Her mom doesn't want her on BC

[Thierro]

A week ago, my catholic girlfriend and I had our first sexual experience. After fingering her, I jerked myself off on her stomach. Later I ask her what kind of birth control she was on. To my huge surprise she told me; ‘None.’ I remembered that some sperm dribbled down from her stomach onto the fabric of her panties. Mind you, I know that the chance of getting her pregnant this way is very slim, but I was still shocked. ‘Why aren’t you on any BC?’ ‘My mom doesn’t want me to. She doesn’t like them.’ I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I sat down with her and we had a talk about sex in general. I told her that if we wanted to have sex in the future that she needs to take some form of BC, preferably condoms (me) and the pill. I asked; ‘What if you get pregnant?’ ‘I don’t want to get it removed.’

 

Now I’m actually terrified of getting this girl pregnant, especially because I don’t want any kids. Even going Double Dutch won’t give me enough reassurance. How do I go about this? Only answers I can think of is not having sex with her, get a vasectomy or split up.

 

Her parents are VERY controlling. I have no idea how to get her to stand up to her parents so she can at least take sensible measurements to prevent pregnancy.

 

I want BC for men to be widely available. No sex until 2015...

Edited July 26, 2012 by Thierro

[Balzac]

It sounds like one and done. With perfect use, the highest rate of contraceptive reliability is 99%. Think IUD. Condoms are less effective.

 

I have no idea how old you are, how certain you are about no kids but it's not unthinkable that you persue surgical process of vasectomy. Not many urologists will willingly perform this procedure on under 25 w/o children. I'm sure you can find one, it is reversible, you can make a deposit to a sperm bank.

 

Thinking that no contraceptive means no sex, crazy thinking. Thinking that condoms are always perfect use, crazy. Coitus Interruptus is way less effective than 99%.

 

This girl is being set up for a shot gun wedding! Gotta love people who think this way. To each his own.

[aj22one]

RISUG: Reversible Inhibition of Sperm Under Guidance. Been around for a while but hasn't been approved in the US. Lasts 10 years but can be reversed before that. More effective than getting snipped and none of the negative side effects. You probably haven't heard of it because it wasn't produced by big pharma.

 

Seriously dude. This is the future of sex. haha

[Forever Silent]

A week ago, my catholic girlfriend and I had our first sexual experience. After fingering her, I jerked myself off on her stomach. Later I ask her what kind of birth control she was on. To my huge surprise she told me; ‘None.’ I remembered that some sperm dribbled down from her stomach onto the fabric of her panties. Mind you, I know that the chance of getting her pregnant this way is very slim, but I was still shocked. ‘Why aren’t you on any BC?’ ‘My mom doesn’t want me to. She doesn’t like them.’ I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I sat down with her and we had a talk about sex in general. I told her that if we wanted to have sex in the future that she needs to take some form of BC, preferably condoms (me) and the pill. I asked; ‘What if you get pregnant?’ ‘I don’t want to get it removed.’

 

Now I’m actually terrified of getting this girl pregnant, especially because I don’t want any kids. Even going Double Dutch won’t give me enough reassurance. How do I go about this? Only answers I can think of is not having sex with her, get a vasectomy or split up.

 

Her parents are VERY controlling. I have no idea how to get her to stand up to her parents so she can at least take sensible measurements to prevent pregnancy.

 

I want BC for men to be widely available. No sex until 2015...

 

Yo, really I try to tell all the women I meet to be wary of birth control. Those pills can have lasting affects on the body. Also wear a condom or abstain from sex. A male should bear some of the responsibilty.

[FitChick]

Limit yourself to oral sex.

 

Plenty of Catholics use birth control, by the way. They just don't talk about it or just confess it next time they go to confession.

[denise_xo]

Prsonally, I've never taken hormonally based BC regularly - no pills, no hormonal based IUD, and so on. I just really don't want to feed all that stuff into my body on a daily basis, and the one time I did try to go on pills, I ended up in hospital. So, for the past twenty years, I've relied on condoms as my form of BC, which works very well for me, especially after they produced the morning after pill, which I take the in the very rare occasion that a condom breaks. This has only happened to me twice, I think, over the past two decades. What's happened a couple more times is that the condom slipped off inside. Again, in that case I'll take a morning after pill. What I like about condoms is that you know immediately when something is wrong - as opposed to the stories you hear where people are on the pill and get pregnant and don't notice until their two months on the way.

