Husband used me for sex

[alexandria35]

Op,

 

You and your husband are acting like spoiled little brats. That's the honest truth. Take it from someone who has been there. Swallow your pride, both of you, and sit down and discuss it. Honestly.

 

No more of this playing games bull****. It's obvious you both want sex...so libido is not a problem. But this has gotten to a point where you are BOTH trying to use sex as control and power. Neither of you wants to give in, which is why your husband didn't give in to your initial advances but then later had sex when you went to sleep. He wanted it on HIS terms, not yours. And you only want it on YOUR terms which is why you create situations where sex is impossible for him to initiate. So just sit down and face each other and talk about it. It CAN be as easy as saying to each other, "you're my husband/wife, I'm with you because I'm attracted to you and I want to **** you". It might sound corny, but when you are openly honest about your raw feelings to each other, it works wonders. Raw honesty is reciprocated.

 

I think the above is the best post on this thread. The OP hasn't come back to give us more details and since none of us were in bed with them we can't know exactly how it played out. However I think the post above really cuts through the crap and the insignificant details and gets right to the heart of the matter. It does sound like both people in this situation are trying to take control of when, how, and where sex is going to happen. The guy probably had some resentment over his wife controlling the sex and that's likely why he didn't immediately respond to her. The wife says she rolled over to go to sleep (not that she went to sleep) and that's when he started making advances towards her. She say at first she thought about getting into it but then decided to play dead. She took her turn at playing the same game her husband had just played with her a few minutes earlier, only she took it even further.

 

At first I was all on her side thinking "oh yeah, your husband used you for sex and he's a jerk" but the more I think about it, I have to admit that that the wife's actions don't sound right either. They are both playing mindf**k games with each other and those little manipulative games are going to destroy their marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't think anyone said he was raping her? That WOULD be absurd. Using someone for sex really isn't the same thing as raping her. I personally don't think the line of 'rape' was crossed in this case, anyway.

And yet the examples you cite in qualifying how you think the OP has been portrayed are all physical assaults:

Also, typical shaming techniques on the OP for not stopping him in time. Yes, of course she should have stopped him. The woman who gets groped by a stranger should also have kicked him in the balls and then handed his sorry ass over to a policeman instead of staring at him in shock for a few minutes and then walking away. The woman who gets hit by her husband should have tried to defend herself instead of just taking it. The people watching someone get beaten up on the street should have done something to intervene instead of watching in shock. But guess what.. we're human. We make mistakes. Those mistakes do NOT excuse the actions of the perpetrator.

The OP isn't a victim anymore than her husband is. And her "I've been wronged" attitude, on top of the resentment for her husband she already projects in her post, will only deepen the gulf between them and further damage their marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Els]

And yet the examples you cite in qualifying how you think the OP has been portrayed are all physical assaults:

 

The OP isn't a victim anymore than her husband is. And her "I've been wronged" attitude, on top of the resentment for her husband she already projects in her post, will only deepen the gulf between them and further damage their marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I really don't think getting your breasts groped by a stranger is the equivalent of rape, either. It definitely wouldn't hold up to that in court. My point was that the 'she could have stopped him, so why didn't she?' line is often overused as a shaming tactic and used in the classic 'if she isn't fighting it, it means she's enjoying it' defense. The OP says she was frozen in shock, which would have been understandable if things truly happened the way she said they did. But we certainly don't know if they did.

[Radu]

Only if born in the 'liberated' West.

 

I'll teach my boys and girls more common sense traditional values, they seem to work better for marriages.

[Els]

Only if born in the 'liberated' West.

 

I'll teach my boys and girls more common sense traditional values, they seem to work better for marriages.

 

Honestly, some people, including the two bridge-dwellers who posted above you, tend to misinterpret 'traditional values' as 'the husband being entitled to sex whenever he likes regardless of whether or not the wife wants it at a particular time'. This is not true. Genuine traditional values are giving of yourself selflessly, consideration, respect, endurance of hardship together instead of expectation of instant personal gratification, being able to put family and their wellbeing above personal pleasure.

 

Traditional values are a woman slipping into her husband's bed to pleasure him sexually even if she doesn't feel like it, because he has had a bad day and she knows it will make him feel better. Traditional values are also a husband doing nice and kind things to make his stressed, ill, or unhappy wife feel better, even if sex has been lacking, because his love for her is more than just 'how much sex I can get from her'.

