New info after divorce

[Lester]

I posted here about 9 months ago on my separation from my wife of 21 years and the good people here were very helpful. I said it was as if she had completely lost her mind. Even my 15 year old son said she was wierd and didnt want to see her. Well after a 10 month separation we are finally divorced. All the begging, pleading and promising in the world could not help change her mind. It has been pure hell for me. I have custody of my son and she did not want a thing. She simply wanted to walk away from it all.

 

Now after a week of being a divorced man I find out that she has been screwing my closest friend , whom is also married, for no telling how many years and they still are. Talk about double wammy. Do I confront his wife with this information? Or do I simply leave it alone? I see him as one of the reasons for my year of total hell. I see him as someone who has contributed in destroying my life, my dreams and the future that I wanted. It would feel so good to be able to put him through the same thing. On the other hand he has 2 small children. I do not wish for their lives to be screwed up. What do I do?

 

Now all the pain of losing my wife has turned to anger. I say good ridence to the cheating bitch and it would seem that he was never a friend to begin with. A man like that does not know what friendship is.

[sinner]

Do I confront his wife with this information? Or do I simply leave it alone?

 

After I separated from my wife, I discovered that she had 3 affairs--two with married men with young families. Although these guys weren't friends of mine, and I was mightily pissed, I never went to their wives. Leaving my wife was pleasure enough.

 

Lester, resist the impulse to strike out in anger. Start anew. Find someone who will love you and your son faithfully and honestly. Don't look back, my man. Move forward.

 

If you don't mind my asking, how well is your teenager dealing with the separation and divorce? I have a 15 year old son at home, and I wonder about the effect your marital instability has had on him.

[Matilda]

I guess maybe you should try to put yourself in your friend's wife's place. This shouldn't be hard for you to do since your situation was basically the same as hers. If it were you, would you want to be told?

 

I think if it were me, I would want to know.

 

I think the way to go about it would be to tell your friend that if he doesn't tell his wife, you will.

 

Also, I don't think you should tell the wife to get back at your friend, just if you think she truly would want to know.

[Lester]

sinner....My son has dealt with it very well. Hell he's much stronger than me. I've tried talking to him about it and although he's very bitter at his mother, and probably always will be, he's not had any major effects from it like his grades and such. If there is one good thing to come out of this its that we have become much closer than before. Also its amazing to me just how smart our kids are. His mother would always try to hide everything from him. She'd even tell me not to let him know what was going on between us but he'd know.

 

Matilda........I wish I had known. I even made the comment to the people who told me this information "why in the hell didnt you tell me." I know people say that its none of their business so they keep it quiet but if my wife was doing this. I needed to know. Its always the spouse who is the last to know and as far as confronting my ex friend........not a good idea for me to be close to him. The 2 people I trusted most in this world were making a laughing stock out of me.

[sinner]

Thanks, Lester, for telling me about how your son is handling these times. I appreciate it.

 

You don't know how much.

 

On the disclosure issue,why can't we figure out a middle ground. Don't volunteer the affair info to the Innocent Spouse (IS) but tell her if she asks. I know you feel that it's pay back time, but I can't help thinking of the two young kids. Your disclosure will probably nuke that family. You'll get your vengeance but possibly cause catastrophic harm to some innocents.

 

You're a good man, you have your son and you can start dating to your heart's content. Stabilize your life, let your rage cool and then re-visit the question. Remember, vengeance is a dish best served cold...

[meanon]

Lester, she may not want to know. You may justify it in anger but regret it later when you see the harm to the family. You are a better man than him, don't put at risk the happiness of innocent people as he has done. Tell him what you think of him if you need to.

 

Sinner, I'm so sorry to hear of your wife's affairs. It's heart breaking. I wish for you the same as you wished for Lester: peace, lots of fun dating and the love of an honest woman

[Lester]

meanon..........I believe you and everyone else are right. All it will do is create more victims in this sad mess. We have been friends since we were little kids but he does one thing that I have never liked. He is very mean and controlling to her. She is a very beautiful woman and could have most any man she wants but she is also very submissive and doesnt have any self confidence. I have been thinking about this alot and if I were to tell her and she confronted him then odds are he'd beat the **** out of her. He has before and I have talked to him about it many times...........I just cant understand my wife hooking up with him because she knows what he is like also. My son and him are buddies also, so now he is going to wonder and ask why he doesnt come around anymore. What to tell him? This is his mother we're talking about.

[meanon]

That's hard to say - maybe a partial truth would be best. You had a disagreement, you no longer think he's a nice person and you don't want to be friends any longer. If he asks say it's between the two of you.