'My ex is coming over. It's none of your business'

[danm]

This is a only a new relationship (3 months).

 

My girlfriend (22) told me (26) she was generally busy on Thursday night, only to text me later that she should be straight with me. Infact, her ex boyfriend (18 month close relationship ended early this year) is going to be seeing her for the evening.

 

What do you say/do to that!?

 

She saw him for 20 minutes a few weeks ago to drop something off for her he had. Besides that, this will be only the second time shes seen him since the breakup.

 

Obviously, my radar is on red alert. I shouldn't be jealous, but I am very curious as to why an ex suddenly makes an appearance so openly and she be so blase about it.

 

I made the foolish mistake of being nosey and asking what the deal was, and why he was coming over. I used a bad line in 'its bound to raise eyebrows'. I was literally shot in the face with 'It's none of your business why'.

 

I don't control her life, she can do as she likes. But does anyone think shes being disrespectful about it not being my business (I think it is, considering I am the current boyfriend); or is she right that I am being nosey?

 

There is a very heated string of messages between us. I know they have history, and I know many things are private. But I do feel a little shat on.

 

Thoughts and opinions most appreciated, thankyou.

Edited July 26, 2012 by danm

[danm]

Shes very big on trust, being open, honest and not worrying about things.

 

But she is also calling me insecure/untrusting/needy.

 

I find that a contradiction, no? I'm meant to just accept this, out the blue, and ask no questions. I find that very odd. I asked what if I took off to visit an ex, would she not remotely wonder why!? Apparantly she wouldn't give a crap.

 

Very odd. She was golden until the moment I showed 'insecurity'.

[ja123]

I would feel insecure, too, if I were in your position.

 

It's a normal reaction to have. It's not like they're going to meet at a coffee shop, even, just to have a talk and gain some closure or something.

 

How long has she been broken up with him?

 

Are you really her boyfriend, or someone she is dating? Have you had the exclusivity talk? Do you have future plans together? Three months is still early in a relationship.

 

Apart from that, she's obviously made her mind up. It's for you to decide whether you want to be really close with her or not. It wouldn't be unexpected if you wanted to take some distance considering how you're feeling.

[Chunky]

Sounds like she's up to something. If its none of your business, take your business elsewhere. I wouldn't trust it if I were you. If nothing was going on, why the secrecy?

[danm]

@ja123 - We've had a very rapid rise relationship. We both ended long term ones half a year ago, and were both burnt by our exes who let us down.

 

Yes it is exclusive. We've been quite optimistic talking about the future already and thinking where we'd like to be in 3 months, 6 months, a years time from now.

 

@Chunky - Thats exactly how I feel - if its nothing, why not just say? Why is it none of my business? Unless it genuinely is not for me to hear...

 

It could go two ways:

 

1) I have a feeling the guy is having some personal troubles. He was quite close to her, has no real parents etc and just needs someone to talk to. Though I also see the red alert in him using that emotional card to reach for her with as the ulterior motive. Thats one spectrum.

 

2) She still has unresolved feelings and doesn't want me to see the real deal of what this meeting is about / what is to come. Maybe shes still deciding her options of rekindling with him.

 

It is still crappy for me either way. But then if it genuinely is a private thing that is to do with HIS personal life, I can see why I would be shut out.

 

Its just fishy. As its an ex, not just a friend.

[all_hail_me]

Hey danm, I got out of a long term relationship last year and when I met my new fella, he was very jealous of me asking my ex for some of my stuff back. Personally, I wouldn't even go meet my ex for coffee because it's just inappropriate. If it's a chat - why can't they email? Be careful!

[dreamingoftigers]

It absolutely is your business and she's being a total name-calling bitch about it.

 

I'd send her a map to Dumpland.

[Imajerk17]

I read your previous thread dan. Why are you still even with this girl? She has no respect for you.

[josation218]

This is a only a new relationship (3 months).

 

My girlfriend (22) told me (26) she was generally busy on Thursday night, only to text me later that she should be straight with me. Infact, her ex boyfriend (18 month close relationship ended early this year) is going to be seeing her for the evening.

 

What do you say/do to that!?

 

She saw him for 20 minutes a few weeks ago to drop something off for her he had. Besides that, this will be only the second time shes seen him since the breakup.

 

Obviously, my radar is on red alert. I shouldn't be jealous, but I am very curious as to why an ex suddenly makes an appearance so openly and she be so blase about it.

 

I made the foolish mistake of being nosey and asking what the deal was, and why he was coming over. I used a bad line in 'its bound to raise eyebrows'. I was literally shot in the face with 'It's none of your business why'.

