gf is jelous, smothering, untrusting etc

[steve433961]

My gf can be very overbearing, jelous and need more attention than i feel there are hours in the day.

 

We get on amazingly when things are good, we have great fun together and as a guy i have to say sexually i have all i can ask for! She is also stunningly beautiful. We pretty much live in each others pockets, and when things are good i really love this....BUT sometimes its just all a bit too much, especially when things go bad....

 

We have only been together 6 months, i am 34 she is 25. We were casual for about 6 months then we moved in together (she moved in with me).

Before I move on i have to say I dont regret us doing this even though it was pretty quick, and apart from the issues i will go into, things are great, but often these issues can really cloud the positive things we have.

 

So..

 

Since we have been together she has had a HUGE jelousy towards any girls i have contact...which is very rarely! I am a musician who speaks to a few vocalists via emails and occasionally record them, but have no close female friends. I am a dj too but am really not an extroverted kinda guy that goes for girls in that situation. I have NEVER cheated on any gf im my life. On the other hand she regularly speaks to exes/ casual male friends ( which i might add she has had alot of, where as i have had very few sexual partners)...but i TRY my best not to be jelous about such things.

In her defence i very occasionally dont call when i say i am going to, but this is always when i am genuinely busy working. She is very affectionate and i guess sometimes i can be a bit lazy.

 

Her mind works overtime 24/7, and often she will accuse me of cheating/ flirting. She checks my emails and phone regularly and will add 2+2 and =5 with so many things...its really frustrating.

 

The advice i am looking for is how to deal with a partner like this who you really care for and love, but feel that she is not understanding that sometimes we have other things in life we NEED to do! I want her to feel secure - i am not going to leave her or cheat on her. I have told her these things time and time again but its like she makes her own mind up .... im quite clearly lying about everything :/

 

Sorry this must appear like a rant... it feels like it. Im open to any questions you may have to make things more clear if they arent so far.

 

thanks in advance!

 

steve

Edited July 25, 2012 by steve433961
change relationship duration

[Radu]

You do not deal with a partner like this.

You leave a partner like this.

 

You can't change her, only she can change herself, and you sound like such a pushover that it's impossible.

Not to mention that once the relationship dynamics have been established, it's very hard to go back on them.

You break up with her, because ... well ... do you want to live your life with her like this ?

[steve433961]

You do not deal with a partner like this.

You leave a partner like this.

 

You can't change her, only she can change herself, and you sound like such a pushover that it's impossible.

Not to mention that once the relationship dynamics have been established, it's very hard to go back on them.

You break up with her, because ... well ... do you want to live your life with her like this ?

 

very interesting you say im a pushover.... right now i feel like it. she has recently admitted she has a problem and is now seeking help via hypnotherapy for her jelousy issues. it took me to literally pack all her things and said if she didnt 100% trust me then we have no future. she promised she would trust me and things have got a little better, but still she over analyses everything in her head and i can see the troubles brewing days before they happen. it seems whatever i do, whatever angle i take just makes things worse!

 

now she knows she cant bring up trust issues in fear of losing me she has changed how she approaches it. 'why were you so long working with this girl' constant digging at me, i dont make any effort with her. to me its all a cry for attention - for me to give her more love....but how can you love someone when the natural reaction is to run the other direction in this situation. all i want is for her to take a deep breath and let things flow naturally. lose the insecurities

 

often she will ask me whats wrong when there is nothing...she will push and push on this until i say that the only thing thats wrong is her pushing and her insisting that somethings wrong! it all blows out of proportion then we are in an argument where exterior factors are brought into it that werent even there. it if feels like she sabotages the good in our relationship to create an issue!

[Leigh 87]

Damn. I wrote a LONG reply and hit basckspace and it deleted!!! **** it.

 

Okay, well it sucks when you genuinely love a girl, and love is not enough to make her problems bearable. It is GREAT to find a girl you love, but a HUGE bummer for you to have to deal with serious issues.

And yes, severe jealousy IS a huge issue; it is indicative of how she vies herself, and how she handles her feelings about herself. She is pushing you away, and for you to flourish and be truly happy together, she has to reall change.

 

I had MAJOR problems when I met my boyfriend. We worked thruogh them together, but it WAS HARD. There was a LOT OF DRAMA.

I recommend having time apart for a month or two, so she can seek professional help for her issues. If she is really SERIOUS about changing herself, and ACKNOWLEDGES she HAS a problem - she can quiet possible fix it, and you guys can ge truly happy:)

But for her to change, she first needs to realize the has a problem! It is NOT healthy to doubt your partner so much! HAving 1 or 2% od uncertaintly and doubt is NORMAL; incessantly thinking your cheating is NOT normal.

 

It has taken me 1.5 years to change to the extent where my bf and I are blissfully happy with rare arguring ( about unrelated issues to jealously and self esteem issues). It WAS worth it, but it is a LONG and HARD road to take.

Think long and hard about wheather your willing to stick around why thsi girl does some SERIOUS work, in order to change for the better.

You sound like she is worth it to you at this stage, so at least get her to SEE she needs help, and that if she loves you, she should try her best to make it work.

