What is he thinking? How should I proceed?

[Confused in MD]

The wisdom and advice on this site have been outstanding, so I felt compelled to pose my own issue. I apologize in advance for the length ...

 

I met a guy in May who lived here in Maryland. We dated for a while (3 months), but we were never really "exclusive," even though we were only seeing each other. I am in the process of divorce (1 child); he has been divorced for a few years (2 children). Both of our marriages ended badly, and he has also been hurt by other women in the past. During the time we dated, I developed some pretty strong feelings for him. Circumstances arose where he had to move back to his home state of Alabama. He didn't contact me for over a month, but then he contacted me, and we started speaking again over the Internet. He was very clear that he didn't feel a long distance relationship would work, didn't want commitment and that he needed to get some stability back in his life. He did admit that he had feelings for me when we were dating - not love or anything, but feelings. We arranged to meet for - well there's no better way to put this - sex. We spent the weekend together. It was clear up front that I should have no expectations since things couldn't be the way they were before. I was fine with that. We had a great time. I came back - we continued to talk. I started dating again. I decided to ask him a question as a "friend" (since that what he wanted to be) to get some guy advice. He discovered that I had gone on a date. Not 4 days later, he invites me down to a sporting event he knew I wanted to see. (Jealousy maybe? He keeps making references to my "boyfriend" - I suspect trying to find out how I feel about this other guy.) I went down again. Again, had a great time - we held hands in public (a first-although he says otherwise) and it felt like we were a "couple" again. This time it wasn't just sex. We've talked about seeing each other again. I feel the strong feelings startng again ... I get the feeling that he is confused about his feelings since I made it clear at the time that I couldn't/wouldn't move, but I'm unsure how to ask since I don't want him to think I'm pressuring him into something. In fact, he asked questions about what I was thinking as he took me back to the airport, but when I mentioned that it was hard to leave, he kind of avoided the topic. It's like he wants to know, but he doesn't. I know this is crazy, but I think if he confessed his love for me and wanted to explore us being together, I feel right now like I would move to be with him. Complicating factor is of course my daughter who would have to go with me (and leave her dad) and the career here that I would be leaving behind. I don't suspect he would be willing to move back here, and actually I wouldn't mind moving (I'm not from here anyway). I'd be content to leave things as they are for the time-being to see what may develop; however, I feel myself being totally disinterested in dating anyone new or even maintaining the few male acquaintances I've established since he left. Do you think that he is confused? Or maybe regrets his earlier statements about not wanting something long distance but doesn't know how to ask?

 

Thoughts, suggestions? (I'm counting on you Tony).

[Tony T]

I am not sure what you are looking for here. You don't seem to be needing advice as much as you would want people to tell you to go for it.

 

First, you are still going through a divorce. Ordinarilly this is not a good time to be getting into other hot relationships. However, you give no details of your marriage so I trust that you have thought this out, that you feel you have substantially healed from your impending divorce, and that you are essentially ready for a new major committment.

 

You are a shrewd one. You asked this guy for some dating advice because you knew damned well it would make him jealous. You wouldn't pull that one off on me, babe. But, it seems to have worked with this unsuspecting lad you have down in Alabama.

 

What basically happened is he got down to Alabama, tried to get back into the dating scene and found it wasn't as easy as it was for him prior to his marriage. It took him only a month to figure that out and then he called you. I think he has a genuine fondness for you that needs to be explored more fully.

 

I would take this very slowly. First, confirm that your guy wants to explore this more intensely. It sounds like he does. Put all the cards on the table and come right out and ask him how he feels. Don't leave this up to speculation or opinions of people in this forum. You need to really talk this out and cut out all the game playing. What you are thinking about doing is very serious. You need to ask him some dead serious questions. He absolutely owes it to you to be honest. And you need to tell him exactly how you feel at this point, about your disinterest in dating others, how you feel about him, the direction you'd like to explore, etc.

 

After having a serious discussion about this matter, your head will be lots more clear and your decision on what to do will be a lot easier.

 

Visit him when you can, he can visit you when he can, and you can keep up with each other on the phone and over the Internet.

 

Spend your vacation with him, when your daughter is out of school, and see how that works out. See what work opportunities there are for you in Alabama...and if you like his city and the people. Study those things really well. It isn't a great idea to uproot yourself and move to a strange town just to see if something is going to work. It may and it may not. If it doesn't, you've lost a good job...and money isn't that great in Alabama...your daughter will have left all her great friends, etc.

 

Taking some time will also give you some time to sort out your feelings to decide if your attraction to this guy is more to fill a void following your divorce, to help you catch up on lost time, or to boost your self esteem by being with someone who treats you better than your ex. You can find all this right where you are. After all, you met this guy right where you are.

 

Right now, you have to figure out exactly what this guy represents to you. Is he the love you would make a major sacrifice for...or is he just a guy you flipped for because you were vulnerable? Do you want a relationship with him because finding someone is such a hassle? Do you really feel this guy has all the qualities of a person you would want to be with, lots in common, good disposition, loves your daughter, good sense of humor, good conversationalist, honest, etc.

 

Did you ask him about his divorce...what caused it?

 

Hey, I'm an incurable romantic myself. But at the same time I'm a realist.

 

I don't think this guy is confused. I think he would like a relationship with you...for how long, I can't tell you. Maybe for six months, maybe for life.

 

If you feel real adventurous, make the move and enjoy it. Just know the financial risks and the negatives of leaving you and your daughter's social support base where you are. Be open minded and don't press things to happen. Get your own place and date this man for a while before you think about moving in with him. Play it cool. If the two of you force the issue of getting together, you may regret it later on.

 

So, if you feel you are ready for a relationship and you have considered the major sacrifice and risk factors that moving to Alabama entail, have a great trip and a great love.

 

There is absolutely no way of telling whether it would work or not. There is no way I can honestly tell you if he is confused. Hey, any man is going to encourage a lady to move to his town if the companionship and sex is great. What's he got to lose? You are the one who's making all the sacrifices, not him.

 

For a better take on the future of a possible relationship, you might want to call a psychic friend somewhere.

 

HINT: This guy will fall madly in love with you and stay that way forever if you will make your posts on Internet forums in neat three to four sentence paragraphs. Continuous type appears as one big glob of gray and causes serious headaches and dizziness for the reader.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!

[Mitch]

What Tony said.

 

------------

 

BUT, I would be more blunt I suppose. What do mean, "What is HE thinking?"

 

What are YOU thinking?

 

This 'wait for the guy to call' noise is one of the most SERIOUSLY irritating things that I've ever bumped into.

 

More often than not, it leads to two people who probably really like each other waiting for the other to call.

 

Plus, a month after a major move doesn't seem like very much time.

 

If you think it's miserable chasing the guy around, I'd bet big bucks that most guys feel the same way about chasing the women around. Especially if they've recently been burned.

 

The only reason I'm better at it is years of getting used to "no" (and "yes") and learning to care much much less over time. I still hate it, but ...

 

No more game playing and feigning intentions would be a real plus I suspect.

 

I don't know of a single guy on this planet that wouldn't be flattered beyond description to be chased (even a tiny bit) by a woman he was interested in. And he seems clearly interested based on your message.

 

Always being expected to do the chasing is a miserable chore. I'd be happy to clean the house, do the dishes, and whatever in exchange.

 

Ugh.

 

Ugh, ugh, UGH!!!

[Confused in MD]

Thanks as usual for the great advice guys. It all sounds very "common-sensical." I need to just tell him how I feel and see how things move on (or not) from there.

 

I'll truly take to heart the comment about posting on forums since this was my first one. I really don't want to be a gray blob!