 

I don't control her life, she can do as she likes. But does anyone think shes being disrespectful about it not being my business (I think it is, considering I am the current boyfriend); or is she right that I am being nosey?

 

There is a very heated string of messages between us. I know they have history, and I know many things are private. But I do feel a little shat on.

 

Thoughts and opinions most appreciated, thankyou.

 

Invite one of your exes to your crib!! Lets see how that makes her feel.. Now a days don't trust anyone. Not Even Your Own Shadow ..

[Jethro]

If you have a problem with it, tell her! And do something about it. On your end- not hers or his. And actually, she is right, it is none of your business "what for" but it's every bit your business that it's happening at all, so tell her you aren't ok with it and then tell her to have a good life! No woman is worth sacraficing your values and piece of mind over. NONE.

[jrh1524]

Dude, dump her ass. Wait, scratch that, don't dump her, just don't ever talk to her again and leave her wondering. I had an ex do this same exact thing to me, she was going to dinner with an ex and I told her I felt uncomfortable about it. She yelled at me and told me I shouldn't get in to her business, so I went out and banged another chick that very same night. Dump her dump her dump her.

[Leopard]

First of all, asking why you're GIRLFRIEND is meeting for an EVENING ALONE WITH HER EX is NOT nosy. That IS your business because it's a former love interest and you aren't invited.

 

I think you should break up with her. Tell her that you respect her wishes to do these things, but you think it's disrespectful on her end, and since you two don't agree on certain boundaries, the relationship won't work. Plain and simple.

 

Trust me, she will be chasing you soon after that, if not confessing the entire truth first.

 

Keep me posted on how it goes.

[jrh1524]

I'm telling you, cut off all contact and make her ass suffer. She's doing a straight up bitch thing to you. Go out, if you can, and bang another chick right away to regain your manhood.

[danm]

Fantastic replies guys, thankyou. Mega lols.

 

Its very tempting to drive over tonight, just to wait in the car park to see how long he is there for, and if they are infact where she says. Is that too creepy and scary!?

 

Its not something I'd do, but I fear she is lying to me, and I just need to get an answer to something I am otherwise not going to get. I'm told specifically not to go... kinda an incentive she has created.

 

You know, if I see them being intimate as he leaves, I know for sure and can just let it go like that. It could all be harmless still. Odds are not, but if I caught her in the act... officially game over!

[Leopard]

The solution to a problem like this isn't stalking to confirm the truth. You aren't going to fix anything by being a little b*tch and running after her when she doesn't care enough to be honest (sorry for being vulgar).

[Imajerk17]

Fantastic replies guys, thankyou. Mega lols.

 

Its very tempting to drive over tonight, just to wait in the car park to see how long he is there for, and if they are infact where she says. Is that too creepy and scary!?

 

Its not something I'd do, but I fear she is lying to me, and I just need to get an answer to something I am otherwise not going to get. I'm told specifically not to go... kinda an incentive she has created.

 

You know, if I see them being intimate as he leaves, I know for sure and can just let it go like that. It could all be harmless still. Odds are not, but if I caught her in the act... officially game over!

 

Here's what you aren't getting: She is ALREADY cheating on you by putting her relationship with this guy first, over her relationship with you. Whether they actually become intimate tonight is almost besides the point. If it doesn't happen tonight it will happen soon.

 

Don't lower yourself by stalking. You'll lose a lot of dignity in YOUR eyes. And if she catches you she will lose all respect for you. The most self-respecting thing you can do by far is to break up with her NOW.

[jrh1524]

Am I talking to myself?! I must be... If you were my friend I would punch you in the nose. You are being a complete pussy. It's obvious what you should do.

[Chunky]

She knows it bothers you but she's doing it anyways. This isn't something trivial like her taste in music bothering you, this is an ex boyfriend. If he needs someone to confide to how about going to a pastor or someone like that? Why does he have to see your girlfriend. There are other options for him and your girlfriend knows that. I'd tell her to take a long walk on a short pier.

[veggirl]

Oh gosh this girl again!

 

You need to break up with her. She has no respect for you and puts her abusive exes feelings above yours.

 

This is EXACTLY why you should not date people who are still involved with their ex. Just sayin.

 

Her response to your TOTALLY JUSTIFIED concern was very telling. She doesn't give a s.hit about you or how you feel about things and she is incapable of having an adult discussion.

 

Dump her!

[RiverRunning]

I used to be more flexible about ex stuff and tried to pretend it wouldn't bother me.

 

The only way I would EVER tolerate that kind of treatment again? If they have kids together, and their contact is relegated solely to the kids. I have seen too many exes who have kids together use that as their excuse to go into 20 minute long talks of "How are you? What are you having for dinner tonight? What are you wearing?" I kid you not. It's fine to have a little casual banter of, "How are you doing?" and then you move onto the kids. Period.