 

As a form of compromise, you could have sex with a condom but come outside. Not perfect, but perhaps the best alternative if you don't want to take any risks.

[taiko]

Limit yourself to oral sex.

 

Plenty of Catholics use birth control, by the way. They just don't talk about it or just confess it next time they go to confession.

religiously speaking isn't that just as bad according to the bishops? In their perfect world the only means of birth control is the rhythmic method, called natural family planning between the husband and wife.

 

If any sex at all occurs then it is to be finished with the husband ejaculating inside of his wife's vagina. Finishing with oral, dry humping, withdrawal and masturbation is just as bad as visiting a prostitute. Therefore if you are going to do it with a girlfriend, or anyone besides your valid spouse, you might as well go all the way and use all that modern science has provided to protect yourself

[Emilia]

Only answers I can think of is not having sex with her, get a vasectomy or split up.

 

 

Yeah, I think she has that 'if I get pregnant, I get pregnant' attitude too. How much do you like this girl? Personally I wouldn't date a man who wanted to get me pregnant on any level as I don't want kids and I wouldn't want the condom 'accidently split'.

[stillafool]

How old is this girl? Maybe there's a reason her mum doesn't want her on BC.

[BetheButterfly]

Yo, really I try to tell all the women I meet to be wary of birth control. Those pills can have lasting affects on the body. Also wear a condom or abstain from sex. A male should bear some of the responsibilty.

 

 

I tried the pill and I hated it, cause I gained weight like I was a balloon and my hormones were jumping through the roof!

 

My husband uses condoms. We are Christians, but we do not see anywhere in the Bible where it forbids condoms or airplanes or vehicles or operations or medicine ... so birth control is one of those "grey areas."

 

I personally believe that a human life starts when the heart first begins to beat. Now, my sister who is an RN considers human life to begin at conception, but I disagree because I think once the heart beats, that's when life is more one's own... it's an interesting study.

 

Anyways, because of this, I am not against the day after pill nor am I against preventing conception to take place. My husband and I do want to have children someday but we also believe God has given people nowadays the ability to use preventative means in order to "schedule" better when to have children.

 

It is interesting how the incredibly enjoyable/pleasurable feelings of sex is how babies are formed!!! I love that, but it is so sad how so many people like the pleasure but have an issue with the honor of parenthood. Long time ago, having babies was considered an honor and a blessing. The Bible talks about the honor and blessing of having children.

 

As for this girl, OP, I would advise you to talk with her about what she herself beliefs, not just her Mother. Now, it is very possible that she believes the same as her Mom. Or not. Regardless, it would be good to talk about when one believes a little life in a woman's womb becomes human life. Many Christians do believe that killing human life in the the safe, custom-built protective womb to be murder. Some believe prevention is just as bad as killing human life inside the womb, so that would be a good thing to discuss.

 

Since sex is the way humans typically reproduce, it is important to be mature and have mature discussions about reproduction. If her beliefs are different than yours, it would be good to decide to not engage in sex. Maybe she believes the same as you however, instead of her mother. It is even possible that her mother would prefer her not be having sex with you... my Mom taught my sisters and me abstinence until marriage. If she disagrees with her Mother, than maybe it's time for her to voice that to her Mom. She is an adult, after all. Adults are free to make their own decisions.

Edited August 1, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[norajane]

Her parents are VERY controlling. I have no idea how to get her to stand up to her parents so she can at least take sensible measurements to prevent pregnancy.

 

She isn't going to stand up to them until she starts thinking for herself, and only if what she wants is different from what she's been taught. She sounds like she's willing to have a baby if she gets pregnant, and seeing as you don't want any children, you may not be compatible at all.

 

There are probably a LOT of other things besides this that you would be surprised to learn about her beliefs.

[taiko]

How old is this girl? Maybe there's a reason her mum doesn't want her on BC.

It was said she is Catholic, which means its a mortal sin and if she dies without confessing and changing her lifestyle then her soul is probably going to hell. Then we come to the problem that any fornication at all has the same result. As I understand it if you confess without the real intention to change it is the same as not confessing at all.

