'My ex is coming over. It's none of your business'

[darkmoon]

it is your business, yes, keep her guessing as you lately posted, i a woman agree with the men, date elsewhere, much more fun

[veggirl]

Update: oh how funny, as soon as I stop trying, she wants to play ball. Anyone googling and this result appears, take this situation as gospel. Being nice doesn't win. You HAVE to cut ur emotions and desire for her and freedive into the unknown risk or cold rejecting her. She expected me to react. I made small talk about the olympic ceremony. The big screens showing it in the local park. How excited i am. I'm going with my (hot) cousins, gonna be great!

 

Didn't ask her. Didn't invite her. Won't invite her either.

 

This is the first time I've felt in control of my desires of this relationship, and all i did was....nothing. I acted cold, and now she's chasing ME. insane.

 

And a few hours ago I was merely a puppet to her. Decision is do I want her or not?

 

I think I still do :/

 

Why are you bothering with these games?

 

You are entering into a sick cycle and for what?

 

Either ACCEPT her and her relationship with her ex. Accept that she is not over him and he is a part of her life. Or BREAK UP.

 

This inbetween s.hit is stupid.

 

Why can't you guys have a mature discussion about this?

[Peter Attis]

Did you actually read what you wrote? My god.

Tell her you will fkn break her jaw, and run over her ex boyfriend with HER car if she sees him again. If she doesn't fully agree without question and when she tries to call you out, kick her out, and delete her number from your phone. Donate her stuff to goodwill.

 

Her inability to control you will drive her mad, plus cause her years of grief and therapy as she tries to get back with her exbf out of spite, but it will never work, and as she tries to get back at you but can't cuz you are already dating someone even hotter.

 

btw... i'm dead serious.

 

Don't... don't do that. Don't do any of this.

[The Way I Am]

This is the first time I've felt in control of my desires of this relationship, and all i did was....nothing. I acted cold, and now she's chasing ME. insane.

 

And a few hours ago I was merely a puppet to her. Decision is do I want her or not?

 

I think I still do :/

 

So you like this game? You like a girl you have to treat like sh*t to get to pay attention to you? You like how you feel right now? You like wondering if your GF is banging her ex or not, because it's "none of your business" that she's seeing him? If that's how you want to spend your life then then by all means stay with her.

 

If you want somebody who respects your feelings and makes you actually feel loved, dump her ass.

Edited July 27, 2012 by The Way I Am

[dreamingoftigers]

Did you actually read what you wrote? My god.

Tell her you will fkn break her jaw, and run over her ex boyfriend with HER car if she sees him again. If she doesn't fully agree without question and when she tries to call you out, kick her out, and delete her number from your phone. Donate her stuff to goodwill.

 

Her inability to control you will drive her mad, plus cause her years of grief and therapy as she tries to get back with her exbf out of spite, but it will never work, and as she tries to get back at you but can't cuz you are already dating someone even hotter.

 

btw... i'm dead serious.

 

Unless you want go to jail, don't do this.

[danm]

I like to update things, makes for an interesting read sometimes when I look back and piece puzzles together.

 

She had dinner with the ex on Wednesday night. In addition to seeing him the week before. So yes, the intensity of the 'one off visits' is definitely not to be brushed away.

 

I found out that she needs someone to look after her (rather high maintenance) cats with medical needs whilst she is away for a long weekend mini break with her dad in late August. The cats they had when her and her ex lived together. Who else better to ask than... him! Yeah, I don't like the sound of that either, but realistically, he probably is the only person around who could without cost.

 

It's all good telling me to man up and grow a pair and to just walk away. But I am a big believer in giving people a fair chance. I've had plenty of experience with an ex jumping to conclusions on me at the most innocent of things to know I'd hate to treat someone else the same. So yes, I am taking it all in for the moment.

