maxie Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Can someone please tell me if this is wrong. It really bothered me. So, backstory - I've been under a lot of stress at work, unhappy with our living space (needs repair) and have been feeling some distance in our relationship (maybe I have GIGS? ) Very little physical contact, a quick kiss before work, getting home from work and before bed, but the only other time is when he's looking for sex. So because of all these things I haven't been as interested in sex as I used to be. Down to once every week or two weeks. I haven't refused him, but have sometimes created situations to make sex impossible (staying up late when he has to get up at 4:00am, going to bed and falling asleep right away...) We haven't talked about it, and he is not very capable of having conversations about our problems, but I know we need to talk. So last night I felt ok to have sex, want to bed, gave the usually signals but he didn't seem interested. Eventually I gave up and rolled over to sleep. Shortly after he spoons me, starts groping me and poking me, put it in and does his thing and goes to sleep. At first I was going to get into it, but then I realized he was not interested in having sex with me and instead just wanted to use me to get off. I made no reaction to what he was doing - I clearly was not turned on or enjoying myself - but I didn't stop him because I just couldn't believe what was happening. I know we need to talk about this, and a talk about the distance in our relationship is overdue, but am I right in being upset about this? I will never let that happen to me ever again. Disgusting. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 You may not be totally in the right, but he was definitely wrong. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 You may not be totally in the right, but he was definitely wrong. This. I was going to respond to the rest of your post, OP, and suggest communicating about it, etc, but the clincher pretty much stunned me. Honestly, that is not something that normal and healthy men do . Not unless it has already been established that you would like him to do that! You aren't wrong in being upset. Not at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 This. I was going to respond to the rest of your post, OP, and suggest communicating about it, etc, but the clincher pretty much stunned me. Honestly, that is not something that normal and healthy men do . Not unless it has already been established that you would like him to do that! You aren't wrong in being upset. Not at all. You may not be totally in the right, but he was definitely wrong. Wow, some pretty black/white responses to a fairly nuanced situation. And the OP seems to have given herself a free pass on any responsibility she has in dealing with the normal peaks and valleys, sexual and otherwise, in a relationship. I wonder what his version of this story would sound like? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 If you question the veracity of every OP's description of the situation to this extent, is there really ever a point in responding in forums like these? For all you know an OP who says he was made to go without sex for 10 years is a sexual deviant who only appreciates anal sex with women dressed like rabbits, or another OP who said that her bf hit her had actually hit him multiple times previously but she had just omitted to mention it. I don't see the purpose of doing such, but each to their own... Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 I realized he was not interested in having sex with me and instead just wanted to use me to get off. Would you prefer that he went elsewhere? If so, tell him. If you want love he can stay home. And it he just wants sex he can make other arrangements. Does that work? A man needs sex even if he isn't swooning with passion. I'm sure he had no idea that this was somehow injurious to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Would you prefer that he went elsewhere? If so, tell him. If you want love he can stay home. And it he just wants sex he can make other arrangements. Does that work? A man needs sex even if he isn't swooning with passion. I'm sure he had no idea that this was somehow injurious to you. This tells me all I need to know about why your wife did not want to have sex with you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 (edited) This tells me all I need to know about why your wife did not want to have sex with you. Yes, yes, rationalize it away. That is the female thing to do. What you see is a man who has finally figured it out. No more lies. No more deception. No more falling for endless rationalizations. Edited July 26, 2012 by Robert Z Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Yes, yes, rationalize it away. That is the female thing to do. What you see is a man who has finally figured it out. I don't see why you think your situation had any parallels to a woman whose husband used her as a masturbatory tool without her consent or participation. Unless... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Yes, yes, rationalize it away. That is the female thing to do. What you see is a man who has finally figured it out. No more lies. No more deception. No more falling for endless rationalizations. And the "male" thing to do would be to make the sexual relationship all about him and what he wants. I'd prefer a healthy male with some perspective AND the ability to connect sexually and emotionally. I'm sure OP is the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 And the "male" thing to do would be to make the sexual relationship all about him and what he wants. It's just the 'Robert Z, Greznog, and Mr. maxie' thing, really. There are plenty of other men who know how to get his woman all turned on for him, rather than believing that using their comatose wife as a masturbatory tool is a completely acceptable measure to get their 'needs' fulfilled. