boyfriend is so nit-picky, im starting to feel not good enough..

[cruelsweetness]

Hello All!

 

I hope you can be of some aid in sorting through my current dilemma.

 

my boyfriend and i have been together for about a year and a half and we are 29 and 30. we have been living together about 7 months. he has always been a critical person, but wow in the past few months its really starting to weigh me down.

 

Let me give some background -

 

He's an only child of 2 wealthy parents with hearts of gold - but they have done so much for him I think it has become a handicap. His mother is wonderful and horrible at the same time, if that is even possible in your minds. She gives and gives and gives to the point where, yes he has grown up and will always be spoiled. (her words, not mine - he is her baby - barf)

 

She has a very neurotic personality and she has made his life extremely easy. She is in finance and therefore still handles his bank accounts and investments. For a period of time after college he lived at home and she did all his laundry perfectly, keeps her house SPOTLESS, buys him everything he would ever want and then some.

 

So, he has been living with me and he has become extremely nit picky. For example, he is constantly telling me the house isn't clean enough. I keep a clean house but it certainly is not as clean as an OR! And no, he doesn't offer too much help - just here and there. we both work full time jobs, I leave an hour earlier than he does and come home the same time and I have lots of hobbies because I am trying to work on my fitness and also therapy for my injuries so I try to get to the gym and etc, while cooking and cleaning, and running a home.

 

One major complaint was our (mainly his) bathroom. After he complained about how dirty it was, he made a comment that he was going to call his mother to clean our house because no one would ever get it as clean as she could. I flipped out and felt extremely upset hurt and humiliated! I ended up cleaning it on my hands and knees the following day to which he said (afterward) "what did you use to clean the floor, its sort of greasy" no thank you or hey the bathroom looks good or anything - or even nothing at all! just straight criticism. O M G.

 

It has been getting worse because his (now our) puppy has had an allergic reaction - not sure if its food or environmental. she isn't getting better because he will not follow the advice the vet gave (like keeping a cone on her, administering meds she doesn't like) and like I insist - because he doesn't like to see her uncomfortable. Therefore, she keeps scratching and making her problems worse. Alas - this is all my fault because I haven't cleaned well enough, or I touch her the wrong way and irritate her skin. OMG AGAIN.

 

The list goes on but today I had a breaking point. Between the cleaning, his laundry not being done at the right time or perfectly enough, the cooking never being good enough or maybe I sliced an onion wrong, I can't take it anymore. I burst into tears this afternoon and explained that i felt like I couldn't do many things right for him and I was bending over backwards to be a good girlfriend. The conversation took an immature turn with him cracking jokes and not really making an attempt to make me feel better (I am PMSing as well, so please don't think I cry at the drop of every hat!) and then it took a turn for the worse. He brought up the cleaning AGAIN and said that his mom would do it better. I finally confessed through tears that I literally felt like I couldn't compete with her and I would never do anything better than her to which he said, "well when it comes to cleaning, you wont. its like her hobby. if she was here she'd take everything off that shelf and dust it and scrub the baseboards every week." he also brought up the bathroom again and told me that after i cleaned it, he moved something and saw there was still some dust and an old razor that i missed - that i should stop pretending im perfect at everything because when it comes to cleaning i certainly am not." WOW.

 

Then, of course, he said the Kale I sauteed with dinner tasted to vinegary. The towel in the kitchen was gross, why was I still using it and not washing it. I didn't clean up the pee fast enough that his dog left on the floor AGAIN and he was stepping in it.

 

I am seriously at a breaking point. He finally eased up and apologized a little, but as soon as we got to bed as I was tenderly holding the dog, he consistently reminded me not to touch her face and once she scratched it, it was all my fault blah blah blah.

 

Does anyone else see what I am dealing with here? I am starting to feel like I wont add up to his expectations his mother set - I am not sure any woman could? I am his first and only real serious relationship that has a future - his other girlfriends have been drinking buddies, nothing of substance - I was always told by him what a great girl I was and how different it was to be with a "good girl" and how he could imagine a life with me. And then this starts happening more and more...

