whatafool Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Yes I have been a fool! Never thought I would fall for a married guy. I have just ended it after a three month emotional roller coaster ride. Wanted to know what you guys think. Please be gentle with me - am still raw! I have known him for years but he has been actively seeking out my company for the past year or so. Eventually agreed to go out with him, even though in my heart I knew it would all end in tears - hence, what a fool! He has no kids and is on his second marriage, which he 'claims' was all a big mistake right from the beginning and on the 'rebound' from the collapse of his first marriage. He says that they argue all the time, no sex etc. etc. He has been with her for five years. He claims she wears the trousers and has to do what is told otherwise she flies into an uncontrollable rage. From the beginning of our affair it was total electricity, all the things that everyone else posts here, it was unbelievable for us both, I really thought finally this is the guy for me. (it was all so similar to the feelings of people in the other posts!) Problem was it never moved forward or developed from that dynamic start, where we would see each other every work lunch time plus loads of tel calls during the day proclaiming all sorts of sweet nothings and declarations of undying love. It went on like that for three months, but once he went home in the evening and at weekend - no further contact. Even though he was talking of leaving her and moving in with me I did not have his home address or telephone number, even mobile, just work details, so I was completely cut off out of work time. He went to extraordinary lengths to ensure his tracks were covered. So at the weekends I felt totally desolate - I was high all week, and dropped like a stone at the weekend, then he would reappear on Mondays expecting to pick up where he left off on Friday. I was practically begging him to give me a call at the weekend to keep in touch, he did ring a couple of times, from a pay phone, but that was only if he could get away from his wife for half an hour! He said that he thought about me constantly and would love to be with me all the time, but was dreading the prospect of another divorce - the costs, upheaval, wifes anger etc. and he was trying to work out what to do. I tried to end it a couple times, but that was even more upsetting for both of us and we got back together - but it was always to exactly the same pattern. My mother came to stay with me for a couple of weeks recently and so we had to cool things. But on the few occasions that I did see him he was talking in terms of how he was crazy about me, when he left her, when he moved in with me and our future together - I was convinced that when my mother left he would be moving things forward in some way. But when mum went home again, he started backing off, saying we needed to get to know each other better, it was early days etc. etc. He has always been consistant in declaring his love and feelings for me, but I think that is easy for some people to say and that actions speak louder than words. I was not saying that I thought he should finish his marriage immediately for me - although he was the one that said it was dead. I know three months is not a long time, but I thought that I should see signs of something developing. However, the pattern just did not change in any way and it was beginning to get me down big time and I was feeling used. I tried telling him all this, but he just begged me to keep the faith, however nothing changed. I was really beginning to wonder if he was as unhappy in his home life as he said. So two weeks ago I told him that he was not giving me enough and that I did not think that he would ever really end his marriage - so everything was over - he just said that he really did love me, and always would. That was it, have not heard from him since. Question is did I do the right thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Yes, you did the right thing. It is very hard for some people to end a marriage. It's hard to explain if you've never been married but there really is a bond there that you can't explain. Even if a married person feels very strongly for someone else, there are a lot of things that factor in their decision. I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon and start saying this man is using you. I don't think everyone that makes a mistake in relationships has some nefarious plan to use the person their having the affair with. He could be honestly unhappy in his marriage and he could honestly love you, but for some people that isn't enough. You did the right thing. You need to allow him to end his marriage because it's not working out and not because you're there. Sometimes people can't help how they feel for another person, but they can control how they act on their emotions. Stepping out of the picture gave him the opportunity to see if he really was unhappy in his marriage and if that was enough reason to leave it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 You did the right thing. He was more than likely filling your headspace with garbage- he would have left her for you already. He wasn't into a serious relationship with you-hence the at work contact only (it's VERY familiar to me) Don't contact him again. It hurts, and I'm sorry he was such a turd that he lied to you. You can do better. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 However, the pattern just did not change in any way and it was beginning to get me down big time and I was feeling used. I tried telling him all this, but he just begged me to keep the faith, however nothing changed. Of course you did the right thing. Read what you wrote. I have no doubt that your MM had true feelings for you. At some inevitable point in an affair, however, feelings are not enough. The OW wants more, much more, than whispered sweet nothings and hot affair sex (although that's not bad). You hit the wall of frustrated expectations after only 3 months. That's pretty quick: better 3 months than 3 years. Chalk this one up to experience and realize that the overwhelming majority of MM, regardless of the intensity of their love and desire for their OW, will not break-up their marriages and families. The OW is a marital outlet, not a marital successor. I agree with Olivia that this result is more often a function of marital inertia than crass opportunism on the MM's part. The MM gets far too much "credit" on these boards for being the evil genius. Often, he's just a coward when it comes to exiting a bad marriage. Your MM most likely did use you to make his "bad" marriage tolerable. (That's the secret: Under the law of unintended consequences, a MM's affair with the OW will actually serve to keep the MM in an unhappy marriage longer than otherwise because the OW and the affair serve as an outlet). The OW is her own worst enemy. By the way, I don't think your MM will leave his wife any time soon. It's just a feeling I have. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Spock Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 I wish you were a more prolific poster sinner-the part about the OW being her worst enemy is the truth for those very reasons-your post is golden. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Thanks, Spock. The same, back to you. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 If you hated being alone in the week ends, imagine spending winter holidays all alone! Imagine spending you vacation all alone... What was your question again, did you do the right thing? I'm a selfish practical woman, I want all the package! So should you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatafool Posted July 10, 2004 Author Share Posted July 10, 2004 Thank you everyone for looking at my pathetic story - I am very grateful for your time and views. I guess that I know that I did do the right thing. I tried not to demonise him in my post, but to give you the situation exactly as I saw it - and your comments were very kind and accurate, they have greatly helped me to understand the situation from a proper perspective. Even though it is very painful, I am a fairly strong person and am determined to move my life forward now and am so glad I took this action after 3 months and not 3 years. Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 I swear you guys as a whole are amazing - I keep learning more things as I continue to check back in Sinner - what a great observation. The OW being her worst enemy. She is actually allowing the MM to continue his "bad" marriage, since he has an outlet. That is brilliant. Thx. And the MM is definitely a coward. That is why the sneaking around is a reflection of his inner disposition. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 I've also learned from you, leilab. I suspect we're similarly situated. You, Spock, kia, among others, are some of the reasons I returned to LS after a hiatus. Link to post Share on other sites
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