Uncertain

[woinlove]

It may be true that both my H and the OMGF deserve to know. All I am saying is that if his GF deserves to know, it's not my place to tell her. I think that's up to OM. I would be out of my head with rage if he suddenly broke up with me and decided my H needed to know and told him about us. If my H is going to know, I'd like to tell him myself.

 

Maybe you would be out of your head with rage, but if you do not tell your H the truth, he might want to have the truth from someone, even anyone. Most people want the truth about something that affects their life and future plans.

 

And you should not feel it is not your place to tell the GF, since it was your affair too, not just her boyfriends. You should not feel like you have to keep the secret for the OM. You can tell the truth if you want. It is your choice.

[road]

It may be true that both my H and the OMGF deserve to know. All I am saying is that if his GF deserves to know, it's not my place to tell her. I think that's up to OM. I would be out of my head with rage if he suddenly broke up with me and decided my H needed to know and told him about us. If my H is going to know, I'd like to tell him myself.

 

 

You had no problem doing her man though. It's called atonement. AKA doing the right thing. OMGF deserves the truth just as much as your BH.

 

Brave enough to insert yourself into her relationship by boffing her boy friend. Then you can continue to be brave an expose her OM/BF with an apology.

[cmc133]

Maybe you would be out of your head with rage, but if you do not tell your H the truth, he might want to have the truth from someone, even anyone. Most people want the truth about something that affects their life and future plans.

 

And you should not feel it is not your place to tell the GF, since it was your affair too, not just her boyfriends. You should not feel like you have to keep the secret for the OM. You can tell the truth if you want. It is your choice.

 

I would agree with you if I knew her at all. I've never met her, wouldn't recognize her on the street. If she were my friend or even a coworker, I might see a reason to confess, but in this situation I would have to seek her out in a very strange almost stalkerish way. And my motives would probably be more to hurt him than to help her. I think it's best to stay away from her.

[cmc133]

You had no problem doing her man though. It's called atonement. AKA doing the right thing. OMGF deserves the truth just as much as your BH.

 

Brave enough to insert yourself into her relationship by boffing her boy friend. Then you can continue to be brave an expose her OM/BF with an apology.

 

I just don't see it that way. Maybe we need to agree to disagree.

[cmc133]

I would agree with you if I knew her at all. I've never met her, wouldn't recognize her on the street. If she were my friend or even a coworker, I might see a reason to confess, but in this situation I would have to seek her out in a very strange almost stalkerish way. And my motives would probably be more to hurt him than to help her. I think it's best to stay away from her.

 

It won't let me edit this for some reason - I meant to say I would possibly agree with you. I'm still not sure confessing is the best thing for everyone.

[cmc133]

I had my counseling appointment this morning, which was helpful, then came home and wrote him an email. I cried all the way through writing it, but once I hit send I felt like a weight had been lifted. It's a relief. I hope I can stick with this feeling. I feel incredibly relieved. I feel free. And sad. But more free.

 

I know there has been a lot of feedback about telling my H and the OMGF. I'm still planning to wait and see on that issue, but for now, I'm feeling good about ending it. A flash of something resembling self-respect has reappeared in my life.

[road]

It won't let me edit this for some reason - I meant to say I would possibly agree with you. I'm still not sure confessing is the best thing for everyone.

 

 

Me, me, me, me, me, me. How about taking yourself out of the equation.

 

If you were not trying to protect yourself you would see that the truth coming out would be better for all the BS's involved.

 

Also the truth coming out will make the WS's involved be held accountable for their actions. There needs to be consequences. The least that their BS's can no longer blindly trust their WS's from this point foreward. That they must be watched to maintain boundaries to prevent relaspe to their WS ways.

[cmc133]

This will be the first of several endings.

 

If your OM is a typical OM he will probably cry and beg.

 

The crying and begging would be disgusting for many women, but a welcome activity for those women that cherish to be loved.

 

Which one will you be?

 

 

Ah, Pierre. You and your wisdom. How did you get to be so insightful about this topic? He already wrote me back and said I was being mean and hurtful and we could work things out. You're right, it felt kind of good to hear, or at least to get an immediate acknowledgment, but I'm thinking about just not writing back. Ever. I don't want to continue to feel this way. I've felt terrible for the better part of a year. Tons of sadness with flashes of pure joy. I want a better life.

[Stoneman70]

Hello, thanks for listening.

 

I'm a 32 year old married mother of two. I met my husband at age 19, started dating him at 20, married at 23, first child by 25. I hadn't been with anyone else. A couple of years ago I started to wonder if I had skipped out on an important part of my life, if I had settled down too soon. I loved my husband, but wondered about alternate courses my life could have taken, other people I could have met, paths I could have taken. I felt unfulfilled.

