Feeling left out

[pink_sugar]

I've been feeling like my husband and I have been left out as far as his father's family goes. His brother and wife came to visit from across the country and we can hardly see them, because we're pushed out when it comes to dinner time. (which his brother and wife start around 4) I have to work until about 3:30. So when I'm done with work, we cannot see them until around 7 or 8 after dinner, (because for whatever reason the grandmother freaks out about so many dinner guests, despite not doing the cooking) and to top that, the grandmother wants them home by 11pm. So this leaves very little time to visit with them. I told my husband to talk with his relatives about the fact we feel "pushed out" when his grandmother gets all stressed if we don't leave before they all have dinner. I tried not to be offended, but I'm taking it personally now especially since we haven't been able to have dinner together once in the last week. We basically have to squeeze time in after I get off work, after they have dinner and before a curfew time. To top that, they went to the city for the weekend with the aunt on some sort of tour. The aunt came from Oregon. And it seems she's visited all the relatives except for us. Every time she sees us, they just want a ride to the airport or to have ice cream. I have no idea what's up with at this favortism. His grandparents insist his brother and wife eat there for dinner, but we can't. So how are we supposed to visit these people?

[pink_sugar]

We asked what days would be good for them in advance to plan something so I could get time off work. Never got a definite answer, so I took a guess and since there still aren't any confirmed plans, I've decided to work tomorrow. They don't want us over around dinner, so if we're doing something during the day, we have to be back by a certain time or if we do something after dinner, we only have a few hours.

[NoMagicBullet]

I remember your other thred about the aunt, and I don't know what it is with these relatives, but there is definitely some sort of favoritism or game playing going on, and you and your hubby have the deck stacked against you.

 

If you've tried to make plans, then you've done what you can. The grandmother not having you over for dinner is absurd. She has some reason for this, but it has nothing to do with too many dinner guests. Nor do I see a good reason why brother and wife couldn't have dinner later, say at 5, if they are on vacation.

 

Do you enjoy spending time with these people when you do get to see them? The aunt and the grandparents, that is. Honestly, I wouldn't bother with them anymore. And the next time the aunt needs a ride to the airport, she can take a taxi.

 

I'm not suggesting you cut off the brother and his wife, but at the same time, they're adults and they need to draw a line with grandma and say "No, we're having dinner with my brother and his wife tonight," and go out for dinner with you two if they want to see you. Because that's the only way it seems it's going to happen.

 

If none of these family members will step up and make time for you to visit when they know your schedule, I say let 'em go. All relationships need effort by parties on both sides, and you and your husband can't keep up family relationships all by yourselves.

[pink_sugar]

Good point NMB. The grandmother does get finicky about having people over, because she will start freaking about about not having enough food and getting all riled up. They are very stingy and will try and make half a tomato spread amongst 4 people. The brother told us the grandmother hovers over them while they prepare dinner and gets upset easily if they use up the half a jar of pasta sauce that's left that barely covered the meatballs. She is just like that, but I do agree, his brother and wife need to be more firm about their plans. For example, today they cooked for the grandparents, but went out to dinner themselves because it was their anniversary today. If they can do that, they can tell the grandmother they are having dinner with us on a certain night, just like they blocked out two days to visit the city with other relatives. But I think they want to be really agreeable and not get the grandmother upset rather than risk her being upset with them. But they easily could have told her "sorry but we already made plans with my brother and his wife today since she took time off of work, we'll have to do that hike another day before we leave".

[pink_sugar]

I think the lesson with this, is that unless there are firm plans in place for specific dates, I'm not going to go out of my way. Even then, they seem to honor plans with other relatives. They will just have to work visiting around our work schedules next time and deal with it.

[NoMagicBullet]

Good point NMB. The grandmother does get finicky about having people over, because she will start freaking about about not having enough food and getting all riled up. They are very stingy and will try and make half a tomato spread amongst 4 people. The brother told us the grandmother hovers over them while they prepare dinner and gets upset easily if they use up the half a jar of pasta sauce that's left that barely covered the meatballs.

 

Wow. Stingy is an understatement. I'm sure the grandparents are on a fixed income, but surely the brother & his wife purchase groceries and such while they stay there. I'm surprised they stay with the grandparents at all. There is definitely a good deal of appeasement going on for some reason.

 

 

For example, today they cooked for the grandparents, but went out to dinner themselves because it was their anniversary today. If they can do that, they can tell the grandmother they are having dinner with us on a certain night, just like they blocked out two days to visit the city with other relatives.

