Mad and confused Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 I started seeing my ex for the first time 10 years ago. I was 20 and he was 26. 4 years ago I told him I wanted a baby, his baby. He told me no he didn't want to ever have kids, I made a choice I wanted to start a family and we broke up. He started seeing someone else immediately, she looked just like me, but she was crazy. She bit him, threw things at him, scratched him, would call him names all sorts of things. One night about 3 years ago there was pounding on my door, I knew it was him because we have a secret knock. I opened the door and he ran in, begging for help, she stopped taking her bc and was pregnant. My heart sunk, my baby was sitting there telling me someone else was having his child. 9 months later his daughter came, I stopped speaking to him. I could listen to it anymore, he and the mom broke up. Over the next year we started talking again. He and his daughter came over a lot and still have been. We still sleep together all the time if he has her she stays in the guest bedroom, the most painful thing to ever happen was one night she knocked on my door to come In because she was scared we let her in and she fell asleep, I cried myself to sleep. We had a heart to heart the other night, and he told me he wants me back. He loves me, but he doesn't want to be the father of my children... I'm so mad at him and confused. I love his daughter she's wonderful, but I am still heartbroken and really don't want to be a stepmom. He told me he'll do anything to change my mind just not have kids... Does anyone have any advice on what to do? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Slam that door like you should've years ago! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mad and confused Posted July 26, 2012 Author Share Posted July 26, 2012 Slam that door like you should've years ago! I've been thinking about it, even seeing other people. He likes to ask how my dates went if I don't tell he gets all hurt and if I do he'll say he would've done better than that. Another thing is his daughter has an attachment to me, she asks if they're going to go to Julie's house, when he says no she cries and asks to call me. I talk to her to calm her down and they usually show up after. She loves me, and tells me that I'm her best friend. I've told him to stop coming over with her, or letting her call and he tries to play the blame game. The only reason I do that is so she doesn't get attched to me. Is that wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 He can't have it both ways! The fact that he thinks he can and went and had a baby with crazy says it all! You get left to decide if you want to be A) step-mom to dum-dum's kid with none of your own and a boatload of resent B) TRYING (and I mean "trying" no actually "being able to") functionally date someone you want to have kids with, with his looming attachment without fulfillment, also causing more damage to his daughter hanging over you. (that's a lot of shoes to try to fill). Or C) drop Mr. Selfish Ass at the curb where he belongs. HE's the PARENT. he got his kid introduced to you and attached. It's HIS problem if he doesn't want to give you the real deal. And why should you hold out on yourself just because he's screwed you over twice? How many more child-bearing years are you going to donate to this guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mad and confused Posted July 26, 2012 Author Share Posted July 26, 2012 When they don't come over and she asks why he tells her I don't want them to... Then when she calls she's so upset she can barely talk and asks if I don't like her anymore. She's only three, he doesn't understand she doesn't understand. Link to post Share on other sites
SarahRose Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 I started seeing my ex for the first time 10 years ago. I was 20 and he was 26. 4 years ago I told him I wanted a baby, his baby. He told me no he didn't want to ever have kids, I made a choice I wanted to start a family and we broke up. He started seeing someone else immediately, she looked just like me, but she was crazy. She bit him, threw things at him, scratched him, would call him names all sorts of things. One night about 3 years ago there was pounding on my door, I knew it was him because we have a secret knock. I opened the door and he ran in, begging for help, she stopped taking her bc and was pregnant. My heart sunk, my baby was sitting there telling me someone else was having his child. 9 months later his daughter came, I stopped speaking to him. I could listen to it anymore, he and the mom broke up. Over the next year we started talking again. He and his daughter came over a lot and still have been. We still sleep together all the time if he has her she stays in the guest bedroom, the most painful thing to ever happen was one night she knocked on my door to come In because she was scared we let her in and she fell asleep, I cried myself to sleep. We had a heart to heart the other night, and he told me he wants me back. He loves me, but he doesn't want to be the father of my children... I'm so mad at him and confused. I love his daughter she's wonderful, but I am still heartbroken and really don't want to be a stepmom. He told me he'll do anything to change my mind just not have kids... Does anyone have any advice on what to do? So why haven't you kicked this selfish loser to the curb already? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 You tell him: "don't tell your kid that crap. Tell her I love her but that there's some adult things going on with dad and Julie." You can tell her that too if he won't. What a prick. Sorry. It's just ridiculous when parents get their kids attached to a "maybe" relationship. Not fair for ANYONE! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mad and confused Posted July 26, 2012 Author Share Posted July 26, 2012 You tell him: "don't tell your kid that crap. Tell her I love her but that there's some adult things going on with dad and Julie." You can tell her that too if he won't. What a prick. Sorry. It's just ridiculous when parents get their kids attached to a "maybe" relationship. Not fair for ANYONE! Especially not her, I've told him not to do that and he doesn't acknowledge it. I don't want this to mess her up, this is right around the age kids remember... I'm afraid if we break up he'll blame her and she will feel guilty. If I stay she might get attached and have a hard time when I do leave him... I shouldn't have let it go this far with her involved... