'My ex is coming over. It's none of your business'

[danm]

Hi guys - an update and a real eye opener.

 

Despite being pretty much unanimously told to run away, ditch her, prepare to be burnt, I think my patience and open mind has answered a LOT of my curiosity and left me having made the right decision to stay with her.

 

She is most definitely not cheating on me. Quite the opposite. Despite being harsh on me, I won't deny that, the private 'none of my business' matter has a reasoning.

 

A deep and bitter feud has been going on with my girlfriend and her mum that I was entirely unaware of. They are at loggerheads because my girlfriend severely disapproves of her mums ways of dating multiple men and cheating/playing them off. On top of that, she never asks how she is doing or pays interest in her life, even when she was involved in a major accident, nothing was asked if she was ok or not. This is her own mum! It really gets to her.

 

My gf's pets needed to stay with someone whilst she goes on holiday with her dad for a long weekend, and her (separated) mother was the clear first choice to look after them as has happened in the past. But because of the feud, her mum is ignoring her entirely and rejecting all contact she tries to make. This has been going on for almost 2 months now.

 

My girlfriend sat down with me and has clearly been hiding how much it was upsetting her for her mum to be so cold. I really had no idea.

 

I also noticed the day before all of this that from a glance her email inbox showed news announcements from a socialising friend website. A quick google search cropped up and I found her on there. She's been looking for friends long before I entered her life as she was very depressed at losing most of hers when she changed location. It was quite sad to read that she's been in a very lonely place.

 

Her ex boyfriend was quite literally one of the few people in her life, and when he left, she really did have next to nobody around her. He was regrettably the only realistic person left she could ask to look after her cats without putting them in a cattery.

 

She said it was the worst scenario for her. She really doesn't like him for what happened in their relationship (she walked out on him) but needs his help. He was rotten to her, and after all the things she has helped him with after the breakup with keeping his car on her payment plan, the least he could do was to help her out just once. And she hates asking for help. She'd rather suffer and not go on holiday than ask. She's that sort of girl.

 

She was embarrassed at having to do it, but it had to be done. The reason it was 'none of my business' was because she didn't want me to know she was clutching straws and having to ask an ex for a favor. She said it looked pathetic. The reason they went to dinner!? A gesture of goodwill to say thanks for helping out. To finalise their car payment issues. Tie up loose ends. Literally, just that. To butter him up in effect.

 

My panicking and over analysing of the situation and the way I perhaps told it tainted the story I think. It made it easy for you guys to be on my side of suspecting her doing the worst.

 

You might still think I am wrong, but I stuck to my open mind and more has come to light.

 

This girl has a good heart. She means well. I've put my faith in her without jumping too hard when I could/should have if I was someone else. But I'm not.

 

I know a lot of you will stick with your original instinct, but in my position and what I have seen and heard, it's a lot sadder and deeper than the surface shows.

 

If anyone ever does read this, please never jump to conclusions on first instinct. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. Everyone is very much innocent until solid evidence proves otherwise.

 

I'll keep this updated, if ever I am to be wrong.

 

I adore this girl to pieces.

[Imajerk17]

Oh phew. Keep an open mind. If the next girl I date keeps letting me take her out to dinner but won't sleep with me, I'll consider the possibility that she leads a double life a la Jennifer Garner's character in alias. That's GOT to be the reason....

 

I'm not seeing why you couldn't watch the cats instead.

Edited August 13, 2012 by Imajerk17

[danm]

I simply can't. I own/currently selling a house I still own with my ex girlfriend which I do not live in. They can't go there.

 

I'm currently back living with my parents, and they have outdoor cats and doors always open. They can't go there either.

 

My girlfriends cats are indoor cats, and their garden is sealed so when they do go out they can't escape too far. This limits even further people who could take them especially in summer. Who wants to keep windows and doors open!?

 

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

[Imajerk17]

You couldn't have gone over to her place a few times a day and given them water, food, and cleaned out their litter box, and then played with them for a bit? Cats are fairly low-maintenance you know.

 

The point of my snarky post before is that things still don't seem to add up. Her story might sound convincing and realistic given her situation, but she had a few weeks to devise it.

Edited August 13, 2012 by Imajerk17

[Quiet Storm]

Remember that her mother was her model of what a woman should be.