 

Good luck man, I hope you get her to SEE she truly needs help, and that although she is AWESOME already, that your relationship will not survive unless she makes changes.

[steve433961]

thanks for your reply leigh!

 

one thing you said really resonated with me: love is not enough to make her problems bearable. and thats exactly how it seems to me. she craves more and more of my attention and occasionally i cant give her that due to normal life commitments that we all have. In her head she sees that i am good one day (when i can give her my undivided attention) then bad the next when im working etc. I give her more time than i already should and my work and social life have become significantly impaired due to this. We have spoke about this many times and her view is i can do as i please. However the reality is she will make things as difficult as possible for me to get on with things outside our relationship - making me feel guilty, complaining im late back, saying she doesnt really no what i get up to when im at work - i could be anywhere...sigh

 

its really tiring and frustrating....

 

as you say she is pushing me away, which is very odd as i know this is the last thing she wants. she really is head over heels with me as i am her. it just feels to me though that the love is slowly being picked away by all this. i now find myself taking on her role, to see how she feels when im very jelous or possessive with her. snoop on her fb etc. but somehow she doesnt see it. who knows maybe it actually makes her feel better...any attention is better than none!

 

Leigh can i ask, how did you exactly go about working your problems? to me i feel my gf brain is stuck in a pattern she cant escape from. in my limited experience of counselling im not sure how this will help her. They seem to listen and ask questions but very rarely have input. from how i see my gf she needs something more active. like when your stressed you take a deep breath which takes your mind off things for a moment. she is seeking hypnotherapy next week. hopefully this will be a great start!

 

thought i'd just add this in there to show the dynamics of our relationship when actually things are good:

 

when she feels good she can be quite overbearing with her affection, be it sex, hugs kissing, poking prodding my body saying how hot i am... etc (most guys prob want this but it can often be way ott), she can never get enough! whilst its lovely and i reciprocate this to a certain degree, it can become too much. if i say please stop for 5 minutes, she will then go completely the other way and show NO attention. In her words at that time she is doing what i do. Im never that cold! I tried explaining to her that we should shave off the extremes and try and be more consistent and that will give us a better grounding in our relationship. i struggle to see that grounded and her can be put in the same sentence... but i still have hope!

Edited July 25, 2012 by steve433961
adding some info

[RiverRunning]

I had a similar issue with my boyfriend. But in my case, it was warranted - like you say your girlfriend chats up her exes, my boyfriend was doing something similar with the ex who came right before me (tbh, it was obvious he was not over her). It was a HUGE power struggle that went on for far too long before he finally did right by me and cast her out.

 

Long story short? It was about a year after it all stopped before I felt 'normal' again. And to some extent that pain will always be there, albeit in a manageable way. Who gets into love without ever getting scars, after all?

 

Her checking your phone and e-mails is unacceptable. Find a way to block her access to that stuff. Tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it any longer. Or, ask her for access to her phone and e-mails.

 

OP, I don't want to be the one to bring it up - but the fact that she's accusing you of cheating when she's still chatting up all her past beaus doesn't bode well for you. My honest feeling is that she's cheating on you, and projecting her own guilt ONTO YOU. It becomes justification for her cheating - "Well, he's going to cheat on me, so I'll cheat on him first." Or it becomes a way of dealing with her guilt - "I'm cheating, but he's acting suspicious, so he's probably cheating too. It's all okay."

 

Go into this with your eyes wide open. If I were you, it's time to set limits: if she's going to be so jealous of your career, you both think it's time for you to establish limits with each other. One of those limits is that you would appreciate it if she didn't talk to her exes anymore. See how she reacts. Does she shrug it off or does she get very upset with you? If it's the latter, watch out. There's a strong emotional attachment to the exes that should not be there.

 

My honest feeling is she's cheating with an ex.

[freestyle]

I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that she's cheating, it could be that she really is that insecure. Perhaps she was cheated on in a previous relationship, and is still hyper-vigilant. Not excusing her, just considering underlying reasons.

 

 

I'm going to point out the incompatibility with your lifestyle (being a musician-I presume performing live--and a dj) It's a career that absolutely will put you in the position of being hit-on by women, whether you put the vibe out or not.

You could do nothing to warrant it, and you'll STILL end up with drunk chicks hitting on you in between sets, or at the end of the night.

That can drive even a confident & secure woman crazy after awhile---for someone with jealousy issues, it will be very triggering.

 

That combined with a jealousy-prone gf (who wants to monopolize your time) is rarely going to be a lasting relationship.

 

I'm not saying that to criticize you, I say that as someone who's been around the music scene, and knows a lot of musicians. I just don't see a relationship like you have now, working in the long run---UNLESS she does a lot of internal work.

[steve433961]

thanks for your replies, i have taken them all on board.

 

firstly i'd like to say i dont think she has cheated on me, the thought has crossed my mind for the same reasons discussed..."the thief believes everyone else is a thief". also i dont believe she chats up exes but likes to keep in contact with them... part of me believes when she feels i dont give her enough attention she can get it from them. from messages she has shown me they dont appear to be flirtatious, however she is a very outgoing/ boisterous girl, and possibly those lines are easier to cross and appear within her 'normal character. funnily enough one message i read between her and ex had her complaining about me to the ex and he said i quote ' well you always were the green eyed monster'!