 

I want to tell his mother, who thinks the world of me (and our relationship) but I obviously don't want to upset her or involve her that much. I just don't know what to do. Is he sabotaging us? Sick of us? Trying to find a way out? Cold feet?

 

What do I do here? I am getting sick and tired of feeling like crap.

 

Thanks for reading my majorly long post

 

as a side note - i left our bedroom to come down and write this as i couldn't stop thinking and he came down about 20 minutes later concerned as to why i was not in bed and to be affectionate. i just don't understand.

Edited July 25, 2012 by cruelsweetness

[serial muse]

Wait, you live together?

 

So why isn't he doing the cleaning he's unhappy about, rather than telling you you missed a spot?

 

My blood pressure was rising just from reading your post. I can't believe this grown man actually threatened to call in his mother, rather than do it himself! Good god, that's irritating. And I'm not even going to get into the kale.

 

I honestly think that the next time he points out that you missed a spot on the bathroom shelf you should tell him two things:

 

1. Here is where we keep the cleaning supplies.

2. Your mother does not live here; you do. So grab a rag and get to work.

 

UGH.

 

Edited to add:

 

OK: 3. I fed your kale to the dog. Go raid the fridge.

Edited July 25, 2012 by serial muse

[alexandria35]

There is something seriously wrong with your boyfriend. He is definitely big spoiled mamas boy, but perhaps he is personality disordered in some way as well. He is emotionally abusing you and you are encouraging and enabling the abuse by going along with his demands. HIS bathroom was dirty and you felt compelled to clean it on your hand and knees and all he did was critisize the job you did. That is kind of sick and twisted.

 

I know a couple of clean freaks who are otherwise emotionally healthy. Things have to be absolutely spotless and sterile to meet their high standards of cleanliness and other people just can't measure up to the expectations of what clean should be. It's annoying but they understand that they are clean freaks and that this quirk is theirs to deal with. They realize that most normal people don't agonize over dusty baseboards or a few water spots left on a mirror and they are more than happy to dive in and clean things themselves. They don't try to force their high standards on anyone else and they sure as hell would never expect anyone else to clean their own dirty bathroom and then put that person down for not doing it right. Their clean freaks not controlling demanding assh*les.

 

And I'm sorry to tell you that you have a controlling demanding assh*le for a boyfriend and I do not see a successful relationship with him in your future. The longer you are with him the more controlling and demanding he will become. Marry him and he will be 10 times worse than he already is. He will destroy your confidence and your selfesteem over the years and if you do spend years with him you will most likely need counselling at some point to recover from the damage he will do to you.

 

The best case scenario here is that maybe he is only acting this way because you let him so he thinks it's okay. In which case you should heed the advise of the previous poster and the next time he bitches about the way you do something, you tell him to get of his lazy ass and do it himself. If he's been walking all over you just because you let him then getting told off by you a few times should get the message across that your days of being his personal doormat are over and he needs to smarten up RIGHT NOW! If that doesn't work then you really need to pack your bags and run for your life girl because this man will ruin you.

[Shiloh 2011]

Run, don't walk, away from this relationship. You are looking at the tip of an abusive iceberg.

 

i worked in finance for many years....criticizing a-holes are everywhere in that profession. And the criticizing nature, superiority complex, belief that no one can do things right except for you OFTEN carries over to family members. He grew up with this attitude and he won't change. Get out and get on with your life ASAP. Let him get his entertainment raking someone else over the coals.

[standtall]

Red alert city...don't invest anymore time with this guy unless you are prepared for the entire run of your relationship to be just like this.

[Els]

For as long as you cave whenever he pulls the 'mom will do it' threat, he will continue to do so.

 

My first suggestion would be: Stop doing all the cleaning for such an unappreciative prick. My second suggestion would be: Stop dating such an unappreciative prick. I do feel sorry for him, because I'm sure his mom is the reason he turned out the way you did, but you're only perpetuating the cycle by accepting his nonsensical behaviour and continuing to be with him. He will never change for as long as people keep doing that.