[Radu]

Just use condoms and coitus interruptus.

Keep them in a metal box, don't keep them for more than a few yrs after production, and check them before and after usage.

 

What scares me is that she might sabotage your BC out of religious guilt for what she is doing.

[Thierro]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Seeing my past couple of posts on LS, it surely looks like I made some ill-considered choices. I ignored huge red flags. I thought a solution would eventually present itself. Don’t get me wrong, she’s wonderful, but we’re not very compatible concerning a couple of key points. I really like her, but this is the first time I am dating a catholic. I respect her believes, even though I don’t agree with them at all. In my past relationships there were no issues concerning BC. We all shared the same ideas ‘If I get pregnant, I will get rid of it asap’. But now that I am dating a Christian, it really boggles my mind how hypocritical, ignorant and naïve a lot of them can be. Having sex with her is a no go, because the fear of getting her pregnant is too inhibiting.

 

She still hasn’t had her period and it’s been 32 day’s since I ejaculated on her stomach. I’m being frantic about it. The chance for her getting pregnant is so incredibly small. There were only a few wet spots on her underwear and they were not even touching the labia. Her periods are still irregular, especially because she isn’t on any BC. I thought I was being safe. But I clearly didn’t think about the possibilities of sperm dribbling down her stomach to her panties and sperm finding its way inside her vagina all the way up to the uterus. I stupidly made the mistake thinking she is on some kind of BC before blowing my load on her. Even in perfect condition there’s only a 80 percent chance that a girl can get pregnant, but her being ‘late’ doesn’t stop me worrying.

 

I’ll bring her a pregnancy test when I see her. Just to be sure.

 

We definitely need to have a good talk about sex and other things before we move on.

 

I think her parents did a terrible job raising her this way. She doesn’t have her own opinions, she desperately seeks the approval of her parents by acting innocent and being the good girl. She WILL break free eventually. Her parents are suffocating her and prevent her from learning about real life. She’s very shy and closeted.

 

I made too many mistakes.

[BetheButterfly]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Seeing my past couple of posts on LS, it surely looks like I made some ill-considered choices. I ignored huge red flags. I thought a solution would eventually present itself. Don’t get me wrong, she’s wonderful, but we’re not very compatible concerning a couple of key points. I really like her, but this is the first time I am dating a catholic. I respect her believes, even though I don’t agree with them at all. In my past relationships there were no issues concerning BC. We all shared the same ideas ‘If I get pregnant, I will get rid of it asap’.

 

Sadly, the idea of having a baby has changed for many people. Long time ago having a healthy baby was considered a blessing and an honor. Nowadays for many people, getting pregnant seemed to be like a disease.

 

 

 

But now that I am dating a Christian, it really boggles my mind how hypocritical, ignorant and naïve a lot of them can be.

 

Hypocritical is saying one thing and doing the opposite. Many people are hypocritical, including Non-Christians. Many people, including Non-Christians, can also be ignorant and naive.

 

Having sex with her is a no go, because the fear of getting her pregnant is too inhibiting.

 

I do very much agree that it's not the wisest idea to make love to a woman you do not want to commit to, especially if she believes that getting pregnant is not a disease to get rid of "it" but rather a blessing to nurture as another little human life with great value and worth.

 

She still hasn’t had her period and it’s been 32 day’s since I ejaculated on her stomach. I’m being frantic about it. The chance for her getting pregnant is so incredibly small. There were only a few wet spots on her underwear and they were not even touching the labia. Her periods are still irregular, especially because she isn’t on any BC. I thought I was being safe. But I clearly didn’t think about the possibilities of sperm dribbling down her stomach to her panties and sperm finding its way inside her vagina all the way up to the uterus. I stupidly made the mistake thinking she is on some kind of BC before blowing my load on her. Even in perfect condition there’s only a 80 percent chance that a girl can get pregnant, but her being ‘late’ doesn’t stop me worrying.

 

I’ll bring her a pregnancy test when I see her. Just to be sure.