 

I have let her have 'her way' to catch up/see him. She has been brutally honest about every time she has seen him with me. Never hides her phone. Replies to messages to anyone and everyone in front of me. Even read out/said things he has sometimes sent. She has told me there is no romantic interest and that there is only me. Yes, it could be words versus actions. But I am a believer.

 

I think it is now the right time, especially after the dinner they shared, to make my feelings known that I disapprove of further moments like that though. I could have gone bat **** crazy right away, but that would only have pushed her to him.

 

She can't accuse me of controlling her as much as if I'd have made requests right away. Maybe I can allow her to feel a little guilty, so the mindset is to make it up to me?

 

She has apologised and said she feels guilty about having the dinner. Whether thats a cover up to more? All you skeptics would say so...

[Emilia]

It's all good telling me to man up and grow a pair and to just walk away. But I am a big believer in giving people a fair chance.

 

Nah, excuses

 

I've had plenty of experience with an ex jumping to conclusions on me at the most innocent of things to know I'd hate to treat someone else the same.

 

Like hanging out with a former married boss you had gone down on like your girlfriend is going to do this weekend?

 

I have let her have 'her way' to catch up/see him.

 

Erm, you had no say in the matter.

 

She has been brutally honest about every time she has seen him with me. Never hides her phone. Replies to messages to anyone and everyone in front of me. Even read out/said things he has sometimes sent.

 

She has zero respect for you. Very sad to see

[ChatroomHero]

If you are ok with her sleeping with her ex occassionally then have at it. You say she is being brutally honest with you about everything, but you really have no idea. Do you really think if they had a quickie in the car after dinner she would have told you, or would she have just told you everything but? It's easy to look like you are being brutally honest yet leaving out key details.

 

If it was really just you as she said, then it would be just you. But it's not, it's you and her and her ex. Let me ask you this, when you guys fight or argue about something, who do you know she going to turn to?

 

Get out. She has not closed the door on her ex and if she ever did get back with him, you would be the last guy to know and you would find out through a slow painful distancing process on her end.

[danm]

But can ex's not simply build bridges to just form a friendship? And JUST that?

 

My girlfriend has had a very ****ty, crappy upbringing and life. Many tragic things have happened to her most recent past, and despite the sadness she has always asked me what the point in being unhappy with people is.

 

She said she cant change the past. Being angry or upset doesn't do anything. So just get on.

 

She questioned why I would be so angry at my ex still, and that the only reason I'd feel so frustrated could be because I had unresolved things with her in my head.

 

Kinda made sense. If everything is burnt out, you wouldn't harbour unresolved feelings. You wouldn't hold so much hate. You'd be so 'over it' to either not care; or to be mature and see past it and get on.

 

I know I am very immature how I react and behave. But I honestly think she has a very valid point in that people, ex's, simply CAN just hang out on occasion because there is a friendship behind most intimate relationships.

 

If you spend time with someone is is hard to just wipe that. And being mature about things when they do end is accepting what was wrong and learning to move on past it.

 

I can see how my 'insecurity' at the situation versus her outlook would cause us to row. Yes, she should not just 'expect' me to understand the situation and welcome it. But in her eyes, she has wasted enough time fighting and that it is what is is at face value.

 

A friendship.

[Emilia]

I know I am very immature how I react and behave. But I honestly think she has a very valid point in that people, ex's, simply CAN just hang out on occasion because there is a friendship behind most intimate relationships.

 

 

They can and I do. I didn't base my post on the fact that she keeps in touch with her ex (I do too although in a different way), it's all the other trashy stuff like getting men to buy drinks for her, hanging out with her former married boss she blew before, etc.

 

You also mention she comes from a c***py family.... You will get burned

[HumptyDumpty]

Ok, your update makes everything seem clearer.

She's not hiding her messages, seeing him etc. This is just fair!

It can happen you can be really good friends with an ex without sleeping with him! The only prob is that you never know when you're dating, that you're not meant to be but that you are better friends. You only get this after a break-up and well, too late, you've seen your "friend" already naked.

