She was with someone else early on

[Mr blonde]

My girlfriend of 10 months lied about sleeping with someone early on. *We have been thinking of moving in together and she recently told me about this so that she didn't have to keep the lie moving forward. *

 

We met and started dating for 3 weeks. *We went on 8 dates or so in this time and we felt a strong attraction and connection. *We had some heavy make out sessions but had not slept together yet or said we were exclusive. She is from Europe and was only in the US a few months before we met. *She told me about a friend that would visit from Europe and that she would go on a two week trip driving around the US. *This was a male friend of hers so I asked her if this was a romantic trip or just a friend. *She told me that he was a client of hers through her work and that they had known each other for a year but in the last few months they had been talking everyday and had turned to a romantic relationship over the phone. *They planned this trip for a couple months, but then she met me. She told him that maybe it was not a good idea for him to come anymore since she was having feelings for me. *He had already paid for the trip and still wanted to come. *She said that she didn't know what to do and thought that she should still go on the trip as friends since they had never been together. *I wasn't happy about this but didn't fight it. *We had only been dating a few weeks and we were not committed. *I trusted that she would do what she felt and if she chose to be with him then we weren't meant to be.

 

During her trip with him, she called or sent me texts almost everyday. *She said she missed me and couldn't wait until we could be together. *She came back in town a couple of times during these two weeks so I asked if we could meet. *If there was nothing between them then it shouldn't be a problem. She said that she asked her friend and he didn't want to meet me since he didn't speak English, but she also implied that he didn't want to meet the guy she now likes. I thought this was not the truth and that she was actually being romantic with him, obviously. *So I was hurt by this and went out one night, met someone and had sex. *

 

When her friend finally went home, we met and talked about her trip. *I was upset that she went, and that she wouldn't meet me while he was here when she was back in town. *I asked if she was together with him romantically and she maintained that he tried to make it romantic, but she said no because she felt a stronger connection with me. *I told her about the woman I slept with not only to be honest, but to also get the truth about her trip. *She still said that they were only friends, and was upset that I had slept with someone. *I really did not believe her and was not sure if I wanted to see her anymore. *We had sex for the first time after this argument and I was surprised that she wanted to. We were not close at this time and I was not happy with her, so why should we have sex? *

 

Over the next few weeks we continued to see each other, but I let her know that we were not monogamous. *I slept with two more women during this time because I was not so sure about her and thought I would see if someone else would be better for me. *I didn't tell her directly about these women, but I did tell her again and again that we were not monogamous. *After some time, I stopped seeing the other women because she and I really had better chemistry, we laughed together so much, and we really enjoyed our time together. *We decided that we would be exclusive and have now been together 10 months. *

 

Things have been progressing with us and we have been talking about moving in together. *She decided to tell me that she slept with this man during her trip so that she could have a clean slate before moving in together. *I was furious because although I did not believe her at first, over time I felt that maybe she did only remain friends with him and that maybe I was the jerk for sleeping around. *I told her about the first woman, so why would she maintain that she did not sleep with this man? My initial feeling about her story was correct and I felt betrayed that although we were not together at the time, she lied about what really happened while I told the truth. *Why she would tell me now I don't really know, but she says that she felt that I was still questioning this trip, and she felt guilty about the lie. I wasn't asking her direct questions about this after the initial month had past, but I would say things that were not true with us if she had been with him.

 

I don't know what to do since I feel that we built the relationship on a lie and she kept the lie going for so long. *I am in love with her now and it hurts more now than if she would have told me then. *She says that she knows I would not have given her a chance if she told then, and that may be true. At least she would have been honest and let me decide for myself instead of deceiving me about her behavior and character. *She says that she is not one to sleep around but she was just in a bad situation having already planned this trip with him and he had already paid. *She says that she began the trip with the intention of being friends, but after a week of being together she decided to give him a chance. He was trying to be with her the entire time and she felt she could not say no any longer and that she should try to see if they had anything between them. The entire time she was with him she was telling me she missed me and couldn't wait to be together. *She said that he was upset that she would keep calling and texting me while they were together but she let him know that she still really likes me and didn't want to stop. She says that when she returned and we met, she was sure that she felt a stronger connection with me and later told him that she would be with me instead of him. *He was upset about this but got over it and remained her client.

 

She says they only have a professional relationship after this and he knows that she is with me. *She says they still talk, but mostly about business. She had to go back to Europe for work, where she told me they met at the trade show and had lunch. *Also, she met him again later because he transported some product for her that she could not carry in her travels. I wasn't really happy about this either, but did not want to be controlling of her and she had not admitted to me yet that she had slept with him.

 

When she told me about the lie, we didn't see each other for a few days. She was very upset and told me that everyone at work was asking her what was wrong. She says that only by coincidence, he contacted her for business at this time. It is hard for me to believe this as well and I suspect that she called him. He asked her what was wrong because she was obviously upset on the phone. *She told him about the situation between us and that we were having problems because of their trip together. I didn't really appreciate her sharing this with him and makes me feel even stronger that they are more than just friends.

 

I really am not sure what to do. *She and I were not exclusive when she was with him, but I am angry that she lied about the trip and that she talked with him about us. *She tells me the truth now that I am in love with her and it hurts as if she cheated on me. I ask questions and she shares these details with me that are also hard to believe. I don't know if I can trust her, but I would like to since we are good together.

