The bounce of emotions after going NC

[sleepie]

I've been trying very hard to work on myself, my issues, my M, and my family. But I find myself still thinking about xMM, despite efforts to put him out of my mind. Probably this will get a lot of judgmental responses about what a jerk I am, but writing about this is cathartic for me, and I don't journal or blog. So here it is.

 

I find that I have a lot of different emotions/thoughts about xMM.

 

Sometimes I hope he's so miserable that his trip to the Bahamas is ruined because of thoughts of me.

 

Sometimes I hope that he goes on and has a happy life, and gives his W and kids the attention they deserve (that I took away when he was engaging in his A with me).

 

Sometimes I hope that he thinks about me every day for a very, very long time.

 

Sometimes I hope that he forgets about me except as someone he used to know, so that the next time we meet (we will), he and I can just be civil and emotionless.

 

I guess this bounce of emotions is normal, right? Sometimes I feel vindictive and angry. Sometimes I feel resigned and relieved. Sometimes I just feel... confused. I try to shut these thoughts out of my head, try to just push thoughts of him away. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

 

Can anyone tell me when I'll move past this and be able to fully concentrate on my own life again?

[jwi71]

I've been trying very hard to work on myself, my issues, my M, and my family. But I find myself still thinking about xMM, despite efforts to put him out of my mind. Probably this will get a lot of judgmental responses about what a jerk I am, but writing about this is cathartic for me, and I don't journal or blog. So here it is.

 

Jerk

(I didn't want to disappoint you)

 

I find that I have a lot of different emotions/thoughts about xMM.

 

Sometimes I hope he's so miserable that his trip to the Bahamas is ruined because of thoughts of me.

 

Sometimes I hope that he goes on and has a happy life, and gives his W and kids the attention they deserve (that I took away when he was engaging in his A with me).

 

Sometimes I hope that he thinks about me every day for a very, very long time.

 

Sometimes I hope that he forgets about me except as someone he used to know, so that the next time we meet (we will), he and I can just be civil and emotionless.

 

I guess this bounce of emotions is normal, right? Sometimes I feel vindictive and angry. Sometimes I feel resigned and relieved. Sometimes I just feel... confused. I try to shut these thoughts out of my head, try to just push thoughts of him away. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

 

Can anyone tell me when I'll move past this and be able to fully concentrate on my own life again?

 

All of that is normal.

It's also amplified because of the nature of your R (an EA).

 

There is a very real process to grief. Your homework is to learn about it.

That homework will also serve to distract you as I think you're the type of person who will research and apply it to yourself. I also think that will pass and you will research grief simply to learn more (and less thinking about grief and your xMM). I think you will transition the research into a purely academic exercise. And hey, look at that, you got all up and intellectual and DISTRACTED....

 

And not thinking about xMM is the goal. Rember your first bf? First kiss? First lover?

 

Can you remember how, at the time, the whole universe revolved around those people? And now it's faint, hopefully pleasant, memory. Yeah, that's the goal.

 

Give it time. It's a process (homework).

[sleepie]

Jerk

(I didn't want to disappoint you)

 

HAHA!

 

All of that is normal.

It's also amplified because of the nature of your R (an EA).

 

There is a very real process to grief. Your homework is to learn about it.

That homework will also serve to distract you as I think you're the type of person who will research and apply it to yourself. I also think that will pass and you will research grief simply to learn more (and less thinking about grief and your xMM). I think you will transition the research into a purely academic exercise. And hey, look at that, you got all up and intellectual and DISTRACTED....

 

Yeah, I figure I have to go through the stages: denial, bargaining, anger, acceptance. Those aren't exactly right, but you know what I mean. Perhaps researching it more will help.

 

And not thinking about xMM is the goal. Rember your first bf? First kiss? First lover?

 

Dear God, I try not to think about those things.

 

Can you remember how, at the time, the whole universe revolved around those people? And now it's faint, hopefully pleasant, memory. Yeah, that's the goal.

 

Give it time. It's a process (homework).

 

 

Okay, homework it is. Would probably help, since I do need a distraction.