supermom Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Am I bored? I don't know....I love my husband, our house, our child, the freedom he gives me....but I don't know the feelings I have been feeling... 2 years ago this fourth I was 5 months preg w/ our child. He and my dad went out of state to get stuff for our upcomming baby (my mom's house, she had alot of stuff for us). In Arizona we had alot of fires so there were no fireworks that year. Well in the state they were in (ID) they had an amazing fireworks show. My husband, sister, and her friend got a hotel room so they could watch them..my parents were there too...when they left my husband stayed with my sis and her friend so they could drink. Meanwhile I was at home by myself with the exception of my very close Aunt, who unfortuately, died the next January (we dont' know what happened really). He came home a week later. I was so excited to see him and our stuff....we had the baby in October, very beautiful little girl..... February the next year (this year) he confessed that he had cheated on me with my sister's friend in the hotel room while my sis was asleep! He had hid this from me all this time. He said that he wanted to tell me when he got home....but i was preg and moody..then she was born...so he didn't want to lose that..then finally got the balls enough to tell me.....along time though. I felt that this lie was above our heads during our whole marriage up until then (we only got married in April before that). Before we got married though, I cheated on him with my stbxh so yes, I am no better...but before we got married I asked him if we were over that...and if not, lets work on it before we get married. He was so adamant that he was over it and we were fine. So this of course, is a shocker to me somewhat. Now it's July. We have talked and we have decided to stay together ( or I did for that matter). I am still secretly hurting inside. Unfortunately, when I want to talk about it, which is hardly at all, my husband changes the subject. I don't know if it's intentional or not, but I feel that I can't get my feelings out to heal completely. Another thing, I don't know if my feelings have changed now. I do not want to cheat, and I won't. When I did it before, as I have told my husband, I was not over my ex, as we were not even divorced yet. I wasn't really ready for the kind of relationship my husband wanted at the time, but I still lived with him and made a child, so we got married. Not because of the child, as I knew it would be someday but it ended up sooner than I probably was ready for. Ironically, we are friends w/ my ex and his wife. There is no drama about that, my husband and ex husband are more friends than me and my ex...to weird I think, but I am friends w/ his wife. Very weird situation I think. I am saying I am secretly hurting inside because I don't think I can have a lasting convo w/ my husband as his mind I think drifts off.... What to do? I know counceling is a good idea, but i dont' have time or money for it...I know I would really like to go. My feelings I think have changed...not the love part.....but I think the respect part. I would really like all that back. My husband has not cheated since or before..so I do trust him again...but what? I know my husband is madly in love with me, and I do love him too...I just don't know what these feelings are! I need help! Link to post Share on other sites
capitald Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 Being angry will fuel his compulsion to cheat again. Forgive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author supermom Posted July 10, 2004 Author Share Posted July 10, 2004 Being angry will fuel his compulsion to cheat again. Forgive. Thats the thing though, I have forgiven him! We don't even fight about it ( we hardly argue at all anyways, very relaxed marriage) it's just that why am I still hurting after I have forgiven him? And is this why? Link to post Share on other sites
capitald Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 your anger is hurting you, yes, stop stewing in the anger and he will have no power over you. Only then will you be equals in the relationships. Right now he holds the reigns so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
Author supermom Posted July 10, 2004 Author Share Posted July 10, 2004 What do you do if you can't help it? I even recently apologized to the OW for threatening to beat her up. Trying to get closure. I've tried to stop being upset over it. It's not as much anger, but sadness I think. I don't want to get divorced, I don't want to fight. I guess this'll just have to eat me up until nothing is left... Link to post Share on other sites
capitald Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 1. resist the urge to do violence. That is hardly ever the right path. 2. Stop feeling bad for yourself. 3. start doing things to make yourself happy, it will show your husband that you are strong and you don't need to rely on him for everything. ...work out, get some good food, read a good book, cook something new, pick up a new hobbie. that will weirdly enough put him in his place... Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 supermom, I think these feelings will either pass or resolve themselves into something more definite that you will recognise. I've read a few of your recent posts. You've spent some time in an understandably angry state blaming the OW. Now that's gone and you are coming closer to getting to grips with the reality of what has happened. Maybe one of the consequences of directing so much anger to the OW was that you limited your husband's culpability and that helped you to forgive. If this rings true then the shifting of the blame may have caused some of the hurt to resurface. Some of the sadness may be for a sort of loss of innocence in the marriage, the trust has been broken even though it is now restored. The recent soul searching you have done may have also uncovered other emotions about your relationship with your husband that you have refused to face until now. All other things being equal, we tend to confront issues about ourselves when we are ready to do so. Or it could just be that it has stirred up the feelings again and you just feel very bruised. I think you should take things slowly, talk about your feelings with whoever you feel most comfortable with. If it would help to talk to your husband, explain that you do trust him and have forgiven him but that there are still some things that bother you that you need to talk to him about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author supermom Posted July 11, 2004 Author Share Posted July 11, 2004 Thanks meanon, I did recently post an apology to the OW's and also a post stating "what I have learned from the OW and loveshack... This site has helped me alot. Thank you I think all will be okay. I just have issues I need to deal with I guess still. Link to post Share on other sites
Author supermom Posted July 11, 2004 Author Share Posted July 11, 2004 My recent post regarding the above: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t42680/ Let me know what you think Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 Supermom, sorry, I should have said - I was not being at all critical about you blaming the OW. I saw your apology and thought it was quite remarkable. It's rare to get that kind of self critical honesty on a public forum. It's from reading the apology that I know you have been very angry, I don't actually recall reading any of your posts that struck me as offensive. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 You still sound partially anesthetized. It has been 2 years since your husband cheated, and you're still in low grade shock. You suffered or, more accurately, your marriage suffered a major loss of innocence, and you're trying to get back those old spousal bonds--regain those loving feelings. The one thing an affair does is subtly alter the chemistry, the intimacy , the very experience of being husband and wife. That's why affairs are so bad: an affair can irretrievably alter how you feel about, or around, your mate. There are forever disturbances in the marital field. Once the affair happens, and especially after it's discovered, neither spouse feels entirely at home with the other spouse. Both suffer from incurable homesickness. The pre-existing warm spousal fellow-feeling is changed--often forever. Time, your child and special efforts will make your marriage viable and bearable,but I don't believe your marriage will ever return to that pre-affair state of grace and innocence. An affair is the AIDS virus of a marriage: the great intimacy disrupter. Paradise lost. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 OK I've read the recent one too. When something bad happens to us, our reaction changes over time - shock, anger, understanding, grief, acceptance (not necessarily in that order). Many people who feel they have been a victim get stuck in the anger phase, it's a normal reaction. You are coming out of it and learning new things. I think there is still a fair degree of anger as reflected in the extent you need to attribute blame. That's quite understandable, your husband did this to you - you blame him. You have come a long way already. Over time, I think this anger will dissipate. As it does, you may find that you understand more about the reasons why it happened, or you may be able to just let it go by focusing on the future and all that is positive in your marriage. If you can't, then you will need to actively seek to understand more - to work your way through it. More about why he did it and about what it is that hurts so much (that may seem obvious but it's not - you need specifics to know if you can accept it and stay married). Try not to worry too much, as i said your reappraisal of the affair will make you feel worse at first but the change is good, things are resolving themselves, the healing process is continuing. Link to post Share on other sites
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