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Would you prefer that he went elsewhere? If so, tell him. If you want love he can stay home. And it he just wants sex he can make other arrangements. Does that work? A man needs sex even if he isn't swooning with passion. I'm sure he had no idea that this was somehow injurious to you. I feel like barfing. You must have been a nightmare of a husband. Thank God for your ex that it's finally over! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 It's just the 'Robert Z, Greznog, and Mr. maxie' thing, really. There are plenty of other men who know how to get his woman all turned on for him, rather than believing that using their comatose wife as a masturbatory tool is a completely acceptable measure to get their 'needs' fulfilled. And she better put up with it with a big happy face, because all those prostitutes are just an email away … ahhhhhh the humanity 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 I feel like barfing. You must have been a nightmare of a husband. Thank God for your ex that it's finally over! The 'somehow' injurious part cracks me up, actually. It's like someone saying, "Aww, she just hit you in the balls a little. I'm sure she had no idea it'd be 'somehow' injurious to you!" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 That's why "male" is in quotes. It's an antiquated attitude that women don't like it but they have to do it or be available for it at the drop of a man's hat. If she doesn't she's a bitch and it's her fault if he cheats because he was entitled to anyways. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 If you question the veracity of every OP's description of the situation to this extent, is there really ever a point in responding in forums like these? For all you know an OP who says he was made to go without sex for 10 years is a sexual deviant who only appreciates anal sex with women dressed like rabbits, or another OP who said that her bf hit her had actually hit him multiple times previously but she had just omitted to mention it. I don't see the purpose of doing such, but each to their own... My pondering wasn't based on questioning her truthfulness but I was simply struck by the fact that no where in her post is the slightest consideration for what he was going through in the time leading up to this event. She avoided sex because she was stressed about work, the house and feeling detached from him. What effect did that have on him? When you're half of a couple, your actions and feelings don't exist in a vacuum. This may be as simple as a misunderstanding based on (by the OP's own admission) a lack of discussion and communication. Some are making it out to be a semi-assault... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 My pondering wasn't based on questioning her truthfulness but I was simply struck by the fact that no where in her post is the slightest consideration for what he was going through in the time leading up to this event. She avoided sex because she was stressed about work, the house and feeling detached from him. What effect did that have on him? When you're half of a couple, your actions and feelings don't exist in a vacuum. This may be as simple as a misunderstanding based on (by the OP's own admission) a lack of discussion and communication. Some are making it out to be a semi-assault... Mr. Lucky I agree with you on that point, but I really don't see how having sex with a completely unresponsive person could be due to a lack of discussion and communication. At the very least, he thought she was asleep - at the worst, he thought that she did not want sex but he just couldn't be bothered about that. Even the 'very least' option is extremely disturbing. I definitely agree that she should have and could have communicated better and let him know how the emotional distance was affecting her sex drive, but I really don't think all that matters with this act of his. Nobody is saying that she's completely faultless, but his actions are inexcusable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 How dare I suggest she join us in 2012 by initiating sex rather than "giving the usual signals". How dare I suggest you join us in 2012, where it isn't considered acceptable for a husband to use his wife to get off whenever he wants without thought for whether or not she wants it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 She gave him the usual signals and then rolled over to go to sleep ( is he supposed to be a mind reader? ). As far as I've read she wasn't actually asleep. Mmhmm, and here I point you to my post just a few posts up (not too hard to find, was it)? I agree with you on that point, but I really don't see how having sex with a completely unresponsive person could be due to a lack of discussion and communication. At the very least, he thought she was asleep - at the worst, he thought that she did not want sex but he just couldn't be bothered about that. Even the 'very least' option is extremely disturbing. