I need perspective...and thoughts on improving myself

[razz90]

So long story short, I visited a friend (let;s call him T) in California who i've known for bout a yr and a half...We hung out for a few days first time we met, then kept in touch over email and skype, and decided to volunteer at a farm/commune together for 2 weeks this month. I can't drive, so he did the driving (I told him I felt it was unfair but he said he honestly didn't mind). We got romantically involved, and it felt like we were a couple.

So anyway, previous to this, I had an experience which made me realize how selfish I was (taking for granted people's hospitality etc), so I was trying my utmost to not be selfish. But I'm looking back on the experience and wondering if I succeeded.

Sure, I tried my best to be respectful while at the farm, and staying at his place. There was no work schedule, but I always asked if anyone needed help, and worked enthusastically on the jobs I was given. I wanted to make dinner for everyone one night, (which T didn't want to do as it was a big task), so I planned it and he helped me cook, I made sure to clean up after myself (once or twice I forgot to wash my dishes though). However I feel like I was also very lazy. I didn't want to take over and plan things I wanted to do, because this was T's trip as well as mine and I wanted him to do what he wanted as well, esp as he was driving etc. He wanted to go to some place a few hours away for the last few days, and HE is the one who asked how to get there, who decided what day, who decided where we were gonna stop off on our way back, booked the hostel etc. And who prepared and made sure we had everything we needed , eg sleeping bags etc. And well, right now I feel really bad. I mean, I wasn;t sure how to help at the time, as I knew nothing about california, or camping or what we needed etc, and I did offer to help or ask if he needed anything, but he declined. It was almost like he didn't trust me with things...which is fair enough. Also, when cleaning up after ourselves, HE took the initiative, i.e cleaning mattresses, sweeping the floor of our trailer etc. I helped ofcourse, but rarely was it I who said 'Ok let's shake out the mattress" - he got to it first. Obviousely I'm not as independent and responsible as him, though I'm working on it. I just feel like...I didn't know how to be like him, and help him.. And a few times he called me out on things....eg accidentally folding his book backwards, putting my feet on the outdoors table at the farm, playing a music video on my phone in the kitchen, while people were playing guitars in the next room, saying the word 'retarded', etc. And when we stayed in a trailer in the middle of nowheer on our last few days, we accidentally left a large water bottle outside the trailer, and when he remembered it, I said 'its not the end of the world', and he was like 'yeah but it's disrespectful' which I agreed with, because it was, but I guess I thought calling to let them know it was there would be good enough.

 

T admitted to me he is a total people pleaser, and he doesn't like to offend people. Which is why I am wondering was it just a clash of personalities, or am I truly a selfish and disrespectful person? I honestly don't MEAN to be, that last thing I ever want to do is hurt people, but I feel like I did that inadvertendly.

 

So all I'm asking, is for your perspective, and your thoughts. I need to know what's wrong with my behaviour, so I can improve myself.

 

Thanks for reading

[spiderowl]

It sounds like some of the things you did were a bit thoughtless but other things were thoughtful and considerate. He sounds quite a critical person, quite neat and tidy and mindful of others. I'd say you don't sound ideally suited as you are more relaxed than him and would probably find his concerns too much. He'd probably find you less considerate.

 

Did he appreciate any of the things you did do? Did he thank you or praise you for helping him? Did you do likewise for him? It sounds like you've both been brought up differently and the differences are showing. He might help you to become more considerate of others and you might help him to relax and have fun a bit. Who knows? I think you're going to have to decide for yourself whether there was any merit in what he's said and whether he's also capable of being positive about you too. It's one thing to criticise someone but if that person can't encourage and support too, then the situation could rapidly become very negative and unpleasant for you.

[razz90]

thanks for the response! Well apart from what was mentioned, it was pretty much great! He absolutely thanked me and noticed all the nice/considerate things I did, and he did a lot for me too. I think you're right in that there was a slight personality clash (esp as spending 2 weeks with someone, you notice the minor details about them and their behaviour/personality that you didn't before), as I am more laid back and easy going than him, whereas he tends to be more considerate and respectful than me. I guess spending time with someone like this made me reevaluate myself, and wonder if I was wrong or an inconsiderate person...

 

In any case, I told him there is a childish/selfish part of me that came out a couple times during our trip , and that I;m sorry for that, but he assured me there was nothing to apologize for and that I didn't do anything wrong. So I guess it's all good!

 

I do wonder though about these personality clashes...how do others deal with them? Do you ever doubt yourself when spending time with someone who lives their life differently? How do you know when something is simply who you are, or something to improve on? Thoughts appreciated!