It's a trust thing, she likes running to her ex since well, she knows him better and longer than you! But I understand your point here, I'd get jealous probably if my bf would keep in regular contact with his ex... Nothing you can do about, however how about talking about it? What does she get from her ex that you can't offer for example? Since my fear would be that she gets back with him if she still has feelings (or they came back) and if he's still single! If she doesn't, there's no worries...

 

Otherwise, be there when they meet up somewhere, like a restaurant, in order to meet him? So you can make your own opinion about it, after all it's purely friendly nope?

[danm]

The trouble I have is that she has known the ex for a lot longer than me. As much as I am the guy in her life right now, and not him, at what point would it be acceptable to start questioning his re-involvement as a friend!? Remember since the split in January, they've only talked through loose texts/possibly calls up until the last month when he popped over to say hello and drop a cheque off for money he owed her.

 

We have been together just over 3 months. Its very early.

 

I am not one to call shots. I don't own or have any right to tell her what to do. But I know enough that it bothers me him just turning up after burning her so much when they were together.

 

They have a longer friendship, so telling her to stay away will serve to make me look immature, insecure and stupid.

 

And is it not too soon to suggest that I join them next time they meet? They've only just started being friends again, perhaps three meets, it could be intrusive.

 

Then again, this is intrusive of our relationship.

 

Its difficult. I don't want them to keep having private meetings without me - especially a dinner. I mean, to me, that is a date. I went out for drinks and dinner the night after with her. So she had in effect two dates. One with the ex, one with me. Both the same. Except she stayed out with him longer than she stayed out with me. On a weeknight. When she is usually pretty strict on getting to bed at the same time.

 

Maybe find out when they next plan to meet, and what it involves. I think its just too early to play tag along. What the heck do I do? Without sounding like a dijck...

[GorillaTheater]

The trouble I have is that she has known the ex for a lot longer than me. As much as I am the guy in her life right now, and not him, at what point would it be acceptable to start questioning his re-involvement as a friend!? Remember since the split in January, they've only talked through loose texts/possibly calls up until the last month when he popped over to say hello and drop a cheque off for money he owed her.

 

We have only been together 4 months. Its very early.

 

I am not one to call shots. I don't own or have any right to tell her what to do. But I know enough that it bothers me him just turning up after burning her so much when they were together.

 

They have a longer friendship, so telling her to stay away will serve to make me look immature, insecure and stupid.

 

And is it not too soon to suggest that I join them next time they meet? They've only just started being friends again, perhaps three meets, it could be intrusive.

 

Then again, this is intrusive of our relationship.

 

Its difficult. I don't want them to keep having private meetings without me - especially a dinner. I mean, to me, that is a date. I went out for drinks and dinner the night after with her. So she had in effect two dates. One with the ex, one with me. Both the same. Except she stayed out with him longer than she stayed out with me. On a weeknight. When she is usually pretty strict on getting to bed at the same time.

 

Maybe find out when they next plan to meet, and what it involves. I think its just too early to play tag along. What the heck do I do? Without sounding like a dijck...

 

I think you're too worried about sounding like a dijck.

 

No, you can't tell her what to do, you can't control what she does or who she sees. The only one you can control is yourself.

 

You need to give some thought to where your boundaries are. Once you do, enforce them like a mad bastard. Now, you may be okay with your gf seeing her ex. If so, it's your life and more power to you. If not, you tell her that you're not okay with it. Don't tell her not to see him, tell her that seeing him doesn't work for you, and if she continues to do so, that you're moving on.

[jrh1524]

Dude, you are being a huge pussy. Where are you friends, they should beat the **** out of you for being such a pussy. Dump that bitch. Man up. Where's your testoterone?!

[veggirl]

you are soooo whipped. It's really sad.

 

May I ask how old you are? You must be very young.

 

But can ex's not simply build bridges to just form a friendship? And JUST that?