 

I would not tolerate contact with an ex in any other situation.

 

Because no one deserves to sit up at night, being told by their own significant other it's "none of their business" what they do with an ex. That's not being controlling. 99 times out of 100, especially when it's "none of your business," it's because they're cheating, thinking about cheating, or some other variation, with an ex.

 

Dump the girl. She's made her opinion of you clear, on top of all the other crap she's pulled.

[danm]

You guys really do help people see things clearer, I really appreciate the general feedback that my gut instinct was right - i do have a justified reason to be curious. She made me feel like a complete dog for pricking my ears up, accusing me of absolute insecurity and mistrust.

 

The fact she didn't acknowledge it bothered me shows a clear sign she just does not care for my feelings whatsoever. She could have laughed it off, mocked my concern and give a nudge of reassurance. Call me needy (as she did) but I think its the least she could have done.

 

I know NOTHING of this guy and his intentions. How long he's there, where, or why he's there for. Not a sausage. That's harsh.

 

She's making sarcastic small talk replies. I guess she's seen him tonight and is trying to get me to respond by making the first txt move. Something shes not done since we argued. Yes, I know I shouldn't be thinking about her, let alone txting. But I wanted the air clear, be back on speaking terms, and now ill make myself busy

 

I hate trying to always see the best in people even when I'm being taken for granted. I've invested a lot with this girl already, perhaps I'm just too hopeful i can make something of it. I guess not. If I accept her doing this already, i dread to see what's next.

 

Tine to hit pof and start chatting to the little primary teacher I discarded for this fruitloop. I wish I could multi date, I chose this one and didn't sample the other offers. What a tool!

[danm]

Update: oh how funny, as soon as I stop trying, she wants to play ball. Anyone googling and this result appears, take this situation as gospel. Being nice doesn't win. You HAVE to cut ur emotions and desire for her and freedive into the unknown risk or cold rejecting her. She expected me to react. I made small talk about the olympic ceremony. The big screens showing it in the local park. How excited i am. I'm going with my (hot) cousins, gonna be great!

 

Didn't ask her. Didn't invite her. Won't invite her either.

 

This is the first time I've felt in control of my desires of this relationship, and all i did was....nothing. I acted cold, and now she's chasing ME. insane.

 

And a few hours ago I was merely a puppet to her. Decision is do I want her or not?

 

I think I still do :/

[Chunky]

Just do yourself a favor and take it slow. If you do stay with her she needs to understand just exactly what you'll tolerate from her and what you won't. I'm hoping for you!

[SilentVoice]

into the unknown risk or cold rejecting her. She expected me to react. I made small talk about the olympic ceremony. The big screens showing it in the local park. How excited i am. I'm going with my (hot) cousins, gonna be great!

 

Didn't ask her. Didn't invite her. Won't invite her either.

 

This is the first time I've felt in

@Bolded

 

Is that suppose to make her jealous?

[Kofybean]

This is a only a new relationship (3 months).

 

My girlfriend (22) told me (26) she was generally busy on Thursday night, only to text me later that she should be straight with me. Infact, her ex boyfriend (18 month close relationship ended early this year) is going to be seeing her for the evening.

 

What do you say/do to that!?

 

She saw him for 20 minutes a few weeks ago to drop something off for her he had. Besides that, this will be only the second time shes seen him since the breakup.

 

Obviously, my radar is on red alert. I shouldn't be jealous, but I am very curious as to why an ex suddenly makes an appearance so openly and she be so blase about it.

 

I made the foolish mistake of being nosey and asking what the deal was, and why he was coming over. I used a bad line in 'its bound to raise eyebrows'. I was literally shot in the face with 'It's none of your business why'.

 

I don't control her life, she can do as she likes. But does anyone think shes being disrespectful about it not being my business (I think it is, considering I am the current boyfriend); or is she right that I am being nosey?

 

There is a very heated string of messages between us. I know they have history, and I know many things are private. But I do feel a little shat on.

 

Thoughts and opinions most appreciated, thankyou.

 

Did you actually read what you wrote? My god.

Tell her you will fkn break her jaw, and run over her ex boyfriend with HER car if she sees him again. If she doesn't fully agree without question and when she tries to call you out, kick her out, and delete her number from your phone. Donate her stuff to goodwill.

 

Her inability to control you will drive her mad, plus cause her years of grief and therapy as she tries to get back with her exbf out of spite, but it will never work, and as she tries to get back at you but can't cuz you are already dating someone even hotter.

 

btw... i'm dead serious.