 

Last fall I met someone online. He was my age, had a long-term live-in girlfriend, no kids. We had such a similar childhood, history, interests, personalities, it was overwhelming. We emailed non-stop for a week before meeting in person. He lives about two hours away. I found him incredibly attractive even though I recognized that conventionally he was probably closer to average. His personality, his insights, his perceptions thrilled me. He was everything, made my heart melt, made me feel shaky and thrilled. He was attracted to me too. We exchanged lots of over the top feelings about love, if only we would have met each other sooner, no one understands me the way you do, etc. His emails became the center of my universe.

 

We started meeting each other once a week, talking for a while, then making out like teenagers. After about 6 weeks, we had sex for the first time. After we had sex, I felt like he started to distance himself from me a bit. Not responding right away to emails, cancelling dates to see each other. But then he would write me an email saying something like, "I'm overwhelmed by the intense feelings I have for you, feeling a lot of anxiety about the future of our relationship. Please don't interpret my lack of emails as a cooling off of the feelings I have for you. I love you." So, I decided to give him space. Things got very weird for a while, I broke things off, then came back, he expressed that he was worried I expected too much from him, I told him I needed space to think, we didn't talk much for a month.

 

Eventually he started emailing me saying that he missed me and we decided to meet in person to talk. In meeting him, I thought we were going to pursue a friendship from that point forward. He seemed to assume making out was the route to reconciliation. I was upset/confused. Apparently he still wanted a romantic relationship, even told me he was in love with me, he just, I think, was scared that I was thinking of leaving my husband for him or something. I've maintained a (fake) take it or leave it attitude for the last three months and we've been together about once a month.

 

I know he loves me. I don't think he wants to leave his girlfriend and he doesn't want me to leave my husband. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to help me raise my two kids. What he wants, I think, is to continue our relationship as-is indefinitely, to go through our lives with the special secret knowledge that we love each other and to see each other (make love) about once a month. I'm not sure this works for me. I'm missing something significant in my relationship with my husband because of the lack of honesty. I don't feel the intimacy with my husband that I felt before because I know I am keeping something from him.

 

I spend way too much time thinking and fantasizing about my AP. I feel like I'm living in the moment only when I'm with him, wishing away the time until I can see him again.

 

Where do I go from here? Continue to take what I can get from him? Break it off completely? He affects me in a way no one ever has before. I feel powerless. I forgive him anything, I let him call the shots. I think he's made me feel better and worse than anyone ever has.

 

So, I know how you feel...I felt the same way about my life, like I was missing out. I met S and fell in love. I broke it off because there was no future, not because i didnt love her. I knew the right thing to do was to stay with my wife. You cant continue the affair if there is no future.

[cmc133]

He will cry and beg.

 

I would think that a gentleman who is asked to stop having a relationship with a married woman would probably walk away, but most OMs are wired differently. The crying and begging are forms of manipulation and they can cry quite well.

 

How do you feel about a man that begs?

 

Well, I wouldn't really describe what he has done as crying and begging. In his return email he gave me the impression he thought I was cruel and that he was hurt. I don't think my email was mean spirited. This made me feel terrible because I love him and don't want him to be hurt. I wrote back that we could talk on the phone, but he wrote back that he wasn't available. This was yesterday. No email or contact either way since then. Maybe he's going to be done. That's what I asked for, so that's fine.

 

In the past when we have had conflict he has withheld contact with me, almost as a punishment. I always came running back, apologizing, even when I wasn't in the wrong. I have a hunch that is what he is doing now, but I am not going to contact him.

 

I'm remarkably ok. There was a time I felt like I would die without him. I don't have anything bad to say about him. I love him and wish him well. I think he's a remarkable intelligent, creative, and insightful person.

 

I envisioned that after doing this I would lie around and cry and sob and throw up for days. That's not the case. I had a great time with my family last night, laughing, having fun. I felt relaxed and open for the first time in a long time. I felt good.

 

I'm sad, but I'm also relieved. In many ways I want to be with him, but I've already chosen a different life years ago, he is not available, and the status quo was not working for me.

[cmc133]

Now you need to be in absolute NC. NO need to offer explanations and closure.

 

You are married and that is a huge explanation. Closure is a BS term to feed the addiction.

 

Thanks. I'm really sad right now. My "I'm so happy and relieved" feeling has gone away and I'm tempted to call him. I feel bad that I hurt him.

 

I'm trying to stay strong and not contact him. I think I can do it, I'm just wondering at what point it will really feel over.

