Women, preserving their independence in a relationship: reality or myth

[meanon]

Lol. Yes it was sheer enjoyment for me too, it was only desperate when I wasn't with him. But for me that was a phase, I still loved him as much if not more so when it passed but it was different. I'm an off the scale E

[sportsloving]

This is just referring to myself.

 

I love spending time with my S/O. Not all of our interests are the same, I love sports (going to games and playing) while he could live without it. He could at any time say he doesn't want to join me, but instead he prefers being a cheering squad. (Now if I could find a cheerleader outfit for a six ft eight man, woo hooo). On the other hand he enjoys classical music and symphonies and such ... while I could snooze through the best of them (unless it was classic rock of course). But I will attend them with him because I know he enjoys them and I enjoy time with him.

 

I don't feel as if I lose my independence because I want to spend a lot of time with him. I feel as if he gives something extra to my interests and hobbies. And it is always nice to know that I can go alone if I wanted too, but I would much rather share the time with him.

 

If I wanted to go shopping (which I hate) with a friend he wouldn't say a word about it ... but he makes everything so much more enjoyable ... so I want to be with him. I haven't and won't cut off all contact with the outside world to stay focused on him, nor would I want him to do that for me. But the majority of the time, yeah we will be together .

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think (for me) there is a difference between preserving your independent "self" and your independent "life" absent your partner.

 

I don't believe in sacrifice, I believe in happy compromise.

 

I still enjoy doing all the things I did before entering into my relationship 5 years ago. I still have the same hobbies, interests, friends and enjoy the same activities as before. The only thing that has changed is that I no longer hang out with my single friends until the wee hours at the morning, spend my weekends at the bars and clubs, or spend one on one time with my male buddies like I use to when I was single. Platonic or not, it would feel too much like a "date" to me. And if I wanted to maintain some semblance of my single life, I'd have been smart enough not to have gotten into a serious long-term relationship in the first place.

 

The funny thing is…I don't miss it at all! I actually prefer the company of my partner to all others. He's certainly more entertaining! And so far, I haven't felt smothered or the need to escape for a breather. But it's probably do to the fact that our work keeps us apart for 12 hours a day, anyway…AND because our relationship is only five years young and we're still in that "romantic" stage that makes our single and less happily married friends feel all squeamish and uncomfortable.

 

Who knows if things will still be the same between us ten years from now. We're both hoping that it will be, but have made no promises to each other about "forever." All I know is that during the last half of my fifteen year marriage, I too couldn't find enough excuses to get out of the house and away from my husband. But that's because we were no longer best friends who actually found enjoyment in each others company. The emotional intimacy was fading…and so was our marriage. And I'm still trying to figure out whether spending so much time apart was the "cause" of it or the "result" of it.

 

I'm still trying to learn from my past experiences too…

[miz_barby]

Just because you don't choose to have friends of the opposite sex doesn't mean you're smothering your guy! In my case HE is the one who wants to be with me ALL the time, I LOVE HIM and spending most of my time with him! He comes over to MY place, STAYS here and has a hard time saying goodbye because he loves me and I can't imagine being tired of him and we've been together going on a year and a half!

 

Yes I too think it's a cultural thing because he's from Mexico (as was my Xhus, and pretty much the all the other guys I've dated throughout my lifetime) anyway I've gotten used to this cultural way of thinking and being and I (even before I started dating my Mother instilled a lot of these similar beliefs in me as well).

 

I don't think you're giving up "yourself" if you're not keeping male or female friends around, I guess it depends on if you need that to feel "whole" I am happy all by MYSELF or with friends or w/ my BF. I don't "need" anyone but my family because I have strength from within (maybe this comes from hardships before) but none the less personally I've never "needed" friends. I enjoyed their company and going out, hanging out, shopping, chit chatting, and all that but when we grow up and really mature most of us grow apart, keep in touch, and hang out sometimes but we have each moved on with our OWN lives and our OWN relationships. I just can't see "needing" people in my life to feel important!