 

Traditional values are NOT all of the things that people have said in defense of the OP's husband. They are about giving, not about getting.

 

Also, FWIW, I don't think ANYone is defending the OP or saying that she is faultless. Some people are defending her husband and saying that it is entirely her fault, however.

[alexandria35]

I really don't think getting your breasts groped by a stranger is the equivalent of rape, either. It definitely wouldn't hold up to that in court. My point was that the 'she could have stopped him, so why didn't she?' line is often overused as a shaming tactic and used in the classic 'if she isn't fighting it, it means she's enjoying it' defense. The OP says she was frozen in shock, which would have been understandable if things truly happened the way she said they did. But we certainly don't know if they did.

 

How long does one stay frozen in shock? If a stranger suddenly ran up to me in the street, grabbed my boob, felt it up for 2 seconds and then ran off, I probably would be just left standing there frozen in shock. But would I stand there frozen in shock for several minutes while this stranger got his fill of molesting me on the street? No, I don't think so. I think the guy would have 2 seconds at most before I react.

 

Comparing her inability to say no to a wife who is beaten by her husband doesn't really work either. There's a helpless mentality that goes along with being an abused spouse. I didn't see anything in the OPs post that suggested that she is dominated or abused by her husband. She even said that she has been controlling their sex life so I really don't think she was somehow immobolized with fear throughout the entire event. I don't think she enjoyed the sex either. I do think she was playing the same game with him that he was playing with her when he ignored her sexual advances. She said when he first started touching her she thought about getting into to it but then she decided not to. So her brain wasn't frozen in shock, she was thinking and she made a concious decision to respond the way she did.

[Els]

How long does one stay frozen in shock? If a stranger suddenly ran up to me in the street, grabbed my boob, felt it up for 2 seconds and then ran off, I probably would be just left standing there frozen in shock. But would I stand there frozen in shock for several minutes while this stranger got his fill of molesting me on the street? No, I don't think so. I think the guy would have 2 seconds at most before I react.

 

Comparing her inability to say no to a wife who is beaten by her husband doesn't really work either. There's a helpless mentality that goes along with being an abused spouse. I didn't see anything in the OPs post that suggested that she is dominated or abused by her husband. She even said that she has been controlling their sex life so I really don't think she was somehow immobolized with fear throughout the entire event. I don't think she enjoyed the sex either. I do think she was playing the same game with him that he was playing with her when he ignored her sexual advances. She said when he first started touching her she thought about getting into to it but then she decided not to. So her brain wasn't frozen in shock, she was thinking and she made a concious decision to respond the way she did.

 

The OP specifically said that she was too shocked to react. I don't know if she was exaggerating or lying, or if her husband is a 10-second man. You'd need to ask her for that. I prefer to take posts at face value, else we'd be second-guessing everything.

[Radu]

Honestly, some people, including the two bridge-dwellers who posted above you, tend to misinterpret 'traditional values' as 'the husband being entitled to sex whenever he likes regardless of whether or not the wife wants it at a particular time'. This is not true. Genuine traditional values are giving of yourself selflessly, consideration, respect, endurance of hardship together instead of expectation of instant personal gratification, being able to put family and their wellbeing above personal pleasure.

 

Traditional values are a woman slipping into her husband's bed to pleasure him sexually even if she doesn't feel like it, because he has had a bad day and she knows it will make him feel better. Traditional values are also a husband doing nice and kind things to make his stressed, ill, or unhappy wife feel better, even if sex has been lacking, because his love for her is more than just 'how much sex I can get from her'.

 

Traditional values are NOT all of the things that people have said in defense of the OP's husband. They are about giving, not about getting.

 

Also, FWIW, I don't think ANYone is defending the OP or saying that she is faultless. Some people are defending her husband and saying that it is entirely her fault, however.

 

I absolutely 100% agree with you.

 

If there is anything i would change in your post, it would be to make your post gender neutral.

[Els]

I absolutely 100% agree with you.

 

If there is anything i would change in your post, it would be to make your post gender neutral.

 

 

Hey, I tried to give one example for the wife and one for the husband. I suppose they could both have been 'partner' instead, huh?

[Radu]

Hey, I tried to give one example for the wife and one for the husband. I suppose they could both have been 'partner' instead, huh?

 

Yeah, i had an epiphany a few weeks ago thinking about something similar.

