first affair, new to forum

[debfranklinc]

I stumbled to this website through eyes blurred with tears. I need to annonymously talk to others who will not judge me.

My MOM ended our one year affair yesterday and it was a surprise to me. Although I am married myself and I know that ending this is the right thing to do, I was not prepared.

My story is this: I married at 20. He was the only man I had ever been with. After 18 years, he became uninterested and I became bored. I did not stop loving my husband but I did begin to play around. I had a few non-emotional encounters before meeting the MOM a year ago. It began unemotionally but quickly changed, for both of us.

It was an intense affair - physically and emotionally. Like most affairs, I imagine. I was not feeling that our time together was coming to its natural end so when he told me it was over, I was hurt. I am not angry with him but as with any one-sided break up, I miss him. I am thinking I should go NC but as I have seen many others post, am already finding that hard to do.

[scatterd]

Hello Welcome to LS

I am sorry for your pain. so many affairs end in this way

its not a new thing here. Now that their is no contact you

need to try to keep it that way. After ttime goes by they

can come back fishing. Im sure you noticed that you get

the crumbs and you are tied of it.

[sleepie]

Since this is your first post, I feel only fair to warn you: You will be judged here by some, so expect to get a few people who post responses that may feel like "attacks." You will also get posts from people that feel like attacks but, in reality, are people who are offering "tough love" to help you move on.

 

That said, I feel for you. Your situation is similar to mine, though not quite the same. And I understand the grief and heartache you're enduring right now.

 

Now, you didn't give many details, so I don't know your situation exactly. But I will say that my xMOM and I went back and forth many times. Many break-ups. Many breaking of NC contracts. There is a very real chance that you two will return to your A again in the near future, especially if the feelings between you are strong. I do not say that to give you hope, but to be realistic about the nature of As. It's up to you to decide if that's what you want. As I look back now, I wish I had stayed NC after our first break-up. It would have been best for everyone involved.

 

If you decide to go NC, keep coming back here. You'll have times when you'll get lambasted by other posters. And you'll have times when you get a boatload of support. But I truly believe when our hearts are mending, it helps to hear things from both sides.

 

This just happened yesterday, so right now your wounds are fresh and raw. In addition, you were blindsided. Confusion and pain are very normal.

 

I think if you're considering NC you need to first make the decision: Do you want this A to continue? If not, then go NC. If you do, then that's a whole other issue.

[scatterd]

Woman here as Sleepie have been going through this.

You will here how it has been along the way.

[jwi71]

I stumbled to this website through eyes blurred with tears. I need to annonymously talk to others who will not judge me.

 

We all judge. It's part of humanity organizes as categorizes - in this case behavior.

 

Typically, when one sees or reads the phrase "don't judge me" what they really mean is "I know I'm wrong and I don't want to hear it". Which is also perfectly human. I mean, who wants to hear that? I certainly do t especially when I already know I'm in the wrong.

 

So, and I will presume you will agree with my little sermon there, why do you engage in "wrong" behaviors? More succinctly, why are you having multiple affairs?

 

My MOM ended our one year affair yesterday and it was a surprise to me. Although I am married myself and I know that ending this is the right thing to do, I was not prepared.

 

I think this particular end is painful precisely because you weren't ready for it to end. It feels like a sexual rejection. Worse still, you have developed an emotional connection to him and it now also feels like a rejection of you as a human. A double rejection. A double surprise rejection. And further compounding things - A's are typically an escape mechanism - a patently unhealthy escape/coping methodology but one nonetheless. So, not only might you feel rejected but your escape from...well what?...is now gone.

 

Except it isn't him rejecting you either sexually or emotionally. It's more about him ending the "situation". Has little to do with you per se.

 

My story is this: I married at 20. He was the only man I had ever been with. After 18 years, he became uninterested and I became bored. I did not stop loving my husband but I did begin to play around. I had a few non-emotional encounters before meeting the MOM a year ago. It began unemotionally but quickly changed, for both of us.

 

Very typical.

 

It was an intense affair - physically and emotionally. Like most affairs, I imagine. I was not feeling that our time together was coming to its natural end so when he told me it was over, I was hurt. I am not angry with him but as with any one-sided break up, I miss him. I am thinking I should go NC but as I have seen many others post, am already finding that hard to do.

