"dating other people"

[youngskywalker]

My g/f and I of almost 2 years have been long distance for quite some time. We are experiencing the downfalls of LD togetherness and if something doesn't change the relationship is going to expire soon.

 

Mostly, it's on her end of not feeling loved enough and not being able to see me enough. Fair enough.

 

We were talking tonight and I suggested that she start to date other people in order to keep her options open and get her mind off things (being me). It's crazy but I think it's the only chance we have to stay together. Otherwise her mind is just going to blow up and she will dump me all together.

 

I wouldn't mind dating other people too. That wouldn't happen right away as I'm super busy with my career and I'm not very outgoing. But eventually if the opportunity came along I would too.

 

I'm just confused at all this because it seems like such an oxymoron to date other people to keep your relationship. When we are together we get along wonderfully but being apart is just really hard.

 

Any thoughts on this?

[MrCastle]

That might be best. I'm of the (maybe harsh) belief that LDR's are not real relationships. They're relationships in theory.

 

To me, you can't have a relationship without the physical. I'm not talking sex, although that's certainly part of it. But just being able to hug them, or kiss them, cuddle up to them on the couch and watch a movie. Little things like that. I want my SO to be just a short drive away. Where I can connect with her physically, at any given time. Whether to hold her when she cries after a bad day, or when it's time for us to do our business. I don't know how some people do it, to me any relationship lacking one of the major legs (physical stimulation, emotional support) is not a relationship. Only in title.

 

You have to do what you feel is best for the relationship overall. I've known plenty of people who have taken breaks, dated other people, and went back to the original person. In the end, they realized that the original person was the best one for them.

[youngskywalker]

In the end, they realized that the original person was the best one for them.

 

Or the other way around, they realize the person 'wasn't' right for them. I guess you have to believe if you are truly right for each other the chain will be almost impossible to break.

[RiverRunning]

That might be best. I'm of the (maybe harsh) belief that LDR's are not real relationships. They're relationships in theory.

 

 

 

I agree. I think that there are few ways in which an LDR can work: one of them is 'opening up' or finding a way to close the distance as soon as possible. I'd imagine you guys are probably in your early to mid 20s - maybe not fully financially established, still in school? If that's the case, then it could be a while yet before you could get it to be a close-distance relationship.

 

If it's going to be an open LDR - I suspect the whole thing is on its last breath anyways. One of you, or even both of you, are likely to meet people closer by and move on.

 

Do you really think you could take knowing that she's with others, OP? What kind of limits would you hope to set with her?

[youngskywalker]

Do you really think you could take knowing that she's with others, OP? What kind of limits would you hope to set with her?

 

I would be ok with it "I think". As far as limits, I guess you can't really expect too much. Some guy is going to go on a date with her and put the moves on her. That's reality.

 

She isn't the type that is going to sleep around. If she has sex with someone then I'd be confident she found someone new and isn't just out banging around. At that point it would pretty much be over.

 

My options are few. Break up, or have an open relationship that most likely won't work. It sucks because if we lived in the same town I know things would be different but I simply CANNOT change that in the near future.

[RiverRunning]

 

My options are few. Break up, or have an open relationship that most likely won't work. It sucks because if we lived in the same town I know things would be different but I simply CANNOT change that in the near future.

 

Given that - maybe it would be best if you guys can talk it over and just end the relationship? I can understand it's hard, it's difficult and you care for one another - you don't have to hate each other for it to be over - but I'd imagine opening it up is just going to cause even more guilt. The further each of you start to drift away from one another and the closer you get to other partners - the more that guilt may intensify.

 

I've seen fights arise out of that sort of thing - it's sort of a passive way of trying to deal with guilt, especially if the openness is perceived as not being balanced (i.e., she's seeing someone and you're not).

 

I'm guessing it's going to be years before you guys could possibly close up the distance? If it were going to be maybe another year, I would suggest trying to hold on, but I don't know.

 

After a while, I think that LDRs can start to hold both people back. Your girlfriend, it sounds like, is already experiencing one of the nasty side effects of an LDR: loneliness and neglect.

 

Keep thinking on it, OP. Start anticipating what could go wrong if you open it up. I did find an article once about 'trials to see if you should open up your relationship.' But I can't find it now. Drat. May have been helpful for you.

 

Best wishes to you, man. It's tough.

[youngskywalker]

I'm guessing it's going to be years before you guys could possibly close up the distance? If it were going to be maybe another year, I would suggest trying to hold on, but I don't know.... Your girlfriend, it sounds like, is already experiencing one of the nasty side effects of an LDR: loneliness and neglect..

