Need Help Getting My Wife of 7 Years Back

[daddypop]

My wife and i have been together for 7 years, 3 married. She has cheated on me thru the entire relationship. She has issues from her childhood, not getting love from her mom, no father, and not getting any attention. She was shipped off to foster homes.

 

She has been acting real distant and weird the past few weeks. I figured she was cheating again, and i found out yesterday that she was. She told me. She now wants counseling for herself and for us.

 

Unfortunately she is still attracted to this guy that she works with and has been cheating with, but says it is nothing and she will stop it and get over it. This guy has qualitys that she wants in me, but i have to work on it for myself and her. He is confident, outgoing, good looking, and she is not attracted to me at this point because of my attitude and mistrust.

 

She feels like we have had no foundation thru the relationship, and we have never been real close friends. She says thats what she wants but we both have to work real hard and I have to be patient with her. Its like we have to start over.

 

I have qualitys that he will never have she says, but i know im gonna have to take better care of myself, work out, be more confident to fulfill her needs. I want to do these things for myself and for her.

 

I know we have to communicate better and become best friends for this to work, but im gonna have to change my whole lifestyle and attitude. Its not gonna be easy.

 

Is there any hope to saving this marriage?? Im sick of all the pain, but i feel like her finally being honest and wanting to address the issues means something. She also is gonna have to find a different job considering the guy she is attracted to works with her and is gonna cause problems. She says i have to be patient until she finds a diff job.

 

Im really lost here. I know i have some faults. I have been closed minded and not confident considering everything, and i have to change that.

 

What should i do??

[GROBBY]

You should take her things and put them on the front lawn and change the locks.

 

You will naturally start getting in shape due to the breakup. Then she'll want you back. Then you'll look so good, you won't be sure if you want her back. Then you will have the upper hand and your self esteem won't be so low that you need a shovel to find it.

 

Then, you will see if she's really worth it or not.

 

 

Good Luck!

[Amy22]

I first want to say I also grew up in a foster home. I pretty much had no family. I have never cheated and never will. She can't use her past as an excuse for her actions. You are the only person who can answer whether it is worth a try to make your marriage work. I think her wanting to go to counseling is a good step for both of you. It sounds like you both have issues to work on and hopefull counseling will help. But it is up to you whether you want to do all this. Only you really know her. She has cheated on you through the entire relatiosnhip? Do you think she will ever really change even with counseling? I just want to say that even if you go to counseling and she doesn't change you deserve so much better then someone who keeps cheating on you. You deserve someone who will love you and be happy with you no matter what flaws you have. Good Luck

[Johnny16]

**** that bitch.

 

Throw here **** out the window.

 

Man, if she loved you, she would change on the dot.

 

 

It obvious that you love her since you keep holding on. Have you cheated on her before?

But seriously, its going to be hard, but you have to get over her and move on with your life. Life is too short to always be hurt.

 

You deserve better.

 

Good Luck with everything, and keep us posted!

 

-John.

[reservoirdog1]

I always figured that, if I was cheated on, that would be it. Full stop, end of relationship.

 

It never occurred to me that, after TBXW's revelations almost a year ago of multiple affairs and deception during the 7 year marriage, that I'd have considered attempts at reconciliation. But those attempts happened. However, where our situations differ, daddypop, is that I was completely in the dark for the entire time, and had no idea that, beneath the beautiful, honest, faithful surface, there was solid bullsh*t.

 

She's cheated on you many times, and I gather from your post that you've already forgiven her before for cheating and tried to work through it with her. And then she went and did it again, and again, and again.

 

You have to ask yourself if it's ever going to get better with her. Okay, so she had parental issues in her past. But she knew the first time you guys reconciled that she'd made a mistake, and that what she did was wrong. And yet she did it again. The mere fact of a bad childhood doesn't give somebody the right to lie, betray and cheat. There are many people out there with bad backgrounds who rise above them. Just like there are many people with good, loving family backgrounds (like my TBXW, so I understand) who lie, betray and cheat.