 

So yeah, do yourself and him a favour and leave. I'm sure there are some good parts to your R but this sounds inexcusable IMO.

[cruelsweetness]

In your next relationship, don't pick the guy (just) because he's rich.

 

haha! that makes me laugh. when I met him, he was unemployed, laid off from his last advertising job. had no clue about his parents money!

[KungFuJoe]

haha! that makes me laugh. when I met him, he was unemployed, laid off from his last advertising job. had no clue about his parents money!

 

I think it's telling that out of all the responses that you pick this one to respond to.

 

I think it shows that you are ignoring the REAL issue and that you will probably even start to defend the actions of your partner.

[Atlantico]

As far as I see it you must involve his mother on this and take advantage of her good side, as you put it...if her mother is so, she will call baby boy and give him some sense...

 

You first reaction is soooo usual: "its my problem so I should handle it alone"

 

Of course your bf should be told in clear terms to clean the toilet himself, but I would have a his mother tell him that, as well...

[BluGamma]

Is it bad that i laughed at how pathetic this guy sounds?

 

Calling his mother to clean the house... Straight up Mummys boy. I'm sorry im not one for cleaning, my fiancee normally does it but i dont criticise her and i always give her a hand. We are kind of balanced here though I do the cooking because she can't cook and she does the cleaning cause im useless at it (but i still try and help the best i can).

 

Your bf sounds soooooooooo Reliant on his mummy, the whole point of moving in with your partner or by yourself is the fact you have to learn to either stand on your own two feet with out mummy and daddy (sorry but im talking like that because it just suits how your bf sounds) or if you move in with your partner you learn to support eachother.

 

This is an idea if you can do it and restrain yourself from cleaning, is when he does it again, refuse to clean for a few days and when he eventually turns round to you and ask why you haven't bothered cleaning then tell him that you are sick of him doing what his been doing.

[freestyle]

If it was me---I'd tell him to kiss my a*s , and go marry his mother.

Tell him , good luck finding an emotionally healthy woman who's going to put up with that.

 

No one has the right to talk to you, or treat you as if you were a dim-witted child.

 

Unless you let them, of course.

 

This is beyond nit-picking , and well into the realm of emotional abuse.

And it will only get worse.

And the longer you put up with being treated that way, the more it will erode your self-esteem. (making it THAT much harder to beak free)

[cruelsweetness]

I think it's telling that out of all the responses that you pick this one to respond to.

 

I think it shows that you are ignoring the REAL issue and that you will probably even start to defend the actions of your partner.

 

sigh.

 

I haven't had a chance to respond to any of the things said above except I had a few minutes out of my work day to laugh at that response and say something quickly. I do appreciate your criticism and all the responses that have been giving, as I agree with many of them. When I have a moment to compile my thoughts, I will post back and join in on the conversation

[cruelsweetness]

As far as I see it you must involve his mother on this and take advantage of her good side, as you put it...if her mother is so, she will call baby boy and give him some sense...

 

You first reaction is soooo usual: "its my problem so I should handle it alone"

 

Of course your bf should be told in clear terms to clean the toilet himself, but I would have a his mother tell him that, as well...

 

 

 

Is this invading her space/involving her too much in our relationship being that we are grown adults?

 

I understand what you are saying, it seems rational enough..

[cruelsweetness]

If it was me---I'd tell him to kiss my a*s , and go marry his mother.

Tell him , good luck finding an emotionally healthy woman who's going to put up with that.

 

No one has the right to talk to you, or treat you as if you were a dim-witted child.

 

Unless you let them, of course.

 

This is beyond nit-picking , and well into the realm of emotional abuse.

And it will only get worse.

And the longer you put up with being treated that way, the more it will erode your self-esteem. (making it THAT much harder to beak free)

 

 

I completely agree with your thoughts here. In fact, that is why I originally created this post. I started thinking, hold up - this sh*t is more like emotional abuse!