 

Well, what's your long term goal here...

 

Are you looking to commit or recommit to your M?

Are you looking for help in having "better" A's?

Do you need advice on how to handle the end of this A and that's all?

 

Because, for me, I can't help you continue on this path you have set yourself on.

I can help you get off it. Potentially anyways.

 

Help me help you.

 

And if it turns I cannot help you, keep posting anyways. Others here CAN.

 

So...what are you wanting to achieve?

[debfranklinc]

Just knowing other good women have made the same choices I have makes me feel better. I never imagined I would have an affair. But then again I never imagined my marriage growing stale. I never imagined feeling empty and alone at 40 when I have a husband, a child, a home and a career.

 

A day after the end of it, I am wondering if I will look a the past year with regret or fond remembrance. Will I someday look at it as an indelible event that helped me grow and eventually become a better person or will it be a stain that never washes away?

 

I do not think I will ever tell my husband. My need for closure does not mean he should suffer. He loves me and is trying hard to bring life to our marriage. He is a good man who did not deserve my infidelity.

 

What I really wanted was what I got from the xOM from my husband. I went looking outside for what I wanted inside.

 

Would I like the affair to continue? Yes. I was not ready for it to end - although I knew it could not last forever. Having said that, I don't know if I will go NC at this point. As I said, I am not angry with xOM. He broke it off to consentrate on his wife. And, yes, I do believe that. He says he would be happy to keep up our friendship ie. talking about work, family, interests but he will let me decide.

 

It's new, still. I wish summer vacation was over so I could go back to work and have something else to occupy my mind!

[debfranklinc]

I appreciate so much you asking what I want. I had been typing that answer as you were asking it. What I wanted then, what I want now is that intense love/passion/friendship/I can't get enough time with you feeling with my husband whom I love. You are right that the affair was an escape from being ignored by him. I needed to feel wanted and sexy and funny and intelligent and appreciated so I looked to multiple people for that.

I have told my husand on many, many occassions that I am lonely and feel like our family is wasting away. He will step it up for a while and then go back to sitting in front of the computer or watching TV in the other room. We are just complacent - both of us.

You are also right that "don't judge" means I've done wrong. But I needed to speak to other people who have been here. Others who are good people but have become misguided. Judge me but with caring heart?

[sleepie]

Just knowing other good women have made the same choices I have makes me feel better. I never imagined I would have an affair. But then again I never imagined my marriage growing stale. I never imagined feeling empty and alone at 40 when I have a husband, a child, a home and a career.

 

Many of us have been in your place.

 

A day after the end of it, I am wondering if I will look a the past year with regret or fond remembrance. Will I someday look at it as an indelible event that helped me grow and eventually become a better person or will it be a stain that never washes away?

 

It may be both. I'm not far along enough to say, but I suspect I will feel that it helped me grow as a person, but it's still a stain. Especially if you (and I) never reveal the truth to our BSs.

 

I do not think I will ever tell my husband. My need for closure does not mean he should suffer. He loves me and is trying hard to bring life to our marriage. He is a good man who did not deserve my infidelity.

 

I understand this, as I am in the same situation. Some people will say that your marriage cannot truly heal unless you reveal the A, but I am not certain this is true. For me, I need to work on MYSELF first. And you may be the same. What follows after that is yet to be seen.

 

What I really wanted was what I got from the xOM from my husband. I went looking outside for what I wanted inside.

 

If that's the case, and you do love your H and want your M to get better, you need to end the A. Otherwise, you're continuing to look in the wrong place, and the pattern will continue.

 

Would I like the affair to continue? Yes. I was not ready for it to end - although I knew it could not last forever. Having said that, I don't know if I will go NC at this point. As I said, I am not angry with xOM. He broke it off to consentrate on his wife. And, yes, I do believe that. He says he would be happy to keep up our friendship ie. talking about work, family, interests but he will let me decide.

 

One note: many people use the "friend" card as simply a way of extending the A, or not really letting go of it. Believe me, my xMOM and I did this many times, too. He wants to keep you in the wings if he is suggesting a friendship. He wants you to continue loving him, and he wants to control how this A unfolds. This is speculation, but IMHO, very likely.

