HurtsSoBad Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 I have been married for almost 9 years. Out of the 9 years of marriage, the last three years have been hard financially. And about 3 weeks ago my wife said she wanted to separate. She said that whatever happens with our relationship, she wants to remain friends with me. I ended up going to my parents house that weekend. Then I went back home and the following week was just a mess. Neither one of us could function. We then decided that I would move to my parents house. Now it has almost been two weeks and she is still not interested in being with me. I want to make the relationship work, but she says that she is not romantically attracted to me. I want us to work through this but I just don't know what to do. Tomorrow I am suppose to go back down there so that I can get my bicycle. A friend is telling me that when I see her, I should just stay strong and not let it get to me because it would show weakness. He is trying to use something similar to what this guy says on his website: http://www.stopyourdivorce.com/125.htm. He says that I should not stay overnight there because it would be too painful for both myself and her. This is even after she said I could spend the night there. But today she said that she does not want to play games with me and that she thinks she wants a divorce. I am trying to stay positive and I have told her that I want to be with her and that I do not want to get a divorce. But then I also told her that I do not want to be in a relationship if one person is not happy in it. After she said that she wanted a divorce, I moved the conversation into a different direction so that we are not dwelling on that. We then proceeded to talk for maybe another hour. I just don't know if not showing any emotions is good or bad. I want to be strong, I don't want to act needy but yet I want to let her know that I care for her. I want us to work out, but like I told her, I do not want to be in a relationship where one of us is not happy. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 There is something you need to understand. This didn't come out of the blue. She's been planning this for quite some time, probably several months. Women always do. Always. All that stuff about remaining friends and just not being romantically attracted to you anymore is bulls*** - it's the way women who are throwing their husbands away rationalize their breaking their sacred vows. You will probably never know her real reason. Here's what I don't understand, though. You love your wife and you don't want a divorce. Yet she doesn't want to work on making your marriage strong again. So, if she wants a divorce, why the hell are you moving out of your home rather than her? She should be the one to leave, not you. Why the hell do you have to leave your home becaus SHE wants a divorce? Had you consulted an attorney first, you would have been advised the same thing I was advised: under no circumstance are you to leave. You cannot be forced to leave and it is not your place to leave. Maybe if she gets out there in the real world alone and has to struggle for a bit, she'll come to she that she's throwing away something that really isn't as bad as she'd convinced herself it is and that working with you is preferrable. She knows you love her and she will use this against you. Believe me, I know. She'll leverage your love as long as you allow it. BTW, that website you cite? That guy's a quack. You want real, sound advice? But a copy of Phil McGraw's "Relationship Rescue." There's only one problem with any of these save your relationship resources. You can't save a marriage alone. It takes both parners to dedicate themselves to the effort. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Prepare yourself for a long, hard ride. Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 She knows you love her and she will use this against you. Believe me, I know. She'll leverage your love as long as you allow it. Such a dismal outlook. It's really frustrating that people come on here and assume that because they experienced something negative that someone in the same type of relationship will experience it exactly like they did. Not everyone is out to get someone. Not everyone that is getting divorced intends to hurt the other person. I don't see any reason to hide your feelings. You love her. Why should you hide it? Link to post Share on other sites
seriously confused Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Oh do I know what you are experiencing right now. I am going through the same stuff. You need to act like it doesn't matter wether she wants to be with you or not. You go back home and you be strong because you DO NOT have to leave your home unless a judge tells you to . I am serious here she cannot make you leave, your home. It is a struggle and it takes alot of patience. Have you two been together sexually lately? Sometimes when you do that it brings back some pretty intence feelings. Be strong and stand your ground with your home and kids if there are any. i will post again later i have to go for now.................... Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Such a dismal outlook. It's really frustrating that people come on here and assume that because they experienced something negative that someone in the same type of relationship will experience it exactly like they did. Not everyone is out to get someone. Not everyone that is getting divorced intends to hurt the other person. Seems like you are assuming you know what a man has to endure in a divorce. You don't. Yes, my experience, and every man I know who's wife chucked her marrige for whatever reason she decided. Not only that, but my lawyer's experience -- a woman who has been practicing divorce law for 32 years. She spent half an hour telling me what I could expect in regard to my s2bx's behavior. She also told me that my wife's attorney was helping her with a carefully crafted game plan to use my reeling emotions to her advantage to get me to concede far more than I should in the settlement, and that I should discuss nothing and agree to nothing