It sounds like just her being in your company on your birthday should have been gift enough. You're better off, dude. Edited July 24, 2012 by Chi townD Link to post Share on other sites
Author john7474 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Share Posted July 24, 2012 Chi, I agree with you. I think when after all the fighting, i began to reach out to her about how my needs were not being met and i didnt feel cared for. I expressed to her how i cared and loved her and she was never truly able to express her feelings for me. She told me she has emotional baggage and because of the poor relationship with her father, she related to men differently. I believe she is very much out of touch woth her emotions and somewhat avoidant. Does ot bother me that she is probably seeng someone else from online? Sure ot does because i do care for her and gooled muself to think we had something special. We work at the same facility and know the same people so i still have to see her on ocassion. At first, i felt my heart break evrytime i saw her and still do sometimes but just not as often. I wanted to reconcile up to a few weeks ago and tried but i realize she never change. She will jump from relationship to relationship until she eventually chooses to deal with her issues. Until then she will never find that inner happiness she longs for. I cant help her with that and never could. Link to post Share on other sites
Dblock10 Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 hey well i can relate. when it was my birthday my ex was too busy with work (even though on the day of my actual birthday she ended up having the day off) and i lived 2.5 hours away so she didn't think it would be worth coming for the day to then go back the next day.. cheers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author john7474 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Share Posted July 24, 2012 hey well i can relate. when it was my birthday my ex was too busy with work (even though on the day of my actual birthday she ended up having the day off) and i lived 2.5 hours away so she didn't think it would be worth coming for the day to then go back the next day.. cheers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dblock, i understand but it really wasnt about the actual birthday. It was a chance for her to showed me she cared. Link to post Share on other sites
Dblock10 Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 yeah i get that, its what i am saying, it shouldn't be about the event its an act of showing someone they care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author john7474 Posted July 24, 2012 Author Share Posted July 24, 2012 yeah i get that, its what i am saying, it shouldn't be about the event its an act of showing someone they care. Exacty, it was the same with the issue with my mother but she just never got it. She is void of emotion Link to post Share on other sites
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