 

It's new, still. I wish summer vacation was over so I could go back to work and have something else to occupy my mind!

 

If you want to continue your A, I suggest you take a good, hard look at your H and your M. Because the honest thing to do, the right thing to do, would be to let your H go.

 

Look, I was in your shoes. A year into my A, we went through the break-up & make-up stuff over and over. I think that's the point where the newness and excitement start to wear off, and the guilt becomes more powerful. Nonetheless, both myself and my xMOM were reluctant to fully end it because of the emotions involved. I thought I loved him. I thought he loved me.

 

It was only a year later--after much guilt, heartache, and introspection--that I realized my H and my M were much more important. I had to choose a priority. My xMOM had to choose his priorities. And we did not choose each other. But I wish I had discovered all that much, much sooner.

 

So I implore you: Examine yourself, your xMOM, and your M closely. End your A now if your H and M mean something to you. But if they don't--if you think another A is probably down the road for you--then end your M. Somewhere, sometime, somehow you are going to be forced to make a choice if this continues. It's much better to make the choice on your own now.

[skywriter]

debfranklinc,Just knowing other good women have made the same choices I have makes me feel better. I never imagined I would have an affair. But then again I never imagined my marriage growing stale. I never imagined feeling empty and alone at 40 when I have a husband, a child, a home and a career.

 

A day after the end of it, I am wondering if I will look a the past year with regret or fond remembrance. Will I someday look at it as an indelible event that helped me grow and eventually become a better person or will it be a stain that never washes away?

 

Hi deb,

 

Welcome to LS. I truly hope that you take away some helpful info. here. I have....I am a single exOW. I have been NC for nearly 10 wks, now.

 

I initiated the dissolution of the A. So glad, I did that for myself. I accept my part in the A and I just want and need to move on with my life. For me, I never needed or wanted an "escape". I feel that the A experience was humiliation and degradation. So obviously some self loathing going on inside of me. LOL!

 

But, yea, there are some good women, that have gone through, what you are going through.

 

I can't say what you will feel like in a years time, if you are no longer involved in the A. I can only say, for me, that I am gradually feeling better for having gotten out of the A. But, then, my relationship status is different from yours and this was my only A, ever.

 

I hope that you are able to learn from this A and find some answers that you obviously are searching for... also, I believe, since you were looking for something from the OM that you wanted from your H.

 

You'll never find it looking outside of the M. It's only going to complicate your situation with infidelity. If your H is willing, maybe you could both benefit from getting some help with intimacy and communication.

[scatterd]

do not think I will ever tell my husband. My need for closure does not mean he should suffer. He loves me and is trying hard to bring life to our marriage. He is a good man who did not deserve my infidelity.

 

Has your husband suspected anything was wrong? Cheating does not resolve over night. He could come back fishing later and continue where you left off.

Both of you need to fix your selfs and what caused

the problem to begin with. Have you been to counseling?

[onthefence210]

I went NC with my xmm a few times before we were able to just end the A. It was harder for us to do the NC because we both felt like u do now, it wasn't what we wanted and yes it was an escape from the reality we both lived. At first for me, I wanted to make him happy, happy in terms of having someone he felt comfortable with to be vulnerable with his weaknesses and not be judged, in order to understand why he stayed. That was just a minor portion of our A but it is what fueled it. I think when there are no expectations, no lying about leaving a BS, no planning of a "real" escape but just enjoying the normalcy of what a "real relationship" should have, that is the hardest thing to let go of. It's the person you love, even though you know in ur heart that what is taking place is wrong. Good people do make bad choices, and having an A is a bad choice.

 

I think until I got to a place where I understood that with every physical encounter I had with xmm (there weren't many but 1 is too many) I found myself wanting more from him. I knew he couldn't give it to me and if I was honest with myself I too couldn't give it to him, and I had to let go, for me and my own sanity. We were able to discuss all of this and end the A. We didn't agree to NC other then to say goodbye. It was something we could never say when we'd discuss the whole NC concept, initiate and then check in from time to time. We both needed that closure and for me, I was just done with all the lying that had to take place in order to keep it going.

