To Tony

[Mikey]

Hi! Hope this is short enough. I am the OW in an affair with a MM. We met in 1969, lived together 4 yrs. and have a daughter 29 yrs. old.

 

In 1973 he met and married a friend of my sister's (says it was a physical attraction). One and a half years ago we rediscovered one another and made a real love connection. He lives in Tx. and I live in FL. but we've traveled the distance to be together a few times. His is a loveless marriage (they all say that, I know) but I have inside information. They have'nt shared a bedroom for years, don't talk to one another unless they have to & in fact they are barely civil to one another.

 

He really does love me and I'd give anything to spend my life with him, but he won't leave his wife.

 

I told him last night that there's something missing in my life, & that I wanted to date in the hope of finding someone of my own to love. He was absolutely crushed. he cried, said he's hurt because he's not here to be that person, and said he understands and just wants my happiness.

 

There's no doubt in my mind that he loves me as much as he is capable of loving anyone, but why won't he leave his marriage if he's so happy with me? He says he does'nt know why he stays with her.

[Tony T]

This happens a lot. There are many possibilities. There are men who think they won't go to heaven if they get a divorce. There are men who are afraid of losing big $$$$$ if they get a divorce. A man can get ripped apart financially if he has been married a long time. There are men who stay with their wives to the sake of children and grandchildren. There are men who stay with their wives for other social or financial reasons.

 

I don't care what your inside information is or where it comes from, it could be a plant. He could very well be quite in love with his wife or bonded to her in different ways and is quite comfortable but looks for sex and the physical relief of being with a new or different person outside of his marriage. (See my post below on my theories of why people cheat on their spouses)

 

He may say he doesn't know why he stays with her but that's a lot of bull. He would have to be retarded not to know. But it doesn't make any difference anyway. He is going to stay with her, whether it's to get to heaven, because he loves her, because he's afraid of financial consequences, etc.

 

You made a serious mistake carrying on a relationship with a married man and you are paying the consequences. You don't seem to know when to call your losses. Haven't you had enough heartache nad disappointment??? You want more??? This man has told you clearly in the plainest of language he will not leave his wife.

 

There is even a very remote chance that he won't leave his wife even when he's happier with you because, even though he gave in to adultery, he still feels bound by the oath he took to God to remain with his wife until death...assuming he had a religious ceremony. There are a lot of people, most of them older, who were raised to keep their word...especially to God and to the people that depended upon it...and raised to have integrity. Although it's a rarity for people to feel they should keep their word and promises these days, both verbally and in writing, maybe this is why he is staying.

 

If you have any kind of respect for this man at all, back off and let him be. He is trying to tell you in the nicest way that he wants to remain in his marriage. What will it take you to understand that? I cannot believe you want to put yourself through more hurt.

 

I think your attempt last night to seduce him through guilt inducement probably turned him off more. He probably cried because he thought you would not be the kind of person to so aggressively attempt to break up a marriage he told you he wanted to keep.

 

You deserve to have someone who considers you special and wants to love you exclusively. I know you like challenges, that's obvious. There are lots of single, available guys who will give you a run for your money. Get out and look!