 

I guess they can. IF the ex was not abusive. IF they have had considerable time apart to heel. IF there are no feelings on either side.

 

Do any of those apply in this situation?

 

He was abusive. They have not been apart. There are clearly feelings, that's why they go on dates. So no, in this situation a "friendship" with the ex is not appropriate or healthy.

 

My girlfriend has had a very ****ty, crappy upbringing and life. Many tragic things have happened to her most recent past, and despite the sadness she has always asked me what the point in being unhappy with people is.

 

You can leave someone on good terms and not hold grudges. Lots of people do that.

 

I don't have grudges towards my exes, but I surely don't hang out with them as friends. Esp cause my BOYFRIEND would be uncomfortable with it. And for me, his feelings come first.

 

I know I am very immature how I react and behave. But I honestly think she has a very valid point in that people, ex's, simply CAN just hang out on occasion because there is a friendship behind most intimate relationships.

 

Friendship behind abuse?

 

Your girl is friends with the guy that you told us abused her.

 

That is sick and twisted.

 

 

I can see how my 'insecurity' at the situation versus her outlook would cause us to row. Yes, she should not just 'expect' me to understand the situation and welcome it. But in her eyes, she has wasted enough time fighting and that it is what is is at face value.

 

You aren't insecure without reason. She has you sooo manipulated now though that you are blaming yourself for the s.hit she does. lol damn dude. This is really sad.

 

It's like talking to a brick wall.

 

Mark my words, she will break your heart.

[darkmoon]

offer to look after the cat; see what she says

[danm]

I am 26, for the record.

 

Ultimately, I have been told to stay with her, I must be able to be okay with her seeing her ex as he is a friend. And that is that.

 

Her cards openly on the table with what she would like. Him as a friend. To see him. As a friend.

 

I am ok with that. But not frequently. And not dinners.

 

Raising the issue last time (when she'd just seen him for the first time) I was perhaps in no position to make such calls, and she was annoyed that I didn't approve of it. To be fair, it wasn't in my power to demand anything really. So I have given it a few meetings. Hopefully, they have sorted their issues.

 

But like a colleague said, why not over a coffee? Just a drink? A pub? Why dinner? I don't even know if it was a restaurant or a pub dinner.

 

I perhaps should have made it a little less vague earlier with regards to the 'abuse' she suffered from him. It may be an an excessive word. He was never sexually interested so much in her, almost the opposite, boring you could say. But there was an occasion he 'turned' and forced himself upon her that left her a bit shook up towards the end of things.

 

It wasn't the defining factor though of why they separated. He cheated, she found condoms in their bin and brown hairs on her pillow and he was always secretly texting someone. She never confronted him directly about it, and let it go before the relationship just fizzled. They shared a flat and says they coldly shared a bed for a few weeks even when they'd separated, and that it was just sad for her.

 

I am guessing (and how do I ever know, I can't exactly ask why) that the lack of a massive explosive end (like my relationship) had no closure we all seek. No defining moment of 'boom, its really over'. So perhaps thats what this is all about, as you all suggest. They fizzled, still were in the same house, cold to eachother, and just didnt see eachother for 6 months.

 

She says there is no interest, and just me. But I think between them they need to build the bridges and solidify that ending.

 

But he did put her down a lot, verbally abusing and taunting her looks/weight and generally taking her for granted and she says she would never go back to that sort of situation.

 

Its always the way though, isnt it? She tried so hard and did everything for him, and he shoved it in her face.

 

Now she meets a guy in me who would happily treat her like shes the only one in the world that matters, and she doesn't take the attention or affection so well. Its alien to her.

 

Its like all the crap guys shes had, shes used to being trod on. She wants to be the victim to the bad ones and play mrs right.

 

It sucks. My heart really is gonna get broken.

 

Perhaps I should get back in touch with the occupational therapist who was interested and take her on a date. We could go to dinner!