 

Yes, they can make time for you if they can make time for others. I'm sorry they didn't.

 

 

I think the lesson with this, is that unless there are firm plans in place for specific dates, I'm not going to go out of my way. Even then, they seem to honor plans with other relatives. They will just have to work visiting around our work schedules next time and deal with it.

 

I think that's the best thing you can do. Good luck to you and your hubby.

[pink_sugar]

Thanks for your input NMB. I think most of the blame rests on the grandmother for having a strict curfew on them, keeping us out of dinner plans and out of other daily plans because it's too stressful. I can understand it to some extent...she's 90, but I wish she'd do some of the things with us that she does with them if too many people at once is an issue for her. However, the fact remains that the BIL and SIL do everything to placate her, even if it runs into our plans and that falls on them.

[capricorndreamgurl3]

I am curious; how do these people treat you WHEN you are around them. Do they ignore the two of you? Do they throw around insults/barbs? Or are they civil towards you guys? Every family has people like this who treat others like disposables. They made it clear what their priorities are. So I agree with everyone on here, why go the extra mile for someone who clearly doesn't do the same? You save yourself a lot of heartache.

 

It's the same way with my family, except they leave my husband out of things. They never expect my husband to come visit them. It's always JUST me. They ignore him when he is there and they hardly talk to him. Yet they say bad things behind his back (i.e. he needs to lose weight, he's a junk food junkie, he's a big ass baby, he's a mama's boy) I have never understood why they dislike him, other than one incident where my husband didn't acknowledge their presence when we we first dated. My husband apologized for it, but they never really got over it. It is sad that families hold onto things like that, when they should just drop it. So hopefully, there is no history like that with your situation. Just keep your head up. I hope things get better.

Edited August 3, 2012 by capricorndreamgurl3

[pink_sugar]

I am curious; how do these people treat you WHEN you are around them. Do they ignore the two of you? Do they throw around insults/barbs? Or are they civil towards you guys? Every family has people like this who treat others like disposables. They made it clear what their priorities are. So I agree with everyone on here, why go the extra mile for someone who clearly doesn't do the same? You save yourself a lot of heartache.

 

They are pretty civil with us, actually. I have no idea why they do this. It's bad enough they have a curfew along with excluding us for dinner and they have to go and do other festivities that don't include us. They knew my husband wasn't working, they could have at least invited him.

 

It's the same way with my family, except they leave my husband out of things. They never expect my husband to come visit them. It's always JUST me. They ignore him when he is there and they hardly talk to him. Yet they say bad things behind his back (i.e. he needs to lose weight, he's a junk food junkie, he's a big ass baby, he's a mama's boy) I have never understood why they dislike him, other than one incident where my husband didn't acknowledge their presence when we we first dated. My husband apologized for it, but they never really got over it. It is sad that families hold onto things like that, when they should just drop it. So hopefully, there is no history like that with your situation. Just keep your head up. I hope things get better.

 

Is this your family or his? My dad's side is the only one who does this to my husband. Makes constant remarks about my husband's looks or things he does or about our relationship. He's always just tolerated my husband, nothing more. For this reason I keep my distance from him.

[capricorndreamgurl3]

They are pretty civil with us, actually. I have no idea why they do this. It's bad enough they have a curfew along with excluding us for dinner and they have to go and do other festivities that don't include us. They knew my husband wasn't working, they could have at least invited him.

 

It's still pretty crappy what they are doing though. It is just plain rude. Have you confronted them about this yet? I would tell them that I am being left out and what they are doing is rude. My husband's family (when we were first dating, waaaaay back in the day) did this crap to me. I helped them get him moved into his dorm back in college, and yet, they run off to lunch and don't invite me. They for some reason did not like me back then. My husband and I went through a 5 year period where we didn't talk to each other and one day, we started talking again and it lead to where we are today, getting married. I told him about how I felt about what his family did to me and he apologized. Things got better. His family includes me in EVERYTHING. It's as if I am their second daughter. It's great.

 

Is this your family or his? My dad's side is the only one who does this to my husband. Makes constant remarks about my husband's looks or things he does or about our relationship. He's always just tolerated my husband, nothing more. For this reason I keep my distance from him.

 

It's my family who has a problem with him. My parents are two of the most judgmental people I have ever seen in my life. They act like they are just so awesome best friends with people, then behind their back, talk crap about them, like "So and so is lazy. It must be so niccce that she doesn't have to cook for her husband'. Just little things that they absolutely have no business talking about. It really pisses me off and I think that is what really separates me from them.