 

Please encourage her to talk to someone she trusts about this if she is indeed pregnant. Hopefully she will talk to her parents about it, if they are good parents who love her and want the best for her and any offspring (little tiny humans) she conceives. Do you love her and any offspring you and her would produce? If the answer is no, why risk hurting her???

 

We definitely need to have a good talk about sex and other things before we move on.

 

I personally think you are very wrong for her. You obviously do not share her beliefs (if they are hers too) and do not respect either her or her parents, even if you say you do. Respecting is more than just words; it is action too.

 

I think her parents did a terrible job raising her this way.

 

You are of course free to make your own opinions as to how other people raise their children. Until you have had the responsibility of taking care of a tiny little human life from the time he or she leaves the womb till the time he or she is 18, it is possible you would not understand. Your very desire of not wanting a baby and the responsibility parenthood brings at this point in your life shows that you judging how parents who kept their baby and nurtured her is not a selfless opinion. Wait until you want a baby (if you ever do!) and feel the baby kick at you with his or her little feet from the womb of your loved one, and see the baby be born into this world, and take care of your baby through all the stages of infancy and childhood, then make your own conclusion about this girl's parents, ok?

 

she doesn’t have her own opinions, she desperately seeks the approval of her parents by acting innocent and being the good girl. She WILL break free eventually. Her parents are suffocating her and prevent her from learning about real life. She’s very shy and closeted.

 

I made too many mistakes.

 

In many cultures, honor and respecting one's parents is important. Although that may not be the case in your personal experience, that doesn't mean that wanting to be "good" in order to please one's parents is bad. It just means it's a different worldview than yours.

Edited August 2, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[Thierro]

Respect needs to be earned. Too many parents fail miserably. It shows.

 

I will talk her out of it if she’s pregnant. But let’s not get too far ahead. I’ve learned two things from this whole ordeal: Break up because of different viewpoints (from now on being Christian is a huge red flag) or get a vasectomy.

[BetheButterfly]

Respect needs to be earned.

 

Do you respect a child, or does the child have to earn one's respect?

 

In my opinion, being worthy of respect is like being innocent. Until one is guilty of committing a horrible crime, why label anyone as either unworthy of respect or guilty?

 

Too many parents fail miserably. It shows.

 

I don't believe a girl in her 20s wanting to please her parents shows failure. Now, if her parents sexually, physically, or verbally abused her, then that they most definitely failed miserably. Or, if they neglected her, that is also a tragic fail. Instead of judging her parents just because she wants to please them, why not understand that her worldview is different than yours? As long as her parents did not abuse her and are striving to protect her from abuse (and sad to say, some boyfriends do abuse their girlfriends) than why judge them, especially since you are not a parent responsible for a little human life who you have raised?

 

I will talk her out of it if she’s pregnant.

 

If she's pregnant, I hope she gets wise counsel and does what she wants, not what you or any other person wants her to do. I hope she decides for herself her goals in life and what she wants to do with the little life growing in the amazing place where babies develop. If she herself (not because of you but because of her own desires) decides to abort, I hope she does it way before the heart begins to beat.

 

But let’s not get too far ahead. I’ve learned two things from this whole ordeal: Break up because of different viewpoints (from now on being Christian is a huge red flag) or get a vasectomy.

 

I agree that in most cases, especially where worldviews are so different, it's the best for Non-Christians and Christians to not get into a sexual relationship. Friendship is fine and wonderful, but sexual relationships involve making decisions that could drastically affects one's conscious and life, as well as future little lives.

 

If you don't ever want kids, please get a vasectomy!!! Thanks.

[BetheButterfly]

Just to add, I am planning on getting my tubes tied after having 2 kids with my husband. (I have never gotten pregnant, as far I as I know.)

 

Now, I don't know what the future holds so I can't 100% guarantee I will, but that is my plan. I would like to have 2 kids and adopt 2 kids (siblings). I believe my husband and I can be wonderful parents. If I didn't want to have kids and did not think that I and the man (who I want kids with) could be good parents, I would make sure to never get pregnant.

Edited August 2, 2012 by BetheButterfly

[Trimmer]

Respect needs to be earned.

Heh, I want to see the video when you get pulled over for speeding...

 

You said that her periods are still irregular... I may have missed it, but I don't think I saw you post her specific age. (I know irregular periods can span a wide age range, but the comment made me wonder.)