[GorillaTheater]

Perhaps I should get back in touch with the occupational therapist who was interested and take her on a date. We could go to dinner!

 

Sounds like a good plan. It'll remind you that there is a true abundance of women out there, a good portion of whom you'll be more likely to be on the same page with than your current gf.

 

After all, it's just dinner, right?

[danm]

Sadly I cant look after the cats, I'd have offered and I'd probably have been allowed had I not been where I am in my parents house temporarily.

 

I still have my own house bought with my ex, but id have to move back in with her with the cats. Not very appropriate, and utterly hypocritical of the whole situation really.

 

A shame!

 

I almost wonder if because I am still tied to my ex girlfriend by having to decorate the house to sell it with her, that she is using that as an excuse to make seeing HER ex acceptable.

 

I don't choose to see mine. I HAVE to, to get the house sold.

 

Big difference, by the principal is the same, I guess.

 

So friggen hard to work this out.

[morichu]

Dude, you're letting this girl push you around. I'd have given her the auto-dump a long time ago.

 

Any girl that wants to be shady with exes isn't worth a second of my time.

[maxy1]

I really hate to burst your bubble man but I think the skeptics have a great point here. She is not being respectful and giving you her all. I would also just stop talking to her. Give it some time. You know why pof is called pof? Because there are plenty of fish out there! get back out there my man. That will make you feel much better.

[sally4sara]

I think its good that you're looking at things from all sides and not immediately resorting to game playing. This isn't a clear cut situation as far as right or wrong behavior. I do believe exes can be friends and also friends to their exes new partners - thats a big one. Can you and this guy be friends? Can she present your new relationship in a way that fosters respect from him to you?

 

But above and beyond all the possibilities and unknowns, be true to yourself. Her "you can't tell me what to do its not your business" attitude is a real warning sign. Relationships take compromise and there isn't much room for compromise in that mindset. True, this is new and one shouldn't foist over control of their life so easily but it is clear she isn't terribly resolved about her and her exes break up.

 

If you find yourself feeling disregarded by her tell her so. If she doesn't correct it - whether she cheated or lied or not - the relationship isn't a good fit for you. Cheating and lying are not the only ways for a relationship to need to end. A person can be completely faithful and truthful and still eat at your self esteem and sanity.

[ChatroomHero]

You seem to try to give her the benefit of the doubt saying she has gone through bad things recently, from everything you have posted she was probably the cause of most of it, not an innocent victim looking to be happy with a nice guy. What in her history makes you think you would ever work out?

 

Here you are trying to be with her and SHE is deciding to see her ex AND stays out later with him. That is her bad decision that is killing your relationship, give blame where blame is due, her. When she sleeps with him and then realizes it was a bad mistake she will blame the ex for her decision. If I am with someone I love and out on a weeknight and leave early I sure as hell would not be staying out later with an ex I was supposedly not in love with.

 

Her going on a date with her ex, without you, is totally unacceptible. You making excuses for her thinking she is some angel that just needs you to show her the light to the path of happiness is even worse.

 

Relationships are not hard. Shjtty relationships are hard because the hardest part is admitting to yourself that you fell victim to one and the longer you go the more you'll think you are invested.

 

It's like gambling, you can lose 40 straight hands and you always feel like winning is just around the corner. The right move is to walk away when you lost $2,000 instead of $20,000 but you have to be smart enough to see it and accept it before you lose $20,000. This chick is a bad gamble and you know it.

[ChatroomHero]

Speaking of gambling, I bet the reason her last relationship didn't work out was because she behaved the same way with her ex and he got sick of it. Don't take her word for it that he was the problem. If you compare notes with her ex I bet the would be remarkably similar.

[ChatroomHero]

If you find yourself feeling disregarded by her tell her so. If she doesn't correct it - whether she cheated or lied or not - the relationship isn't a good fit for you.

 

From what he wrote, he did, she didn't.