 

Many troubled women hate their mothers but end up with similar qualities because that is all they know. If she saw her mother lie and sneak around with multiple men, that was normal for her. She may logically know it's wrong, but her "default" (the moral & values that most of us fall back on in times of stress or crisis) is messed up.

 

People can and do overcome family of origin issues, but it often takes therapy and self introspection. Her behavior tells me that she is still very much affected by, and her behavior reflects, her family of origin issues. She has very poor boundaries, which is very common among those from dysfunctional families.

 

I would not be surprised if you find out that nearly everything she has told you is a lie. She has issues, and I know that you think you will be appreciated for being her stable source of comfort. You, like many men before you, must learn the hard way.

 

She has given you clues as to what type of person she is, but you aren't paying attention. Her difficult life has made you sympathetic to her plight, and you want to comfort her. Her family issues provide a perfect rationalization in your mind for why she is the way she is. You make excuses for her, it's not her fault, it's not her character...she's just confused and depressed and was abused and her mom was mean to her. But she really has a good heart.

 

You can find dozens of valid explanations for why she is the way she is...but that doesn't make her a good partner for you. The same way a drug addict would not make a good partner, regardless of the rough road that led them down that path. You can sympathize from afar, without volunteering to be a part of their life.

 

Many children that grew up with abusive, neglectful or mean parents develop unhealthy ways to cope with their situation. They learn to shut their feelings off. It's the only way their immature minds can cope with the mistreatment and it serves its purpose at the time, protection.

 

However, these unhealthy coping mechanisms become so engrained that they become automatic. It hardens their heart and emotions, and they often use and hurt others because they are so disconnected. It is easy for them to just switch to "not care" mode and become totally detached. They don't even realize they are doing it. It makes it really easy for them to lie, cheat and sneak around...and then be genuinely shocked when you have an issue with their behavior. It's easy for them to make you feel like the bad guy.

 

I think this is going to end badly, but you have chosen your path. Please keep your eyes and ears open...do not ignore reality because you don't want it to be true. Hold her accountable for bad behavior, don't let it slide because she's "troubled". Pay attention to what she does, not what she says. You deserve an honest, emotionally healthy, committed partner.

[Art_Critic]

They are so going to see if they want to get back together...

 

Even if they don't you are still left with the disrespect of how she treated your relationship

She put the ex first...

Honestly.. it might be time to kick her to the curb.. there will be other "it's none of your business" with her in the future till she wides up dumping you for another guy.

[ChatroomHero]

My ex fiancee had an ex bf that supposedly beat her, she almost lost her kids over it. She had multiple restraining orders, said she "feared for her life" around him.

 

She behaved the same way, very reassuring, supposedly kept things to herself to "protect me" from her harsh situation that, and I quote, "embarrassed her" and said she didn't want to involve me. She was in a major feud with her mother (over her ex). Guess who she is back with and reformed a relationship with right around the time we got engaged? Her ex that she was so afraid of.

 

The fact of the matter is her telling you this now seems more like an excuse, I am biased from personal experience, but I read your previous posts and where there is smoke there is fire and you clearly indicated you smelled smoke in your relationship, now I think you are ignoring your gut and looking back with rose colored glasses because she pacified you for a bit.

 

My gut told me all along things were weird. She would rely on me for some things and hide others. When I found out about things she hid from me it was always the same long winded story about her mom, her ex, how she tried to keep things to herself (incredibly important things you should not to hide in a relationship), and her excuses always made her sound like a poor victim trying to be a silent hero and not "bother" me with details of her life. I always felt she was kindhearted, sincere, nice...and never could have the heart to deceive me like she did.

 

Issue 1:

Honestly you can leave cats alone for a couple of days with food and extra water. I don't buy that if she had asked you, "Danm, I have nobody to look after my cats, can you make a trip to check on them every other day and just give them food and water?" that you wouldn't have found a way...on a long weekend you might have to make maybe 2 trips.

 

Issue 2:

Her ex she doesn't care much for takes care of her cats and a private dinner is how she repays him? In order to use it as a guise to discuss the car? Then why not a lunch? AND why would they stay out that late on a work night when she won't stay out with you that late? (Even if it is as you say, "Buttering him up" you need to realize it is leading him on.)

 

Issue 3:

"She'd rather suffer and not go on holiday than ask. She's that sort of girl."

She went on vacation and asked her ex to watch her cats. She is not that type of girl apparently.