 

These ppl keep going in relationships [marriage too] half-assed, they put just 1 foot in, and are 1 foot out ... just in case they need to power play or get the better deal.

That's not how you have a good relationship, you find the right person, it won't be perfect, but you respect each other in the marriage and go all in.

 

Obviously, if there are horrible problems and you married some form of antisocial/histrionic, you can still divorce, but that should be the last resort instead of the panic button.

 

I only learned this in my last relationship.

[DaisyLeigh]

 

Guess what captain obvious? Nobody speaks for you except, uh - you. So the question is why would you write something so ridiculous?

 

 

Is there a reason you have to be so damn rude? Maybe you are not getting any?

[Mr. Lucky]

Also, FWIW, I don't think ANYone is defending the OP or saying that she is faultless. Some people are defending her husband and saying that it is entirely her fault, however.

If you exclude the knee-jerk posting of a couple of members (funny how they're all new and joined around the same time ), I don't see many reasonable folks suggesting that "it is entirely her fault". To me, based on the position the OP and her husband have put themselves in, not a lot of fault need be assigned. To an outsider, the "event" or something like it seems like a nearly predictable happening given the conditions they've created together. An appropriate cliche would start with "they've made this bed..."

 

Mr. Lucky

[Snakechammah]

It wasn't rude. Her marriage is failing, and her attitude towards marriage, that it's just a friendship, which she is endorsing to others as the proper attitude, might be part of the reason why. Apparently neither she nor you can see the connection between attitude towards one's marriage and success/failure of it.

 

In that respect, very similar to OP's attitude towards her marriage, sex, and her husband.

 

Would you like to read my post again, Mr Know-it-all? Did I even say I agree with her post? Where in nine hells did I ever express anything about my views on marriage? You don't know anything about my opinion in this so don't pretend you do.

 

My post caught your RUDENESS to a poster who wasn't even talking to you. THAT was it.

[BeatRev]

 

I actually feel for the husband. I can see how he was confused. She gave the signals. he spooned her she got into it than not. Also ht eop doesn't mention how long after she rolled over that he starts feeling her up. She says shortly after. Hell s could have been five minutes later.

 

so yes he is guilty of being clueless but it sounds as if the don't communicate at all.

 

Sometimes in the middle of the night if I can's sleep my husband and I have a quickie no foreplay really just down to business. I don't feel used or anything.

 

Once I was into sex but for some reason I started feeling fat etc.. and than I wasn't into it but when I just let go of that mindset and just enjoyed the sex it was great. so does that mean for the 5 or 1 0 minutes i wasn't into it my husband was raping me- how absurd.

 

I was wondering if anyone else caught that part, what a relief!

 

She gave him the usual signs, he's not horny. Time goes on he becomes horny. There's no switch or button in a guy to just turns that state of mind off. She turns over and doesn't say a word the whole time. She asked for it, got it, and then blamed him because she wasn't feeling it.

 

Sex for men is extremely important for getting a good night's sleep. I just wish some women could use it beneficially like many women and most men do. Why use such a powerful thing to destroy, when you can cure common insomnia?

Edited July 28, 2012 by BeatRev

[scatterd]

He probably knows what you have been doing and did not know if he should go for it. When you turned around he went for it. I would not make anything out of it. But you do need to talk about playing games. You both need

to have healthy muture sex its part of a relationship.

[Athena]

(...) ... I've on occasion been awoken by a frisky spouse where the only responses I've been able to summon were an erection and supine inclination. While there was zero mental inclination on my part to be intimate at that moment, I was perfectly happy to lay back and let her enjoy completely one-sided sex.

 

What would constitute "disturbing" to me would be throwing my partner under the bus by allowing her the pleasure that night and then questioning her motives and methods the next day...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yup, I've done this to my H long ago, and was happy he allowed me to have my way with him!

[Athena]

This reminds me of my new Wife. I told her on several occasions that I was horney but didnt want to wake her (I work nights). Her answer was "honey if you get horney just wake me up and **** me. I wont mind, Im your wife"

 

A couple of times waaay back when the kids were babies and I was exhausted at night and not up to sex, my H coming in late and finding me in bed already asleep would ask if he could get off on some or other body parts of mine I was Okay with that! No effort required, and glad he could get pleasure that way... no problem.

[g450]

Are you unable to read English or something? What part of "I clearly was not turned on or enjoying myself" do you not understand? Just because she didn't stop him doesn't mean she was enjoying it.