 

I don't expect a lot of sympathy as a MW, but I'm really really sad.

[cmc133]

I'm sorry you're sad. I hope that your day gets brighter and with time that you are less sad.

 

Thank you.

[Emme]

I had my counseling appointment this morning, which was helpful, then came home and wrote him an email. I cried all the way through writing it, but once I hit send I felt like a weight had been lifted. It's a relief. I hope I can stick with this feeling. I feel incredibly relieved. I feel free. And sad. But more free.

 

I know there has been a lot of feedback about telling my H and the OMGF. I'm still planning to wait and see on that issue, but for now, I'm feeling good about ending it. A flash of something resembling self-respect has reappeared in my life.

 

 

I'm so proud of you. You ended it and you're still alive. You can live without him in your life. You will get stronger with every day. The choice to tell your spouse or the girlfriend is yours to make. No one can decide for you what action you will take. Take the time to think things through and then decide. Take it one step at a time.

[cmc133]

It will be difficult and you will probably break NC a few times. It depends on your will power.

 

You will not be able to reconnect with your H while you are grieving the loss, however, one day you will be over it. The day comes very soon if you are in absolute NC. If you break NC sporadically then the recovery can be delayed.

 

Do nice things for H even if you don't feel like it. After a while it becomes a habit and he will reciprocate. This will make you feel much better and after a couple of years you may be back to those days in your marriage when there was no boredom.

 

I forgot to say that you are to be admired:love: by your determination to fix your marriage.

 

Thanks, I appreciate it. I'll try to take your advice.

[cmc133]

I'm so proud of you. You ended it and you're still alive. You can live without him in your life. You will get stronger with every day. The choice to tell your spouse or the girlfriend is yours to make. No one can decide for you what action you will take. Take the time to think things through and then decide. Take it one step at a time.

 

Thank you for your encouragement and feedback! I'm trying to remember what my life was like before him. I think I can get back there.

[cmc133]

Just an update for anyone who remembers me -

 

I eventually wrote back to the OM, we talked on the phone a few times, then had a fight and haven't talked in 3 weeks. I think it's done for good. I have no plans to contact him anymore. Not sure how I will react if he contacts me.

 

For the most part, things have been better. It's been hard to grieve our relationship when I can't talk about it or openly be sad about it. Things are still not normal with my husband. We both feel a distance, but I think it's getting better.

[2sunny]

Thanks for your response. I have suggested to my husband that we pursue an open relationship. I would not be bothered by him sleeping with someone else as long as it was done safely. He said he's not interested. His sex drive has been pretty low lately, I don't think he's yearning for a new romantic interest.

 

"Never give your power away" made me think. Over my adult life, I've been pretty confident, pretty self-assured. I'm not happy with the person I've become lately.

 

Anyway, thanks.

 

You told your H the incorrect info. You should have told him he already has a wife participating in an open M... Cheating.

 

He has EVERZy right to know you aren't the woman he THOUGHT he married.

 

Tell him even if you end it with your OM.

 

OM doesn't want you - he just wants you as long as you don't expect much.

[2sunny]

Just an update for anyone who remembers me -

 

I eventually wrote back to the OM, we talked on the phone a few times, then had a fight and haven't talked in 3 weeks. I think it's done for good. I have no plans to contact him anymore. Not sure how I will react if he contacts me.

 

For the most part, things have been better. It's been hard to grieve our relationship when I can't talk about it or openly be sad about it. Things are still not normal with my husband. We both feel a distance, but I think it's getting better.

 

Ooops - just saw this...

 

What was the fight about?

[road]

Still lying to your BH. How sad. Their is a disconnect for you and your BH. The way you sense some thing wrong with him that he is distant.

 

You right his is because he feels that you are distant to him. He can feel it but he can't figure out why there is the distance and disconnect in his marriage.

 

Shame you took a dump on your BH's life.

 

There he sits and you won't tell him so he can clean up his life.

[Got it]

((((cmc))))

 

Have you thought about doing therapy with your spouse? If you want to focus on your marriage and him, finding a good couples counselor may be a good way to go and give you a neutral area to voice your feelings.

 

What do you want in your life? What would it look like? I recommend reading "When Good People have Affairs" by Mira Kirshenbaum and "After the Affair". They may help you work through your thoughts and feelings and come to an acceptance and game plan for your future.

[Artie Lang]

Things are still not normal with my husband. We both feel a distance, but I think it's getting better.

 

OP, has your stance on divorce changed any?

 

you seem to know what you want. obviously, you're are not getting it with your husband. you need to make decision here. i mean, how much longer are you going to wait?

 

at this rate, you'll only enter into another affair.