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Did you even read the OP? It doesn't at any point infer that she was asleep or unresponsive, in fact she specifically states that he started spooning her " soon after" she rolled over after she had given him the usual signals. I made no reaction to what he was doing - I clearly was not turned on or enjoying myself - but I didn't stop him because I just couldn't believe what was happening. Yawn. Also, according to your other posts, shouldn't you be asking the OP whether or not her husband had gained weight recently? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 I agree with you on that point, but I really don't see how having sex with a completely unresponsive person could be due to a lack of discussion and communication. At the very least, he thought she was asleep - at the worst, he thought that she did not want sex but he just couldn't be bothered about that. Even the 'very least' option is extremely disturbing. Being "completely unresponsive" unfortunately seems to be the OP's passive/aggressive norm, hence her avoidance of sex and productive discussion. Her partner's "disgusting" and "disturbing" actions could easily be based on trying to interpret confusing or non-existing feedback. Not as simple as many - mostly female -posters seem to want to make it... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Being "completely unresponsive" unfortunately seems to be the OP's passive/aggressive norm, hence her avoidance of sex and productive discussion. Her partner's "disgusting" and "disturbing" actions could easily be based on trying to interpret confusing or non-existing feedback. Not as simple as many - mostly female -posters seem to want to make it... Mr. Lucky Sadly you're the only genuine male poster that has actually responded. Perhaps some of the regulars might drop by and provide feedback, but I can't speak on their behalf. I don't think the OP would have made a big deal out of this if this is the way her sex sessions always go. EVEN if it is, well, being perfectly fine with having sex with a completely non-responsive person is still disturbing, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Sadly you're the only genuine male poster that has actually responded. Perhaps some of the regulars might drop by and provide feedback, but I can't speak on their behalf. I don't think the OP would have made a big deal out of this if this is the way her sex sessions always go. EVEN if it is, well, being perfectly fine with having sex with a completely non-responsive person is still disturbing, IMO. I've certainly been called worse than "genuine male" I work in a business with some mind-and-body numbingly long and stressful days. And having collapsed in bed afterwards, I've on occasion been awoken by a frisky spouse where the only responses I've been able to summon were an erection and supine inclination. While there was zero mental inclination on my part to be intimate at that moment, I was perfectly happy to lay back and let her enjoy completely one-sided sex. What would constitute "disturbing" to me would be throwing my partner under the bus by allowing her the pleasure that night and then questioning her motives and methods the next day... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 I've certainly been called worse than "genuine male" LOL. I did actually mean genuine 'male poster' not 'genuine male' poster, but hey, I suppose that works too! I work in a business with some mind-and-body numbingly long and stressful days. And having collapsed in bed afterwards, I've on occasion been awoken by a frisky spouse where the only responses I've been able to summon were an erection and supine inclination. While there was zero mental inclination on my part to be intimate at that moment, I was perfectly happy to lay back and let her enjoy completely one-sided sex. Did you make it known to her that you would be fine with that? I can't imagine someone doing that with their partner unless there was SOME sort of consent in some manner, perhaps beforehand. My partner faces similar work days as you sometimes and when he makes it clear that he is not interested, I respect his wishes. I don't claim that he is 'refusing me my needs' and thus I am entitled to get off 'any way I feel necessary, whether on him or on a male escort'. What would constitute "disturbing" to me would be throwing my partner under the bus by allowing her the pleasure that night and then questioning her motives and methods the next day... Mr. Lucky My take on it is that the OP should absolutely have stopped him. However, I cannot believe that anyone who loves someone would have sex with their non-responsive body unless it had previously been established that their partner would be absolutely happy with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 He was having sex "ON" her, and / or "IN" her, but not "WITH" her. There really is a big difference. I'm sure you won't take my word for it, but just because you can't understand something does not mean it is not really true. And she didn't pull a "cold fish" routine in the middle of anything. He f**ked her when she was unresponsive from the start. Im pretty sure that if you ever found yourself in a situation where a woman was "available" for sex even if she was not interested in having it, you'd behave just as her husband did. I'm very grateful that my husband (and my exes as well) weren't of that mindset. It sounds barf inducing, rather than orgasm inducing. I prefer the latter in my sexual life! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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