 

I actually prefer the company of my partner to all others. He's certainly more entertaining! And so far, I haven't felt smothered or the need to escape for a breather

 

Exactly how I feel!

 

Again I'm not putting anyone down and I am just clearly stating how it is for ME. I wouldn't reccomend ANY type of lifestyle to anyone, each person has to find out what's right for themselves period!

[havNfun]

wow, perhaps I should mix my coffee a bit stronger before posting.

 

Anyway, I received a private message from someone about an earlier post of mine and I thought it only fair and honest to post my reply. I will not post the original private message to me without the senders consent.

 

Well I appreciate the heads up. I didn't like her sentiment. If she's going to hold herself in such great esteem she'll have to deal with being shot down now and then by guys like me who aren't intimidated nor impressed by her attitude.

 

If people are going to participate in threads like that - and make a comment so bold (which is great btw! – I love passionate posts) then they have to appreciate and enjoy the responses that their comments provoke. I didn't mean any ill will towards Kelly, but I expressed honestly, back. If the ladies want to have a male bashing thread so they can sculpt out negative perspectives regarding men, uncontested, with only warm encouragement then they need to mark it as a ladies only thread. There is a risk that comes with posting an opinion - the risk of having others disagree - provoking passionate responses, etc.

 

If my outspoken "male" voice is not appreciated or tolerated then so be it.

 

In my opinion a removal of my thoughts/posts - which are passionate but not unkind - would be defeating the purpose of such a great forum for honesty and free exchange of thought - as I think loveshack is! Next time I will for the sake of harmony be careful about overly targeting an individual but the response was really more in protest to the spirit of her post, which I find to be more malicious than my response was. Take care and happy posting.

 

 

(AFTERTHOUGHT)

I know not all of us are talking about this as a way to bash men. But there are a lot of posts written as if men in general are anti-independence, or desparetly possesive more so than women. This isn't an acceptable insinuation in my oppinion.

[moimeme]

The funny thing is…I don't miss it at all! I actually prefer the company of my partner to all others.

 

AND because our relationship is only five years young and we're still in that "romantic" stage

 

I think if you've managed to get to 5 years without getting bored, you never will If it helps, my dad and stepmom were each other's favourite companions for thirty years. Now my dad was one of the most independent humans I've ever known, but they still spent most of their time together - even when both were retired!

 

I don't have to be that way, but nor would I feel smothered if my fellow wanted to spend lotsa time with me because I still look for fellows whose company I prefer to that of everyone else's

[miz_barby]

Speaking about someone getting offended in any of this..........

 

I would hope NO ONE would get SO offended by an open forum where EVERYONE is allowed to post whatever they wish as long as they are respectful!

 

I LOVE passionate posts! I LOVE to debate! MY opinions are JUST MINE and I KNOW not everyone will agree! That's why I WANT TO HEAR EVERYONE! I think it's cool to see what so many other people think!

 

Anyone who can't handle this and can't handle someone going "against" their opinion probably shouldn't post about anything that invokes "emotions" or "thoughts" or personal feelings but since clearly they will EVERYONE including MYSELF need to realize that we ALL have different views and will express them w/out remorse! That's the fun of being able to say what you think and freedom of speech!

[meanon]

each person has to find out what's right for themselves period!

 

Very true!

 

As usual, it's all in the language. We can all say what we wish but if we appear to attack other's characters in the process then we get reaction. That's not to criticise anyone, I was fairly sarcastic myself.

 

Group Hug?

[CurlyIam]

Well, miz_barby, that being said, I very politely tell you I hate your tone! Please know that it is very rude to shout too (writing in capital letters is shouting on the net).

 

I also totally dislike the feeling haviNfun is trying to create: women who do have (or try to preserve) male friends are not selfish feminist unsecure - and unable to have a good relationship - b!tches.

 

That being said, I wish everyone a nice evening and happy posting!

[miz_barby]

Please know that it is very rude to shout too (writing in capital letters is shouting on the net).