 

Issue 4:

"The reason it was 'none of my business' was because she didn't want me to know she was clutching straws and having to ask an ex for a favor. She said it looked pathetic."

Do you really buy this? I mean seriously, you have a gf that is afraid to be upfront and say something as minor as, "Danm, I love you. You can't take care of my cats and I hate that I have to do this but I need to see my ex and ask him a favor, I have no choice" in the beginning? Instead she told you it was none of your business. Is that really acceptible reasoning to you in a relationship? If she can't say something as simple as that what can she tell you truthfully about her past?

 

Issue 6:

"My panicking and over analysing of the situation and the way I perhaps told it tainted the story I think. It made it easy for you guys to be on my side of suspecting her doing the worst."

Perhaps you loving her has made her reasoning easier to accept than if you were objective. I think you are just as likely tainting it now.

 

(On a side note, I could be 100% wrong, but I thought I read somewhere that she had dinner with him more than once since you two were together? Hopefully I am wrong but this would make the "cat" reasoning "fishy" to me.)

 

I wish you luck buddy, I really do. I hope I am wrong for your sake.

 

Give it a go, and good luck.

[NoMagicBullet]

I was wondering why she didn't just tell you what was going on, but in your OP, you say it's a new relationship, so I get that she didn't want to share the mama drama with you just yet. I'm still confused why she didn't ask you to care for the cats or you couldn't -- maybe I missed that part. Still, telling you it's none of your business is really harsh and not conducive to a good relationship.

 

Hopefully both of you will be able to further open up to each other, tell each other the important things, and be able to trust and rely on one another. Good luck to you both.

Edited August 13, 2012 by NoMagicBullet
spelling

[The Way I Am]

For the record, I've never thought for sure she was cheating on you. My response wasn't based on the assumption that she was cheating but on the way she made you feel with her reaction to your concerns. She wasn't respectful of you and your feelings, which caused you to wonder if she was cheating on you. She told you "it's none of your business" and went to dinner with her ex, leaving you wondering what was happening between them. It doesn't matter if you were right or wrong. The fact that she didn't care how you felt about it is a warning sign. She may have her reasons, but her behavior was not considerate of you, and it's not how to have a loving relationship.

 

Her situation does sound unfortunate, but it's not a good reason to stay with her. If anything, it's another reason to be careful. She doesn't sound ready to be in a relationship. She's got too many issues to deal with on her own before she can offer you the relationship you deserve.

 

I feel really bad for you, because you seem like you have a good heart. It's unfortunate that this girl is going to break it. I just hope you won't decide all women are evil after choosing to ignore this one's warning signs. It'll be a shame to see you join the legion of bitter, damaged guys here at LS when you could have avoided the heartbreak by trusting your instincts and standing up for yourself.

 

Good luck.

[danm]

The final update of this saga - a conclusion!

 

I ended it

 

It turns out she didn't actually go on that 'dinner date' with the ex. Allegedly I misheard it (hmmm!?) and it was her ex's sister, who is a close friend. Mega hmmm! But thats done and dusted.

 

It's fair to say I was pretty damn patient, and I gave her the benefit of the doubt big time, but all in all I lost my patience at long last and saw the light.

 

Sure, nothing is certain but I am sure she didn't cheat. She's very blunt and direct (with the exceptions I noted, ironically) and just a tortured soul with a slightly cold heart from her past. Sadly, I don't think she was ready to be with me, and was too hesitant and (selfish!?) to commit fully into what I was hoping for. A real shame, as behind all this facade she is still a lovely girl.

 

I simply told her I found her lack of affection to me was not what I am seeking. I want someone to act like they want me, and that I felt used by the way I always did the chasing to see her and helping her do things for her on my weekends. She had the cheek to tell me I wasn't spending much time with her, when I was. The fact she suddenly never kissed or greeted me with a simple hug when saying Hi and Bye was the icing on the cake. The sex stopping temporarily, yeah, I accept the circumstances of location, but besides that who acts so cold? She just lost interest.

 

Her reaction was 'Ok, whatever'. Sure made it easier for me!

 

Silly girl. Silly me.

 

I tell you what though, nothing makes a breakup more easier with a smile knowing you already have a fresh date lined up. Especially when the ex turns and trys to jokingly suggest 'good luck, im sure u'll be dating again and replace me in no time'. Even more so when she questions who I'd been on the phone to when she tried to call; or who the text was from that went off when I popped to say my goodbyes.