 

It has been 10 weeks of since that day and I miss what I had with him. I miss hearing his laugh and I miss having all the things that I never had with my H. So I understand wishing ur xmm was somehow super transposed into ur S. I can honestly say for me, I don't have a M where I can be honest with my feelings without being made to feel that they aren't important but if I had, I'm sure either 1 of 2 things would have happened: 1. I would have never made the choice to have A or 2: I would have been able to tell my H that I wasn't happy with our M and he would have made attempts along with myself to understand the problems.

 

My xmm threw me under the bus, because his W found out about the contact. He painted me as a stalker (told her that I was going through a rough time and needed a friend). I came out the villain and he came out smelling like a rose. I feel more guilt over this then anything else, letting her go about life not knowing the truth, but in my situation she didn't want it. And he needs her in his life. He was always honest about that. Does xmm deserve to have the truth told, I struggle with that very question daily. Did I lie to protect him...no because I was never questioned about the truth. Those are his lies to deal with, and live with. Lies he'll probably take to his grave I'm sure.

 

Why do I tell u this story...because u will hear so many. Every one of them is unique in the way things progressed. Some will be further along then u in the process and some you may be. All of them will have a similar ending. But the only thing that will be exactly the same is that they do come to an end eventually. It's up to u to make the decision to turn the focus on healing yourself or continuing the A. I think for me in the long run, I am grateful to be living a more honest life. But I've had to deal with letting go of someone who became a very significant part of my life. It's a reality that we must face. And for some who can't put themselves in our shoes, they can't understand nor should they. They will judge u but don't let their judgments define who u kno you are. But until you start being honest to yourself, your H and most will say the BS of xmm, take responsibility and accountability for the A...can u truly seek help for understanding the hows and whys of yourself that allowed a good person make such a bad choice.

 

Believe me...it took me a long time to get it. And I do, and I regret that I did what I did but through the experience I learned a lot that I am incredible thankful for. Without having gone thru my A I probably would have stayed ignorant to my own reality. I think if you can take from the experience the lessons that it should teach, learn from it, you can make changes to any behavior. But u have to be able to confront the behavior to get to that growth.

[woinlove]

I appreciate so much you asking what I want. I had been typing that answer as you were asking it. What I wanted then, what I want now is that intense love/passion/friendship/I can't get enough time with you feeling with my husband whom I love. You are right that the affair was an escape from being ignored by him. I needed to feel wanted and sexy and funny and intelligent and appreciated so I looked to multiple people for that.

I have told my husand on many, many occassions that I am lonely and feel like our family is wasting away. He will step it up for a while and then go back to sitting in front of the computer or watching TV in the other room. We are just complacent - both of us.

You are also right that "don't judge" means I've done wrong. But I needed to speak to other people who have been here. Others who are good people but have become misguided. Judge me but with caring heart?

 

I have that feeling in my M, but we also have complete openness and honesty which creates intimacy between us. I've never heard of someone having that while maintaining such important deception, i.e. living so as to make one's spouse think one has been monogamous and faithful when the opposite is true. In fact, I always feel a bit sad and sorry for people who describe their M while continuing to be deceptive, as it never seems like the type of M that would make me happy.

 

Maybe someone will come along who has kept up such deception for years and yet has the intense intimacy needed to have and maintain over many years the passion you crave. It would be very interesting to see hear how they do it, if it is possible. I think you can have an okay M and maintain the deception for decades, but then you would need other coping strategies to get along with just okay and not continuing to cheat.

 

In the end, I think you make compromises, and if one compromise is to make your H believe a false reality for your entire M so as not to suffer the fallout of disclosure, then I think that comes with a cost in what kind of M you can have.

Edited July 25, 2012 by woinlove

[scatterd]

You mentioned his wife did not want to know I am wondering how you came to that conclusion. Have

you ever been discovered?

Are you staying with your husband for convenience

why stay if your not happy.

The reason I ask is because this will happen again

if not with this guy then another.

[cmc133]

I appreciate so much you asking what I want. I had been typing that answer as you were asking it. What I wanted then, what I want now is that intense love/passion/friendship/I can't get enough time with you feeling with my husband whom I love. You are right that the affair was an escape from being ignored by him. I needed to feel wanted and sexy and funny and intelligent and appreciated so I looked to multiple people for that.

 

I really identify with this. I felt the same way.