 

 

You're kidding right? Hahaha I swear I did not know that! I do it to emphasize the words that are "important" in the post to me! I had no idea that it was considered shouting! Sorry I have to laugh about that.....then let me take this moment to say (without shouting)

 

Sorry everyone I didn't know that meant you were "shouting"

 

I'm not a loud person, I'm opinionated but not loud and wouldn't yell to get my point across!!!

 

I will try and keep the capitals off I guess I will use these " " to stress my point or bold or something! Thanks for the heads up curlyIam!

[havNfun]

oh the French!

[CurlyIam]

Oh, please, havNfun, don't try to charm me out of it !!!

 

You're wellcome, miz!

 

Curly

[Thinkalot]

HI all.

 

Interesting thread.

 

I've posted about similar issues in the past myself. For me it's been difficult finding the balance between 'me time' and 'us' time.

 

At first, I felt insecure if the 'us' time got less.

 

Then I had more 'me' time and worried we'd drift apart and that the old closeness would go.

 

I read an interesting book called "intimacy and solitude' which is really great at looking at these type of dynamics, and helped me sort out what works and what doesn't, and why.

 

Now, we have a lot more space in our relationship than we did. I feel less needy as a result. When we have time on the weekends though, we still spend it together, and choose each other's company over others.

Also, we do not have many young friends where we live anyway!

 

I must admit, I'd be happier with more 'together' time, but my fiance's schedule prevents that. So rather than get angry or demanding, I have just got busier myself, with my own tasks. It's balanced things off well, and is actually more healthy than it once was probably.

 

I still find it's a balancing act though. Maintaining the right amount of closeness, and space. I don't want us to ever drift apart...and I don't want to be too clingy.

 

I think the real challenge will come if/when I stop work to have kids.

 

I am in the middle of the I/E scale. Outgoing at work and so on, but also crave alone time, and find lots of socialising very tiring.

[ThirtySomethingByCar]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

I don't want to make the same mistake and put all my time and effort in a relationship. I don't want my bf suffocated by me and by my constant attention. Not now, not later. I just hate it when women do this.

 

Any guy asking you this is immature and should grow up - even if he's 50.

 

 

My girlfriend and I share friends. I know some of hers, she knows some of mine. Occasionally we go out separately - not too much, but because we don't want it, not because we can't. We enjoy time together, so why doing stuff separately? If I (or she) wanted to be on our own most of the time, we wouldn't be having a relationship, but just a casual thing, accidentally with the same person (which is ok and fun, but not what I'd call a 'relationship').

 

 

Still, if it happens, it's not a problem. Trust is the keyword here; and love - which to me means also liking to stay together.

 

 

That a true relationship might be suffucating is illogical. If it is, it's better called a prison.

[DMS]

no matter how much you are "in love" with someone, some people still enjoy time to themselves. Me personally, I enjoy going out with my girlfriends for a relaxing time to talk "girl talk." It has nothing to do with being on a high horse or power trip or negativity of any kind towards the male gender. Some guys just don't understand why we would want to do anything without them and they can be so pouty sometimes its rediculous. I mentioned going to a nursing convention to my boyfriend and he didn't like the idea and was hurt i didn't ask him to go. Yeah, sure, he really wanted to go to a nursing convention to see what they had to say. I'm sure he just couldn't handle me going anywhere without him, back to the trust issue I guess. Sure some things should change when you enter a relationship, but with guys and girls too, it's a control issue when they don't want you to maintain doing things you normally did before they came along.

[seahorse]

I too like doing things by myself occasionally - and when I do, I expect my SO to wish me well, tell me to have a good time and to trust me, just as I do when he tells me he has something on which doesn't include me, or I'm not interested in. I like the occasional night out with the girls, and I work a couple of evenings a week most weeks.

I believe everyone, even in the most committed relationship, is entitled to "me time" whenever they want it. If nothing else, it gives you something to talk about when you get back to your beloved!

I think some "me time" keeps relationships fresh and helps you to appreciate each other more.

JMHO.