without consulting her first. My attorney was 100% correct and had she not advised me on how to counter it and take care of myself, the divorce would have gone much worse for me. If he lets his wife know how much he is hurting, how much he loves her, how much he wants their marriage to last, whe will withdraw from him even further. Seriously Confused has a very valid point. I did as you suggested, but nothing I said or did made any difference whatsoever. I am now divorced. A friend of mine's wife told him two months ago that she wanted a divorce because "I love you, but I'm no longer in love with you." <eye roll> He was shocked, of course. She told him he needed to get an apartment. He told her that he couldn't make her change his mind and wasn't going to try to stop her. He wished her well in his new life, but thathe wasn't going anywhere. If she couldn't live with him anymore, there's the f'ing door. I remained calm and collected and told her that he'd be seeing he lwwyer withing the next few days and suggested she do the same. His wife was floored! she had it all planned out and this wasn't the way it was supposed to go. Within two weeks she was suggesting counceling instead of divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Goldmund2004 Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 About 2 months after my wife of almost 4 years said she wanted a divorce she went on a road trip with her "sister" (I don't know if it really was her sister, but who cares now) and I did some research and came across that website, because I too did not want to get a divorce. I still loved her, and felt like getting a divorce is wrong no matter the circumstances except for abuse, infidelity, etc. I believed we all go through phases (I had in my marriage) but divorce for me was the absolute last resort reserved only for the worst circumstances....like a nuclear weapon. That website basically says to be honest about how you feel but also to utilize a bit of reverse psychology viz a viz giving her what she wants--a divorce. It is supposed to have the effect of drawing out the real poison in the relationship and getting her to reveal the real problem and that in most cases it is not that they want a divorce. In my case, it worked for about 3 weeks--she slowed down wanting the divorce when I presented her with a draft of papers I had created myself after researching my state's divorce laws and upon the advice of stopyourdivorce.com. She had actually agreed to go to marriage counseling (after weeks of suggesting it and being rebuffed) but when it came time for her first appointment (the counselor wanted to see both of us separately first) she didn't show up. A month later I moved out and we got divorced six months and $12,000 in legal fees later. My advice--don't take anyone's advice. Live your life the best you know how and have faith in yourself and in whatever God you worship and let yourself feel the deep pain that is coming your way as you really begin to separate. I will tell you it is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.... and that could have happened short of losing a child had we had any. It would have been easier had she died a tragic meaningless death than go through getting a divorce. That having been said, when you come out the other side of the dark, dark tunnel if you don't allow bitterness, hatred, unforgiveness and self-destructive behavior to ruin your life and soul you will be a better person, albeit alone, and you will be happy again whether you are alone or meet someone eventually. Try as hard as you can to avoid dating, getting into sexual relationships, or drinking/drugs because these will only be miserable and prolong your misery. Once I got over this phase which lasted a few months and I had the discipline to live positively and get to know myself again without the pressures of dating or sleeping around I began to heal--in that behavior pattern I was prolonging my suffering and fueling my bitterness and taking it out on innocent people who sincerely just wanted to get to know me, the whole time all I was thinking was about my soon-to-be-ex-wife. God bless you, man--I'm sorry to hear about what's happening. J. Link to post Share on other sites
StartingAgain Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 HurtsSoBad, Goldmund2004 has given you the key to getting through this. He's is absolutely right. Especially about dating too soon after the break up. Here's a great idea that a guy told me to begin to gauge if you are ready to get back in the saddle: If you are still angry with your ex, you shouldn't be dating. His advice about reading the divorce laws of your state is also excellent advice. A trip to an attorney for advice on how to protect yourself might not be a bad idea. Forewarned is forearmed. BTW I scoured the web looking for a divorce support forum only for men. I couldn't find one. Tones of them for women. I found one one on Yahoo for anyone. My advice, leave them alone. If there are women participating, it is more than a bitter hen party, with the women venting on the men than a support group. You don't need that. Some churches have support groups for men. If you are a religious man, one could be a great help. Link to post Share on other sites
separated Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Same situation here, its good to know there is more people with the same problems. My wife left me two weeks ago with my two children 1 & 2 and moved in with her parents. Says shes just not happy anymore and tired of fighting, if thats the real reson or not? Says she needs space and she is not rushing to a lawyer yet to get a divorce. She also says she may not be willing to try to work things out. I have read stop your divorce and some of his points are correct. But does any one realy know the right thing to do? I am trying to get her to go to counseling and she just says she will think about it. I would do anything to try to get my marriage back on track and get my family back under one roof. Any Body Have any Ideas. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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