 

LOL. Yeah, something like that.

Edited September 13, 2012 by danm

[Coil]

The final update of this saga - a conclusion!

 

I ended it

 

It turns out she didn't actually go on that 'dinner date' with the ex. Allegedly I misheard it (hmmm!?) and it was her ex's sister, who is a close friend. Mega hmmm! But thats done and dusted.

 

It's fair to say I was pretty damn patient, and I gave her the benefit of the doubt big time, but all in all I lost my patience at long last and saw the light.

 

Sure, nothing is certain but I am sure she didn't cheat. She's very blunt and direct (with the exceptions I noted, ironically) and just a tortured soul with a slightly cold heart from her past. Sadly, I don't think she was ready to be with me, and was too hesitant and (selfish!?) to commit fully into what I was hoping for. A real shame, as behind all this facade she is still a lovely girl.

 

I simply told her I found her lack of affection to me was not what I am seeking. I want someone to act like they want me, and that I felt used by the way I always did the chasing to see her and helping her do things for her on my weekends. She had the cheek to tell me I wasn't spending much time with her, when I was. The fact she suddenly never kissed or greeted me with a simple hug when saying Hi and Bye was the icing on the cake. The sex stopping temporarily, yeah, I accept the circumstances of location, but besides that who acts so cold? She just lost interest.

 

Her reaction was 'Ok, whatever'. Sure made it easier for me!

 

Silly girl. Silly me.

 

I tell you what though, nothing makes a breakup more easier with a smile knowing you already have a fresh date lined up. Especially when the ex turns and trys to jokingly suggest 'good luck, im sure u'll be dating again and replace me in no time'. Even more so when she questions who I'd been on the phone to when she tried to call; or who the text was from that went off when I popped to say my goodbyes.

 

LOL. Yeah, something like that.

I recommend that next time you heed the valuable advice here on the forums. I enjoyed this post and all of the opinions. You deserve credit for giving the "relationship" such a chance, but I think that you overkilled it. You do come off as a stage 5 clinger though. I would not have put up with such disrespect and flakiness on her part for so long.

 

I hope that you can better set boundaries and stick to them in your future relationships. Respect YOURSELF and better luck next time!

[NoMoreJerks]

This is a only a new relationship (3 months).

 

My girlfriend (22) told me (26) she was generally busy on Thursday night, only to text me later that she should be straight with me. Infact, her ex boyfriend (18 month close relationship ended early this year) is going to be seeing her for the evening.

 

What do you say/do to that!?

 

She saw him for 20 minutes a few weeks ago to drop something off for her he had. Besides that, this will be only the second time shes seen him since the breakup.

 

Obviously, my radar is on red alert. I shouldn't be jealous, but I am very curious as to why an ex suddenly makes an appearance so openly and she be so blase about it.

 

I made the foolish mistake of being nosey and asking what the deal was, and why he was coming over. I used a bad line in 'its bound to raise eyebrows'. I was literally shot in the face with 'It's none of your business why'.

 

I don't control her life, she can do as she likes. But does anyone think shes being disrespectful about it not being my business (I think it is, considering I am the current boyfriend); or is she right that I am being nosey?

 

There is a very heated string of messages between us. I know they have history, and I know many things are private. But I do feel a little shat on.

 

Thoughts and opinions most appreciated, thankyou.

Seriously? None of your business why? Why is that? Is she maybe thinking of your relationship with her as a FWB arrangement? Maybe. In which case, you are better off leaving her to tend to her business. There might not be anything sinister/sexual behind her seeing her ex, but the fact of the matter is, if you two are in a relationship, it IS your business. Maybe not everything is, but important stuff like this, stuff that concerns you, worries you, etc., IS your business. I say her response raises some red flags, not regarding what her intentions are with regards to her ex, but red flags in the sense that she might not be as committed as you think she is.

 

Edit: Oops, just read the last few posts, and saw that you've already broken up with her. Sorry to hear that, but she might not have been a good person to be with anyway, judging by her reaction.

Edited September 13, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[veggirl]

Hope you learned something OP. You need to solidify your boundaries, this girl was always walking all over you. Go no contact and do not respond if she contacts you.

[The Way I Am]

clap

.

.

.

.

clap

.

.

.

clap

.

.

clap

 

http://i.imgur.com/KXTO8.png