toolcutie Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Ok, so my boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot lately. More than we ever did before he left. My latest problem is that I'm finding he can't seem to commit to anything. I mean, anything, big or small. He refuses to talk about living together because he says we don't know what will happen and he doesn't know where he'll be in 2 or 3 or 4 years. I understand that, and I know there are no guarantees, but I would at least like him to say that he would like to be living together within the next couple of years and that it is something we will work towards. He's just very sketchy about things like that. When he does come home to visit he won't even tell me when he's coming over. He can't just pick a time and show up, he'll say "well it'll be before 3" or something like that, but he can't just commit to a time and stick with it. He says that he's like that because he doesn't want to make promises he may not be able to keep which ends up leaving me dissapointed, and he hates to dissapoint me. He doesn't get that I understand the sometimes things happen that change the course of life, but I'm a structured person who likes to have a goal, a game plan. Can anyone relate or give me some help as to how I'm supposed to get through to him that I need more than just "we'll see" if this is ever going to work. Or is it somehow wrong of me to need some validation from him as to where this relationship is going and that we do want the same things. I need to see it, and to feel it, words aren't enough for me. It's far to easy to say one thing and then do another right? Please Help Toolcutie Link to post Share on other sites
DeadByDawn Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 SO find a chick. Your obviously too blunt to be with a man. Guys are scared to commit to a girl. Girls are very scary creatures. Maybe if you gave him more head things wouldnt be so rough. God what is it with women? Anyways he's probably cheating on you by the sound of it. Ah well tough luck kid. ~Greg~ Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 go out and buy "hes scared, shes scared" by stephen carter Hes a commitment phobic believe me!! Walk away from him, you are in for it if you dont! i went thru this Link to post Share on other sites
pedro101 Posted August 1, 2004 Share Posted August 1, 2004 Hey, I'm a commitmentphobic also and I don't know how to overcome it. Should my girlfriend up and leave me? I am so scared so often and I can't hate myself for it anymore. It seems like noone understands. Is there a way I can change? pedro101 Link to post Share on other sites
lostinlove0479 Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 I can only speak on what I have seen in my own world, but when a man (or woman, for that matter) does not want to commit to longevity in the relationship there are 2 things that may be going on: 1. They really may not want to lead you down a path when they really aren't sure what may happen tomorrow 2. They don't want to commit and make excuses about it because there is some deeper reason (be it cheating, contemplating being with someone new, etc...) From my own experience, although not quite the same, I constantly pressured a guy I was dating to commit to me. He made similar excuses about not knowing where he might be in a year, 2, 10. I made it quite clear that I would stick around for the long haul and he still seemed unsure. I pressured him for an answer until he finally gave in. Two months later, I found out he was still seeing his ex. It all made sense at that point. He only commited to me b/c I gave him ultimatum after ultimatum. If your b/f does not want to answer you, chances are there is some reason why he's constantly telling you no. Don't continue pressing the subject b/c just the fact that he does not commit or further explain his reason to not moving in with you in a few years (for God sake, you didn't say next month), even to little things, IS telling you something. You are in denial and hopeful that it is not what you think it may be...that he is unsure of the relationship you two have. It's a frustrating situation to be in...but chances are your relationship will end soon, if only for this reason and you getting completely fed up. You're on this website, so it's obvious it's bothering you. A bit of advice though: Don't constantly hold onto something if it's not measuring up to what you want. Meaning, don't deprive yourself of what you really want just for the sake of the relationship. There should only be so much compromise in a relationship. You may need to threaten him with a break up to see exactly what he might do or say. I don't know, things don't sound good from the sound of it. If you have to let it go, let it go. Sometimes searching for an answer/validation only gets us hurt even more so. You know what's up. Whether or not your willing to see it for what it is, your b/f's actions are your answer. Though it's not verbal or it my not make any sense, something definitely is wrong. And if he's not willing to tell you what the problem is, he doesn't care as much as you do about your relationship. Good luck. If he's not the guy for you, love will find you at a later date and time and this situation will help you appreciate it even more than you could ever imagine right now! **What's up with this guy Greg who responded. You are either really silly or really sick! No offense.** Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_19742004 Posted August 2, 2004 Share Posted August 2, 2004 Have you asked him if he's happy? Link to post Share on other sites
HAVANA Posted August 20, 2004 Share Posted August 20, 2004 Originally posted by pedro101 Hey, I'm a commitmentphobic also and I don't know how to overcome it. Should my girlfriend up and leave me? I am so scared so often and I can't hate myself for it anymore. It seems like noone understands. Is there a way I can change? pedro101 Hello Pedro101 I don't know about you but I think that before you go onto relationships figure out what you would like from them. Then bring it up with them and see if it mats out for the both of you. If it doesn't work, all the trouble would not have been done and no hard feelings rite? I have been with a guy like you and I still love the guy like you. I know how hard it is to let go. I truly love him and he doesn't love me back. There's nothing I can do to move on! I wish I had it in me but when you love someone you just do. Most guys don't realize what kind of an innocent gem they had in there hands until she's gone. Most guys listen to friends or rumors too. I hope you aren't one of those guys?? What I'm trying to say is hold on to her, treat her like the women she is. Love her and tell her you do too. Make the most of what you have when you have it. One day you'll look back and realize you could have had something special. If you just gave a yearning heart a chance:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author toolcutie Posted August 20, 2004 Author Share Posted August 20, 2004 Hi all. Thanks for all the input. Just a bit of an update. We have further discussed it. I told him either I was going to get something out of him or I was going to leave. We had a huge talk, a really good talk and we both explained things from our side. He's been making pretty good progress, at least I see him trying. He'll do what he has to do so he can be here, and I make him give me a time. I told him he needs to learn how not to avoid making promises, but rather learn how to make them and keep them. Things seem to have been better latley, and the best news of all if that he's coming home for good next Friday! It's been a hard summer, but we pulled through and I think that says something. He tells me i make him happier than he ever imagined possible, and that I'm like dream because he didn't think it was possible for someone like me to exist. I know it's cheesy, but it means the world to me to hear him say it because I actually believe him. Thanks again everyone. Toolcutie Link to post Share on other sites
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