I don't know how to move forward with this relationship, whatever it is

[Mia_M]

Hi all - this is my first post here. I really just need help, because I'm not sure what to do.

 

This guy and I have been aware of our mutual attraction for about 6 months. However, he had moved to work overseas at the time and wasn't sure when (or even if for sure) he was coming back. During that time, we talked really often, multiple times a week, became close, and definitely had our fair share of more than friend chats. My feelings for him became so strong that I literally couldn't help but dream about him coming back and us being together almost every waking moment. About 4 months into his work overseas, his ex - who was moving back the the area he now worked - wanted to give it another try with him. They had had a very rocky on/off thing, but I still think he was really hung up on her. So, they got back together, and he was very considerate about the whole thing with me, really cared about my feelings, let me talk about it, etc. He said so many times that if he lived here still, things would be different and he would be with me, and that he really likes me so much and hopes one day we can give it a shot and just see where we can go.

 

Barely a month later, things didn't work out with his ex (I didn't want to pry, and all he told me was that he was "single again") and he announced to me that he would be moving back here pretty much as soon as possible. Our conversations were pretty normal between the point of him announcing his move back home and his actual move. Less dirty, but normal.

 

Well, this past weekend, guess who made his big return? I saw him the day after he came back, mostly on his initiative, at his place. I was there for a good 6 hours. He was tired from the traveling and all so we mostly just laid on the couch and talked, and eventually we were getting pretty cuddly and touchy and ended up fooling around quite a bit for a good part of the visit. Nothing huge, but we both admitted we wanted to go a lot farther than we were letting ourselves.

 

I hung out with him more yesterday (also his idea) and we've been talking a lot. The topic of "Are we dating or what?" never directly came up, but he made comments - and I certainly felt from his actions and stuff - that he saw us as being together.

 

At one point yesterday, I felt like he was going a little past the line of what we should have been doing, and he was very understanding and we just kept doing what we had been before then. I made the comment that I didn't want to regret anything if he packed up and moved again in a few months. He looked kind of sad that I'd said it, and immediately, I regretted saying that. But we continued on with the day just fine.

 

That night, last night, we were talking online before bed, and he said that he'd given a lot of thought to what I'd said. He said as much as he likes me, he would rather do nothing than have there be a chance of me getting hurt, because he really doesn't have any set plans right now or know if he'll be here forever. I told him how strong my feelings are and that I'll regret doing nothing with them more than anything else. He seemed to agree, but said that on top of it, he said he's still not 100% after his breakup with his ex. He's not sure what I want in terms of a relationship, but he said that if I were to ask him if he's ready to jump head on into another relationship, he would honestly say he's not ready. But then, he said he also has all these feelings for me, so he's very torn. He said he loves spending time with me and getting to know me better, and he realizes our relationship is obviously more than friends now, and he really likes me so much, but he just doesn't want to do anything unfair to me. He also said that's why he hasn't kissed me yet (not a full-on kiss, that is); he said he wants the first kiss to be special and fun and have it really mean something, but this torn feeling he has is in the way because he doesn't want it to be unfair for me.

 

We sort of left it as me saying that I really, really like him so much, and that I want to take that chance, but I understand that things are hard for him and I want him to be happy and comfortable. I told him it's in his hands now, but no matter what I love spending time with him and just being with him. He said it shouldn't just be up to him because then it's one-sided but I told him that he knows my feelings, and he knows what I want. I also thanked him for being so open and honest with me and we agreed to both do that for each other.

 

That all having been said, after we talked about that, we then went on to doing...um, definitely more than friends stuff online, and he made some comments about next time we hang out.