 

I have come extremely close to telling him to go f*ck his mom. To be truthful, It would have ended quite horribly yesterday had I not been unable to not burst into tears.

 

Today has been a different story, seems to be a lot more careful with words and has been saying some compliments about things he usually doesn't say.

 

But really, why do I have to play teacher/therapist and teach him how to stand on his two feet? As the poster above said, he is SUCH a mommy's boy, more like a p*ssy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Excuse my language

 

I am glad you have all given me your insight. I am still at a bit of a crossroads - IS this an indicator of worse abuse in the future? IS this just something that will change? Unfortunately, until I have more clarity about my own self and this relationship, I am not quite ready to tell him to F off and move on. But, I am turning it over in my head...

[freestyle]

I completely agree with your thoughts here. In fact, that is why I originally created this post. I started thinking, hold up - this sh*t is more like emotional abuse!

 

I have come extremely close to telling him to go f*ck his mom. To be truthful, It would have ended quite horribly yesterday had I not been unable to not burst into tears.

 

Today has been a different story, seems to be a lot more careful with words and has been saying some compliments about things he usually doesn't say.

 

But really, why do I have to play teacher/therapist and teach him how to stand on his two feet? As the poster above said, he is SUCH a mommy's boy, more like a p*ssy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Excuse my language

 

I am glad you have all given me your insight. I am still at a bit of a crossroads - IS this an indicator of worse abuse in the future? IS this just something that will change? Unfortunately, until I have more clarity about my own self and this relationship, I am not quite ready to tell him to F off and move on. But, I am turning it over in my head...

 

Yes it IS an indicator of further emotional abuse.

Talking to you that way, and threatening to subject to humiliation by bringing his mother over to clean, shows me that he's NOT regarding you as an equal. (and therefore worthy of mutual respect)

 

Nor does that show any empathy for your feelings.

If he fails to SINCERELY apologize, then you're dealing with someone who has issues with being accountable for his behavior.

 

Which goes hand in hand with abuse of all types--the abuser is NEVER at fault-----which means guess *WHO* will always get blamed?

 

YOU will. After all you *did* miss a spot when you were cleaning.

 

Keep your eyes wide open, if you're going to stick it out with this guy.

Abuse goes in cycles---abusive behavior, followed by (fake) remorse and acting sweet. Then, BAM! Out of the blue, the abuse will start again.

 

The long-term effects of intermittent abuse can be very destabilizing for the partner living with it.

 

If you start to see patterns/cycles with his behavior, my recommendation is to get away, and don't fool yourself into thinking YOU can *fix* someone with those issues, by acquiescing, or being extra loving. Issues like that can only be healed internally, with tons of self-work, and introspection.

 

 

I'd like to recommend doing a google search for signs of emotional abuse--there's plenty of material available.

[syz]

why isn't he cleaning up his own messes again? At a minimum don't ever clean his bathroom again.. seriously. If he says hey this is dirty just check around the toilet for his piss splashes and say "yep you even missed the bowl you might want to don some gloves and get to it bf!"

[serial muse]

As far as I see it you must involve his mother on this and take advantage of her good side, as you put it...if her mother is so, she will call baby boy and give him some sense...

 

Oh God, do not do this. The whole point is that his mother is not a part of your relationship, and thus nobody should drag her into it (any more than she already has been a part of it, which, UGH). You don't want him running to her to clean up after him; neither should you.

 

The problem isn't her at this point; it's your BF. Keep the focus on that.

[alexandria35]

Oh God, do not do this. The whole point is that his mother is not a part of your relationship, and thus nobody should drag her into it (any more than she already has been a part of it, which, UGH). You don't want him running to her to clean up after him; neither should you.

 

The problem isn't her at this point; it's your BF. Keep the focus on that.

 

I agree. Running and telling his mommy on him, just reinforces and plays into the whole mammas boy scenario going on in your relationship. Do you want her running the show? The two of you should be able to resolve this issue without involving his mommy. If you can't do that then he isn't the one for you.