 

My job is the seasonal construction type. I will be with her during the winter time but she is still coming unglued. You sooooo nailed it when you said she is feeling loneliness and neglect. She expresses this to me but there is nothing I can do. No matter what I do, she still feels this way.

 

Her solution is to just get married. Typical girl IMO, 'just get married because she has nothing to loose'. Well I've worked hard and have a lot to loose. The lawful marriage system is geared toward the woman when it comes to divorce. I have many friends who went through it and I don't want any part of it.

[dasein]

I don't agree with ever suggesting dating other people unless you are ready for a full and final breakup. Date others = the end generally. Same with "breaks." Break = breakup. Some people are cut out for LDR and some aren't. If either of you is not, time to go your separate ways. Good luck.

[Emilia]

Mostly, it's on her end of not feeling loved enough and not being able to see me enough. Fair enough.

 

We were talking tonight and I suggested that she start to date other people in order to keep her options open and get her mind off things (being me). It's crazy but I think it's the only chance we have to stay together. Otherwise her mind is just going to blow up and she will dump me all together.

 

I wouldn't mind dating other people too. That wouldn't happen right away as I'm super busy with my career and I'm not very outgoing. But eventually if the opportunity came along I would too.

 

I'm just confused at all this because it seems like such an oxymoron to date other people to keep your relationship. When we are together we get along wonderfully but being apart is just really hard.

 

Any thoughts on this?

 

Sounds like you are checking out of the relationship already. Perhaps this is why she has been clingy of late, she has sensed it. Has she dumped you for this idea yet? I would.

[youngskywalker]

What a load of crap. If you live in the US, most states are community property states - women don't just "walk off" with everything you've earned.

 

You expect this woman to just stay in some kind of quasi relationship that suits YOU because you don't want to take things to the next level. She's of a different mind and you're just wasting her time. This type of relationship is a waste of time anyway.

 

I definitely think you both should start dating - then she can find someone who doesn't think she's only good enough for seasonal visits and nothing more.

 

I have a lot to say on this. Basically I think you are completely wrong.

 

First of all, I do live in the U.S. and women DO walk away with everything. Everything meaning- half of what they didn't have in the first place and did nothing to make themselves. I know this first hand because I have a couple friends that build up businesses from the ground up and the chick took at least half. She did nothing to make it happen except staying at home and sleeping in till 9 a.m. every morning. So please.

 

Second, it's not a quasi relationship. We love each other but it's just hard to be apart. You have no concept of what it means to be smothered by someone else. My girl is kind hearted and well meaning but when someone else just throws themselves at you it can be unattractive. She's always asking me when we are going to get married and how much she wants to be with me. If a guy did the same thing to you (assuming you're a girl): you'd have him dumped in a second. Nobody likes someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. It takes away from the chase which ALL of us need whether we admit it or not.

[ja123]

Nobody likes someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. It takes away from the chase which ALL of us need whether we admit it or not.

 

I don't think you're interested in a serious committed LTR. Be honest with yourself.

 

The chase ends when you're in one. That doesn't mean one accepts overly neediness and clinginess (the best LTR's are composed of two people who keep their own identities and have boundaries), but it does mean being able to be vulnerable in front of the other and knowing one's loved anyway. Perhaps that could be called "wearing your heart on your sleeve."

 

Stop wasting this girl's time.

[youngskywalker]

I don't think you're interested in a serious committed LTR. Be honest with yourself.

 

The chase ends when you're in one. That doesn't mean one accepts overly neediness and clinginess (the best LTR's are composed of two people who keep their own identities and have boundaries), but it does mean being able to be vulnerable in front of the other and knowing one's loved anyway. Perhaps that could be called "wearing your heart on your sleeve."

 

Stop wasting this girl's time.

 

Look, I'm not saying I'm not all messed up right now. Perhaps I am. I know I love this girl but I just wish I could just chase her a little. Girls who throw them selves at guys never get to far. It's just the truth. And with her dating other guys guys: as twisted as that might sound: actually makes me want her more. I actually like the idea of her sleeping around. I know, I'm a freak but it is what it is.

 

Second, I'm really struggling with the idea of marriage. I see it more as a religious institute and I've lost my religion the last couple of years.

[Negative Nancy]

I suggested that she start to date other people in order to keep her options open

 

I wouldn't mind dating other people too.

Any thoughts on this?

You guys sound like you have a very deep, serious and committed relationship.

 

 

[youngskywalker]

You guys sound like you have a very deep, serious and committed relationship.

 

Perhaps I'm not seeing something that everyone else is. But, have you ever been in a LDR? There is a reason why most of them never work out. Distance kills it rather than a lack of depth, seriousness or commitment.