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 He doesn't sound like a winner father anyways. I have a three year old myself. (she's such a cutie!) I can't imagine telling her that "so and so doesn't want you to come over." That makes me so mad just thinking about it! Man, care to tell us where he lives? (kidding, totally kidding) I have seen so many dumb moves regarding kids relationally in my friendship group as I've gotten older, it's really hard on them. I know that they say "kids are resilient." well, so are adults it doesn't mean I'm going to start pushing people into walls because "their resilient, they'll recover." If he's not listening about something FUNCTIONAL AND SIMPLE, I can't imagine trying to parent WITH him. Arg. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mad and confused Posted July 26, 2012 Author Share Posted July 26, 2012 He doesn't sound like a winner father anyways. I have a three year old myself. (she's such a cutie!) I can't imagine telling her that "so and so doesn't want you to come over." That makes me so mad just thinking about it! Man, care to tell us where he lives? (kidding, totally kidding) I have seen so many dumb moves regarding kids relationally in my friendship group as I've gotten older, it's really hard on them. I know that they say "kids are resilient." well, so are adults it doesn't mean I'm going to start pushing people into walls because "their resilient, they'll recover." If he's not listening about something FUNCTIONAL AND SIMPLE, I can't imagine trying to parent WITH him. Arg. It makes me mad too, she's sooooo sweet and innocent. I adore her I wish she was my baby. When we go out people ask if she's mine, that's how much the mom and I look alike. I'm seeing another man and we REALLY like each other, but he doesn't want to get mixed up in this bs... I know it's horrible of me, but I always think about doing what the other girl did... Just stop taking it and not telling him, but I won't, because that's childish and I'm not good at being vindictive. It always crosses my mind though. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 Just cut him off. He made his bed. I think you like the little girl a lot more then you like him LOL. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mad and confused Posted July 27, 2012 Author Share Posted July 27, 2012 He text me a few minutes ago "we want to come over tonight, I'll pick up some wine you should start making something to eat." I told him I was going on a date with the guy I like. He text back "woooooooow, hope you 're not ****ing him" (I'm not) but seriously it's none of his business. I haven't text him back I'm sure he'll start calling soon. Yea I dO love her a lot, but I love him more. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Put all these issues about the child aside, just looking at the dynamic between you and him, nothing has initially changed about the circumstances that ended the relationship the first time, you want kids and he doesn't, so why take him back when that answer hasn't changed? If he came back and said yes he'd want more kids but already had this first one, then I could understand you wanting to consider it. With or without the child that he had in the meantime, his answer is still the same, and at one time you made a decision to not continue the relationship so why change now? The circumstances have only gotten worse, not better. He still doesn't want kids, but now he has one from another woman! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mad and confused Posted July 27, 2012 Author Share Posted July 27, 2012 Put all these issues about the child aside, just looking at the dynamic between you and him, nothing has initially changed about the circumstances that ended the relationship the first time, you want kids and he doesn't, so why take him back when that answer hasn't changed? If he came back and said yes he'd want more kids but already had this first one, then I could understand you wanting to consider it. With or without the child that he had in the meantime, his answer is still the same, and at one time you made a decision to not continue the relationship so why change now? The circumstances have only gotten worse, not better. He still doesn't want kids, but now he has one from another woman! He did kind of lead me to believe he would start a family with him. I'm in love with him and we stayed friends over the time we weren't together. I thought about breaking off the relationship, but didn't because I thought maybe he'd change Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I thought maybe he'd change Famous last words! Arg. Honey don't to this to yourself! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mad and confused Posted July 28, 2012 Author Share Posted July 28, 2012 I went out with some friends last night, when I got back there was a Bouquet of my favorite flowers on my door step. The note in them said "can we come over tomorrow night? I really miss you." should I tell him no and cut him off, or should I let them come over one last time and tell her I love her but her dad doesn't love me the way I want him to? Link to post Share on other sites
lemonlime Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Im going through a somewhat similar situation. Only I broke up with someone and I'm trying to figure out how best to process it with my son, who is four. I wouldnt meet up and try to explain it to her, shes not going to understand. Its best if you leave any explanations up to him. Its his child, and his situation that he created. You asked him not to bring her so something like this wouldnt happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