 

Anyway, how old is she? To a degree, this goes to how much influence her parents have on her etc. Since you seem to think they're doing a terrible job, I'm just wondering if she's 15 (at which point, I would generally expect parents to be exerting some influence) or 20, at which point, I would generally expect a young adult to be demonstrating some independence from her parents.

[Thierro]

I cringe when I read my latest submissions on LS. I clearly need to re-evaluate what I am doing with my life.

 

She’s 18, very intelligent and mature for her age. Maturity is very important to me. I can be quite the serious guy myself. But as I get older, I begin to see that I need a woman with more life experience. Dating a younger girl gives me the feeling of being needed and appreciated. In my experience an older woman seems more independent. I love clinginess in a girl.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I respect every person I talk to. I’m always complimented on how well I behave around people. It’s common courtesy to me. Respect to me however, is earned by certain personality trades that I think highly of. For instance, I respect how well you communicate with others here on LS, BetheButterfly. You earned my respect. It’s something I look up to.

 

I got her a pregnancy test and it turns out she’s not pregnant. I’m not 100 percent sure if I want to have kids or not. I “hate” other people’s kids, I don’t want to worry 24/7 about a child, I’m over-protective, I don’t want my kids to grow up in a world like this… There are benefits as well but I’m not sure if they outweigh the negatives.

 

I’m not sure what I am going to do about the sexual part of our relation though. I know where we both stand, so maybe there’s a solution or compromise we both can live with.

[BetheButterfly]

I cringe when I read my latest submissions on LS. I clearly need to re-evaluate what I am doing with my life.

 

She’s 18, very intelligent and mature for her age. Maturity is very important to me. I can be quite the serious guy myself. But as I get older, I begin to see that I need a woman with more life experience. Dating a younger girl gives me the feeling of being needed and appreciated. In my experience an older woman seems more independent. I love clinginess in a girl.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I respect every person I talk to. I’m always complimented on how well I behave around people. It’s common courtesy to me. Respect to me however, is earned by certain personality trades that I think highly of. For instance, I respect how well you communicate with others here on LS, BetheButterfly. You earned my respect. It’s something I look up to.

 

I got her a pregnancy test and it turns out she’s not pregnant. I’m not 100 percent sure if I want to have kids or not. I “hate” other people’s kids, I don’t want to worry 24/7 about a child, I’m over-protective, I don’t want my kids to grow up in a world like this… There are benefits as well but I’m not sure if they outweigh the negatives.

 

I’m not sure what I am going to do about the sexual part of our relation though. I know where we both stand, so maybe there’s a solution or compromise we both can live with.

 

Thanks. I respect you too though we are different. I am glad she is not pregnant!!! It would be hard for both of you if she were. She would have a lot of decisions to make that would be very difficult in her situation.

 

I don't really understand why you "hate" other people's kids. Do they annoy you if they are loud or disobedient or disrespectful? I understand about not wanting your kids to grow up in a world like this...

 

If you are not 100% sure that you don't want kids, then please don't get a vasectomy. I think those are only for those who are 100% sure they don't want to have children.

 

If you continue having a sexual relationship with her, it would be good to talk to her to see if she is wanting more than a sexual relationship with you. For example, most devout Christian women (both Catholics and Protestants) desire a spiritual and emotional relationship with their loved one with whom they also have a sexual relationship. I'm not sure how devout she is or if she is merely echoing her parents' beliefs, but it would be good to talk with her about her dreams and goals and convictions in life.

 

It would be really sad if either one of you hurt the other emotionally, due to differences in goals in the relationship.

[Thierro]

I’ll be more responsible and careful from now on. I am a very introverted guy. It takes a lot of energy to be surrounded by people. I can’t stand being in a room with more than 5 people. Kids are so loud, it sucks all the energy out of me. I always have the urge to escape from crowded places. I enjoy kids that are well behaved and quiet. I like interacting with those kids and playing with them.

 

Why do you want kids BetheButterfly? How do you take on the responsibility for your kids to grow up in a non-perfect and scary world full of hurt, resentment, unfairness and what not? A lot of parents to be are quite selfish to make such a huge decision for someone. Why would you let your own kids go through the hardship of life?