boyfriend/fiance up to no good, sticky situation

[imonyourside]

I need advice on specific situation, on what to believe here. I'm so confused. My boyfriend of almost 2 years and I have a 6 m.o. daughter and since halfway thru pregnancy our relationship has been falling apart. today, from my most recent ex (who had cheated on me with his ex - we will call her ann, also his childs mother) I found out that my bf has been contacting my exs childs mother (ann)! Now these people all know of eachother, but we aren't all friends, just knew of eachother through high school and such. Anyway, ann and I never got along for obvious reasons and my current bf is very aware of that, he knows better than to be spending any kind of time with her, and especially to be keeping it from me. My ex tells me he saw her when a friend visited from out of town, that they all went to a hotel to hang out and that my bf was all over ann. Also, that he told ann he thought our child was mine and my exs (which let's me know some truth to this bc my bf does have this wrongful suspicion)... I was also told that my bf is always trying to get ann to come over to our place!! And that they were supposed to go to the pool last week together. ... I just don't know what to believe. I would almost not believe it except for the part about him thinking its my exs baby. That's the clincher. What do I do??!! I tried to drop a hint about it.. but my bf is the lie thru his teeth, take it to his grave type. I just didn't think he was this bad of a person...

[foralittlerespect]

I need advice on specific situation, on what to believe here. I'm so confused. My boyfriend of almost 2 years and I have a 6 m.o. daughter and since halfway thru pregnancy our relationship has been falling apart. today, from my most recent ex (who had cheated on me with his ex - we will call her ann, also his childs mother) I found out that my bf has been contacting my exs childs mother (ann)! Now these people all know of eachother, but we aren't all friends, just knew of eachother through high school and such. Anyway, ann and I never got along for obvious reasons and my current bf is very aware of that, he knows better than to be spending any kind of time with her, and especially to be keeping it from me. My ex tells me he saw her when a friend visited from out of town, that they all went to a hotel to hang out and that my bf was all over ann. Also, that he told ann he thought our child was mine and my exs (which let's me know some truth to this bc my bf does have this wrongful suspicion)... I was also told that my bf is always trying to get ann to come over to our place!! And that they were supposed to go to the pool last week together. ... I just don't know what to believe. I would almost not believe it except for the part about him thinking its my exs baby. That's the clincher. What do I do??!! I tried to drop a hint about it.. but my bf is the lie thru his teeth, take it to his grave type. I just didn't think he was this bad of a person...

 

This sounds familiar! (Read my other posts...)

 

OP, you said it yourself: He's lying through his teeth. Guys like this play by their own set of rules. If you're anything like me, you keep telling yourself it's not that bad, that you must be mistaken, that you MUST catch him in the act to validate your suspicions...

 

Also, telling others that he thinks you had a child with your ex? How very disrespectful and degrading. In my personal experience and that of many others, the guilty dog ALWAYS barks first. Why? He's justifying his actions...

 

I would advise you to be direct--he probably loves it that you aren't being direct, and if you are, he'll probably put the fear of God in you for doubting him, lash out at you, or worse, tell you that *you're* the guilty one. DON'T BUY IT. Don't let people like this keep yanking your chain, making your crazy, or gaslight you (a systematic series of lies they feed you to make you doubt your own reality and perceptions which are, in fact, VERY accurate.) I let someone do this to me for 2 years, and it is very difficult to heal from...but imagine how great it felt when, after years of his lying, emotional bullying, and cheating, I told him to eff off and HE was devastated. I will never understand him, why he lied, cheated, etc., but i am DONE! Just my two cents

[stillafool]

Why can't you come right out and ask him about this?

[imonyourside]

Foralittlerespect - I feel like your answer is just what I needed. I needed to stop second guessing myself. All my boyfriend does is deny, deny, deny. Anytime I find myself catching him in any kind of a lie big or small he just denies it. Its like he's scared of apologizing. Or doing harm. And it would always pose doubt to my mind, like maybe I'm just wrong... but I can't just always be wrong. I've never had 100% proof, like catch the guy in the act type proof, but I've had enough to know somethings not right.... I guess I'm in disbelief he would see this person. Behind my back. I did see your post, did you ever decide to walk away? I only read your post, not the two pages of threads that followed.

 

Stillafool - I did ask. I had to make up some stupid story about how I found out about the hotel thing. Bc my ex doesn't want me mentioning his name and I'm trying hard to keep that promise. So I brought up the pool thing and my bf just denies anything of the sort. Says the last time he saw or talked to 'ann' was a long time ago...

 

Anyway, guess I got the info I needed. Anyone got info on how to get child support??

[foralittlerespect]

Foralittlerespect - I feel like your answer is just what I needed. I needed to stop second guessing myself. All my boyfriend does is deny, deny, deny. Anytime I find myself catching him in any kind of a lie big or small he just denies it. Its like he's scared of apologizing. Or doing harm. And it would always pose doubt to my mind, like maybe I'm just wrong... but I can't just always be wrong. I've never had 100% proof, like catch the guy in the act type proof, but I've had enough to know somethings not right.... I guess I'm in disbelief he would see this person. Behind my back. I did see your post, did you ever decide to walk away? I only read your post, not the two pages of threads that followed.

 

Stillafool - I did ask. I had to make up some stupid story about how I found out about the hotel thing. Bc my ex doesn't want me mentioning his name and I'm trying hard to keep that promise. So I brought up the pool thing and my bf just denies anything of the sort. Says the last time he saw or talked to 'ann' was a long time ago...

 

Anyway, guess I got the info I needed. Anyone got info on how to get child support??

 

 

Glad to hear it. And yes, I did get the strength to walk away (posted it on here, too!) Was it hard? Yes. It was. But, I got much better pretty quickly. I was so invested in the idea that I somehow had gotten it all wrong...but with each passing day, I found myself in more and more disbelief at what a chump he actually was. Someone I lived with for two years, gave the world too, and loved very much, would lie without reservation and "deny, deny, deny" even when I had proof on paper. He accused me of cheating constantly, it was absolutely ridiculous. I found myself really caught up in trying to prove him wrong, but then it hit me: why do I care what he thinks, someone who is so obviously not in reality in the slightest? It's like they're saying "The sky is green" over and over again and even though you know it's ridiculous, you start doubting your own perceptions and thinking the sky ain't blue after all.

 

The sky is blue.

 

You won't get validation from him, so take it from me and everyone here on this site and in your waking life. We believe in you!

 

Also, another user recommended this site to me as I was getting the strength to leave my loser boyfriend:

 

Baggage Reclaim - The Dating & Relationship blog | relationship advice | emotional unavailability | commitment | self-esteem | dating advice | communication in relationships | being the other woman

 

Natalie has a way with words and literally hundreds of posts about all things to do with the content of your post. You might find something in there that speaks to you or makes you go "Oh my God. That's him." I certainly did!

 

Glad you're here.

[dasein]

Why is your BF out doing so much socializing and flirting while you are home with the kid? That's unacceptable. He's definitely up to something, get shed. Good luck.