 

You also misread her initial post. She wasn't teasing him then trying to play cold fish. She initiated and he didn't respond so she gave up and went to sleep. THEN he decides, "Oh...I think I would like to have sex now" and starts screwing her.

 

They are BOTH playing games with EACH OTHER. They are both equally at fault here. They need to solve this TOGETHER.

 

Why is this ridiculously simple concept so confusing for people?

 

I understand English just fine thank you. Apparently you seem to conveniently overlook the fact that she said

 

"I made no reaction to what he was doing"

 

and

 

"but I didn't stop him"

 

If she wasnt enjoying it she would have stopped him so she is either outright lying or at least being dissengenuous.

 

And dont tell me she wasnt teasing him. She was spooning with him. And you also conveniently forget that she posted that she would play the game of avoiding having sex with him. She is playing games. And if she keeps doing that she will wind up being single soon. Lets see if the next guy plays those games with her.

[Gotti25]

I actually read this whole thread and it makes no sense OP hasn't even responded to any of the thread comments forced to have sex that's just ridiculous & hard to believe

[haribogumsnickers]

You should be happy; plain and simple. It's unfortunate that things at work and at home aren't stress-free but it's a team effort. Communicate what's going on with you to your H. He needs to step up to be there for you especially in a time like this. As far as him using you for sex...you shouldn't have to force yourself to his enjoyment at his convenience. If you're not in the mood, then it's a no go. No worries though, just stay positive and strong. It's 5 o'clock somewhere, so have yourself a nice hurricane.

[g450]

I really don't think getting your breasts groped by a stranger is the equivalent of rape, either. It definitely wouldn't hold up to that in court. My point was that the 'she could have stopped him, so why didn't she?' line is often overused as a shaming tactic and used in the classic 'if she isn't fighting it, it means she's enjoying it' defense. The OP says she was frozen in shock, which would have been understandable if things truly happened the way she said they did. But we certainly don't know if they did.

 

Oh give us a break. If she was "frozen in shock" she would not be posting here she would be in a rape crisis center.

 

The fact that the OP bailed when we started asking her for more input tells me more than I need to know. She is just looking for an audience to side with her even though she is just as guilty as her H.

 

I guess next time my wife hops on my morning wood Ill be "frozen in shock" gasp!!!! She...sniff sniff...used me. Seriously, take it off the pedestal ladies. Your human just like us men are. If you really think you were raped then report it.

 

I bet her and her husband are having sex right now while reading all the crap that's been posted here and laughing their azzes off.

[g450]

A couple of times waaay back when the kids were babies and I was exhausted at night and not up to sex, my H coming in late and finding me in bed already asleep would ask if he could get off on some or other body parts of mine I was Okay with that! No effort required, and glad he could get pleasure that way... no problem.

 

Yeah a marriage is give and take. You try to meet each others needs. That's where the love comes in. Sadly the OP doesnt get this and her and her H communicate poorly if at all.

 

My XW used to be exactly like the OP was. Glad to say my current is just like you. We may sometimes have other issues (her kids) but but sex has never been an issue with us.

[angie2443]

At first I was going to get into it, but then I realized he was not interested in having sex with me and instead just wanted to use me to get off.

 

I made no reaction to what he was doing - I clearly was not turned on or enjoying myself - but I didn't stop him because I just couldn't believe what was happening.

 

.

 

What you've posted here does sound disturbing. Is there a possible imbalence of power in your relationship, or is this more of a one time incident?

[angie2443]

Oh give us a break. If she was "frozen in shock" she would not be posting here she would be in a rape crisis center.

 

.

 

The OP didn't post enough for anyone to know the complete dynamic of her relationship or this situation.

 

Since so many keep bringing up rape, I need to respond. I was raped before by someone I thought was my friend. It was many, many years ago. I was in shock. Once he was on top, I did stop fighting him. He was too heavy for me to push off and I felt, if I just "took it", he wouldn't harm me further. I didn't call a rape crisis center. I didn't feel I had a case because I didn't have many bruises on me and it would be my word against his. I've seen how people who are harmed in this way get blamed for it, sometimes by friends and family.

[summerdowling87]

Maybe I'm abnormal kind of female since I think about sex all the time I would've done the same thing to my BF.

 

That the husband did and she didn't say no to him while he was doing his thing I'm sure he would've stopped she if said no.