Money - self identity

[robaday]

A year ago, I found out my father had a 12 year old daughter in another country where hes lived and worked all my life. He told me and wanted me to keep it quiet from my mother, who had raised me.

 

Up to this point, my father had been abusive mentally, and infrequently physically, all my life. I didnt really know him apart from 2 weeks a year, although they were technically still married.

 

I had to break the news to my mother and sister. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I pretty much walked away from his millions. It felt good, to get rid of the last thing that he held me by and always had - money - better to live life on my own terms than be controlled and feel i owe someone.

 

We are on talking terms, although our relationship is torn. He is remorseful and for the first time has treated me as a human being, as an adult.

 

Recently he told me and my sister about his will arrangements. That we are both going to stand to inherit a fortune. This might sound crazy but I dont want his money. I really dont. Ive carved my life from scratch, overcome major problems on my own, and have achieved an awful lot. I wanted a father, and part of me still does.

 

Any advice on these boards? I feel compromised, feel like, even after he has lost his family through a divorce, he is still using money as bait, still trying to bribe my love. When really all he ever had to do was tell me he loved me and was proud of me, thats all I ever wanted.

[Got it]

I think it is only bait if you give it that level of importance. It's his money so he can do whatever he wants with it. If he ends up giving it to you, it will be your money to choose to keep or give it all away.

 

What I think you are saying is that money is being used as a way to connect than through emotions, etc. Don't give any importance to the money and keep pushing for the emotional needs that you have, communicate them and see what he says/does.

[NoMagicBullet]

Don't feel compromised. First, he's says you're going to get a fortune in his will, but that may change before he dies. If he ever tries to use the loss of the promised fortune to manipulate you, it sounds like you already won't fall for it. And like Got it said, you can give the money away if you want, if and when you get it.

 

It's sad, but some people cannot express affection, love or respect in ways that do not involve material things. Money, gifts, etc, are how they communicate. Your dad may be one of these people. It's still worth a try to see if you can build a better father/son relationship, but don't feel bad or feel that it's your fault if he never changes his ways of using money to negotiate his relationships. Sadly, some people are that way and can never get past it.

 

Good for you in standing up to him and not lying for him, and good luck with him in the future.

[robaday]

Thanks for your replies - they both make sense. I agree, he does use money as his way of showing love, and affection.

 

His dream was for me to work for him and take over his business. I chose not to, perhaps a harder route in life, but i wanted freedom in my life to do as i chose.

 

Guess Im the same as him in many ways - proud, hard working and wanting to be my own man. I became a socialist at a young age, perhaps in rebellion at him, and for me, money has caused more problems than blessings in my life.

 

Thanks again for your advice. There are several charities I have in mind which i will speak to my sister about. i just dont want to get sucked into a territorial pissing battle, and dont fully trust his intentions (i.e if theres some responsibility im not aware of, linked to the money).