leoc1973 Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 OK as a man. What he is doing is bull ****! He's my age and I think the reason he doesn't want kids is because he is unsure of being tied to you forever. I have been through a kinda similar situation with the dating you are doing. I know how hard it is to break it off permanently with someone you love but they won't change. I had a girlfriend for 6 years. She was a shopaholic. Like the ones you see on TV. She bankrupted both of us and I started getting my credit back on track and soon as I could get credit cards again she charged up like 6 of em. OK so I had to break up with her and I loved her so much! Right after her I met a new girl that was insanely crazy about me. She would do anything for me but I was unsure of her because I still wasn't over the ex. So what she did is since I wouldn't commit to her she started dating. Honestly, it didn't phase me one bit because she would always drop anyone to see me. She was on match and dated tons of guys but after they took her out and bought her a nice dinner she always called me to come over and spend the night. I would ask her about her dates and she would always tell me. Then she got sick of it. She met a guy she really liked. She blew me off one night and I went nuts! The same asking her if she was f'ing him and all that. She blew me off a few more times and I started leaving flowers, sending flowers to work and pretty much doing anything to get her attention back. LOL I even bought her a super deluxe tupperware set cause of all the times she made me food I never returned them and she used to ask where her tupperware was. I left it on her door. After a couple weeks of her blowing me off I begged her to give me another chance and I wanted to be with her and only her and I would do anything she wanted. Same situation as you I didn't want kids and she did. She went from being fine with me not wanting kids cause she only wanted me to me telling her I would have kids and I love kids and all that. Anyways I did end up with her and she ended up telling me a couple years later that she read a book on how to get a man to chase you and there wasn't even a "guy she really liked" She said they were all losers and she only wanted me in the first place. The point is that you can already see it happening. He is chasing and the more you pull away the more he will chase. If I were you I wouldn't take him back till he told you that he wants kids. If he's anything like me by the time you are done with him he will be begging you to have kids. I think some men(probably myself included) think of kids differently. A woman thinks of a child as hers no matter what. But some guys have to see the child before they love it. He's thinking of it as a leash and a commitment and pretty much more serious than marriage right now. OH and don't let him use his daughter to manipulate you either. In my opinion this is the only guy for you and you could care less about other men so play very hard to get to straighten him out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mad and confused Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 I woke up to three missed calls all of the messages had the same small voice on them, crying, asking why I wouldn't answer or let them come over. She wanted to sleep in "her" bed (my guestroom). I don't know Why, but her calling it that sort of upsets me, probably because that was always supposed to be the baby's room when I had one. I got another call 10 minutes ago "hey we're gonna go to breakfast before I take her home, please meet us here. She's really upset and wants you." I don't know if I should go or not... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Can't you see how blatantly cruel he is being to you and his daughter? That's......sick. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lemonlime Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Theres something really wrong with a man that uses his child to try to manipulate anyone. And hes only doing it to try to get the desired response. You give in and it will only encourage him to do it in the future. Only probably longer and more intensely because he will know it worked last time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 So why was he so willing to get another woman pregnant? Especially one he calls crazy? If she treated him like that, why stay? Says alot about him. So he sleeps with both of you, am I correct? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mad and confused Posted July 30, 2012 Author Share Posted July 30, 2012 What I've been told is she stopped taking her bc without telling him to try and get him to stay with her (I don't doubt it). I've seen her scratch him before so I know that's true, why he stayed with her when he did I don't know. As far as I know I'm the only girl he stays with, he usually likes one girl at a time but that may have changed. I didn't go meet them for breakfast, he called me after and said he was very disappointed I would do that to her. So I asked him why he used the only thing I want against me. He asked me what that was and I said "your baby" and hung up. He's been calling me and telling me he loves me all day Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 What I've been told is she stopped taking her bc without telling him to try and get him to stay with her (I don't doubt it). I've seen her scratch him before so I know that's true, why he stayed with her when he did I don't know. As far as I know I'm the only girl he stays with, he usually likes one girl at a time but that may have changed. I didn't go meet them for breakfast, he called me after and said he was very disappointed I would do that to her. So I asked him why he used the only thing I want against me. He asked me what that was and I said "your baby" and hung up. He's been calling me and telling me he loves me all day He loves you enough to use his daughter to guilt you. I know you have a history with this guy, but he has turned out to not be a winner. Plus if you stayed with him, you'd have to deal with "crazy's" drama too. Plus no kids for you. I know the clock is ticking but the bell doesn't toll for this guy, seriously. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mad and confused Posted July 31, 2012 Author Share Posted July 31, 2012 I told him to please not contact me anymore, because this other guy and I want to get serious. He flipped... Then he came over and left me a bunch of stuff. I don't know what to do, I really do love him. Link to post Share on other sites
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