 

Any advise on how to handle this? I can't decide if I should still be upset about this because she did want to tell me before we moved in together to clear her conscience. I still have a hard time believing some of the details she has shared, and I wonder if there is more to this than she is telling me. Maybe she is telling me part of the truth to make her feel better, but if I knew the entire truth it would for sure be over. Or maybe she really just doesn't want to be untruthful and wants to come clean. I cannot decide.

[dasein]

Welcome to the forum. The part that sticks out to me is that she was purposefully dishonest about the trip and the guy before and during it, then even when you fessed up about sleeping with someone, she was -still- dishonest, and didn't admit til months later? Of course these things happen that in early stages there may be sleeping around on both ends before exclusivity, so want to make clear I'm not sticking on the sex itself on either your or her part.

 

However this woman is very calculating. She is willing to lie to you and perpetuate the lie when given the occasion to correct it, then confess only when she feels it safe to do so. These types of women are not for me, and I find they cause all manner of dishonesty, drama and rationalization problems in the long run. But I'm a stickler on honesty when asked a direct question and still lying, it's pronounced, scheming dishonesty to do that, and that kills attraction to a woman for me instantly. It's an aspect of common female behavior I find completely repellent. Of course only you can decide what you will put up with. Good luck.

[Mr blonde]

Thank you for the response.

 

I agree with you and I am more upset with the lie than the sex. I can understand why she had sex with him. It's the lying part that makes it hard for me to forgive. What else has she lied about or what will she lie about in the future? I was hoping that being honest with her and willing to live with the consequences of my actions that she would give me the same

respect rather than use deception to portray herself in a more favorable light.

[foralittlerespect]

Thank you for the response.

 

I agree with you and I am more upset with the lie than the sex. I can understand why she had sex with him. It's the lying part that makes it hard for me to forgive. What else has she lied about or what will she lie about in the future? I was hoping that being honest with her and willing to live with the consequences of my actions that she would give me the same

respect rather than use deception to portray herself in a more favorable light.

 

I agree with what's been said.

 

Seems to me like she just gave in to this guy...you said he was pursuing her for a week and she decided to "give him a chance." Sounds more like he wore down her boundaries after she repeatedly told him she had feelings for you. Either a) he's a sleezeball or b) she lied about the entire nature of the situation...'BUT he already paid for the trip and I don't want to not go because he already paid blah blah blah...' Oh boo-hoo. If that was her only reason for going, she's a pushover. If it wasn't, she's lying to you to, as you said, cast herself in a more favorable light. BIG RED FLAG.

 

It's fine that you guys hadn't had the exclusive talk yet, but for 10 months, she was actively making you out to be the bad guy for pursuing other women and being honest about it. Sounds very manipulative to me...also, it seems like she is pretty comfortable in the victim role...

 

Either way, as a female, I shut down ALL other romantic connections when I'm serious about someone. Platonic relationships or business relationships, fine, but there is NO ambiguity there for me. I'm sorry if this is a bit harsh, but I would seriously think about what you're getting yourself into. The writing is on the wall: she wasn't honest with you when you were 100% honest with her about where your heart was, what you thought and felt, and your actions while you were apart.

 

On a personal note: I dated a guy who actively pursued other relationships and lied about it. It was never a deliberate lie, more like half-truths, or telling me 90% of the story while leaving out the crucial 10%. I eventually got enough self-respect to leave, because I finally realized he wasn't capable of transparency, only of maintaining his false self-image as the 'good guy' and me as the bad guy for doubting him. Turns out I had every reason to doubt him.

 

On a metaphorical note: when someone tells the truth, it's like solid ground. When they lie, it's like water... When they half lie half tell the truth, it's like jello--you can't walk on it OR swim in it, and you can NEVER get your footing.

[Mr blonde]

Yes the whole "he already paid" thing was bs. She did later say that she did want to go. This man was her only friend for months. She had no car and was new to the US. She had really been looking forward to this trip. Meeting me complicated everything for her and I can understand the conflict. The lie still bothers me. Her still talking with him still bothers me and they met in Europe. Maybe she is telling me half truths about this as well, and at this time she and I were committed.

 

I don't know if she has given me any other reason to not trust her. As far as I can tell she is a faithful, loving woman who wants to be with me. It's just hard to know if this is real or not.

 

Sorry you had a bad experience with your ex. I wish people would just tell the truth about who they really are and live with it.

[foralittlerespect]

Yes the whole "he already paid" thing was bs. She did later say that she did want to go. This man was her only friend for months. She had no car and was new to the US. She had really been looking forward to this trip. Meeting me complicated everything for her and I can understand the conflict. The lie still bothers me. Her still talking with him still bothers me and they met in Europe. Maybe she is telling me half truths about this as well, and at this time she and I were committed.

 

I don't know if she has given me any other reason to not trust her. As far as I can tell she is a faithful, loving woman who wants to be with me. It's just hard to know if this is real or not.

 

Sorry you had a bad experience with your ex. I wish people would just tell the truth about who they really are and live with it.

 

 

Me too! Live and learn, right?

 

I would be bothered by her still talking to him, too. But it's just a question of how much you are willing/able to trust her at this point. Because, as many people told me, a relationship without trust is no relationship at all.

 

The only thing I'd say is to not minimize how you feel about this situation for the sake of the relationship. It's certainly possible to get past it. Our instincts serve us well when we listen, so whatever that is for you, follow it : )

 

Best of luck to you.

[Mr blonde]

Thank you for sharing your opinion. Best of luck to you as well.