[jwi71]

I appreciate so much you asking what I want. I had been typing that answer as you were asking it. What I wanted then, what I want now is that intense love/passion/friendship/I can't get enough time with you feeling with my husband whom I love.

 

Ok. So you want to reconnect with your H and your M. This I can help you with.

 

Easiest things first so...STD testing. Even if a barrier contraceptive (condom for example) was used they do not safe guard against STD. As a result of your multiple indiscretions you NEED this. Potentially your BS as well. I would suggest no intercourse until the results come back.

 

Secondly, as you have made your choice to remain M (reconnect) you immediately and irrevocably go NC. This means blocking and deleting every method of receiving a communication from him. He's gone. I know it hurts. But, and you aren't likely to believe this, but it's lust not love he provides. An escape from drudgery. So let's work on burning that bridge.

 

Now NC is NOT easy. There are strong parallels between ending an A and overcoming addiction. It's all too easy to slip and call or text or email. This is why the block and delete (scorched earth) is helpful - anything that makes it MORE difficult to get your fix is good.

 

So let's start by block, delete and saying goodbye to this poison called an A.

 

I would next suggest, strongly, IC. You have already accepted some of your faults and failures (being human sucks sometimes don't it?). I would think, and do think, that having a neutral trained party work with you in terms of self-image and self-validation is a great first step in therapy. You already have a good grasp of it, let's dig deeper. And for that we often need help. Simply because we are human and who the hell wants to look inside and see ugly? No one, that's who. Which is why an IC can help guide, sometimes push, us towards answers when we might otherwise give up.

 

Ultimately, you and your H will need to have a talk. Now, you've done this more than once. And it's better then it slowly drifts back down to an unacceptable level (at least for you). So a MC can help the BOTH of you reconnect.

 

But there's a condition attached to MC. A powerful one.

 

I didn't mention it before because I'm being sneaky.

 

You cannot EVER lie.

 

It's easy to not lie in IC - it's only you and the IC, no one else to hear.

 

You clearly see it by now I know.

 

You must also NEVER lie in MC. Which is going to be mortifying to you.

Especially when the MC asks if there is infidelity. And they will. Typically in the very first session.

 

You must not lie.

 

Which means, to me, disclosure is inevitable.

 

However, this is a ways down the road.

 

And yes, I know, you don't want to tell.

 

I'll go into that more - later.

 

For now, we have bigger fish to fry. Namely NC.

It's a journey, recovering from infidelity, and NC is the first step.

The climax of this path is telling your H (which begins a new path, one you will be far better prepared for).

 

 

You are right that the affair was an escape from being ignored by him. I needed to feel wanted and sexy and funny and intelligent and appreciated so I looked to multiple people for that.

 

That you was always there. That you did not change.

You stopped believing in it.

 

I have told my husand on many, many occassions that I am lonely and feel like our family is wasting away. He will step it up for a while and then go back to sitting in front of the computer or watching TV in the other room. We are just complacent - both of us.

 

BTDT. My first M went down in a fiery conflagration for these very reasons - with the difference being I substituted the corporate ladder and long hours for TV. Same result though. My now xW decided to have an A. For all of the reasons you did.

 

And here's a little secret from me to you: I did NOT D her over the A. I D her because she didn't CHANGE.

 

 

You are also right that "don't judge" means I've done wrong. But I needed to speak to other people who have been here. Others who are good people but have become misguided. Judge me but with caring heart?

 

Here's another secret. Judging people has little to do with the actions of others.

It's all about internal processing on the part of the ones judging. Here, on LS, it comes out, clearly, as hurt and anger and all the emotions a BS endures.

 

It's also a phase. So, if you feel judged and attacked, realize its not about you at all. It's all about the one slinging stones. Simply read the post and ignore it. Better yet, be compassionate.

[onthefence210]

You mentioned his wife did not want to know I am wondering how you came to that conclusion. Have

you ever been discovered?

Are you staying with your husband for convenience

why stay if your not happy.

The reason I ask is because this will happen again

if not with this guy then another.

 

Not sure if ur asking me, but we both confessed. His W contacted me and disclosed her transgressions to me. She didn't have any interest in the truth other then to basically say she forgave him because she pushed him out of the marriage (kinda what an A does, starves it of both emotional and physical intimacy thru lies). She was more interested in telling me, how she ended her A's because her AP were pushing for her to end her M. Without going into why they stay, I can understand it from both sides. And I will say that it has nothing to do with what a healthy marriage survives on.