 

Im not absolved from blame here, i have made plenty of mistakes in the relationship. i went through a short period of lying... she found out BEFORE we were together i had also seen another girl. Just to clarify we werent together at that point, but were casual.... we had seen each other about 5 times over a couple of months period. I regret seeing the other girl as it didnt really mean anything. she was more of a friend that slipped into sleeping together a couple times. During this time i started falling for my gf, BUT because of my gf character -extremely boisterous, openly very sexual person etc, i never thought we would get together, hence why i didnt dissuade the other girls advances. SO when she found out what happened with the other girl i understand she felt saddened. plus i know she has been cheated on in her past and has had pretty rocky relationships. anyway.... the next night she went out and flirted with a guy, he was texting her that night when she came home drunk and in turn passed out. he was saying he was confused by her advances...but what the hell come over to his, he will pay for taxi! i confronted her the next day and of course she did it as she was annoyed at me for not being honest with her. i accept her flirting with the guy, i deserved it for not being open with her, I presumed she was sleeping around when we were casual... she certainly talked very openly about some pretty crazy sexual encounters with both men and women. How was i to no she was only sleeping with me when we were just casual, ??! you just dont think that of a girl who is telling you all her wild stories!

 

also maybe we moved in together too soon. it has put alot of pressure on her as she moved away from her family and friends. all this surely has put more pressure on our relationship. she does get on amazingly well with my family and most of my friends. so its not like she is alone here, but i think sometimes she feels she is. my family thinks she is lovely but thy are concerned for my wellbeing and also concerned my career will suffer...

 

 

i think the best thing we can both do is have some time apart from the relationship. let the dust settle and see where we are at. hopefully she can get on well with counselling. i really dont want us to split. i am focusing on the negative with the above stuff...and yes there has been enough! but when things are good we get on so amazing as lovers and as friends

[Leigh 87]

I moved in with my boyfriend soon - about 6 months in, and I was at his place half of the time at the 5 month mark.

 

He also kissed a girl a week or two after he met me! But it meant nothing, and I told him to do it - that we were casual, young, and having fun, and to date other people until we got serious.

 

Apparently he kissed her, felt bad, and stopped. He liked me and just isnot the multi dating type of guy. Nor am I a multi dater by nature. eve though I think it IS a more effiecient way to date, in theory!

 

 

 

........... Look, she had jealously issues, and she needs to address the reasons WHY she feels this way.

 

 

One of the main reasons I changed, is because I was embarrassed by my behaviour! Jealousy was not that rampant with ME, although it came up a little, but it was my insecureity that caused me to cause uneccesary issues.

I look back, and I always felt terrible! I felt bad being a drama queen, who was so insecure that she constantly caused issues in an otherwise great relationship!

 

.... I was socially isolated because of a mental disorder, so when I met my boyfriend, I was a fish out of water when it came to social interaction! This is NOT the same as jealously, but I demonstrated some TERRIBLE and very deviant social behaviours in front of my bf and his mates...

I changed, because I saw how i acted was not ideal, and wanted to better myself.

 

 

 

I think you need to remind your girlfriend of a few things, and have a basic, honest discusion with her, including telling her:

 

- you love her and are really into her, but she is pushing you away by her insecurity, and you will not stay with her and your relationship will NOT LAST at this rate. If she loves you she would try hard to change to make thigns work, and first of all, she needs to see that she NEEDS to change, in order TO change.

 

- Tell her the way she acts is not very pleasant, and that she is BETTER than that type of behaviour! Tell her " look, your an attractive, fun, clever girl! Why are you acting in ways that make you look bad?"

 

..........Just talk to her, tell her about how the relatioship will not work if she cotinues to push you away, and for you two to work out in the long run, she needs to change.

[stace87]

im the gf.

 

id like to just say

this man had come and visited me in spain where i was living, told me he loved me, later asked me to move in with him and was then sleeping with the other girl after he had asked me to move in, that in addition to other lies in our first few months made me have the issues i have with this man, trust takes a second to break and a lifetime to build, he asked me not to leave him once i found out (which was only because i kno he had been lying for months - he is a bad liar and im not proad i looked at his emails but glad i did as i was being lied to constantly when i asked him if he slept with her)if the situation was in fact how he stated 'he was sleeping with the girl before he had feeling for me i clearly would not have been so hurt as what difference would it make to me? it was before me and him had anything. other issues that i am jealous about any normal girl would be, it is not that im jealous of every girl, one who txts my partner 5 kisses on a message, to me does not seem like its appropriate in a professional relationship, especially when the girl does not know i exist and my partner sends kissy messages back the other has in the past said provocative things and naturally i am therefore wary. Im sure i can be too much sometimes, i cannot help this, he is the most gorgeous man in the world, and i love him more than anything in the world, its only natural i would display that in my actions. There are lots of other parts i could pick out of what he has said and correct but realistically there would be no point as after reading how unhappy he is with me its only fair that we do break up so he can move on and be happy.