 

I guess I'm just so confused, and I don't know what to do. I can't tell if he's saying he just needs time with all this, wants to take things slowly, but wants to be with me anyway, or if he's saying he really doesn't want us to be together as more than friends. I don't know how to go forward from here. I want so badly to call him and go to his place just so I can be with him and see him and see how he acts, but I'm afraid of calling and being annoying (or rejected in some way). I want to be with him so much. I really have never felt so strongly about a guy like this before. I guess I'm just looking for advice and opinions on the situation here. I'm sorry it's so long, I just want to put the details that I thought were important. I'm just so afraid that this is a B.S. way of telling me that he doesn't see this going anywhere, and I just don't know how to act now. Any help is really appreciated. Thank you.

[Ghisop]

I am jealous of you being able to be so honest with him. That's something you should be proud of. My worry for you is that he is telling you he doesn't want a relationship because of his ex- and it sounds like he is being honest about that. But then he is turning around and being flirty and sexual with you. I don't think you should allow that. You don't want to turn into a rebound or a friends with benitfits because you really care. I think you should tell him you want to be with him and you won't have anything else. Like nothing else. Ultimately you want to be with him so sex would be great, but temporary and would leave you feeling more rejected. Be careful and don't let him use your feelings for him to get you in bed - good luck and I hope it works for you

[NoMagicBullet]

I totally agree with Ghisop. He's not ready for a relationship yet, he knows this, and he's being honest about it. BUT, engaging in the flirty, dirty whatever is not doing you and him any good at this point. It's only going to make you more frustrated and him feel more torn. He's right that you can't leave it all up to him -- some of the things you mentioned indicate that he's willing to progress things physically, but that doesn't mean the relationship will progress emotionally, and he knows that. He's told you that. I don't think he's BS'ing you -- I think he really does not know where things will go from here, except that they are not going to go in the direction you want right now. I think your best course of action is to cool it and stop tempting yourselves.

[JoshK]

I have to agree with the previous posters. Especially this very line by NoMagicBullet: He's not ready for a relationship yet, he knows this, and he's being honest about it. BUT, engaging in the flirty, dirty whatever is not doing you and him any good at this point. It's only going to make you more frustrated and him feel more torn.

 

I have JUST been in a "relationship" or had a flirt, whatever you want to call it, just like this a few weeks ago. We pretty much had this friendly / sexual relationship for a good month, while my feelings grew stronger and she became more torn. Needless to say, it ended with us breaking up contact. She would have liked to be friends, because she did like me, but I have no need of that.

 

Edit: The girl and I went far back and used to be in a relationship during our childhood (aged around 12-13). Just felt like I had to add that to emphasize that it didn't last one month from the get-go of our mutual contact, but rather one month of "trying" to be in a relationship.. You're in for a tough time, I fear. Best wishes.

Edited July 27, 2012 by JoshK

[Mia_M]

First, thank you all for your help. Your time and thoughts are really, really appreciated

 

We've still been seeing a lot of each other, though I'll say the more dirty/flirty stuff has been toned down on both of our ends to just more general sweetness (a little arm around each other, gentle hand-holding, maybe a quick kiss on the forehead goodnight).

 

I want to give him a little time to settle back into life in the states, get better (he hasn't been feeling well), destress, and just get totally comfortable being able to see each other in real life again. Once that point comes, or a point comes when it feels right to talk about it, I think I'm just going to try to be honest with him. I want to explain to him that I don't think it's healthy for either of us to dive into some big, serious relationship right away, but at the same time I don't want to be stuck in a place where we're going nowhere and he's not able to move on from the past. I'll tell him that there's no doubt in my mind that I want to be with him for real and am willing to take it slowly, but if he doesn't feel that way or think that's something he can honestly do, I understand, but for the sake of our future relationship, we can't really be in some in between place for too long. He's very respectful of my feelings and adamantly doesn't want me to get hurt, so I really feel like he'll understand.

 

Part of me worries that the longer he is here, his feelings for me are going to fade or something, almost like the excitement of finally being back together will have worn off. However, I suppose most of all, only time will tell what's going to happen here, though I certainly hope for the best.

 

Again, so many thanks