 

That was the beginning of the end for me and xmm. First bout of NC initiated. I respected their decision to stay, yet I was going to be pulled back in eventually. I was, by her, in one of her drunken rages. I think for one to understand her, and I couldn't at the time but that was my ignorance to my reality being married to a person just like her. Her H wasn't tolerating her behavior, and threatened a D, that's when she pulled me back in. It was 5 weeks after the confession. I contacted xmm to tell him of her behavior, and that was my mistake. Long story short, a few more contacts led to our final choice to say goodbye. He had gone out of town, she checked his cell phone records while gone and assumed a blocked number was me. It wasn't but her assumption led to xmm throwing me under the bus, I think in hind sight he did it because, he wanted her to think he has been honest with her knowing then that we were done.

 

She harassed me for a few days via text, stating she was stalking me and how did it feel. I knew what he told her because he told me. Could he have been lying to me...maybe. Did he ask me to go along with it if she contacted me...yes. She never once asked me for the truth. She never once asked me for anything. And after the conversation I had with her, all she really wanted was me out of her life...I was so I left it alone. Does she deserve to kno what really transpired from confession day to the last time I spoke with him? I think it's his truth to tell now that it's been so long. I've told my truths to my H, to my friends and to my family. But as I stated above, I struggle with the choices I made back then when I didn't respond to her. She won in her eyes and that's all she cared about.

 

As far as my M. I don't ever think I stayed for convenience. I did however stay out of ignorance due to the circumstances of our M. I never fully understood how unhealthy my M was, because I had learned other coping strategies so I didn't have to confront it. I had learned to deal with the alcoholic but I didn't kno how to deal with the lack of emotional intimacy. I didn't even kno what my M was missing until I had my A and explained my feelings and have them translated by an IC. Don't get me wrong, I knew what I was feeling, I could express such feelings to the AP but couldn't understand how I couldn't do this in my M. I tried for yrs, and was constantly either rejected, told if I wasn't happy to just leave, or made to feel that his behaviors which hurt our marriage which led to my unhappiness with the M, we're not his problem. I was weak, so I stayed. I was ignorant so I escaped instead of getting help for the emotional warfare my H used when I tried to leave prior to my A.

 

I have since filed for D. H should be served within the next week. As far as going the A route again...I can only say that I am taking major steps in my life to make sure that never happens again. I think that needs to be done whether u stay in your marriage or choose to leave both being a WS and a BS.

 

I hope I answered ur questions. I still have a lot of anger inside as I see come thru some of my responses, not because my A ended but more because I didn't see my M for what is was, I didn't see my weakness because I focused on my strengths, and because I still have an H with all my truths, won't accept them as reality.

[goodthingscome]

I stumbled to this website through eyes blurred with tears. I need to annonymously talk to others who will not judge me.

My MOM ended our one year affair yesterday and it was a surprise to me. Although I am married myself and I know that ending this is the right thing to do, I was not prepared.

My story is this: I married at 20. He was the only man I had ever been with. After 18 years, he became uninterested and I became bored. I did not stop loving my husband but I did begin to play around. I had a few non-emotional encounters before meeting the MOM a year ago. It began unemotionally but quickly changed, for both of us.

It was an intense affair - physically and emotionally. Like most affairs, I imagine. I was not feeling that our time together was coming to its natural end so when he told me it was over, I was hurt. I am not angry with him but as with any one-sided break up, I miss him. I am thinking I should go NC but as I have seen many others post, am already finding that hard to do.

 

Your title states first affair, yet you admit to a "few" non-emotional encounters. I guess before I can respond I need to know what your definition of an affair is.

[scatterd]

I am thinking I should go NC but as I have seen many others post, am already finding that hard to do.

 

If you are not ready then no one can help.

You will end up getting caught later this

does happen many times.

If the BH or BW find out on their own it will

be harder.

This is inevitable.

[scatterd]

Not sure if ur asking me, but we both confessed

 

This was meant for Deb she mentioned that the BW

did not want to know. Sorry you misunderstood I should have been more clear.