 

Her background may enable you to feel some compassion towards her. But that can only go so far. Sooner or later, you have to consider what's in your best interest. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be with somebody who's willing to be faithful to you. If your wife isn't, then don't stay with her out of some misguided sense of loyalty that isn't being reciprocated. You deserve so much more.

[Johnny16]

Brilliantly said good man.

 

[Fritz]

Im really lost here. I know i have some faults. I have been closed minded and not confident considering everything, and i have to change that.

 

Really? No kidding? I'd have never believed that! I mean, I'd not be too confident if my wife had been cheating on me for years..

 

Sorry. Don't let her guilt trip you because of her "bad past". Take a look at <URL removed> and their forums.

[Knot_Bi_Curious]

It's a sad situation about her neglectful childhood, however, psychological damage due to not having your needs met as a child creates narcissistic monsters. True, she can't help being a narcissist, but she doesn't have to choose being unfaithful to you. I'm not sure if you are familiar with narcissitic characteristics, but the main characteristic is that narcissists are incapable of love. They seek only that which fullfills their lacking needs, which never actually get fullfilled because they don't recognize it when their needs are met. They never felt love, so therefore they don't know how to feel love. They go thru life very alone, always seeking someone who can give them what is missing, and they never find it, so the search continues. These people are damaged goods and can rarely hold down a lasting relationship. They seek self gratification, to hell with everyone else. It's all about them.

I am a psychology major and have studied narcissism extensively. It's truly amazing how many people are narcissistic in this world, there is a lot and that is sad. However, daddypop, the pain of being with this woman will never end as long as you are with her. As much as it will hurt you to leave her, that hurt will soon disipate. The hurt from staying with her will never disipate.

It takes a lot of therapy on her part, years and years of therapy, and even before that, the admission to herself that she is indeed a narcissist, which most can't admit to. They can't see it. And no one can make them see it.

It's as bad as being an alcoholic. If you ask a narcissist if they know how to love, of course they will say that they do, and they truly believe that. However, they never knew what love was in order for them to be a accurate judge on what constitutes the meaning of love. Most people know that the main componants of love are TRUST and LOYALTY. Without these two things, one cannot have true love. One can think that they do, but in reality, do not. You'd be surprised how many people are just going thru life, unhappy in a narcissistic relationship and lying to themselves as well as those around them that this problem exists. I think you deserve better. It hurts to put an end to a long term relationship, I know, especially when you truly love this person, but keep in mind that it's all one sided. She doesn't love you. She doesn't know how. However you will completely lose your "sense of self" if you stay with this woman. The advice that all narcissism books give is, "when you find yourself trapped in a relationship with a narcissist... RUN LIKE HELL." I suggest the same thing. You will find love again, with someone who will be able to love you back. You only get one life, daddypop, make the best of it, don't let it get the best of you. GOOD LUCK!

[daddypop]

GREAT Post Knot...

 

You have really opened my eyes to alot of things. I cant help but feel sorry for the situation. I really do love her and hope she gets better. I had her read your post and she started crying. Now she doesnt want to be with me and thinks we need to work on ourselves and then maybe we can be together.

[Knot_Bi_Curious]

Dear Daddypop,

 

I think that decision is for the best. If she can recognize that she has issues, come to terms with them and work on them with a qualified therapist, she is heading in the right direction. Most narcissists can't recognize they have issues, and when people try to tell them, they usually freak out and accuse you of being the crazy one. It's a lose lose situation. I learned something long ago in one of my prior relationships with a narcissist, you can't help someone who isn't willing or, in some cases, able to help themselves. It's a "self" defeating endeavor with no outcome. It's a good thing if she can recognize, thru her therapist, the reprocussions of a bad childhood and see that she needs help, but also, that it's not her fault, she's a victim of her circumstances. After working on herself for a while, maybe one day you guys can work things out. Stranger things have happened, believe me. Que sara sara, daddypop, if it's meant to be, she will get better and come back to you one day, that's if a nice guy like you is even still available. Until then, enjoy your independence, getting your self esteem back and finding yourself again.

You sound like a great person who has a lot to offer the right person. Enjoy life and take things one day at a time.

Nothing happens without a reason.

Happiness will find you.