babysbreath Posted July 10, 2004 Share Posted July 10, 2004 [font=arial][/font][color=indigo][/color] I have a BIG problem in my life. Very complicated too. But then again, its been that way from the start. Kay, a week after i graduated high school i started dating my friend who was about 10 years older than me. I wasnt actually supposed to be friends with him because four years earlier my parents told me i wasnt allowed to be friends with him simply because of his age. I did anyways because he was a really good friend, and we grew very close as friends over that four years. I didnt tell my parents when we started dating because i knew there would be controversy. He is the sweetest and most caring guy i know, and i grew to love him more and more. finally, a while later he asked me to marry him. I said yes. So after this all happened, about seven months into our relationship i told my parents i was dating him. they were really angry and said i could date him, but they never wanted to meet him. Well, i had told my sister we were engaged, and she told them that we were engaged the next day. I came downstairs not knowing this, and they told me my sister had told them. They said i wasnt allowed to see him again, though i told them i would anyways. My dad almost wouldnt let me go back to college. (i was on spring break from my college where i lived away from home) the reason i didnt tell them that we were engaged was because we were going to wait three years to get married. My parents were mad that i hadnt told them, and upset. i thought it was a good idea not to tell them because then it wouldnt be such a shock and then they would have gotten to know them (because eventually they would have met him) and it would have been further on in the relationship and they could accept it more easily as opposed to blow up like they were doing. I ended up going back to college, and my dad made a suprise appearance at my fiancee's band preformance and yelled at him in front of everybody, calling him a child molestor and many many more worse names. My fiancee's parents, friends, and other people were there. So what did my fiancee do? he called the poliece. (to add more drama, of course *sigh*) after being even more confused than i already was, my mom said never to see him again. i said i wouldnt, and told him it was over... but i felt like everything i ever loved was getting ripped from me so i called him and said nevermind. We eloped a few days later. (yes, i realize i should have thought more, but i still do not regret doing it) my mom flipped out even more. after a lot of yelling and screaming, and a lot of name calling, we agreed to get a disallusionment, which ripped my husband's heart out. my mom said it would kill my grandparents if i just told them i was married. i didnt know what to do. i was going to move in with him, but that didnt happen either. he still says i belong with him because i was his wife, and i will be again later. durring the screaming with my parents my mom and i were alone once, and she said some things that i will never forget. she said i married the first man that would sleep with me, that i was "such a stupid little girl" and (since i have a bit of trouble making friends) that she knows why people my age dont want to be friends with me, she wouldnt be my friend either if she were my age. She said a lot more hurtful things that i can not forget. Now whenever i am alone with my mom i think of those things and get angry. she will say something and it will trigger that memory. and now i want to move in with him now, but we're going to go to a counsoler soon, and i dont want to mess things up more, but my ex husband is falling apart and is depressed because we're not married anymore and he doesnt get to see me often because i'm back at home... i dont know what to do... if anyone is still reading this can ya give me some adivice? i'll be 21 next year, so i know i'm capable of being married if i want to be. oh... and if i move in with him my parents said they would not attend our wedding and would have nothing to do with him ever, they wouldnt even let him come over for family parties... HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 You are an adult and must make your own decisions. To be brutally blunt, when your parents are dead, then where will you be? Alone, if they have their way. You have a right to live your own life. Sometimes, unfortunately, people have to cut themselves off from their parents but if it's what you must do, do it. Move with your husband and stop letting your parents treat you like a baby. You are no longer a child and you have got to make your own way in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 moimeme could not have said it any better. Don't let them ruin the love of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 This is your life and not your parents. Want to know what I think? I think you and your husband should go back and get married, and if you want to tell your parents its up to you...but tell them that you WILL NOT get an anulment and if they want you in their lives they cannot choose who you are with. It's time for you to leave the nest and start YOUR life with your loving husband. I say go do it asap!! Congratuations on your marriage! Link to post Share on other sites
Author babysbreath Posted July 11, 2004 Author Share Posted July 11, 2004 yeah... i'd like to move in with him, i'm just worried about my parents reaction... my dad is 60, and the last time i was going to move out he looked like he was going to have a heart attack, and i thought my mom was going to go crazy. That and i hate controversy... though i guess i should just get it over with sometime soon and move in with him... i'm just a little bit nervous. i hate controversy. Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 Have you tried a mediation with your family (without yelling and sreaming)? What about having a sit down with you family that is mediated by pastor/priest/therapist or someone like that? You can all talk calmly and try to let them know how much you love and want to be with your H. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babysbreath Posted July 11, 2004 Author Share Posted July 11, 2004 my mom has been claiming to call to try to get a counsoler for the past two months. i'm getting frustrated and my fiancee/husband/exhusband/whateverheis is getting even more so. He is convinced she never is going to actually get anything set up, and its a waste of time and that i should just "come home" like he keeps asking me to do. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 11, 2004 Share Posted July 11, 2004 Why can't you find a counsellor? Again, this is an adult responsibility so take it. Your father won't have a heart attack, and you are going to have to learn that life is full of controversy and you can't hide away and pretend it doesn't exist. Is it that you're not ready to grow up yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author babysbreath Posted July 11, 2004 Author Share Posted July 11, 2004 Actually i never thought of looking for one on my own. my mom said she'd take care of it. i've come from a very sheltered life, and thats part of the problem. my parents have been in the theorie that we'd grow up whenever we wanted to and have never tried to make us act any more grown up than we were. i guess with this controversy another thing i do have to learn is to act as adult as i want to be treated. i guess since i've never had to do something, for example look for a cousnoler, i never thought about doing it. good point. Link to post Share on other sites
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